Contempt Prior to Investigation

On Friday nights, when the girls are with their dad and I am alone, I enjoy putting in a Netflix movie, pouring myself a drink, getting into my pj's, and snuggling up with the pup on the couch.

I know, sounds exciting.

To me, it's the best Friday night ever.

This past Friday night, I watched a movie called Celeste and Jesse Forever.


You can watch the trailer to understand what the movie is about. I really enjoyed it.

(Oh and for the record, the last movie I watched was Lovely, Still. It's on my favorite list now. Loved it!)


One of the things that really stuck me about C and J Forever was the appearance of my favorite question:

Would you rather be right or happy?

I've only asked myself this question a million times on this blog. Another phrase I heard in the movie was "contempt prior to investigation".  Making judgements without knowing the whole story.

And this one, best quote of all:

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. What? It’s Viktor Frankl…or maybe it was Biggie Smalls. I don’t know.”

Needless to say, the movie really spoke my language. Or else, it was just what I needed to hear.

***

I have found that my judgements of people are keeping me from experiencing pure joy. I understand "contempt prior to investigation". I understand it because I've done it, especially recently the past few years or so. I did it with my sister's new husband. I did it with my ex's new wife.

Hell, I've even done it with Gentleman Jack. And MYSELF.

I am so convinced that I'm right about certain things that I'm not allowing OTHER THINGS to show up. 

These judgements don't make me happy. In fact, they keep me stuck right where I am. I end up rolling my eyes when my sister's new husband acts exactly the way I'd think he would. I shake my head when the ex's new wife does exactly what I'd expect. I want to run away when I see the limitations I put on GJ and I get downright mad when my own life seems small.

I don't want to be right about these things. I don't want to see limitations and frustrations. I can't change these people and make them be who I'd like them to be. I can't change the things that show up in my life. So what if they're not showing up the way I want them to. Isn't that my problem?

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves....

Isn't that the truth of it all?


I give my power away by wanting things to be different than they are. I can, however, change the way I see these things. I can open myself up to a new perception and a new experience. I don't have to be right. It doesn't serve me. I can, instead, allow them, situations and other things to be who they are and love anyway.

Allow. There's that word again.

This isn't a new discovery, but one that keeps showing up in my life. I recently talked about it in January while watching a Marianne Williamson interview. I've written about it for years. I learned it while studying A Course in Miracles. I know that I can't change the world, but I can change my mind about it.

It all starts with me.

I can change my mind about myself, the limits I put on my time, my value, my existence in others' lives.

I recall, when I was going through my divorce, that yoga was so healing to me. One of the little healing mantra songs I was taught to sing came back into my mind recently:

I am the light of my soul 
I am beautiful 
I am bountiful 
I am bliss 
I am
I am

If I keep reminding myself of this, if I learn to be gentle with myself, if I can allow myself to show up however I am and love me anyway, I can do the same for others.

Don't you think?

Confessions from a Bad Blogger

How on earth do I live my life sometimes?!

I'm fighting illness... again.

It's obvious to me that the running running running that my life has become takes its toll on me. That and the $*#& Texas weather that can't make up its mind. One day it's summer and the next day it's winter. We haven't even had spring yet.

The good news is that I've been able to keep up my good attitude. (And the crowd says YAY!)

The bad news is that I've been unable to keep up this blog. (And we all say BOOOO...)


Part of me wonders if I should keep the blog. After all, there are some weeks that go by that I barely get enough sleep much less time to write out how I feel about it. Then I wonder if anyone cares how I feel about it. I have been a blog reader for years and I know that when a blogger stops blogging, you wonder about them... and then you find another blogger to read. I get it. The interwebs are a lot fuller than they were when I first started this thing.

I do post pretty frequently to my Facebook page and I think that many of you follow me there or in real life. I feel blessed to call many of my tried and true readers... my tried and true friends now. Blogging did that for me.

Don't get me wrong, I still have the thousand thoughts a day that you all have known me to write about. I still analyze and notice things and feel inspired and question it all. I never got the chance to write about how I feel about the recent Boston Marathon tragedy or the West, TX tragedy right here in my backyard!

I haven't had a moment to share details of another great weekend with Gentleman Jack and how I keep noticing more and more that the way he loves me takes my breath away sometimes. Like one moment, over this weekend, when I caught a vision of myself in the mirror. I was a mess. Hair all strewn, no makeup, completely slouched out in sweats... and still, as I walked past him, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me hard. I love that he still doesn't understand me, that he'll even admit to being frightened by my free spirit and all-out-give-everything-completely-until-I-wear-myself-thin and completely-connected-to-the-Universe-so-much-that-overwhelming-pain-felt-by-someone-else-crumbles-me-into-tiny-pieces-and-a-million-tears way of being. He doesn't always get me but he keeps trying. God bless the guy. He doesn't give up on me EVER.

I haven't been able to write about my girls and how quickly they're growing up. How I long for their independence but want to hold them so close to me that time freezes altogether. How they're still so supportive and loving and share so much of their lives with me. How they, very nearly on a daily basis, tell me that I'm the best. mom. ever.

I haven't had time to tell you about the job. How I just threw, almost single-handedly, a really successful conference that had my boss high fiving me for a week after. (This is, of course, the reason I've not had time.) I haven't had a moment to process how they're going to work with me, in the fall when my daughter begins middle school - MIDDLE SCHOOL - so that I can be home when she gets home from school. How blessed am I?

I'm sorry that I've not kept you all up to date, if you're even stopping by to check anymore. Many of you came here to be inspired, to read about triathlons or long distance love or other daily inspirations, and I've not had a moment to share lately.

I will tell you that I will try to do more. I'm not aiming for the 6 blog posts a week that used to overwhelm many regular readers. My days are so much fuller now. And my thoughts... don't have an idle brain in which to settle and stew. Some things linger or stick like a thorn and I'm sure I'll still be sharing that here. If only to vent and process for myself.

For those of you still reading, thank you. If I could wrap my arms around you and give you a giant smooch, I would.

But I don't wanna get you sick.

*smooch*

It's safer that way.