Reconnecting

I love to hear from you
Phone calls and emails
You’re spoiling me
This I know
So

I appreciate it
Every moment

I love the randomness of our conversations
Unexpected topics
The sound of your voice
The joy in your laughter
Little smileys in your emails

But what I love the most
Is our talk of “some days” and “one days”
And “When you get back”

You’re starting to trust me
We’re strengthening our bond

I’m glowing after our phone calls
Usually the rest of the day
I look forward to those some days and one days…
I’m glad that you do too

It is SO good to get to know you again.

All you need is...a hug!

Pushing the limits

This entire weekend, beginning with the Turkey Trot, I have pushed myself beyond whatever limits I perceived in myself.

I'm always the type to say that I'll try anything once. In most cases, I find that I have something to add to my "things I like" list. Thankfully, I believe that is what happened to me this weekend.

Still, pushing ourselves beyond creates space where we thought we had found a wall. This is generally a good thing but does leave a feeling of disorientation. What am I going to fill that space with?

I'm too tired to elaborate but I just feel a bit different than I did before. I can't even judge the feeling yet. Its still too fresh.

One thing about me is definitely the same though... I still miss my soldier.

Trottin' for Turkey

Mom and I ran the Turkey Trot 3 mile this morning. It was my very first event and I finished it in 43 minutes!! Hooray!!

It was such a great way to begin my day. I also got a really sweet email from my soldier wishing me luck. I'm at my sister's house right now and we're about to sit down to an enormous amount of food.

I realized last night that last Thanksgiving, my soldier was in Iraq. The Thanksgiving before that also. And he'll be there next Thanksgiving as well.

I cannot say enough about what a hero he is to me. I feel bad, definitely, that he is unable to be at home with his family. And then my ex pointed it out to me - serving your country is voluntary. He is choosing to do this. He has just a few more years left before retirement. Yes, it is not where he'd rather be but it is his choice. And as his friend, I will stand by him. I can only strive to do my best through this and I guess we'll see what happens.

As A Course in Miracles says and I'm paraphrasing, love him anyway. I need to stop depending on his correspondence, of course, and go back to where I was before he left for that "sandbox" as he calls it. I guess it will just take some time.

So, on this Thanksgiving day, it is with much gratitude that I say, Thank you baby. I am so very proud of you.

Feeling pretty selfish today

I guess I'm still in a weird place from yesterday. It was just one of those days. You'd think I was PMS-ing again but I don't think I am. I'll have to check the calendar.

I sent him an email yesterday evening that was so pathetic. I keep questioning his feelings for me while another part of me is saying, "Damn girl, he's freakin' calling you from Kuwait!

I hope the email doesn't completely upset him. He doesn't have time for that. He's spending Thanksgiving in the desert with 5-10 thousand other soldiers who are completely depressed that they're away from their families. I hate that I sounded so selfish. I know that I'm supposed to be this strong "Army-wife" type girlfriend but I'm not used to this! I have a right to question his intentions, don't I?

I'm reminded of a post from the Marine wife's blog that I love so much. She is married to her guy and yet this post sounds pretty darn close to how I sounded yesterday.

The good news is that it apparently gets better. I just get so disappointed in myself when I show that I am not as strong as I think I am. (Reminding me of another post from the Marine wife.) That even though I'm constantly striving for that Zen state, sometimes I have to go through a dark place to get there.

I think I'm just second guessing because I spent the last year of my marriage thinking that I was holding it together while also tending a toddler and newborn. I assumed that our marriage was still beautiful and worth working on. I assumed that he felt the same way. It was only after a year of this assuming (what do they say about assuming?), that I realized I was the only one perceiving a marriage worth saving and the only one working on it! I felt like I lost an entire year of my life and aged myself 10 years in the process! I don't need another year of a one-sided relationship!

Every reaction to every situation we encounter is based on our perception of our past. That is why sometimes the past just repeats itself. I want to break that cycle... I just don't know what part of the cycle I'm trying to break. Is it my own insecurity?

I just want a few words of affirmation from him to say that "Yes, ours is something special." Why do I need words? Apparently it is my love language. Words turn me on.

Maybe his love language is the acts of service. Maybe just the fact that I was the last phone call he made before leaving the country should tell me something. Maybe that he has called me twice in as many weeks from another country. Maybe the fact that he has always stayed in touch with me throughout this whole entire strange and undefinable thing.

Maybe that's the problem. What we have is undefinable. When people call him my boyfriend, I hesitate. No, that doesn't fit. When I say that he is my friend, I am not sure. Yes, I do call him friend but its more than that. I have a problem with ambiguity. Always have. I don't even like vanity license plates on cars if I can't figure out what they're trying to say!

And I just remember what it was like to be with him. I remember all the wonderful things he would say to me. I remember his sweet, adoring touches and little things like kissing me on my shoulder while watching TV. I remember him interrupting me as I was telling him about something to say to me, "You're so pretty..." I miss that so much.

I understand that it is simply too painful for him to feel that longing. He has to witness and experience things that I can't even imagine. Of course, there is going to be some detachment. I also have more of a chance of meeting someone who will be there for me over the next year. He knows that and so, I can't blame him for holding on loosely.

I just hate that I don't know what is going to happen!!!

And I hate that I'm feeling that I'm falling short of what I'm supposed to be.

Then other times, I wonder, who defines "supposed to be" anyway?

F-bombs!

I went to bed feeling pretty great after my study group. Then I woke up with a child in the bed with me and a crick in my neck. I don't mind snuggling with my children but it so happens that last night, I went to bed without a shirt. Thinking I would have some privacy (yeah right) before the kids woke up, it just sounded nice to feel my soft Egyptian cotton sheets on my skin. The next thing I know, I'm being groped by my 6 year old. I jumped out of the bed before she posed the question of "Mommy, why are you naked?" Sometimes, I just want to be, sweetie.

As I was getting dressed around 7 a.m., I thought I'd send a quick email off to my soldier to tell him that I was thinking of him. I thought he may still be sitting at the computer in Kuwait. Its amazing how quickly I can now add 9 hours to my time to know the time in Kuwait. I went back to my morning routine with the girls. As I walked into one of their rooms, I noticed that my oldest daughter had written all over the growth chart that hangs on their wall. Now, to the innocent bystander, this may seem like a small offense. But to a mother who has been charting the growth of her two children since the oldest child was 9 months old, this was indeed a felony of the highest degree.

Let me interject something here: A Course in Miracles states that we are never upset for the reason we think we are. I fully understand that most of the following reaction was due to the fact that I miss hearing from my soldier. Still, what you're about to read may shock you.

I began shouting f-bombs at my child. I have never done this but I was so devastatingly angry at her. I am constantly reinforcing the lesson of "don't touch anything that doesn't belong to you" and "we only write on paper". I know she knows better. The more I thought about it, the more I yelled at her. I yelled until I was crying at her. This, of course, made her cry too. She's just like me; it is her worst fear to disappoint someone. I was even more upset at seeing her sweet sad face that I went and locked myself in my room.

Things finally calmed down and I drove the girls to school. After seeing them off and letting them know that I still love them, I returned to my car and saw that I'd missed a call from an hour earlier. I didn't recognize the number so I listened to the message and heard his voice. I missed his call??!! He must have called while I was yelling at my kids or when I was locked in my room... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The tears immediately began to flood and some guy behind me honked his horn because I was driving too slowly. I thought about it later and wished that I'd put the car in park, walked back and knocked on his window and said, "HELLO! I'm trying to listen to a message from my soldier who's at WAR thank you very much!"

I pulled myself together and finally arrived at work. I talked to my mom and thank goodness she was able to point out the humor in the situation. (Thanks Mom!)

Just about 20 minutes ago, he called back. He apologized for not being a very good pen pal and proceeded to zoom from topic to topic in order to catch up with me. He was right in the middle of a story when a voice came on that said, "You have 30 seconds to finish this call." He sounded so sad when he said, "That's why I was talking so fast..."

Ugh. Ya know, just F%&*!

Lesson of the day

I went to my Course in Miracles study group tonight. As usual, the lesson of the day reflected what I needed to hear:

I gladly make the "sacrifice" of fear.

Here is the only “sacrifice” You ask of Your beloved Son; You ask him to give up all suffering, all sense of loss and sadness, all anxiety and doubt, and freely let Your love come streaming in to his awareness, healing him of pain, and giving him Your Own eternal joy. Such is the "sacrifice" You ask of me, and one I gladly make; the only "cost" of restoration of Your memory to me, for the salvation of the world.

And as we pay the debt we owe to truth, - a debt that merely is letting go of self-deceptions and of images we worshipped falsely – truth returns to us in wholeness and in joy. We are deceived no longer. Love has now returned to our awareness. And we are at peace again, for fear has gone and only love remains.

I need to relax

I guess I was spoiled last week when I heard from him every day. Over the weekend, my inbox was silent... I need to remember that he is at war.

This is probably good for me since once he's in Iraq (instead of Kuwait), he may not be able to contact me much. I should just relax and know that he's OK. (even if he is only 15 miles from Iraq's border) Boy my mind could wander! He is OK, right?

I'm sending love baby!!! I so hate that he has to miss Thanksgiving two years in a row. Ugh.

Trying to focus on work....

A photo of where he is right now:

Ride the Tides

I'd give you my heart if you've lost the strength
To face the world outside
I'd give you my eyes if I could make you see that
we're just ships that ride the tides..
-Shane Alexander

This was my mantra yesterday as I was sitting in traffic. (and it does remind me of my soldier as well..)

Whew. Yesterday about 1:45, a tanker truck overturned and exploded on the freeway near my house. Apparently, two guys were in the truck. At this point, I think one of them died. Someone said something about him walking out of the truck, engulfed in flames. What a way to die. The other guy is in critical condition. Both of them have pregnant wives… so very sad. The freeway was shut down northbound and southbound. One of my co-workers lives in my neighborhood and told me that I should leave early and take the back way to get to our neighborhood. The back way is about 10 - 15 minutes further than my normal drive home. I left my office at close to 3:00 p.m. What normally takes me 10 minutes to get to the girls' school, took me nearly 1/2 hour. After picking them up, it took another 2 hours to get home.

Its funny though because I really didn't have a problem with the long sit-in-your-car-and-wait-for-traffic-to-move drive home. The way I see it, when you’re in a situation that could be hell, someone else must be in charge so I may as well enjoy the ride. The only thing I have control over is how I react to a situation so I turned up the music and danced and sang songs with the girls. We talked about things we were grateful for (my favorite thing to do this time of year). We looked at the colors changing on the trees. My oldest daughter would get ticked every now and again (she does get car-sick) but I would bring her back up with my happy attitude. Ya know, it is tattooed on my rear to always see the good in things.. .it’s a constant reminder and it always works when I can manage to do it. And as is constantly evident, how I handle a situation affects how my daughters handle it.

Ride the tides baby...And try to smile while you're doing it.

A quote from my Soldier

In an email earlier today, regarding the poem :

"Wow, you wrote this from scratch?!"

Ha ha!
I just found his comment funny... like I made it in my kitchen or something. He's so darn cute.

A quote on Emotional Non-attachment

He who binds himself to a joy,
Does the winged life destroy.
But he who kisses it as it flies,
Lives in eternity’s sunrise.
– William Blake

Mood shifts: Can I slay this dragon?

I woke up in a weird mood this morning. I actually had a dream about my soldier. I don't remember it but I do remember that he looked like he did in high school. (Maybe a sign that I'm looking at my yearbook too much?)

The morning was normal. I have been feeling much more pleasant with my girls lately. We sang songs on the way to school. So I wouldn't say I was in a bad mood. Perhaps just pensive.

I learned that word 'pensive' while in high school. I kept a journal then too. I noticed that on some days I just didn't want to be upbeat or smiling a lot. My best friend asked me one day if I was feeling 'pensive' and it stuck. I guess I just have my pensive days. Days when my mind is a hamster on a wheel.

By the time I'd arrived at work, pensive had turned to melancholy. I feel very overwhelmed with all of the things that I have to think about. I am responsible for so much and it just fries my already overworked brain some times. I began to pray in the way that would usually allow me a sort of 'change in perspective'. I've learned these things from studying A Course in Miracles: "What is this for? Help me to see things differently. I will forgive this and it will disappear."

I started thinking about how I handle stress and realized that if I just sit with it, sit and be still with it, it will go away. With just that tiny bit of acceptance, I was starting to feel a little better.

Then I realized that Duran Duran tickets were going on sale and I needed hop on the web to buy them. (Their new album is out today! Woohoo!) I went online and began searching for tickets when my cell phone rang. A very odd telephone number....

Yay!! It was my soldier from Kuwait! Hooray! He was sleepy with jet lag still. It was nearly night time there. I had the biggest grin on my face and he said, "How lucky for your co-workers that they get to see your smiling face."

After that conversation and a few email exchanges, I was on cloud 9! I'd completely forgotten about anything else I was doing and it took quite an effort to get focused on work again. I just keep playing the phone call in my head over and over...

The phone rang again right around lunch time. My best friend is having quite a difficult time lately with a very large undertaking. She is feeling overwhelmed and taken for granted. I do my best to listen to her all the while, trying to protect this glorious mood.

Since becoming a 'yogi' and learning more about Eastern philosophy, I am very aware of energy and how we can affect each other energetically. I was starting to feel heavy and sad again - her problem was becoming my problem. I began to focus on my breath and asked that the right words be given to me. I told her that she needed to purge all of that negativity. Either meditate or have a good cry. And then I had to get off the phone.

This is one of the dragons on my quest - letting the external situation determine my moods. Either good things or bad things! I have to be able to remain content and find peace no matter the circumstance. That is my goal.

My ex just sent the obituaries from a friend's child that passed away from an accidental drowning this weekend. He was the same age as my oldest daughter. Ugh... deep breaths. Inhale... exhale...

Daily Om: Again this is SO me. AND him!

November 12, 2007

Acknowledging Our Pain

Rescuing The Rescuer

Some people seem called to help others, often from very early on in their childhoods, responding to the needs of family members, strangers, or animals with a selflessness that is impressive. Often, these people appear to have very few needs of their own, and the focus of their lives is on rescuing, helping, and healing others. While there are a few people who are truly able to sustain this completely giving lifestyle, the vast majority has needs that lie beneath the surface, unmet and often unseen. In these cases, their motivation to help others may be an extension of a deep desire to heal a wounded part of themselves that is starving for the kind of love and attention they dole out to those around them on a daily basis. For any number of reasons, they are unable to give themselves the love they need and so they give it to others. This does not mean that they are not meant to be helping others, but it does mean that they would do well to turn some of that helping energy within.

One problem with the rescuer model is that the individual can get stuck in the role, always living in crisis mode at the expense of inner peace and personal growth. Until the person resolves their own inner dramas, they play them out in their relationships with others, drawn to those who need them and often unable to acknowledge their own needs or get them met. In the worst-case scenario, they enable the other person’s dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing the rescuer and allow the person to figure it out on their own. However, if the rescuer finds the strength to turn within and face the needy aspects of their own psyche, he or she can become a model of empowerment and a true source of healing in the world.

Some signs that you or someone you love may need to rescue the rescuer within are inner burnout from overgiving; underlying resentment; an inability to admit to having needs of one’s own; and an unwillingness to be vulnerable. Help comes when we allow ourselves to admit we need it, acknowledging our humanity and our wholeness by acknowledging our pain. The understanding we gain in the process will naturally inform and inspire our ability to help those in need to do the same.

(Oh I SO need to remember this. Both my soldier and I are both 'rescuers' and both of us complained of this from past relationships. Then we tried to rescue each other! It took a lot for us to acknowledge this and realize that we had to fight our own wars. Only then can we become whole people and see what a real healthy relationship is like. I'm enjoying it as it flourishes. It is a beautiful thing!)

This is SO me

I just noticed this in my yearbook from senior year in high school... (And yes, I was looking at old photos of my soldier back when we were in school together. Still kind of wishing we had dated then but oh well...)

From 1987:
"To me, its a compliment to be called odd. I can say, 'Well, at least I'm not like you'."

I don't even remember saying that but the fact that I still feel that way speaks VOLUMES!

Veteran's Day

Flying the flag for all the soldiers and veterans and the families they left behind.
Thank you Grandpa. Thank you Papa. Thank you Dad. Thank you my sweet soldier.

My Soldier's Hands

My soldier left for war today
And yes, I’m sad he’s gone away
It’s been a while since I’ve felt his kiss
But it’s his hands that I will miss

Those hands that pinched my daughter’s cheek
Those hands that made my knees go weak
Those hands that threw my toddler high
Those hands that brushed tears as I cried

Those hands in mine, he danced with flair
Those hands that caressed my face and hair
Those hands that held tightly when life seemed all wrong
Now hold me lightly so I can be strong

Those hands held duty’s call to war
Those hands, I believe, can hold so much more
Those hands that will hold a weapon soon
Also hold the seeds that someday will bloom

The seeds they planted in my heart
That even war does not keep us apart
My war or his war; it’s all the same
The only difference is the name

The seeds became a tiny bud
Held gently in a soldier’s hands with love
Yet loosely enough so it will grow
Becoming larger and stronger, this I know

My hands nurture also and with patience and smiles
Prayers and poems across the miles
He’ll know that his friendship is worth much to me
And in his hands I know I will see

A beautiful bouquet of love that will last
Through all the wars and time that will pass
And one day those hands will touch me again
I’ll feel the warmth of his heart on my skin

I will hold his hands close to my heart
And tell him that we were never apart
For time does not exist when love is all
And although my hands may seem very small

I’m holding my soldier’s hands from far away
Sending peace and in faith I continue to pray
I put his hands in God’s hands you see
For that is the safest place they could ever be.

Mama Duck loses it

I was feeling pretty terrible this morning for yelling at my kids. I'd like to think I'm a good mom but sometimes, I just can't take it. My soldier told me to enjoy the fact that they both follow me everywhere I go around the house. He said, "It's really adorable. Enjoy it because it won't last forever."

Still, with all that I do, sometimes I'd just like to turn around and not have a child right there! This morning was one of those mornings. I lost it and they weren't happy.

I saw the look in my older daughter's eyes. That look that said exactly how I felt when my dad would do the same thing. Yell and slam doors and throw things. Yes, I said throw things. I'll admit it and its not something that I'm proud of. Call it Italian passion or whatever. I call it acting like a 2 year old.

So tonight we sat together on the couch, ate pizza and watched a movie on TV. After their bath, I rubbed almond oil on them... a favorite treat for them in the winter when the air is dry. Nothing beats a nighttime massage! They're sleeping peacefully now and I am still at work on this new blog. I'm excited about it. Its fun for me.

My soldier called me this evening. (YAY!) He was just about to get on his plane. I was so giddy from hearing his voice. He laughed at me and said he couldn't hear me through all of my 'glee'. It was a nice conversation. The best part of it was knowing that it wasn't the last one.

I'm off to bed now. I've started reading that darn Eat, Pray, Love book that everyone keeps talking about. I will admit... its a pretty darn fun read!

He left today

My guess is that he’s in the air right now. Maybe he’s listening to his ipod… I wonder if he put my cd from my old band on that thing. I wonder if he’s thinking of me.

Ugh. I knew 2 days ago when my breasts felt sore that this was going to happen. My mood is spiraling again. Damn that PMS! I was just laughing at my blog the last time I was PMS-ing when I said that I felt that my kids hated me and that I wanted to punch my hand through a window. And here we are again!

I’m sad because I wanted to be there to say goodbye. I, at the very least, wanted to talk to him once more. I hate I missed his call yesterday! (ARGH!) I wanted to hug him and let him cry and cry with him. I keep thinking about him being very emotional with me when he spoke of leaving for war again. When I held him and said that I wish I could take his pain away.... I wanted to be the strong one today and let him know that he was going to be ok and that I would be sending him lots of love from home. I’m sure he got all of that from his mom and dad but I wanted to do it too. I love his arms around me. I love his arms around me….

Initially, I was feeling glad that I wasn’t there this morning. I feel ok about him leaving because I know that we will stay in touch. But as I began to think about how he is probably feeling, and knowing him, he probably didn’t get emotional with his parents because he wants to put on a ‘brave face’ for his family. Like when we were at his brother’s house and he didn’t want to let his brother know that his back was bothering him. I guess it’s the same as me being the strong one in my family. And I think he perhaps feels like he has to be a good son since his older brother has pretty much isolated himself from them all. It’s a tough role to play. I know it well.

I guess a part of me is scared too. I keep thinking about him coming into my life now and how perfect it felt. It was just what I needed. And just what he needed. Well, what if, in 16 months, we don’t need it anymore? We will both be different, of course, but does that mean no longer compatible?

Boy, he is a strong man to hold this whole thing off before going away for 16 months. I mean, we could’ve very easily continued to suck completely into each other and this ‘goodbye’ would’ve been excruciating! And I would be a complete and absolute MESS right now! And HIM TOO! Ugh! It would just be the most awful and gut-wrenching thing! But instead, it is sad but we’re not addicted to each other right now. We can still talk. We can still email. Even from there! So, it won’t be as bad as it could have been. I have to be thankful for that and I’m sure that he is too.

Still it’s that ‘mother figure’ in me that wants to hold him one more time and let him know that it will be ok. I’m sure it won’t be the last time I feel that. Nor the last time I will be able to hold him.

I know that we will talk and email and stay in touch. Hopefully grow together and be better friends and who knows what sort of 16 month foreplay we will have! (ha!)

My Captain America, My Hercules, My SuperHero…

Godspeed sweetie. Be safe and I will call on my angels for you.

I love you.

November 5, 2007

My soldier leaves for Iraq this week. This past weekend he was in New York running in the NYC Marathon. It was quite an experience for him as he was shoulder to shoulder with close to 39,000 other runners. Still, we cheered him on from here as we watched the marathon over the Internet. It wasn't his best time but he still completed it in less than 4 hours. I can't even imagine running 26 miles! He seemed to have the most fun with several celebrity sightings. It was good to hear him sounding lighthearted and silly again, if only for a day.

We have been having great conversations over the phone lately. I think we're both more comfortable with this stage of our friendship/relationship. I certainly feel a huge lightness compared to how I was feeling just a few weeks ago. He sounds down a lot of the time but I do my best to keep things light and fun. He says its sort of an escape for him to dive into my life.

I've read several military wives' blogs lately and I continue to THANK GOD that I am not one of them. I feel blessed every day that he is sort of holding on loosely to me so that I can have my own life and still feel his love when he calls. I can only pray for the families of the soldiers that are fighting overseas. I always did pray for them before but I have such a different perspective now. It is painful to give your heart and let someone take it to war with them. I can't imagine not only your heart, but the hearts of your children as well.

My kids adore our soldier but they aren't attached to the point of complete despair. Don't get me wrong, my older daughter insists that we check up on him and keep him in our prayers. She is worried about him and knows that he will be in some danger. But she always insists, in her little intuitive way, that he will be safe because he is strong. She says he's strong because she saw him pick me up and carry me one day. She'd never seen that before and was very impressed!

Anyway, Veteran's Day is coming up on this Sunday, November 11th. Please keep the soldiers in mind. Send your love and prayers out to them. I know its not one of those holidays that everyone acknowledges but just think about it.

I know one really sweet guy that would certainly appreciate it.

October 26, 2007

October 26, 2007
Without A Net
Living Life With Trust from Daily Om

As we create the life of our dreams, we often reach a crossroads where the choices seem to involve the risk of facing the unknown versus the safety and comfort of all that we have come to trust. We may feel like a tightrope walker, carefully teetering along the narrow path to our goals, sometimes feeling that we are doing so without a net. Knowing we have some backup may help us work up the courage to take those first steps, until we are secure in knowing that we have the skills to work without one. But when we live our lives from a place of balance and trust in the universe, we may not see our source of support, but we can know that it is there.

If we refuse to act only if we can see the safety net, we may be allowing the net to become a trap as it creates a barrier between us and the freedom to pursue our goals. Change is inherent in life, so even what we have learned to trust can surprise us at any moment. Remove fear from the equation and then, without even wondering what is going on below, we can devote our full attention to the dream that awaits us.

We attract support into our lives when we are willing to make those first tentative steps, trusting that the universe will provide exactly what we need. In that process we can decide that whatever comes from our actions is only for our highest and best experience of growth. It may come in the form of a soft landing, an unexpected rescue or an eye-opening experience gleaned only from the process of falling. So rather than allowing our lives to be dictated by fear of the unknown, or trying to avoid falling, we can appreciate that sometimes we experience life fully when we are willing to trust and fall. And in doing so, we may just find that we have the wings to fly.

When we believe that there is a reason for everything, we are stepping out with the safety net of the universe, and we know we will make the best from whatever comes our way.

October 17, 2007

Watch this video! I've always loved this scene. I feel like I've lived it recently with my love, my soldier and Ironman....

He's leaving for Iraq in 3 weeks. I feel that I am strong enough to handle it. God knows I've been through so much over the past few years. What's another 16 months? Besides, its the perfect time for me to focus on my girls, get my house sold, complete my divorce, get comfortable and settled into single life, right?

I go about my days with him in the back of my mind. He would've loved going to the Pumpkin Patch with me and the kids. I remember putting on these jeans and him commenting how nice they looked on me. I see areas of my house where we just sat and talked for hours without rush. He's always there.

He is completing all his final tasks before going away - like he's dying or something. Today he told me that he was making sure his will and estate are in order. Ugh.

I had said something about wanting to know more about his days, what he's doing, etc. because when he calls I feel like I'm just babbling on about my day. He got upset and said that he didn't want to talk to me about what he was doing because then he'd have to think about where he was going. He then went into a (I think much needed) vent about how little time he was able to spend in the States since his last deployment a year ago. He is still very angry that he's going back and he simply wants to smile, laugh and enjoy his time here as long as he can. I thought I was doing him a favor by allowing him to vent with me but he just got more emotional and upset. It was then that I realized that I am no good for him right now.

He said that he enjoys calling me and listening to me go on about my day. He said that I help him put his life in perspective when he's having a hard time. He doesn't have to talk about how he feels. He just likes to be my friend. He says I have enough stresses in my life without worrying about him. He thinks that he is no good for me right now either.

What do I do? I haven't felt lonely like this in so long. I miss him like crazy and its complete torture knowing that he misses me too. But quite simply, our emotions would drive us both insane if we did get together. It would be nothing but absolute joy and utter misery.

We cling to each other while frogs come raining down from the sky. All those frogs.... war, divorce, obligations, past hurts, fears and worries... We held each other so tightly through those 3 weeks together while the frogs came down. Now we're apart and surrounded by bloody dead frogs! We have to get strong, pull up our sleeves and face all that devastation. And start to clear away the dead frogs.

My friend used that analogy with me. I thought it was hilarious. I see it is true. We grew close so fast because we were each other's escape. I guess its good that we both see that it is not healthy. But it does hurt so bad.

"There are other fish in the sea". That's what my friends are saying. True - but how do I recover from this?

I can't imagine how to let go completely. I know that I have to move on or else it will be 16 months of sheer torture! I don't want to think about how he's going to pull away when he's at war. Or will he cling tighter? Am I as strong as I think?

I need to be okay either way. I have some dead frogs to clean up...


UPDATE 10/17!

I am doing ok now. I had to think some things through. I'm feeling better and back to sort of a Zen state. I was PMS-ing BAD! The funny thing is that I know that those dark times always precede a spiritual breakthrough. And I felt that breakthrough overnight. Apparently it is quite common. I've now heard it referred to as "dancing on the edge of transformation" or "3 days in the tomb" or "wandering in the wilderness". I guess you just have to go through it to get to the other side!

October 17, 2007

10 Things you don't know about me

1. I have set a goal to do a triathlon in the next year or two.
2. My favorite chocolates are the Lindt Dark Chocolate truffles. YUMMY!
3. I sometimes feel that I am a horrible mother and that my kids hate me. (like today)
4. I want to sing for a band again. I really miss performing for an audience.
5. I really, really love a good thunderstorm.
6. I enjoy baseball games on the radio.
7. I choose to have (and enjoy) a better body at age 40 than I had at age 20.
8. I will take piano lessons with my daughter.
9. I have horrible PMS and feel like punching my hand through a window.
10. I am still not sure what I want to be when I grow up.

October 8, 2007

Its funny because I think the category of most of my blogs is 'life'. Isn't that what we're doing here?

I always laugh at the CEO where I work. Anytime I ask him how he's doing, his response is always the same: "Excellent"

Well, today when he asked me how I was doing, I said "excellent". It felt good to be able to say that and actually mean it.

Somewhere, somehow, sometime over the weekend, I woke up and felt that I was back. Back to the "Zen/Buddha state" that my friends refer to when they speak of me. I am certainly no Buddha but it is nice to strive for it. I kept asking for that peace of mind again. I saw this prayer at some time on Saturday. From A Course in Miracles:

I must have decided wrongly, because I am not at peace.
I made the decision myself, but I can also decide otherwise.
I want to decide otherwise, because I want to be at peace.

So, I decided to "choose again" in how I was feeling. I realize that I was beginning to look outside of myself for that peace, that joy, that healing. The only place I've ever found that before was in being still and listening to that small voice inside. Unfortunately, the voice that screams the loudest is the ego. I was trying to be aware and mindful as I went into the loss of my father and the start of a relationship. I guess I lost myself along the way.

I realize that yes, I do miss my father but I am so grateful to have found a place of peace with him. In perfect time. I do know he is still with me. Rejoicing that he is really able to keep an eye on us now!

I also realize that I was totally absorbing into my new relationship as to avoid feeling sadness (I really hate being sad). But inevitably, looking outside leads to fear of loss. That fear leads to neediness; neediness leads to expectations; expectations lead to disappointment; disappointment leads to pain.

I have to feel that sadness and not judge myself for the "weakness" it appears to be in my mind. I also have to be aware that depending on someone else to heal me or "make me feel happy" will never work. It puts simply too much pressure on the other party and it sets up a very volatile situation.

My love has not been telling me that he doesn't want to be with me (which, based on my past hurts, is what I was perceiving). He was saying, "Let us take this slowly. Let us live our lives and work on our own healing. Let us find ourselves again so that we can come together as two whole people. Let us be deliberate in learning to be together."

I understand now. I will be his friend and send him love and support while he is fighting whatever internal and external wars he must face. And if we find a place in this world someday, then I will rejoice in love. If we don't, I will still rejoice in love. Because I do know that this was yet another lesson in finding out who I am. And in finding the love that is inside and limitless. Why not celebrate that?!

October 4, 2007

October 4, 2007

Stronger For It

Mending A Broken Heart from Daily Om

Heartbreak happens to all of us and can wash over us like a heavy rain. When experiencing a broken heart, our ethereal selves are saturated with grief, and the overflow is channeled into the physical body. Loss becomes a physical emptiness, and longing is transmuted into a feeling that often cannot be put into words. Mending a broken heart can seem a task so monumental that we dare not attempt it for fear of damaging ourselves further. But heartbreak, like all emotions, falls under the spell of our conscious influence.

Often the pain that wounds us most deeply also leaves the most enduring mark upon us. The shock that becomes the tender, throbbing ache of the heart eventually leads us down the path of enlightenment, blessing our lives with a new depth and richness.

Acknowledging heartbreak's impermanence by no means dulls its sting for it is the sting itself that stimulates healing. The pain is letting us know that we need to pay attention to our emotional selves, to sit with our feelings and be in them fully before we can begin to heal. It is said that time heals all wounds. Time may dull the pain of a broken heart, but it is fully feeling your pain and acknowledging it that will truly help you heal. Dealing with your heartache in a healthy way rather than putting it off for tomorrow is the key to repair. Gentleness more than anything else is called for. Most important, open yourself to the possibility of loving, trusting, and believing again. When, someday soon, you emerge from the cushion of your grief, you will see that the universe did not cease to be as you nursed your broken heart. You emerge on the other side of the mending, stronger for all you have experienced.

October 2, 2007

Friday evening, I was having an amazing evening with my old friend/new love. He was telling me how he's been overcome with emotion about me. He's feeling and thinking things about a future with me and we've only been together 3 weeks. He said and I quote, "This is really freaking me out." He was emotional as he told me that he didn't expect me to wait for him while he was gone to Iraq. He said he couldn't even promise me that I would love the man who returns.

Saturday morning, I left with my family for my dad's memorial. Saturday afternoon, I was singing Amazing Grace in front of the entire congregation and trying to hold it together. Saturday night, I was back in my own bed, gratefully alone and getting a good night's sleep (for the first time in a few weeks).

Sunday morning, I was watching my love in a triathlon and meeting his parents (for the first time since age 16). We shared a kiss in the parking lot that almost made me cry. I have never felt anything so intense and emotional in a kiss. Time stood still.

Sunday afternoon, I received a phone call that a dear friend had passed away on Friday. Still distraught but still with my love, he held me close and wouldn't let go. Then within a few hours, I was driving home alone and lost.

He told me that he is feeling "emotionally naked" and vulnerable and is trying to prepare mentally for war. He said he was really scared of the feelings he was having and thought that perhaps we shouldn't see each other before he leaves. He kept insisting that 16 months would be a very long time and that surely I would meet someone else. Every relationship he's had during every deployment has left him hurt and thus, he expects the same from me.

I cannot convince anyone that something will or won't happen. How would I know? My friends have all said, "Well, T, he just doesn't know you that well." I don't know what the future holds but I do believe that as a friend, he deserves my love while he's focused on the task he's been assigned.

I have spent this morning trying to put thoughts on paper for him. We have spoken and we do care very deeply for each other. We will stay in touch. I only hope that I can somehow provide a little peace in his life while he's at war. I am sad that I probably won't see him until 2009. It is his physical form that I will miss. I feel that the content of our relationship will stay the same and for that I am grateful.

He kept saying that he should have just not bothered me in my life but I don't regret a single perfect moment with him. I have learned and felt things that I didn't think I was capable of anymore. For that, I am also grateful.

I am also drained and need a good night's rest. I am thankful to find a little peace of mind during all of this. For without it, I can't imagine the war I would be fighting myself.

September 26, 2007

When the phone rang at 11:36 last night, I knew... my dad had finally died. He was diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer on Friday, April 13. The doctors said to treat it would be useless so he decided to accept his fate. He seemed peaceful and sure about it, except at times, when he would show us that he was scared. It helped me, as the oldest child, to see him that way. There were always unspoken expectations between us. It was nice to finally see that we were the same.

I called about 9:45 last night. I don't know why. My sister put her phone to his ear so that I could tell him again that I loved him and that I knew he'd always be with me. Someone suggested to me that perhaps that is what he was waiting for since my sister and brother were already there with him. I'm just glad that I called and that he's peacefully free now.

Thank you all for your support and thoughts and prayers through all of this. My family appreciates it. I do too.

My oldest daughter responded in the best way... as she frequently does. She hugged me and said, "He's still with you Mommy. He's just in your heart now."

September 24, 2007

I went back home this weekend to spend more time with my dad. Last week he was feeling scared of dying alone. My very intuitive and spiritual 6 year old asked about him one night last week. I had just driven back from Louisiana where I'd spent 24 hours because my dad was asking for me. I sat on my daughter's bed that night and began to tell her about how he looked and the fear in his eyes and how he'd been crying because he didn't want to die alone. "But Mommy," she said, with the look of complete confidence in her eyes, "he's not alone. He's with God. And there's lots of other people too so he shouldn't be scared." I relayed the message to my dad and he cried even more.

Well, this week he is half with us and half somewhere else. The hospice nurse had left us a pamphlet last week about the stages of dying. Apparently, the dying person begins to "check out" of this world and slowly move to an inside world. It starts with sorting through feelings (what he did last week and is still doing internally this week) and then gradually losing interest in earthy things. He doesn't want to watch TV anymore (that's a biggie!) but ironically, he does enjoy having a remote in his hand. (Leave it to a man to want to die with a remote. I guess even when dying, they like the "control".) He doesn't want to wear clothes anymore. He had told me a few weeks ago that clothes felt very uncomfortable. I guess when you have cancer eating you alive; the inflammation upsets your nerves. At this point, even the slightest human touch feels like "razor blades" according to my dad. We can't even touch him anymore. He doesn't eat. He only drinks water because his mouth gets so dry that he can't speak. So, when he has something to say, he will ask for a drink of water. He pretty much lies in bed in the dark quiet room and tries to open his eyes to look around. He can't focus anymore either. He squints with one eye to look around.

He also talks quite a bit. It's muffled and slow but he's reliving his life. He was asking my sister and I about someone the other day and we kept telling him we had no idea who he was telling us about. We found out later it was a guy he went to high school with. He also went over how to perform a particular task that he did for 30 years in his old job. He kept telling my sister the same task over and over. He even stood up yesterday morning and took everyone by surprise as he was adamant that he needed to go to work. He's very worried what will happen to everyone when he's gone. All we do is reassure him that it's ok, we have it under control now.

Every now and then, he'll get a confused look on his face and say "What? What did you say?" We asked him about it and he said that other people are talking to him besides us. Just when we think he's totally checked out, he'll respond to something. I told him that we had a "Rockstar" birthday party for my 6 year old daughter. He made a hand motion that said, "Keep talking." So, I told him every detail and he just beamed and laughed and smiled. I know that the morphine is keeping him sedated but he is still with it enough to know who's in the room with him. My sister and brother and I get pretty silly when we're together so we'd be chatting about something and giggling and he'd giggle too.

I've had some wonderful emotional support from friends. I was even telling a friend yesterday morning that I felt fine. I was happy to see my dad again and now I just wanted him to have peace. 10 minutes later I was at his bedside, crying uncontrollably. He would just look at me and smile. He also wants a lot of kisses and still says, "I love you." One of the last things he said to me yesterday was, "Look Tonya! You're a movie star!" I was confused and asked him what he was talking about. He said, "I just saw you on TV! You're a movie star!" and he was so proud.

My father and I have never really had a great relationship. But I believe that we learn lessons in this life that teach us how to forgive. I'm realizing that if I had never gone through my recent split from my husband, I may not have ever revisited the pain I felt from my own father. I had to look at both pains at once and it was the most difficult thing I've ever done. But I forgave both him and my husband. I can actually feel love and peace when I'm with my dad. And I actually feel that I'll miss him. I couldn't have said that a year ago.

I'm also getting some wonderful support from my old high school friend (referred to in my last blog). He is so good to me and yet I'm realizing that I'm terrified! Scared to open myself up again. What if I get hurt again? It's not just my heart that I'm playing with now. My girls enjoy seeing him as well. He will be gone for so long and he said that when he returns he will probably still be at his base in Texas or even perhaps move somewhere else before he can finally retire from the Army (in 2011). I am just crazy about him but I'm not sure if it's because I'm feeling scared or overly emotional or just need some extra support from someone. I feel like I am trying to depend on him when I've spent the entire past year and a half learning to depend on myself.

I really enjoy his company and I really want to wait for him while he's gone to Iraq (which he says he is not expecting). I'm so emotionally drained at this point that I'm not even sure I can be present with him now. I had grown so independent and now I'm feeling longing again. I'm feeling vulnerable. I don't enjoy that feeling. Why do I feel the need to defend myself? Do I want to sign up for 15 months of longing and then have to move away from my home and friends and family to be with him? Do I really need to even think about it right now? Why can't I just enjoy our time together and not worry about a future that neither he nor I can predict?

I think I'm feeling as if I'm losing my footing a little and simply want something sturdy to stand on. Things have progressed rather quickly with my old friend because we have a shared history and were immediately at a comfort level you just don't normally have when you begin dating someone. Perhaps I just need to have patience and trust. I also need to remember my faith. Faith that the one thing I pray for will be mine and is mine, should I choose it. The one thing I pray for is peace of mind.

So, I am not sure if I will see my dad alive again. He could die within the next two weeks. I am not sure if I'm falling for an Army guy. He's just so amazingly beautiful to me.

What I do know is that my dad sees me with pride and perhaps he always has, but I just never noticed. I'm glad to see it now, even if it is through glassy, half mast eyes. On my drive back home, I kept hearing my dad singing a song he used to sing the shower when I was a child. I know I have it on tape somewhere. Something about a man who would do anything, "All for the love of a little girl." That's how I'd like to remember him. And maybe he'll remember me as his movie star.

I will do my best, Dad, to be that star. And to shine as bright as you'd like me to in this movie that is my life.

September 7, 2007

I went out last night with my old friend from high school. First, let me start off by saying that my stomach was anxious and I couldn't concentrate at all at work yesterday. I was very excited at the email/telephone exchange he and I had had over the past few weeks. I was also excited at the prospect of both of us liking each other and both being single… mutual affection! What a concept!
When he finally arrived at the door, I was nervous as hell about what I would see standing on my front doorstep. Oh wow… what a beautiful man! His body looked strong and fit but I was sort of expecting that since he'd missed our high school reunion because he was participating in the Ironman Triathlon in Hawaii. (Have you ever seen that on TV? Whoa!) He had completely shaved his head and well, let's just say either good hair or bald heads do it for me! And those eyes. I had completely forgotten about those gorgeous blue green eyes. At one point, when he wasn't in the room, I turned to my mom (who was going to stay with my children) and asked her, "Is he hot or is it just me?" She replied, "There's flames coming off of him!!"
I was surprised that my youngest daughter actually put her arms up for him to pick her up. She never does that! She is really unsure around men because she hasn't really had one in the house regularly. He liked that. Then he tried to acknowledge my older daughter who just giggled a lot and acted silly. I think she was nervous too!
He kept telling me that I was grown up.
He said that for some reason, he was half expecting to see the same girl from high school. We left my house after a nickel tour and went out to dinner.
The date was fun. He was very attentive and curious about my past relationships. He couldn't quite understand how I have remained friends with my ex. The best part was that he was totally focused on my facial expressions and tone of my voice as well as what I was saying.
He asked questions about high school… why did I never want to date him? What was it about him that turned me off? I was amazed that he had the perception that he turned me off! He was dating someone at the time!
He helped me to remember that he was in my English class both Junior and Senior years in high school. He was never secretive about his feelings but to me, it felt like he was just flirting to see my reaction. I guess I never took it seriously. He couldn't comprehend how I couldn't take him seriously when he was serious! I guess I didn't quite see myself the way he saw me. Isn't it funny that we think that people view us a certain way but it's really our own perception of ourselves that we project onto those around us? As far as the girl he was dating, he said that he always wanted to be with me but since I never reciprocated, he just assumed that I had no interest.
I started thinking about high school and the "nice, quiet girl" that he remembers. I had no idea who I was and I don't think any of us did. I'm sort of glad I didn't really date in high school because I can't imagine the type of relationship it would've been. I was a mess in the relationship with myself at the time!!
So there I was sitting in a nice restaurant with this beautiful man and the waitress comes over to check on us and he turns to the waitress and says, "Look at her. She's had two children and doesn't she look amazing? We went to high school together and this is our first date. 22 years I waited for this!"
We left the restaurant and walked around the downtown square for a while. At one point he turned to me and just started slow dancing with me. On a street corner. And yet, it felt like the perfectly natural thing to do.
The rest of the evening was very sweet and wonderful. He was a perfect gentleman and so aware of me and my comfort. Sometime during the evening, I was looking at him and thinking how sad it was that he was leaving for Iraq. (this is his second tour by the way) It was just a passing thought but apparently it showed on my face because he instantly noticed and said, "What's the sad face for?"
It felt really good to have someone's attention at that level. Yet, still part of me doesn't trust it. How could someone find that much interest in me? I need to stop questioning and just go with the flow. Especially since the clock is ticking. I'm trying to remember that he's back in my life for a reason... be it short-lived or not. I will enjoy it and try to relax! And I'm looking forward to our next perfect moments.

August 31, 2007

Ok, so what's happenin' with me?

Just life stuff, I guess. I've been in a weird mood for a couple of weeks and today I actually feel like it is abating a little. The weirdness in my head, I was noticing in my world too. (of course)

Well, let's see where to start…

My Dad is still not doing well, he's taking morphine 3 times a day now and mostly sleeps. We try to talk in the afternoons a couple of times a week. He's always happy to hear from me or my sister. My brother, on the other hand, lives there in town, pretty close to my dad. And he rarely calls or visits. Instead he's helping to care for another man who's dying of ALS and although its wearing my brother out, he's getting paid well for it. My dad is hurt but instead, he tells us all that he doesn't care and that's he's certainly not going to beg my brother to come see him. I understand that my brother is busy and tired and probably doesn't want to see Dad in this way but I just hate that he will regret it later. Yeah, I know. There's nothing I can do about that. Just love him through it...

My niece went missing two days ago after school. She just started kindergarten and for some reason, her teacher kept misunderstanding how she was supposed to be getting home. Well, that day, the teacher told my niece that she had instructions from my sister for my niece to walk home. 3 miles. At 5 years old. Down a major street. Argh! So my mom shows up to pick up my niece and no one knew where she was. 45 minutes later, they realized that she had walked home to another kindergartener's house with this other little girl. They called the house and sure enough, she was there. She had never even met this child but she felt it was safer to go home with someone than to try to walk home by herself. Thank God! Needless to say, everyone was freaking out in my family. And my poor niece. That will probably be her earliest memory as most of us remember starting kindergarten. She was terrified, poor baby… She greeted her dad saying "I thought I was never going to see you again."

I've been getting a bit frustrated with men lately. I guess because I'm older and mostly around married people, I get the distinct impression that it makes some people uncomfortable. So what? Wives now think that their husbands aren't safe around me? Like other men talk about feeling uncomfortable around gay men. What the hell? Like gay men or single women are all on the prowl to sleep with anyone they meet?! It's really frustrating.

Yeah, I can be "one of the guys" because I'm used to playing that role since I've had mostly male friends my whole life and worked in IT for a while. But it is still an uncomfortable position to be in when meeting a husband and wife for the first time in any situation. The man acts nervous around me and the woman looks at me like I'm a bitch. I'm just trying to be nice. Sheesh. Again, I know. It's their projection but it's still very strange for me.

I had my profile on an online dating service. I took it down last week. I'm just not sure I'm ready to meet a brand new person just yet. Call it fear or lack of trust. I think its that and the fact that I simply don't have the time nor the energy to try and build from scratch with a perfect stranger. Not at this point anyway.

Then there's this other guy…. this guy I knew in high school. He and I "crushed" on each other for the last two and a half years of high school but I was either seeing someone or he was. We never even went out but I did date his older brother for a little while, met his family, etc. He also "crushed" on my mom too. Ha! You think I'm a flirt? You haven't met my mom yet…

We've contacted each other every 10 years or so, just to catch up but I was dating or married, etc. I was thinking I'd see him at the reunion but he was in a triathlon that day (wow) and couldn't make it. So, I got his email address and contacted him and he's been calling. The last time I'd heard from him, he was living in Hawaii. He works in the Army so he's always moving somewhere. Well now he's here in Texas, just 2 ½ hours away. He is so excited to be back in touch and the fact that for the first time, we're both single. We're supposed to be going out on our first official date next week. Last night, he also asked me to schedule a particular weekend in September to spend with him because…. He's about to leave for Iraq in November. Argh!!! What the hell?!

So finally, here's a chance to see someone that I adore, respect and who adores me and has always been nothing but loving and respectful towards me. How cool that he's finally in Texas. He can't wait to spend time with me. And now he's going to go off and fight in a war that I can't even talk about because it frustrates me so. And will he come back? I know, again I should just send him love and love this moment and whatever time I have with him. The future is out of my hands anyway.

The other day, he asked me about what happened with my ex and as I spoke to him about it, I found that I was sounding so angry and resentful. He pointed it out to me and I realized that it was still festering in me. I thought, Geez, it's been over a year and a half, I've been working really hard, I should be "over it". But I'm realizing that I'm still so very hurt and scared to open myself up to possibly more hurt. I'm really afraid to trust someone with my heart again. Maybe its just more fun to "want something that I can't have." Maybe its less frightening that way because I can still keep 'me' intact.

Anyway, that's just part of what's going on in the midst of working full time, helping another friend with her business part-time, trying to take care of myself, my house and being a single mommy of two.

So yes, I understand that this little bit of anger and resentment and fear is good because then I'm at least aware of it. I'd swear I didn't know it was there before. It does resurface every now and again and I think that I'm working through it but I guess it's just a process. A process that I have to trust.

August 13, 2007

I had a lot of anxiety over my 20^th high school reunion this past weekend and well – I really had a great time. Here's a not-so-brief blog description of my trip back down memory lane to 1987. Enjoy!

Friday night we had a meet & greet at a little Irish pub. It was the opening night for the restaurant/bar and I think we may have overwhelmed them. Not a single one of us ever sat down and we ordered food and drinks galore. Hopefully they were all paid for!

It was interesting because all of my classmates seemed to have the same anxiety as I did. We all greeted each other with confused gazes that said, "I think I know you but I can't remember." It really broke the ice when someone brought a yearbook. We were able to use it for a quick reference and then recognition would set in. "OH, yeah! I remember you!" It was amazing to see some people who looked the exact same as 20 years ago. And then some… not so much!

Memories came back to me as several of us decided to leave the pub and find a place to go dancing. I danced (and drank) so much of my senior year of high school. It felt very comfortable to dance with my new/old friends. Recently, I've noticed that I'm not quite as comfortable dancing as I used to be but it felt completely natural to be dancing with my classmates. One of us told the DJ at the club that we were celebrating our reunion. He finally announced "Here's to the class of 1987. They may be old but they're not dead!" We were highly offended but kept on dancing anyway. They even started Planet Earth by Duran Duran and we all ran out to dance. Midway through the song, he changed it to something else. We wanted more 80's music but oh well. We danced and laughed until 2:00 a.m.

Saturday, we were able to go back to the school for a small gathering in the cafeteria. More classmates were there that had missed the previous night's activities. The recognition of the school was much like my recognition of my fellow students. Some parts looked the same and others… well, they were finishing a whole new beautiful wing while we were there! We also noticed that every graduating class had a mural or something left in their honor. Every class except us! Someone said that we did leave a bricked path somewhere but perhaps it was destroyed during some renovations. I would like to see us do something about that but unfortunately, out of a graduation class of 226, only 30 + showed for the reunion. Maybe in another 5 – 10 years, there will be enough of us to fund something. I also forgot that the school is located in not the safest neighborhood. Whew! It looks worse than it did 20 years ago. I felt a little sad as I drove away from the school. I wasn't sure if it was memories or because of the number of our classmates who are no longer with us. I guess we all had our demons in high school or at home.

During my brief tour of the school, I found that several of our old teachers are still teaching there. It was Saturday so no one was there but I did run into my old English/Creative Writing teacher!! Ms. S was my favorite teacher and biggest fan. The first thing she said when she saw me was "Are you still singing your sweet little heart out?" She inspired my love for Shakespeare and keeping journals and Pink Floyd (her favorite song is Comfortably Numb – yes, she is a product of the 60's!). She frequently asked us to bring in lyrics and explain the imagery. It was so good to see her again. This will be her last year teaching so it was perfect timing that we would see each other. We exchanged email addresses and she's already asking me to send her some of my lyrics and poems. Love her!!!

Saturday night was our formal dinner/gathering. It wasn't that formal but I wore my smokin' red dress anyway. We all took lots of photos and talked and again, hardly sat down. The highlight for me was when a few of my old friends and I were able to take a photo together. Three guys that were there were part of my first band in high school. The other two weren't able to be at the reunion but at least most of the band was there. One of the guy's parents' house was where we rehearsed and they were able to stop by to say hello too. It was good to see my "Musical Mom & Dad" – as I used to refer to them. Mom burst into tears when she saw me. I was her only "adopted daughter" from our old high school group and I hadn't seen her in about 17 years.

After we left the restaurant, we again looked for a tiny club to go hang out. We ended up sitting in the corner of a bar, about 15 of us, talking and still reminiscing about high school. We all realized we were too old to stay out til 2 two nights in a row, so we called it a night at 1:15 a.m. What a blast!

You know, I had heard that a 20^th reunion would be fun but I wasn't sure. Maybe this will help you if you're anxious about returning to your old high school roots. It was fun for me.

My old high school crush wasn't there. The last time I'd heard about him was after his girlfriend was killed in a car wreck during my freshman year of college. I've always wondered about him and about once a year, I have a dream about him. I heard that he's married with kids in Virginia now. And happy. That left me smiling on my drive back home. In 20 years, I guess I pictured everyone as the same. I'm glad to know that the only constant is change.

July 18, 2007

Wow, it has been a crazy summer thus far. I am excited to say that my job is wonderful. I'm actually enjoying what I'm doing and the people I'm working with. Maybe a change in attitude is what changed every thing else. What am I saying, "Maybe" for? Of course it is. Everything starts with perception.

I am also helping my dear friend with her new yoga, pilates, dance studio and eco-store. Its nice to help a friend and have fun while doing it. And we're helping the environment too. It feels good. On so many levels.

My dad's birthday is today. Will it be his last? Hmmm... I will be traveling back home this weekend for a birthday party. I'm looking forward to spending some family time with him, his wife, my mom, sis, brother and all of the kids! Should be fun.

My 20th high school reunion is coming up in mid-August. Can you believe its been 20 years?! Can you believe its already August? Sheesh! Time does really fly by when you're not looking. What did John Lennon say, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." I hope to be more present in my "now". And in my "future".

I'm feeling very happy right now. Life gets a bit weird sometimes. Like this weekend, for instance. I was at a friend's birthday party and there was a live band. So... live band + friends + T = I'm singing with the band! The party was fun. One guy was hanging around WAY too much. My friend said he looked like "a coyote drooling over his next meal." Just felt a bit strange and then being in Deep Ellum brought back a ton of memories that left me feeling melancholy. Then the next day, I was fine again. I guess I'm processing things all the time. Staying busy internally too!

Life is good. Thought I'd write it down. Yay!

June 27, 2007

Well, that was a blast! Just saw the Police last night and fell in love with Joe Sumner (Sting's oldest son and lead singer of the opening band, Fiction Plane). My kids and I love their new single, Two Sisters! You can't tell me its not catchy!

I'm feeling pretty worn and wondering if I'm getting too old for concerts... Hells no!!! If Sting, Stewart and Andy can perform every night in their 50's and 60's then, I'm THERE!

Its fun to meet these opening acts too. I love that they all come out and promote and sign cds after they perform. I also enjoyed meeting Shane Alexander (who opened for Seal). They genuinely appreciate their fans and beg and plead for you to support them. How nice - especially after feeling a little less than important among the thousands of people in the audience vying for the main act's attention!

My 5 year old and I went to the Harry Connick, Jr concert together. She was in awe when he came on the stage (and she saw him up close from our 7th row seats). She soon grew tired - it was way past her bedtime. Perhaps it was too early to be dragging her to concerts? But a little of me did come out in her when she requested a poster to hang in her room because, as she says, "He's handsome Mommy..." Love it!!

Concerts are fun for me... I hope I can enjoy them for many more years.

And I still get butterflies in my stomach - whee!!!

May 2, 2007

Just thought I'd talk about the concerts I'm seeing this summer. I'm not an avid concert goer but there are a select few that I choose not to miss. Why on earth they all happen within a few months of each other is anyone's guess?? (The topper would be seeing Duran Duran in July but I'm not planning on flying to England for the Princess Diana concert.... ) My purse is getting beat up but my eyes and ears are anticipating some greatness this summer!

Harry Connick, Jr: May 12
Seal: May 30
The Police: June 26

April 10, 2007

I've been telling people that I'm single now. That's as official as it gets at this point.

No, my husband and I are not divorced yet but no, we are not reconciling either. We simply haven't filled out paperwork due to finances and all. But, I felt it was time to say to the world that yes, I am single and "dating".

Its just another step and part of the process.... JT (Duran Duran bassist) says to "Trust the Process". And so, I am...

October 11, 2006

September 19 was my oldest daughter's 5th birthday. It was also a day that I'd just had enough of everything. I was angry at life.

A tiny voice inside my head just kept telling me to 'be grateful'. I was too angry to be grateful but the universe or God is pretty persistent. That is the day I finally watched The Secret.

This movie truly changed my view of life. Its amazing and for any of you that have seen the What the Bleep series or believe in Quantum Physics.... it'll speak right to you! For those of you who haven't... perhaps you may or may not be ready for such a message. But for me, it was perfect.

Now my tattoo speaks volumes! I get it! I'm positive and happy and grateful to be where I am because I know that the present is only where I used to be and not where I'm going! Yippee!

August 9, 2006

Just noticing the music that I'm into right now. Wow... its pretty clear of my choice of songs what I'm going through. Look forward to the day that I 'm listening to more upbeat songs...

I'm embracing this and learning more about life. I know I (and my daughters) will come out stronger on the other side.

July 17, 2006

So, this is my first blog like EVER. I come from the computer industry as my past career so you wouldn't think that but its true. I'm actually enjoying blogging as fun instead of computer stuff that I HAVE to do....

I'm feeling melancholy because of the ambiguity in my own life and today I found out that two of my friends have lost someone close to them. One friend's mother passed yesterday and another friend's husband passed two weeks ago.

I've read enough to know that things happen for a reason. Again, I pretty much try to stay positive in these situations but I have cried today for both of my dear friends and their pain. I woke anxious this morning and I couldn't tell why. We are all connected and perhaps, on some level, I knew I would feel their pain today.

So, I'm just trying to live in the moment because it really is all we have. God knows that my only goal sometimes is just to get through the day...

Old Blogs

I wanted to post some blogs from another site I have, just for reference. I'll title them with the dates.

I began blogging on occasion in the fall of last year as I had been separated from my husband for about 6 months at that time. I began focusing more on my 'spirituality' during the last year of fighting and feeling completely isolated from my husband of 13 years. It was all I could do to remain alive and well for my daughters. I also have a very detailed and angry journal but I will spare you the details of that.

I am including these older blogs just a reference to how far I've come on my adventure.

First Post!!

Well, hello and welcome to my quest. I like the word 'quest' for many reasons. Mostly defined as a 'pursuit' or 'search' , I also prefer to think of it as a 'desire for an adventure'. I have been on this quest for almost 38 years now and quite honestly, I don't see it ending any time soon.

Who am I? I'm a working, single mom of two little girls, ages 6 and 2. I am friends with my soon-to-be-ex and currently falling for an Army soldier stationed in Iraq.

I read ALL THE TIME and I especially enjoy books on spirituality. I am a big believer in God and positive thoughts and karma and all that stuff.

I am in constant school with the 'lessons' in my life and have always enjoyed writing about them. I find that if I can get it down on paper, then its out of my head and I can sleep better.

I'm hoping to sleep lots better now.

Enjoy!