Last night was my Christmas party and a particular guy at work, who is single, was sort of getting closer to me. Don’t get me wrong, I was flirting, as I do, and we are close. We both enjoy music and have fun together. But I WILL NOT date a co-worker and he also smokes.. I hate that.
Also, one of my very close friends called me last night and is hinting that we should "make out" - just for fun. Now, we've hinted this before and we do flirt. I think knowing that I'm wanting to 'sow some oats' while my soldier is out of town has prompted this to be a more serious thought.
My soldier and I had discussed this back before he left. He doesn't want me to miss out on anything by waiting for him and I realize that if he has an opportunity to have sex during his deployment, he will. He is a guy. And it is 16 months. And I am a grown-up.
I was flirting with a guy in yoga class last week and then came home to a Christmas card from my soldier. He had made Christmas cards and wrote out the “this is what I’ve done this year” letter to family and friends before his deployment! He prepared all of these and gave them to his parents to mail in December. What a guy! I was a mess when I saw it. I realized how much I missed him.
I told the guy at work about this and how emotional I was. He declared, “Why? There’s no connection there. You can’t tell me that you are going to wait for him.” What? How is this his business? I said that yes, I am ‘putting myself out there’ for fun and stuff but my soldier has my heart right now.
But still I wonder…. Is this one of those things like when my ex used to travel for work and I would be home all the time? He would get home and want to just sit and I would want to go out. So, when my soldier gets back, will I want to move forward with our relationship and will he want to play, date other people and have fun after a year at war? Or will it be the other way around? Will we be in the same place again? Are the stars going to finally align just right?
A Course in Miracles says, “Would you rather be right or happy?”
Well, I was apparently not right about my ex and I. Even during all of the ‘stuff’ we went through, I was convinced that we would survive and stay together. We had to! I couldn’t imagine life any other way. But then I let it go, and found that I was happier otherwise.
I was apparently not right about another mad crush I had after my marriage ended. I knew for fact that we were made for each other, that we’d be magnificent together and that surely it would work out perfectly for us to be together. Then I let it go and found that I didn’t really want what he wanted anyway. And we’re better friends for it.
So, here we are again. Will I be right this time? Will this finally be the relationship that sticks? No, I’m not naïve and I won’t promise him that things will be perfect when he gets back. That we will date and fall in love and get married and have children and the perfect house, jobs, family, life? Then there’s that scary idea of “happily ever after”.
There are things that I still don’t know about him. There are things that he still doesn’t know about me. I still have my own ‘war’ that I have to go through. Will I be done with mine when he is done with his? Will he have to move or be deployed again before he retires? Why should I daydream or fantasize about the ideal that is in both his mind and mine? There are still another 14 months that separate now from then.
Still, we both do believe in that “happily ever after”. That is what is so romantic about the whole thing. He declares that I’m his ‘high school fantasy’. Wouldn’t it be a great story to tell?
I don’t know what is going to happen and with that thought in mind, flirting and playing around with others seems like fun sometimes. But right now, today, for some reason, it is just too difficult for me to do. I just want to sit and think about my soldier. I find that my mind goes to melancholy when it is my weekend off from the kids. I just want to meditate him. I know I should focus on other things. I do know this.
I would rather be happy than right. So far, it has worked that way. I really don’t know what is going to happen... God help me.