For the past few days, I am frequently waking at 3 a.m. in a complete panic. I feel as if there are 500 extra lbs of weight on my chest. I feel as if the top few layers of skin have been torn from my body. My hands are shaky. My knees are weak. My stomach is nauseous. (I have lost 6 lbs since Friday.) I can't breathe. I feel lightheaded. My vision is cloudy. It's like I've woken from a nightmare and I cannot seem to shake its terrifying reality.
Witnesses, this is T in pain.
Still I am grateful for this pain. At least I can feel.... unlike Soldier. At least I'm ok with these feelings of pain, love or loss. I am thankful for this experience. I am grateful for the entire year's worth of it.
What I've learned:
- More than I ever wanted to know about the war in Iraq and military life.
- How to feel loved every day. I learned to see love all around me.
- How to talk dirty over the phone, over email and how to make some awesome sexy videos and photos.
- I began to search for the positive in every situation around me.
- I started to realize how much we, as Americans, take for granted in this country.
- I began to take an interest in politics. (That's a new one!)
- I feel sexier than I have in years.
- My self-confidence grew.
- That laser hair removal is a beautiful thing!
- I began to love my body and challenged my physical self to be stronger and more fit.
- I took up cycling and running.
- I began to trust that God has a plan for me. My faith and trust are the only guides that I can truly lean on.
- I was finally able to let go of some relationships that were causing much stress in my life.
- I finalized my divorce with complete confidence that I'd be ok.
- I've now done many sexual things that I'd never done before. Let's just say my horizons have been WAY expanded!
What I loved:
- Hearing his voice and big bold laugh as I told him all about the silliness in my life.
- His daily emails and sexy nicknames for me.
- The fact that one of his muscular thighs was the size of both of mine put together. And the feel of the weight of his thighs on mine.
- His beautiful blue eyes.
- His olive skinned hands and long fingers.
- His perfect luscious lips. I wanted to kiss him every time he spoke to me.
- His slow dances.
- The butterflies in my stomach.
- Having him to talk to... about him.
- Our great conversations filled with laughter and longing.
- Planning with him about how our relationship was going to be different and better than any past relationships either of us had been in.
- Looking forward to 2009 and him being back on American soil.
- Massaging his bald head.
- His amazing hugs that lasted forever.
- The feeling of complete comfort and trust in an old friend.
- The security of a future with a good man with great morals, financial sense and nurturing personality.
- His big heart and sensitivity.
- His advice on child-rearing that he picked up while watching Nanny 911 on Armed Forces Network.
- His calm and patient demeanor with me when I was feeling overly emotional. He could always soothe me.
Now when I think about the post from the day before he arrived, I wonder if maybe I did make him up. Maybe he was my imaginary friend. I only saw brief signs of that guy in my home over this past weekend.
Even now, when I think back on the weekend, it seems like a dream. On those mornings that I was blogging and he was still sleeping, I did feel alone in the house. He's been away from me for much longer than he's ever been with me.
Maybe I had projected what I wanted him to be and that's who I've been writing about this whole time. Maybe that's not who he was after all. Maybe he was, as my friends all acted like, just a figment of my imagination.
I hope he's ok.