I'm doing my best to process all that happened last weekend. I think I'm getting through the bargaining stage and settling comfortably into depression.
I'm very aware of thoughts like...
...maybe I should have dressed down when he arrived on Friday night?
...maybe I was acting like a big baby when he seemed distant. Perhaps if I wouldn't have acted that way, maybe we would be ok?
...maybe now that he's had some space to think, he will be "that guy" again.
...I just knew I shouldn't have seen him when he was on leave. I had bad feelings about it a long time ago.
I know better. We are not right for each other right now. I have to remind myself of how I felt when he was here. There is no way I could be in a relationship with the stranger that was here last weekend.
Sunday night I didn't sleep well at all. Monday I decided to work from home and perhaps sit with my feelings. I wanted to lie around in bed and cry instead of work. I am actually looking forward to this weekend without the kids. Saturday morning I may go for another long bike ride and afterwards, perhaps have a good long cry.
That's the thing about being a single mom. I don't have a chance to sit with my feelings; I have to be a functioning adult and hold my crap together.
My friend Alex came over tonight. Her daughter and Rose grew up together and are the best of friends. Alex and I encourage this, of course, because we are the best of friends too.
Alex is a crazy girl. She tells it like it is and has the most warped, sick and twisted sense of humor. I love her for that. She has been a huge support to me over this past year. Her husband is ex-Army so she always had great ideas about care packages. She was even included in some silly email exchanges with me and Soldier.
Tonight I told her about what happened. She was stunned. She was looking at me in shock and kept saying, "Oh my gosh, T. That makes my head hurt!"
"Doesn't he know by now that you are just a giving person?" she asked me. "Doesn't he understand that your support of him felt good to you because that is who you are?!? It doesn't make any sense, T. He's right. You do deserve better. You are one of those people who, when you're at an event and someone says 'clap along', you clap along! You love people and you love life. You need someone else like that. You need a happy-go-lucky man who will love life with you!"
She's right. I do. But from my vantage point in this moment, I couldn't see him if he was standing right in front of me.