I've been feeling very restless and melancholy for the past few days. I have the house to myself this weekend, which tends to sway from really nice and quiet to almost lonely. I have plenty to do...lots of chores and laundry to catch up on. Still, I feel such a heaviness that I can't seem to be rid of.
Last night as I lay in bed, I was humming to myself. Sometimes I imagine that my soldier is lying next to me. He used to joke that if he had a difficult time falling asleep that he would call me and ask me to sing him a lullaby. I was a vocalist and songwriter in a band previous to my older daughter's birth. She's a singer too - I would imagine from hearing it in utero. When we travel somewhere and I don't have access to a cd player, I sing my girls the lullabies they love to get them to sleep. He always loved that idea. So, last night, I imagined singing him to sleep. I hoped he could feel it from 6000 miles away.
This morning, I decided I felt like singing again. As I stood in front of my stereo and belted out one of my favorite uplifting songs, I realized:
Singing is my meditation.
I was nearly in tears as the wave of this song and its lyrics took me up and over the melancholy feelings. I could feel the connection between myself, my soldier, my old friend who's retired and lost, and my girlfriend whose marriage is disintegrating. I remembered the Course in Miracles Lesson from Friday - they will heal when I heal. I sent those healing feelings from my heart and out over miles and mountains and seas to my friends. I even felt the connection again with my father, who was dying when I first realized how this song would lift me up.
The song sings of the impermanence of things. I've heard that as the Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree awaiting enlightenment, he realized that everything that arose also subsided. A feeling of hunger would arise and then subside. A thunderstorm would arise and then subside. His very breath would arise and then subside. He then understood the impermanence of things and was able to begin to practice non-attachment.
This lyric says exactly the message I am sending to my friends:
All I wanna do is make you see the light
And take away that hopeless look that’s in your eyes - and see your spirit rise
I’d give you my heart if you lost the strength to face the world outside
I’d give you my eyes if I could make you see that we’re just ships that ride the tides.**
I certainly felt my spirit rise while singing this uplifting lyric.
This too shall pass. I remember now. I need not cling to this situation and my friends shouldn't either. Everything that we are going through now will bless us in some way and we'll be stronger in faith because of it. Let go and let God. Beautiful.
**I also blogged about this song back in November shortly after my soldier was deployed. For more information, visit Shane Alexander's website.