This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Hell, this entire year has been. Today, I'm feeling peaceful and a little melancholy.
When I talk about last weekend with Soldier, and I've been telling the story over and over, I notice a feeling deep inside of me that I wasn't aware of before. I actually put the feeling into words today. These words may sound harsh but...here goes:
My life is good. I am blessed with so much love and joy. If I'm going to welcome a man into my life, he should add to my life.
I love Soldier and I know me, I always will. That is the only way I know how to love. Once you're in my heart, you always will be. I told him that last September and I don't think he quite understood.
Remember the crying orgasm? They always happened with Soldier. He always took my breath away. The first time we had sex last weekend, I cried. He held me and was very gentle to me.
The last time we had sex last weekend, I cried as well. On the outside, it probably looked no different than my usual crying orgasm but I think we both knew it was different. This time I was truly in pain, not physically but emotionally. That time, he held me tighter and said, "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
I digress... these scenes replay themselves in my head. I know he loved me. I'm sorry that our timing is always off. I hate that he's battling horrible demons. I will be his friend and I will send him love.
But its time to move forward.
I can't do anything more for him. He has to fight his own war. I couldn't do anything for the ex and his battles either. I don't need to fight anyone else's battles or war. I can love them unconditionally. I can keep them in my heart. I can listen. I can be a friend. I can do this without fear because that is how I love. Loving like this makes my heart even bigger and allows even more room for the next love in my life. I learned this lesson when I became a mother of two.
I love the line in the Jason Mraz (who puts on a damn good show by the way) song I'm Yours when he says, "I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some..."
That's what I'm doing. I can't regret anything I've done. Maybe I didn't "win" the guy but I didn't "lose" either. I learned SO MUCH about who I am. I just know I did everything I was supposed to do. Without question and without regret.
Yes, I still have some healing to do. I know that I am still processing.
I also know that more love is available to me right now. It is perfect, effortless and amazing. It is exactly what I need. I have complete faith in this. I feel it as sure as I feel my heart beating inside my chest. I feel it as sure as the feel of the keyboard under my fingertips. I have no idea how I know.
The love I shared with Soldier was true. It was perfect, effortless and amazing. The same could be said of my ex. Then, the purpose was served. The lesson was learned. The growth happened. Now I will honor those loves, be aware of the love in my present moment and know with complete faith that there is more to come.
I suppose some people would say that makes me a hopeless romantic.
I believe it makes me hopeful.