They both laughed, said "No!" and continued pestering him.
I walked in and told him, "You know, sometimes they will actually come tell me that they will clean up their rooms. They'll make the playroom immaculate and make the beds in the bedroom and everything! Its pretty amazing!"
He looked at me in disbelief and said, "How come you guys never do that for me?"
Rose never even looked up from her Nintendo DS, "Because we're better with Mommy than we are with you."
Heh. What can I say to that?
I've actually made wonderful strides in lightening up around the kids. After posting about how much fun they have with their dad, a few comments had me realizing that I do tend to take this single parenting thing a bit too seriously.
I mean sure, I have always been hard on myself about any job that I take. I tend to be a perfectionist. Then I became a single mom and I had to let some things go just for the sake of sanity.
Still, I think part of it has been my inability to enjoy this. I certainly can't imagine not having those two baby girls in my life but I never thought I'd be a single parent. This job is really freakin' tough sometimes!
I went through so many phases:
- wanting to focus on them after focusing on my declining relationship with their dad for so long.
- resenting the fact that their dad could leave and immediately be a single person with little responsibility.
- resenting the fact that I was completely outnumbered and couldn't possibly be in two places at the same time.
- resenting the fact that I couldn't get a divorce until the ex and I settled our financial responsibilties. This also lead to a very emotional (but thankfully temporary) parting of ways with my soldier.
- resenting the fact that I was finally falling in love with someone after so long but would have to wait for a normal relationship until after a 15 month deployment.
Resentment. The death of all of us as single parents.
I need to remember what I tell my children when they say, "Life is not fair!"
I need to be a Tigger.
I've done well at releasing resentment. Especially since the divorce went smoothly and I am officially on my own now. I'm enjoying this. I also decided along the way not to fight this deployment. Fighting it gives it the power. (I was going to link to that last statement but there are so many posts where I'm realizing this.)
Fighting anything gives it power. Resistance of the current "as is" is what causes pain.
I am letting it go. No more resistance. My girls are going to have me. Now.
Now we're giggling together and smiling more. We are a happy family.
Thank you all for helping me to realize that this moment, with them, without resistance and without resentment, is the most precious moment of all.
An added bonus: The kids seem to mind me even better now! Who knew?