I am fucking pissed off.
I keep replaying the whole year. Things he said. Things I knew he meant. Then things I should've noticed or questioned. Sunday night I'd asked him, "Why, if my supporting you made you feel so guilty, why not tell me sooner?"
"Your positive attitude. You were always so upbeat on the phone. I need that so badly when I'm over there."
Is he going to miss me or what? I'll just keep sending positive energy. It'll get there somehow.
See how I am? I'm pissed that he's still in town and doesn't call me. I know... we need distance but it still hurts. But then again, I'm quietly praying that he can feel my love from here.
I sucked and deep-throated that man all weekend and yet I'm the one who feels like I've been sucked dry and swallowed whole. And I'm mad as hell about it.
Then I'm glad that I'm angry. This is good. I've moved past the denial stage in the stages of grief and now onto anger. I'm doing very well. I am not fighting this.
Some great quotes in a few emails I've received for the past few days from wonderful friends (forgive me for not crediting you. I am simply inspired by these words.):
"....in his deeper recesses, he yearns to allow himself the freedom to just 'feel what he feels.'"
"....men who love hard, who are sensitive, feel this more than those who are not like this....
"It sounds like he loves you. I mean really loves you....I can't imagine what life is like there, but I think it is very sad that he feels the need to remove love from his life in order to survive."
And this... there are no words for this beautiful eulogy of surrendering completely to love.
Thank you all for continuing to see him with love. Anger and blame is easy. Continuing to see the perceived 'victimizer' with love... that is a beautiful thing.
I've decided that his frustration was not because of me, but because he is not the man he wants to be.
My friend De sent me this song. I love love LOVE this song and lyrics. I feel nothing but warm arms around me when I hear it.
"Heal Over"
It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday
And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady
Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday
I'm glad to hear that you are recognizing how you are feeling and still allowing yourself to feel it. Kudos.
ReplyDeleteIt struck me when you said:
I keep replaying the whole year. Things he said. Things I knew he meant. Then things I should've noticed or questioned.
that my husband did this same thing to me shortly after we started dating. He had just reported to his first duty station and found out he would be deploying and broke things off. It was a shock because just the day before that he was saying beautiful things to me, things I knew he meant.
I think that in many cases the army prepares these guys for lost relationships and it's easier for them to break it off than be hurt themselves. They also are told over and over the importance of being focused on the mission, and that sometimes personal relationships and problems at home can affect that focus.
Obviously things worked out for us, and I hope that if it's still what you want, they do the same for you.
No one said life, love, was going to be easy.
ReplyDeleteBut, my God, we're alive!
Be well, and feel. Everything.
hugs
T, you have an amazing attitude about what has happened and is still happening. Every feeling is there for a reason -- and you deserve to feel every one.
ReplyDeleteI started to leave a comment a few days ago and it didn't go through, so at the risk of repeating myself and what others have already said: I agree that Soldier's behavior has little/nothing to do with you. In fact, FlyBoy, who spent 6 months serving in Kuwait, plus a month or two in the States training away from home, told me he had heard about similar situations -- frequently. He said that being allowed a 2-week leave can be both pure joy and pure torture for many soldiers because they know they have to return to hell. Since he wasn't overseas long enough he didn't get a leave, but he said, personally, he would have rather have stayed "in the zone" -- mentally and physically -- for a few more months than to return to civilized living only to have to go back.
I just wanted to share with you one other military person's perspective.
Many hugs across the miles,
Susan
Keep grieving, you'll get past the anger and unfold toward some new positive feeling. You are strong and aware, and that's great!
ReplyDeleteI have no words... but I'm here...
ReplyDeleteYour friend De sounds amazing.
ReplyDelete