One of my best friends had warned me over a year ago that although I felt as if I had moved on, I would go through yet another emotional meltdown when I filed for divorce.
Well, I wasn't imagining that I would be going through quite so much at the same time!!!
- Selling my current home - which entails packing up memories and dividing items between the ex and me.
- Buying a new home - eek! On my own, this seems frightening. My salary, my responsibility, all of the tasks that I must undertake on my own!!! On the other hand, wow. My house, my stuff, my own space!!
- Filing for divorce - all of the things to think about: taxes, child support, getting my own insurance, all the paperwork and legal stuff! Ugh!
Let's not forget to mention all of the responsibilities I already have:
- Being a single mom - feeding, caring, clothing, playing, driving, doctoring, nurturing, teaching and trying to be a good mommy and daddy to not 1 but 2 little girls!
- Working full time - which means I should be focused on this job - not blogging! - so that I can continue to be the breadwinner.
- Oh and let's not forget the pressure I put on myself to be strong and dependable to my soldier, my family and my friends
Don't I fit in there somewhere too?
- Oh yeah, that's right! I'm also training for my 150 mile bike ride in May
- Trying to find balance with my yoga (whew! Thank God for yoga!) and my ACIM study groups.
- Trying to plan and save cash for our big family vacation in June to Mexico
- Taking the time to blog. It is such a wonderful catharsis to me.
Oh.My.Goodness. (I know, all of you that have already done it are saying "Suck it up T!!!")
So, as you can imagine, with one chapter closing behind me, I am questioning what all I am going to allow in the new chapter that is still as yet unwritten.
The big thing with me lately is how much I am letting my feelings for my soldier affect me. It was different when I was living in limbo. At that time, I felt my only choice was to live day-by-day. I was enjoying not knowing what was going to happen to us - well, not so much enjoying it but I wasn't questioning it all the time.
Now I'm realizing that with the disintegration of a marriage, I am terribly frightened about getting into another relationship, trusting someone with my heart and thinking of a future that is uncertain. I never expected to feel these feelings! My soldier had mentioned it to me as well last fall. He told me that I had quite a bit I needed to go through before getting serious with someone. That is part of the reason he was so worried at how fast we fell for each other.
See how things happen as they should?
The past few times he and I have talked, I'm questioning some of the things he's saying, making assumptions and taking things the wrong way. I'm feeling ultra-sensitive and questioning his intentions. I'm wanting something concrete to stand on. I don't know why I'm doing this. Ok, yes I do, its fear. Neither of us knows what will happen. I - have - got - to - let - that - go!!
And I need to detach in some way. I do care for him very much. I still want to be here for him. I feel like I need to pull back a little, just to see where this new chapter is going. I have to make plans based on life as a single mom with two little girls and not depend on a future with someone who is 6000 miles away for the next year.
I'm sure he understands. Like I said before, I'm just riding this wave in pure faith. God help me to keep my chin up in the meantime! Whew!