I'm ok. I really am.
It all seems surreal to me. For a few days, it seemed like I was dreaming everyone except my soldier. I found myself really tortured through all of my mundane daily duties. I did not want to communicate with or be around anyone. I only wanted to live in my head where I kept imagining being with him.
Then I went through a few days where it seemed like he was the one that wasn't real. I even remarked to a friend that I feel almost like he's my "imaginary friend"... after all, none of my friends know him or have met him. Well, except for the old high school friends who aren't in my daily life. Its been an entire year. Maybe I've made him up after all?
Finally I was just exhausted even thinking about it anymore. "Its like planning an overseas trip", my friend J remarked, "when you keep worrying whether you have everything: passport, money, flight information, itinerary... Eventually, you just want to get it over with so you don't have to think about it anymore!"
Exactly like that.
I mean, my goodness, I've been planning this homecoming since he first told me about it in May! I feel like I've just about gone completely mad. Like seriously, bring out the straight jackets.
The kids and I will be greeting him at my house tomorrow evening. I hope that I can get Rose to capture a photo or two of the moment he is in my arms again. We may have to work on her aim with the camera first.
And the most interesting thing of all is that a few of my co-workers (remember I work with 99% men) are telling me not to have sex with my soldier during our time together?!?!
They are all telling me that I'm too emotionally involved and that I will be a complete mess when he has to leave again.
Why oh why do people insist on getting in my business? This isn't the first time this has happened. Is it because I put it all out there?
*T covers her ears at the resounding YES! from the crowd*
Dare I even ask what you think? You, who have read my every emotion about this whole thing? You, who have read our amazing love story?
How about this? I'm just going to listen to my own advice and let each moment with him unfold as it will. Why put pressure on myself to go one way or the other?
Then again, I know me and even if I am broken down upon my soldier's departure I will hide it from these guys who are telling me to avoid sex at all costs. Hiding my pain is what I do best. I've got a mask of steel that I keep hidden away for occasions just like this.
**Updated: I guess this is really bothering me. I just had another of my co-workers try to talk to me about it and I broke down. I'm realizing that I have indeed always hid my pain...from as far back as I can remember. I have always felt like I had to hide my emotions. I suppose that's yet another dragon on this quest that I have yet to slay.**
- Do more yoga
- Get a massage
- Decide what to wear tomorrow
- Make sure house is clean
- Put yellow ribbon on my tree
- Allow myself to feel