This after my oldest daughter was still not feeling well enough this morning to go to school. I am not 100% better but still need to get to work and my 2 year old is still whiny and coughing. I called my mother who has the day off to finish Christmas shopping and she was unable to help me. I didn't want to hear what an inconvenience it would be for my ex to help me again. I did call him because I was tempted to drop the kids at his place since he's off anyway. By the time he called me back, the girls had decided they felt like going to school. (Thank God!) I could barely speak to him I was so frustrated and he said to me, "What's wrong with you lately? You're wound too tight."
The pressure gets too much
And you think she's going to burst
And shatter like a Christmas bubble"*
Do I really need to go into why I am "wound so tight"? Seriously?
I am trying really hard to hold everything together and I cannot focus on much of anything. I want my kids to feel better. I want to feel better. I am SO not into Christmas.
I want my current house to sell so that I don't have to try and keep it spotless (yeah right) all the time. I want a better salary at work so that I can afford to move into a comfortable home that I can healthily afford on my own so that I don't have to depend on my ex anymore. I want to be able to finish my divorce. I want my soldier to come home healthy and happy and whole so that we can date and see where it leads.
My ex doesn't really know that I'm going through the deployment blues. I am not even sure if I should tell him that I'm falling for someone else. Even if he did know, I know him and eventually he would tell me to "get over it." That's how he handles any sort of emotional trauma.
Then I have friends who bug me about "opening myself up" for other relationship opportunities instead of waiting for my soldier to come home. Then I'm finding that the only men I attract are married! (Perhaps because I don't want to open myself up to another relationship?)
"She cries when she's alone
For all life's little knocks
Everything is supposed to make us tougher"*
My friends tend to treat me (this is my perception, of course) as if my soldier is a figment of my imagination or as if I'm moving too quickly into another serious relationship. Argh! My soldier hasn't met any of my friends; they don't know him. I wonder are they forgetting that I've not been in a serious relationship for nearly two years? And is it their business?
Its this limbo that I can't stand. I don't know what's going to happen with my soldier. I don't know what is going to happen with my house, my job, my kids, myself!
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. It feels too uncomfortable to open myself up to another relationship when I'm quite content in the one that I'm in. Even if it is just a matter of an email or phone call here or there. I like being here for him. Why can't I just do that?
Why can't everyone just let me BE!!! (I do so need some time to myself....)
I really don't want to "put myself out there" or "open myself up". I just don't want to. I think it will do nothing but confuse me more. Sure maybe something else will come along but if so, I shouldn't have to look for it. I didn't go looking for my soldier and it just happened!
I just want to sit in stillness and listen. That's all. Is it so wrong that all I want is to listen to my heart anyway?
(*Lyrics from She's Too Much, Duran Duran)