The ex was traveling during the week (as usual) and wasn't due to land until Thursday afternoon. I texted him Thursday morning and asked that he leave the girls with me. He takes them on Thursday evenings, most weeks, and this was also his weekend so he was due to keep them until Sunday. I knew this weather would have us all house-bound until Monday or Tuesday when the thaw would begin. I didn't want to drive in it because (a) it's not safe and (b) because the last time I did drive in it, I was rear-ended and nearly shoved off an overpass by someone driving too fast.
Besides, the roads have been impassable. And this:
|No one had moved in over 18 hours. Thanks to Denton County Scanner for the pic.|
But the ex insisted even though it took them nearly 2 hours to drive to his place on Thursday. He said he could keep them through Monday if need be.
I've been holed up with the dog for 3 whole days and am starting to lose my mind. I knew I wanted the girls with me. We'd be bored but at least we'd be bored together. Still, it wasn't safe to drive and they are warm and well fed at his house.
As expected, the ex texted me this morning (Sunday) to see if we could meet halfway or if I could just come get the kids. Now, the temperature is finally 2 degrees above freezing since Thursday and is expected to hard freeze again when the sun goes down. Some roads have been thawing but not around here. My driveway is still a sheet of ice. I reminded him that he said he could keep them until Monday. He's still saying we could meet halfway.
I went outside and attempted to shovel my driveway for 2 hours. Mind you, I don't have a snow shovel. I have a regular digging shovel. It's. Not. Working. And right in the middle of it, I threw down the shovel and began to cry.
I'm tired of doing everything by myself! I'm tired of being responsible for everything. I'm tired of living by what others expect of me. I'm tired of needing permission to do anything. I'm tired. I need help. I don't want to be alone anymore!
And that's the crux of it. The reason behind the depression. The reason I can't feel happy for anyone else. The reason I hate this long distance relationship. The reason I get so angry at my codependency habits. The reason I feel so tired all the time. The reason I want to run away. The reason I don't blog. The reason I don't read blogs. The reason I don't respond to emails. The reason I can't bring myself to get out and do anything. The reason I just ... can't... stand it anymore.
I can't be happy when I see others posting the "look at what my husband did for me!" stuff on Facebook. I can't smile when I know that there are men out there making sure their wives and children are safe and warm. I can't rejoice when I know that people are being taken care of, their worries soothed, their responsibilities shared. I can't celebrate that. I LONG for it.
Now the ex is driving on the treacherous streets with our children because... who knows! He may think it's safe. He may have been told by his new wife that she needed alone time. He may just be ready to get their bored little butts out of his house.
And I just want to scream, yell, call him names, make him stay home with them so they will be safe. But I don't have any say in the matter. It doesn't matter what I think.
I'm tired of that feeling. So freaking tired of it.
God, please take away these tears and show me the better of it. Show me that it's okay. Show me that I'm supported and loved. Show me that I'm not alone.