Monday, December 17, 2007

Walking in the dark forest

You know the scenes in those "quest" movies, where they're walking through the dark forest? It is sort of frightening because you're not sure what's going to happen next but you just know it has to be something good and full of light because the darkness can't go on forever.... Right?

That's how I'm feeling about now. Physically, I've been ill all weekend with a sinus infection and forget it, being a single mom and being too ill to get out of bed, doesn't bode well together. I've been a heck of a grouch to my children and have let them completely destroy the house. Even though the house is on the market and there have been realtors coming through more often. What else can I do? Its not like anyone is rushing in to help. (Sorry to sound bitter.)

The good news is that my soldier called Saturday morning. (Yay!) He was in good spirits and picked on me that I was probably sick because I was getting too old to attend Duran Duran concerts. Never!

Mentally and emotionally, I have been in quite the crux about the holidays. I have been finding it very difficult to get motivated to decorate or do any Christmas shopping. I'm enjoying doing Christmas-like things; going to look at lights, listening to Christmas music, the Christmas festival, etc.

I think I'm going through some sort of transformation. I'm finding that materialism, marriage and money are all so painfully unreal.

A Course in Miracles is summed up in this way:
Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.

I've been married for 15 years this month, although we've been actually separated for nearly 2 years. I know far too many marriages that are lacking in love and respect and so full of sadness, despair and desperation. There have been so many things that have happened to me lately or things that I've seen or witnessed... my heart is breaking because of it. What does it mean when my ex and I can treat each other with more respect when we're not living under the same roof than we did when we were a "happily married couple"? Is it just a societal image or facade that we all try to maintain? Do we stay in marriages that are not happy because we can't bear to be alone? Is it worth it in the end? Are the kids truly happier when their parents aren't? My soldier and I discussed this topic many times. He's witnessed his fair share of unhappy marriages too. I'm not even sure I believe in it anymore. Been there, done that. There have to be good examples of happy marriages somewhere!

Materialistically, I've had my share of big paychecks and I am now trying to sell a home that came from those big paychecks. No, I'm not saying that money is a bad thing. I've simply found that living in this house, in this life and seeing those with similar lifestyles, creates more of a facade, debt, fakeness and more "keeping up with the Joneses" (if you'll pardon the expression). No one is truly happy. They always want more and more and its never enough! How the hell do you buy Christmas gifts for these people? I don't have enough money or energy to do it and so I don't even want to try anymore.

How sad is this: I know a particular marriage that is barely hanging on. I also hear complaints about their debt. And so are they going to focus on each other and do whatever it takes to be a stronger couple so that their children have a wonderful family unit? No, too much energy. Instead, they're buying a bigger house!

I promise I'm not judging. I hate that I sound so cynical. I did the same thing! We all do. We all look "out there" to solve whatever problems start "in here". It is just so sad and I'm really letting it get to me lately.

I've just found that I would like a "big, small life" (to quote from Eat Pray Love's author Elizabeth Gilbert). I would like a simple life with lots and lots of love and joy and peace and devotion and fun and happiness and truth and gratitude. A REAL LIFE. The "real" that A Course in Miracles is talking about. Is that so much to ask? I know its already there, I just can't see the forest for the trees.

I guess I'm looking for something that feels like home. My time with my soldier felt very comfortable - perhaps that is why I hold it so close to my heart.

I'm sorry to my family and friends for not being so giving this year. Perhaps I'm feeling a bit beat up after being a single mom, working full time, losing my dad to cancer and my love to war...

I guess I had to get to this particular vantage point in my dark forest to see that there is a place of light just beyond it. Perhaps this is just something else I need to go through to find things of real importance in life.

Christmas is a period of rebirth, not how many presents you get. And as we moms know, birth can be a painful and rewarding experience.

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there, T. This is a trying (and rewarding) time of the year, as it is, but to be going through what you are makes it much more difficult. I've been there and it does get better. It sounds like you've been giving plenty. Take care of yourself, too...I promise it gets easier as the kids get older so they don't destroy the house *quite* so much! :)


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