Monday, September 29, 2008

Shadowboxing

Imagine this.... you reach inside your body and willingly hand your still beating heart to someone.... and then you don't see them for an entire year.

Sounds pretty gruesome, doesn't it?

That's how I've been feeling for the past week or so but its been especially worse these past few days.

Tuesday marks an entire year since I've seen my soldier. I looked at the calendar earlier this year and wrote down the dates of our re-establishing contact. I also wrote down the anniversary of our first date. I didn't see this one coming. Not until I wrote about that day earlier this month.

I could barely speak his name without my eyes brimming with tears. I would imagine the warmth of being in his arms again. I imagined it like the hug we shared the evening of our first date. I could even hear his voice in my ear saying, "Hi baby!"

Its amazing when you wallow in a place other than the present moment. My body became more and more drained and dispirited. I was fighting life, struggling with nothing but the shadows that I created instead of focusing on the light that was still there.

I knew I was stuck and I kept asking God to help me through it. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to eat. I barely wanted to get out of bed. I, quite simply, wasn't myself. Or my Self, as it turned out.

All of that wallowing and worry erupted today on the phone with my soldier. I was trying to hold it together as he patiently waited for an answer to his question,

"What's wrong baby?"

I felt bad after crying over seemingly nothing to him. Especially when his response to me was,

"I'm looking forward to seeing you and it makes me happy. Why does it make you sad?"

I think its because I am frightened that I will feel so very lonely when he leaves again.

That feeling of vulnerability was causing my fear. Then since I couldn't handle it any longer, I projected that fear right on to him.

We went on to discuss another sensitive topic: his meeting the ex. My soldier wants to see my kids but I have to hand them over to their dad as well. I'd like them to meet because they are both in my children's lives. We'd talked about it last week and he brought it up again today. He feels uncomfortable with the idea of an ex in the picture. He said he would only meet the ex because he understood that it was important to me. He seemed very irritable with the conversation after that.

So, you can imagine our phone call today. And this is most likely our last phone call until I see him in a couple of weeks. Ugh.

After we hung up, I was left feeling so heavy and lifeless. All evening I was praying,

"God.... I don't know what to do with this. Please take it from me. Apparently I have judged it wrong because I am not feeling peace. Please judge it for me. Help me to see it differently."

Finally, a light bulb went off and I felt it - my spirit began to rise.

He is just as frightened as I am.

He's scared too. He doesn't show it like I do. I cry over seemingly nothing. He acts defensive and irritable about one thing or another. I know this but in that moment, we both were taking it all so personally. I don't know why I couldn't let go of my fear until I saw it in him too. We do need each other after all, don't we?

I felt so much lighter with the realization. Suddenly, it wasn't "me" and "him" it was US again. Instantly, there was no separation between us. We were one. There was nothing to be afraid of. All that I felt was love.

My children must've thought me crazy when I burst into laughter in the kitchen. Surely Mommy has lost her mind. Maybe I have! Maybe that's exactly what I needed to do.

Both of us, we are out of our minds with worry and that makes us the same.

I wanted to sing! I felt all of the blocks of the past few days literally drop from me. I knew it was ok. I knew everything was fine. I felt his love. I know he felt my love. I let go of the past and the future and I was right there... in the perfection of NOW and it was blessedly inspirational. Purely and completely inspirational because I was in spirit! Isn't that the true meaning of 'inspired' anyway?!

Now I get it. I will see him soon and I will exhale. Until then I strive to remain filled with this beauty of God's love and the complete faith that no matter what happens, it will be perfect.

Thank you again God for lifting me up. I couldn't do this without You.

10 comments:

  1. hope he gets back safe and soon!!

    Good JuJu going out for a sweet reunion in short order.

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  2. You're so amazingly self-reflective, it's an inspiration. Thanks.

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  3. Blessings, T. I understand so well.

    Be well.

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  4. Your words are a great reflection of understanding.....of many things. I am glad you are approaching this wonderous time from this perspective...

    you are in my thoughts, as always.

    ~asw

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  5. Sending happy thoughts your way.... glad you got it somewhat worked out and you can be at peace...

    I don't know how you solider's ladies do it, I was a mess when my baby would get sent to Georgia for two weeks...

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  6. Oh, I wish God would send me insight like that. Excellent post. I'm glad you were able to find a way to reconcile your feelings with his. :)

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  7. Every time I read your blog, I think more and more what an amazing woman you are. Seriously.

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  8. I love the light bulb moments. It is like suddenly you realize that things are not exactly how they seem. This morning I read something about perception and basing perception in truth over illusion.

    I am so glad that you had that "moment" of clarity... and peace returns. That is something to bring laughter and smiles and even a bit of dancing...

    Hey, why not strike up the band and let's head into the Quarter for some jazz and fun.. ;)

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  9. This is great. Can't wait for you two to get back together! I love your line about fighting shadows. Reminds me of two things:

    a scene in Joseph Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" where two men are dragging their long shadows wearily up a hill, and not one blade of grass bent with the shadow's passing...

    a song by Tool where the singer talks about his shadow self, and "wallowing in my own confused insecure illusions"

    The light is out there out! Hooray that you found it again.

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  10. I'm praying for you and your situation. I know it must be tough being a single mom and have all these extra stressors on you. I pray you will forge thru!

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