As a former IT engineer and currently employed with an IT consulting company, I feel comfortable with the term "Disaster Recovery" or DR as its known in the biz. In my previous life, I helped many companies with their DR plans by setting up fail over systems. What this basically means is that two computer systems would share the same data so that should one become unavailable, computer #2 would "fail over" or take over operations until computer #1 could come back on line.
I know... what am I talking about, right?
Well, today I realized that during my soldier's deployment, I have been subconsciously working out my own disaster recovery plan.
I only realized it tonight after Rose's birthday party. I hate to even admit this but again, this is where I admit things and this is where my support team kicks in to help me. (Thanks for that by the way.)
There's this guy... he's the father of one of Rose's newest best friends from school. I've met him before at an end of the school year party. He's really good looking and in great shape. He's got a great smile and he's funny and sweet. And yes, he's a single dad.
Today we were able to talk more and we get along quite well. On the way home from the party and after he'd helped me to load everything in my car, I thought to myself, "Hey, maybe if things don't work out with my soldier then...."
Now, why would I say that?
When we were physically together, I had no question that I was falling in love with my soldier. We were amazingly falling together and it was breathtaking how perfect it was. And then, things changed. He had to toughen up and become a soldier. He went off to war.
I want things to be as perfect as they were before. I want us to be together. I know that he wants the same things. At least I'm fairly certain...
But what if it doesn't work out? What if we're just made to be good friends? What if he decides to take a move somewhere else and I can't because of my children's father? What if he doesn't want to have a long distance relationship? What if? What if? WHAT IF???
I hate doing this to myself. I wonder if I would've felt this way had he not broken it off before he left or if he expressed his feelings better while he's been deployed. I can't change those things and so, doubt begins to creep in. When the doubt begins to creep in, I start to look for the fail over backup just in case system #1 becomes unavailable. And this isn't the first time I've eyed a good fail over system.
Its not like I don't know what its like to be alone or on my own. I've been doing this for 2 1/2 years already. Maybe I'm growing tired of being alone.
The most ironic part of this is that usually when I'm feeling the most doubt, he will do or say something that has me all starry-eyed and blissfully in love again.
I am terrified of his upcoming leave. Can I admit that? Absolutely freakin' scared out of my mind. I want it to be perfect for him. I have all sorts of wonderful plans and things I want to do to make it the most special weekend for him. But what if its not? What if he is not the same guy who would stare into my eyes and sigh with love? What if...?
I'm what if-ing myself to death over here. But at least I have a plan in case of disaster.
Maybe I should sit and meditate for a while. Or maybe its time for more vodka and a good cry.
I'm usually much better at this staying positive thing....