Did any of you see this movie or read the book 9 1/2 Weeks?
If you recall the ending (actually the movie and the book each ended differently)... then you have some idea of how I'm feeling right now.
I thought I'd keep the blog fun by sharing an experience I had last weekend with Soldier. Maybe its too much for some readers but its me. And trust me, its a lot lighter than the real feelings I am facing right now.
I feel so completely messed up like Elizabeth felt in the movie/book. He crawled completely under my skin. He's still inside me and I can't shake him...
How do I feel normal again after the complete mind-fuck of being with such a powerful sexual personality??? I mean, I'M sexual but he brought out even more of that in me. I too feel that I don't truly know what his life was like. He didn't want to share any of the Army stuff with me...
I feel like a mistress.
I have had an affair with a married man. I've admitted it before. I remember the longing... the wanting to be together. The difference was that I was married too. I had no plans to leave my husband and he had no plans to leave his wife. We were VERY honest about expectations. It didn't make it hurt any less.
Soldier's wife is the Army.
Again, I had no expectations about him leaving his "wife". She has made him who he is today. But she has also made him into a very angry man. Or at least, that is how he reacts to her. He resents how much she pulls the very life from him. He resents how he has always longed for a true love, healing relationship but she won't let him go and... he doesn't seem to know how to leave. So he continually denies himself what he truly wants for fear that he doesn't deserve it. Besides, no woman has stayed as true and as long as the Army has.
As per the norm, I am suffering a post-heartbreak sinus infection and I've been in bed all day. My head hurts. I can't think straight. I am not me in this skin right now. I just ache and I feel like I want a good hard fuck. But not from anyone but him. I just want to cry and fuck.
Obviously, I can't make any decisions, be a good friend or especially be present with my children (thankfully their dad will have them tonight). My girls sense it. They always feel what I'm feeling. They've been overly emotional too lately. It feels like divorce all over again.
So, you guys decide....
Do you want to continue this AGONY with me or do you want me to continue the story about the fun, sexy time I had at a strip club last weekend?
I'm letting you drive.
Help me.
I recently found your blog and I LOVE IT!!! I am sorry that you are going through this painful time. Please please continue with the strip club story and continue to blog as I believe it will be therapeutic for you.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I also do the stress-induced illness. Actually feeling pretty shitty right now and planning to go home to bed. I, for one, want to hear the rest of the club story. ;)
ReplyDeleteT - It is your blog!! You post what you want and need to post!!! Do what feels best!
ReplyDeleteT, let it out. Don't let yourself suffer alone, much less in silence. You have words as a powerful tool--use them. Work the Soldier in to remind you of where you are now. Use the stripper to remind you of who you still are. And slowly, slowly, you will begin to heal.
ReplyDeleteMuch love, T. Be well.
T- You need to let out both feelings. You need to remember the good, and you need to heal from the bad. I love you!
ReplyDeleteI "second" moma llama's comment; let it out. (I know how it feels, by the way, to worry about overpowering the audience. But write because that is who you are and what you have to say and don't be afraid. I'm still learning this lesson myself.)
ReplyDeleteI think you should talk about both things. The good and the bad.
ReplyDeleteWoke up with a terrible sore throat this morning.... you know my story. Dang, our similarities continue to be so tangent. We are so sensitive. And the body says so much.
ReplyDelete