Thursday, November 8, 2007

He left today

My guess is that he’s in the air right now. Maybe he’s listening to his ipod… I wonder if he put my cd from my old band on that thing. I wonder if he’s thinking of me.

Ugh. I knew 2 days ago when my breasts felt sore that this was going to happen. My mood is spiraling again. Damn that PMS! I was just laughing at my blog the last time I was PMS-ing when I said that I felt that my kids hated me and that I wanted to punch my hand through a window. And here we are again!

I’m sad because I wanted to be there to say goodbye. I, at the very least, wanted to talk to him once more. I hate I missed his call yesterday! (ARGH!) I wanted to hug him and let him cry and cry with him. I keep thinking about him being very emotional with me when he spoke of leaving for war again. When I held him and said that I wish I could take his pain away.... I wanted to be the strong one today and let him know that he was going to be ok and that I would be sending him lots of love from home. I’m sure he got all of that from his mom and dad but I wanted to do it too. I love his arms around me. I love his arms around me….

Initially, I was feeling glad that I wasn’t there this morning. I feel ok about him leaving because I know that we will stay in touch. But as I began to think about how he is probably feeling, and knowing him, he probably didn’t get emotional with his parents because he wants to put on a ‘brave face’ for his family. Like when we were at his brother’s house and he didn’t want to let his brother know that his back was bothering him. I guess it’s the same as me being the strong one in my family. And I think he perhaps feels like he has to be a good son since his older brother has pretty much isolated himself from them all. It’s a tough role to play. I know it well.

I guess a part of me is scared too. I keep thinking about him coming into my life now and how perfect it felt. It was just what I needed. And just what he needed. Well, what if, in 16 months, we don’t need it anymore? We will both be different, of course, but does that mean no longer compatible?

Boy, he is a strong man to hold this whole thing off before going away for 16 months. I mean, we could’ve very easily continued to suck completely into each other and this ‘goodbye’ would’ve been excruciating! And I would be a complete and absolute MESS right now! And HIM TOO! Ugh! It would just be the most awful and gut-wrenching thing! But instead, it is sad but we’re not addicted to each other right now. We can still talk. We can still email. Even from there! So, it won’t be as bad as it could have been. I have to be thankful for that and I’m sure that he is too.

Still it’s that ‘mother figure’ in me that wants to hold him one more time and let him know that it will be ok. I’m sure it won’t be the last time I feel that. Nor the last time I will be able to hold him.

I know that we will talk and email and stay in touch. Hopefully grow together and be better friends and who knows what sort of 16 month foreplay we will have! (ha!)

My Captain America, My Hercules, My SuperHero…

Godspeed sweetie. Be safe and I will call on my angels for you.

I love you.

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