Saturday, February 16, 2008

Not so positive thinking

I hate to admit this because I try my best to be a positive thinker but sometimes I get downright angry.

Who me?

Yes, its true!

I hate this f&%#ing deployment!

There are so many times that I feel like I can't do this anymore. I'm tired and I've still got a year to go.

Every soldier deals with deployment differently. Just as every human deals with every difficult situation differently. I get that. I understand.

My soldier has been absolutely the sweetest guy ever since he's been gone.

But I miss the guy that was here. The guy who told me he wanted to take care of me and my girls. The guy who would melt at my touch. The guy who looked into my eyes and told me how proud he was of the woman I'd become, what a wonderful mother I was and how I was amazing to him. That strong man that would take me in his powerful arms and hold me as long as I wanted him to. Sometimes even longer!

He told me that he wouldn't "be very good emotional support" while he was gone. He seemed very sad when he said it, like he too would mourn the man he'd have to leave behind. I didn't care at the time. It felt so good to be with him. He would be worth the wait.

However, he is different over there. He's still loving and supportive but it is not the same.

He tells me to lean on my girlfriends when I feel this way. He can't always call. He can't be here to hold me. He feels bad for all that I have going on at the moment and that he can't be here to help me. He has a job to do, a mission to accomplish and a focus that he has to maintain. I can respect that. Who knows the amount of heaviness he has to carry while in Iraq? Yet he is positive, loving and happy while on the phone with me. How helpless he would feel if I shared these thoughts with him. My half of this mission is to be strong, light and happy when talking to him. That is what he needs. But sometimes, I am really, really down and just want to give up.

This is such a giant emotional investment to me. I am living on faith that things will work out as I'd like them to. Just the sheer fact that I referred to my feelings as an "investment" says that I expect something in return. I do expect something and I get angry that its not happening right now. At the same time, I feel so selfish to be saying that.

Then... I can turn it around and find that he's teaching me a very powerful spiritual lesson. I get sad when I'm longing for the past that we had. I feel frustrated and want to give up when I realize that the future is uncertain. We've made no promises to each other. Neither of us knows what will happen in the next year.

As a soldier, he deals with his situation by living in the present moment. Living in the NOW. If he were to think of the past or future, he would feel the same frustration and pain and longing that I do. Why feel pain when you can't change anything? Why get frustrated when it would only hinder what you have to do at this moment in time?

Here I am talking all spiritual and stuff (because he gets baffled when I talk about A Course in Miracles) and he is actually living the lesson that I still have to apply!

So yes, I miss his beautiful eyes. I miss the warmth of his hug. I miss his skin. I miss being silly with him. I miss his wonderful body. I miss his referring to me by my maiden name - because that's who I'll always be to him. I miss seeing him read bedtime stories to my girls. I miss him spinning them round and round in the living room with them begging, "Do it again!!" I miss his taking my hand and slow dancing with me in the middle of nowhere to the music in his head. I miss his hands on my face. I miss his fingers through my hair. I miss how his lips look when he talks - I can't even let him finish a sentence without kissing him because his lips are so luscious. I miss how he looked at me.

I want to know what is going to happen. I want to have him back here. I want to see how we'll be together without the looming darkness of a parent's death or impending deployment. I want to continue to get to know him better. I want to have an answer to my children's question of when is he coming back over. I want to spend more time with him, in his actual presence. I want to continue this wonderful feeling of being together after 22 years! I want to know that he is healthy and whole and done with war!

There, that's the past and the future. Neither of which I have any control over.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Please... grant me the Serenity NOW!

1 comment:

  1. This would be a perfect situation to apply the lesson "I am never upset for the reason I think" and "I am upset because I see something that is not there." Lesson 5 & 6

    you look beautiful.


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