I'm feeling lately as if some of my closest and oldest relationships are a little one-sided. I'm not sure if its due to the exhaustion of being a single mom of two, the exhaustion of supporting a soldier overseas or a combination of both. Those relationships alone are understandably one-sided and drain me nonetheless. I feel as if I am always taking care of someone else.
It seems that many of my relationships are that way. Have I simply always been the nurturing listener who rarely needs anything from anyone else? Is that the "secret unwritten contract" I have in my oldest relationships? Now I am growing tired of it and wanting to pull away from these people who seemingly suck the life energy from me. I've noticed that even people that I've always been attracted to are now starting to turn me off. Are they pulling away or am I? Have they completed the roles they were meant to play in my life and now its time to move forward?
I wonder if I am in a transitional phase in my life. Perhaps I do need someone to help me after all.
I was one of those people who refused to ask for help and yes, I still tend to hide away when I am at my lowest points. But I still have low points!
I almost feel more support from my blogging friends than the people who are physically in my life! Even my soldier, in the middle of war(!), is surprisingly more supportive than some of the friends in my life. I'm also enjoying support from others in my life that I least expected, including new friends.
They love me, I do know this. And I love them as well. I also recall a feeling of restlessness when I was first falling in love with the ex. I guess it is to be expected that when you welcome something new in your life, other things may fall away.
So, since I won't speak up (and they don't expect me to), I thought I'd blog the things I would like to say to my friends. Maybe someday, I will. At this point, I feel as if I'm being overdramatic in the buzz of the vodka and I don't wish to deal with the fall out of emotions from either of us.
Ok. Here goes:
Please do not disregard me if I am in pain. I realize it is a helpless feeling to hear me say that I miss my soldier or that my children sometimes make me a little insane and I judge myself as too harsh of a mother. I understand that you don't understand. Can you be there for me anyway?
I realize that you want more from me physically but I have, quite simply, given my heart to someone else. I know that he seems like a fantasy in my head and someone who isn't here for me like you are. He is who I long for. He is who I am waiting for. Please respect that and my wishes to be here for him.
I realize that my future with my soldier is still to be determined. Please allow me this anyway. Let me see for myself what is going to happen. And let me feel what I need to feel without patronizing me.
Please listen to me if I want to cry. I listen to you. I have been here for you through your ups and downs. Its me you call to brag to or cry to. I am your biggest fan and shoulder to cry on. Why do I not feel the same support from you?
Please save all of the pathetic looks and mocking sad faces when I tell you how difficult this deployment is on me and my soldier. I am sorry that you don't understand. If I want to vent about it or tell you what sweet thing he said to me, please don't smile one of those "that's nice" kind of smiles and change the subject. Let me talk about something that looms LARGE in my heart. I want to share it with you because I thought you were my friend.
I am sorry that I have run out of patience with you as of late. I am tired of hearing you say how much you dislike your life. I do realize that the grass always appears greener elsewhere. I do wish to thank you for helping me to be more grateful for all that I see in my own life. I apologize for my selfishness. I know that it seems unlike me.
Yes, I will "get over" whatever I am feeling right now. Yes, I will move back into the Zen state (or mask) that you expect from me. Please allow me to feel however I feel at this moment.
I can't help that I am not the same person that you once knew. I have been through quite a bit in the past few years and I am still learning more about who I am. My mind is not even the same with the low level of irritation that this deployment causes. Please understand that my mind is always wondering about my soldier. Yes, he means THAT much to me. Do you hear me? THAT MUCH.
Forgive me for not being a positive person all the time. I need to forgive myself for the same reason. I am learning to accept myself in the state that I am in at the time. I am simply calling for love. We all do it but for some reason, you don't expect it of me.
- Ask how I'm doing.
- Ask how my soldier is doing.
- Ask me if I need any help. Ask how you can help me.
- Ask me how much longer before I will be in my soldier's arms again.
- Let me, if I need to, gush about how much love I feel in my life. Be genuinely happy for me.
- Know that I am not Wonder Woman, though I aspire to be. I still get weak, need to cry and could use some help every now and then.
- Love me anyway.
Be my friend. Really.