Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Standing on a precipice

***Note: I am editing this post. I am going to put in comments from my very good friend and fellow ACIM teacher in blue italics. I realize some of you may not understand his comments but this is very helpful for me. He always says the right things to help me along my quest. He also makes my heart skip a beat or two and has for nearly 20 years.***

I've been in sort of a weird place since completing my long bike ride. I'm realizing that the entire thing was a complete out of body experience. I've had many friends in my life tell me how I inspired them to push themselves a little further or get back into some fitness routine they've long since abandoned.

I'm realizing that I feel as if I'm standing on the edge of something amazing. If you'll recall from my last sexy post, I noticed that I was teeter-tottering between learning about myself sexually and learning about myself spiritually. For some reason, I'm now more aware of the fine line that I'm walking between the two.

I've been reading quite a bit recently about meditation. When I think about it, I can actually feel my spirit craving it. I'm even waking before my alarm! A perfect time to meditate!!

I know what it feels like when I've been meditating on a daily basis. I handle life so much better and I'm able to be more present in every situation. I tend to tell the A Course in Miracles (ACIM) students in my study group that meditation is different for everyone. I have a friend who loves to fish - that is his meditation. For others, it's being in a garden or running or cycling(!) or just sitting in quiet stillness on your couch. I love it, I need it, and I should be doing it more.

But then I'm distracted by the "seeming ego needs" of my body. I crave sex. (Yes, I said it.) It has been nearly 8 months since I've seen my soldier and dammit, I crave it. There's only so much fun you can have with Duracell, you know? I feel bad for him because I know that he has to deny his body so much while at war. I can only imagine the time we'll have in October when he's home on leave. Whew!

So, I find myself restless sometimes. I can't decide whether to meditate or masturbate.
T, get out of the way here. There is no difference. Sex is not a spiritual thing and it is not a non-spiritual thing. Do it or don't do it, but get on with it. You don't spend the same amount of energy trying to decide whether or not meditate or breathe, do you? You're way more addicted to air than you are sex. Remember, this isn't about behavior. This is about purpose. Breathing, not breathing, sex, not sex, eating, not eating - everything has the same purpose for the ego. And that purpose is to keep you distracted by a seeming problem and a seeming solution. Recognize it, giggle a bit, and choose a new teacher.

In the bigger picture, I also see that I am afraid of becoming more spiritual.
You're afraid of the sacrifice that you think this entails. Two different things. Becoming more spiritual means that we recognize the insanity of sacrifice in any form.

I wonder if I'll lose contact with the "reality" of this plane.
I know, it probably sounds funny but I remember that my quest for more spiritual understanding was one of the reasons my husband turned away from me. He said, "You're too good, too perfect, too spiritual!" My guess is that it made him feel bad instead of good. He said I judged him. I didn't think I did but perhaps...
T, you'll only lose contact with your current purpose for this plane. Instead of reinforcing the differences, the fears, the pain, you'll reinforce (read: teach) that we're all the same and that our dreams of attack have had no effect. You will be the reminder to everyone that peace of mind is a real alternative.

What if I lose the need for sex?
Ha! That sounds even funnier to me. I have the sex drive of a 13 year old boy!
You'll only lose the ego's need for sex. Remember, your special relationships will not be taken from you but transformed. Sex will have a new purpose.

What if I actually find myself so happy that I don't need to have someone in my life?
I was always a pleaser. I usually felt I had to "do" something in order to have a relationship and make it work. When I focus on my spirituality, I don't "do". I simply am. Will that be acceptable to my soldier or some other future love partner? Will my partner feel that he is being judged too?
We're promised that if we'll get ourselves out of the way, that Love will flow through us and we'll say or do whatever is the appropriate symbol of love in any given circumstance or relationship. You can't stop "doing". Not doing is doing. You just reverse the order. Instead of doing to solve the problem where it isn't. You solve the problem where it is and do. Mostly, stop worrying. That's merely reinforcing your fear.

Does there have to be a split between spirituality and sex?
Heavens to Betsy....see previous answers.

Can't we just see the love partner in our lives as a symbol of the endless source of love that is God?
Of "Course"! But the question isn't "can"...it is a question of will.

My ACIM teacher says that this time of struggle usually means that I know too much to go back (to what I used to be) but I'm too frightened to go forward. Yep, that about sums it up.
We talked about this last night! Big shocker! Go read the first characteristic of a teacher of God (in ACIM). You're a teacher, T. Teachers trust.

As you can tell, my thoughts are spinning round and round. I'm going somewhere. I just don't know where I'll end up. This quest gets more and more interesting with every turn...
The means and the end are the same. When you're still (re-read the "What is Forgiveness?" question in the lessons) and listen, the Peace of God that you hear now is the "where" you'll end up.

I like how Rumi sees it:
Your love lifts my soul from the body to the sky
And you lift me up out of the two worlds.
I want your sun to reach my raindrops,
So your heat can raise my soul upward like a cloud.
Instead of "falling in love", you should be "rising up in love", clearing the blocks to the awareness of love's presence in you. It was in you all along.


  1. Doing spiritual self work is hard. At least I find it hard, but it can be very rewarding.

    Best Wishes.

  2. T, I don't think being a sensual (and sexual) human being and being spiritual have to be mutually exclusive...do they? I agree with your friend/mentor that often we overthink things too much and should just do it -- whether it be meditate or get new batteries. I may be off on this, but I think these qualities can coexist and that each of them can not only work in concert with each other, but separately at the times we need them the most.

    Not sure if that makes sense...


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