Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Do you really have a choice?

In my blog reading today, I ran across many posts of people concerned about the person they were falling for or had fallen for, why people come into our lives, etc.

Then tonight, on the drive home from the grocery store with the kids, we listened to Disney princess music and I heard a song from the movie Pocahontas.

I began thinking about it. As I stated many times, I didn't plan on falling for a soldier. I had no idea this was "just around the riverbend". I wonder....

Do we really have a choice who we fall in love with?

I mean think about it - history, fiction and pop culture are all filled with stories of people who shouldn't have fallen in love but they did. From Pocahontas and John Smith to Romeo and Juliet to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. Love, quite frankly, is like some mixed up potion that gets under your skin and sucks out all of your brain cells til all that's left are sighs and synchronized heart beats and twinkling eyes.

It doesn't make much sense, really, and I wonder if we can control it in some way. In thinking about the times I fell in love during my adult life, it seemed as if someone else was in charge. But then I wonder if we were just two people who needed each other at the time. Perhaps our "pain-bodies" were attracted as Eckhart Tolle would say. Or maybe we had life lessons we had to glean from each other. Maybe we were together to learn how to forgive. I do believe that we best learn who we are in relation to another person. Even if that person is 6000 miles away and your only communication is daily emails and weekly phone calls.

I can look back on the men I fell in love with and I can't explain why. Of course, now I can see that certain situations were doomed or that it was obvious what issues would arise later. But in that moment, when I had the butterflies in my stomach and we stared into each others' eyes, it didn't matter. Something greater than us was happening and we were just along for the ride.

Whew. I'd better hang on tight for this one. It looks like a doozy!

**Photo of Fernanda Oliveira and Yosvani Ramos (performing Romeo and Juliet) of the English National Ballet. Photographer: Sasha Gusov**


  1. Argh WP keeps kicking me out today!!

    No I dont think we have a choice T!

    I think back on the men I have loved and ask why too!

    I think its the way its supposed to be - its part of the beauty of being in love?


  2. I look at life as "every step has led me straight to you...." mentality....I have made so many mistakes in my life....hurt others because of my very straight forward way...but you know...I am who I am and everything I have done in my life has been leading me to where I am today....including love....

    I could not see changing one life altering mistake I've ever made....including love....because to do so would be to change the man I love now....and I never had a chance there.....

    I believe in soulmates...but I also think that God has a soulmate chosen for everyone, sometimes your soulmate will recognize you and sometimes they are stupid....but I don't think God punishes you for it....he then finds another one for you because he knows you deserve the happiness you should have had....all along. I know it sounds simple....but I think that is how heartache plays in....

    eh, what the hell do I know, right... :D

  3. Interesting thoughts. It is early and this isn't well thought out - but I think that I believe that it is the path we travel and the lessons to be learned. I do believe that there are "right" people for us, but sometimes I wonder if there are various right people? Or maybe that they are close to right and workable?

    My thought this morning is that the "right" person comes into our lives when they have the "right" thing to offer at the time. Some relationships last forever as the two journey together, learn together and apart, etc... while other relationships can be equally, if not more, powerful and yet last for a much shorter period of time.

    I don't believe in chance really - as state above, every step leads us to a place, a person, etc... and the enrichment comes from that relationship.

    But then I am still single, so... ;)

  4. I'm not sure we can help who we fall for. We can certainly influence who we meet and who we don't but how we're going to feel about any of those is a mystery.

    My friends often ask, and speculate, as to who they think might suit me. But I don't have a list of specifics, I have more a list of definite no-nos, or what would put me off.

    Though I suspect if Britney Spears turned up then any list I've ever made would go out of the window.

  5. In the brillance of 20/20 hindsight, I can see how everything, including loves, has happened for the cliché-ish 'reason'. It is almost as if a puzzle is being put together, piece by piece--even those that no longer fit together (my husband and I) are part of a larger puzzle in which our separation is a part of the final picture of who I am and what I am to be.

    No, I can't say that we have a choice. We can fight it--and I have fought and fought against love that I didn't believe appropriate--but it never leaves. Much like you and your soldier, when it's right, it's right and you will make it work.

    Wow--that's pretty idealistic coming from a rather pessimistic pms-y self.

    Have a good day, T. Be well.

  6. I like the Eckhart Tolle "pain body" explanation. It's similar to Gary Zuckov's ideas that we are subconsciously, even spiritually drawn to the person who can help us grow and evolve. Usually this from them pushing our buttons, but emotions cloud our thinking early on - I mean, would we really choose to be with someone if we know it will end in pain? Falling in love is a good thing, even if it leads to marriage and divorce.

    We can't help who we fall for. We can't think it out ahead of time. That's why online dating doesn't work.

  7. What an interesting post!
    I don't know if we have a choice. Shawn isn't the perfect man I had imagined, but I'm so glad he's in my life. I NEVER thought that I would be dating someone in the military, but I wouldn't trade what I have. Maybe we don't have a choice. In so many ways it seems that Shawn and I were supposed to meet.

  8. I honestly don't think we have much control. I can guarantee you that the one man I've loved the most in my life I would never have loved if I could have prevented it. From the beginning he was unavailable to me, but my brain could not convince my heart, and all this has caused is one complication - to love a man you can never have. I'm an educated, intelligent woman, but somehow when it comes to love, that doesn't matter anymore.


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