Saturday, September 20, 2008

Disaster Recovery

As a former IT engineer and currently employed with an IT consulting company, I feel comfortable with the term "Disaster Recovery" or DR as its known in the biz. In my previous life, I helped many companies with their DR plans by setting up fail over systems. What this basically means is that two computer systems would share the same data so that should one become unavailable, computer #2 would "fail over" or take over operations until computer #1 could come back on line.

I know... what am I talking about, right?

Well, today I realized that during my soldier's deployment, I have been subconsciously working out my own disaster recovery plan.

I only realized it tonight after Rose's birthday party. I hate to even admit this but again, this is where I admit things and this is where my support team kicks in to help me. (Thanks for that by the way.)

There's this guy... he's the father of one of Rose's newest best friends from school. I've met him before at an end of the school year party. He's really good looking and in great shape. He's got a great smile and he's funny and sweet. And yes, he's a single dad.

Today we were able to talk more and we get along quite well. On the way home from the party and after he'd helped me to load everything in my car, I thought to myself, "Hey, maybe if things don't work out with my soldier then...."

Now, why would I say that?

When we were physically together, I had no question that I was falling in love with my soldier. We were amazingly falling together and it was breathtaking how perfect it was. And then, things changed. He had to toughen up and become a soldier. He went off to war.

I want things to be as perfect as they were before. I want us to be together. I know that he wants the same things. At least I'm fairly certain...

But what if it doesn't work out? What if we're just made to be good friends? What if he decides to take a move somewhere else and I can't because of my children's father? What if he doesn't want to have a long distance relationship? What if? What if? WHAT IF???

I hate doing this to myself. I wonder if I would've felt this way had he not broken it off before he left or if he expressed his feelings better while he's been deployed. I can't change those things and so, doubt begins to creep in. When the doubt begins to creep in, I start to look for the fail over backup just in case system #1 becomes unavailable. And this isn't the first time I've eyed a good fail over system.

Its not like I don't know what its like to be alone or on my own. I've been doing this for 2 1/2 years already. Maybe I'm growing tired of being alone.

The most ironic part of this is that usually when I'm feeling the most doubt, he will do or say something that has me all starry-eyed and blissfully in love again.

I am terrified of his upcoming leave. Can I admit that? Absolutely freakin' scared out of my mind. I want it to be perfect for him. I have all sorts of wonderful plans and things I want to do to make it the most special weekend for him. But what if its not? What if he is not the same guy who would stare into my eyes and sigh with love? What if...?

I'm what if-ing myself to death over here. But at least I have a plan in case of disaster.

*sigh*

Maybe I should sit and meditate for a while. Or maybe its time for more vodka and a good cry.

I'm usually much better at this staying positive thing....

10 comments:

  1. Hang in there! I know it's really hard and as we've talked about before, this "what if" game is not something new for me, as I constantly am doing that as well. But along with all of the negative "what if's", I think you also have to realize the positive ones. What if... his upcoming leave is absolutely perfect and everything you imagined? What if... it goes even better than you are envisioning? I think for every negative what if that creeps in, there is an equally as valid positive one. I think that's how life goes though. We can never be guaranteed of our future, we can only try to stay positive, live each day as best we can, and soon the future becomes today and all of those what if's were just a waste of brain space.

    Stay positive and that good energy will translate into how the future unfolds itself for you!

    =)

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  2. Being afraid is SO normal, what if things have changed while he was gone? I get that thought. But hearing you write about him, I doubt it!

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  3. T, we all do that. My plan, well it included burying my husband, not quite the same Plan B, but none the less it was plan B.

    But it is no different then what you are doing in the "what if" game. Even with the worry I went through a year ago as I prepared for him to come home on R&R, I worried that I'd face a man I didn't know, just as I had each time he came home.....which even now that he's been home almost 6 months....I still wonder, "do I really know him at all".

    No one truly knows what all the tomorrows in life hold for us...we can only wake up each day and live it to the fullest....trying not to worry about the tomorrows that may never come.

    I think that your fear of what you don't know is holding part of you hostage....and that because you are spending so much time alone, waiting, wondering, not knowing what is on his mind.....and there are so many other men that show the attention you need from your soldier....right now, that you wonder, will he, upon his return, be that man in your life.....and not having that answer, is hard....

    It isn't that much longer...and I do think that you know in your heart the answer you are searching for....but your mind....it is getting the better of you.....too much time to think.....

    I'm here if you need me.....

    hugs..

    luv ya

    ~asw

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  4. T, after reading the brilliant comments above, I'm not sure I have much to add -- Tiffany, Insane Mama and A Soldier's Wife have hit it on the head.

    We all have doubts. We all wonder "what if" about any number of things. But try to just focus on the present (use those Buddhalicious skills I know you have!). Your soldier will be with you, in your arms, in a few short weeks. My bet is that that is all he will need for your time together to be "perfect."

    As for fail over options...we all have crushes and curiosity -- I certainly have -- but those feelings tend to surface when we are feeling alone, abandoned, needing to be wanted/attractive/whatever. Often the reality of a crush or "Plan B" is much different and less appealing than what we imagined, so try not to worry about fail overs. There's no reason to.

    (Oh, and if none of this makes sense, just read the commenters above again. It's 1:30 a.m. and who knows what I'm typing?! G'night)

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  5. Oh T!! Like the others have said I do think its normal to feel the things you are feeling! Totally normal!

    Any r/ship has what ifs - even when he isnt half way around the world!

    Pretty soon he will be here alot of the what ifs will get answered!

    ((hugs)) maybe meditate, then have a vodka and a cry ;o)

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  6. Agreed to all of the above.

    The "fear factor" IS unavoidable. I know that so well-like so much anticipation and preparation and waiting and etc. has gone into the reunion, you don't want to let yourself or anyone else down; you're afraid that it's not going to be as sweet as you had for so long imagined. I'm so sorry that you feel like this but I think that is completely normal.

    Don't let your fear stand in your way.

    I always have my contingency plan...and back ups to that. If I feel I don't, I feel so lost. I have always known my next step in almost everything I do in Life. Now, my future feels much like an abyss. I have it so hot for one. But us being together? I don't know if that will ever, ever happen. Does that stop me from looking? No, and I've been encouraged to look, even if that leads me away from the great love of my life.

    (sigh) I am soooo with you, sister. Although I'm more of a tequila girl myself...!

    Be well, T.

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  7. TOTALLY normal. Everyone else already said everything, so I second all of it! :)

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  8. Yep. We all do it.

    I would go through phases where I would worry if adam and I were slid enough. When he comes home we will be glad, because you will see how insanely solid you are and wonder how you could have questioned it.

    :)
    We all have a disaster plan. It's how we cope. We just can't let it run our lives.

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  9. Stay strong T. That what if game will drive you crazy if you let it! Just remember what you have, who you are, and keep your feet firmly planted on the ground. No one knows what tomorrow will bring - so focus on living as much in the day as possible.

    I work high level Federal response, and yet, I don't have plans. Oh, they are vague, but I don't create options for what if situations because... well, I really don't know what the situation will look like when it arrives! What if takes a lot of energy that is best placed living in the moment.

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  10. The cat just ran across my keyboard and erased my comment...

    I was simply saying: thank you. You always keep it real.

    As the others have said here, what you're feeling is so normal. I hope you know that.

    I'm always making back-up plans, too...

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