I read this post about an ex reestablishing contact with Rachel at Single Mom Seeking and the comments that followed were filled with fear and anger.
I wonder if perhaps that is the reason why relationships are so difficult... because of that basic fear and/or mistrust from the get go. I mean, how can we possibly learn to love each other when we're so frightened of being hurt? Again.
Its not like women are the only ones who do this. My soldier and I have also talked about past relationships and how, to men, it seems like women can be so flighty and difficult to read. I too have noticed this in friendships and in sexual relationships with women. Sometimes you think you understand what they're thinking or what they're wanting and then you're left wondering, "What the hell happened?!"
To which my soldier replies, "Welcome to the world of dating women."
No, I'm not dating women but yes, I have taken some friendships further this past year. And all the drama still happens.
"This is why," my soldier continued, "its every man for himself, you know?"
Hmmm... so this is what happens when relationship after relationship has failed? This is what we do when we're so hurt and confused? We project all of that fear and mis-trust out on to the opposite sex and they can't win for losing, can they?
Do we not notice that all we're doing is projecting our past fears on to a future that has not yet happened?
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
~A Course in Miracles
Believe me, this is a lesson I have to remember myself. After all, we teach what we need to learn. So, in all of the fear that I have projected this week, this lesson is timely.
I have also had to keep this in mind when my soldier projects his fear. He has been hurt in many more relationships than I have. When I realize that he is making an assumption based on his past with other women, I am less likely to take his words or actions personally. Thankfully, thus far, he is able to realize the same with me.
Two people from the Course in Miracles study group that I facilitate are falling madly in love with each other. He seems very comfortable with the idea and she is terrified.
This girl was blissfully happy before. She was perfectly content with being alone and drama-free. Now, she's out-of-her-mind and paralyzed with worry about becoming vulnerable in a possibly beautiful relationship. Are we really that content when our hearts are closed? Or do we just convince ourselves that we are?
I have learned that the best way to grow and learn about yourself is in relation to another person.
Love does not conquer all things, but it does set all things right.... As you come closer to a brother you approach me, and as you withdraw from him I become distant to you.... That is because the function of love is One.
~A Course in Miracles
How else will we be challenged to grow? I mean, I've learned more about myself over this past year, even with my soldier being away, than I did the year prior. I've opened myself to the unfolding of an amazing relationship and have grown exponentially because of it.
I've learned eons more since the ex and I split than I did in many years of our marriage when we'd both slipped into complacency. I had to look at myself in relation to him differently than before. We both had to see each other differently in order to create the beautiful co-parenting relationship we have now.
No, sometimes its not comfortable. Sometimes, we don't even realize we're projecting our fear until we see where we've projected it. Maybe then we'll have an enlightened moment. Or maybe then we will have justification to close our hearts, yet again.
I wonder... if we always go into interactions with a potential partner (or friend) with a planned result of being hurt again, why would we get any other result?
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
We all need to open our hearts to each other and let each moment unfold. Erase the past. Every day and in each moment, let go of your expectations. Even with those people you've known for years - allow them to reveal themselves to you. Be malleable to the moment.
You may be pleasantly surprised. Rachel found something unexpected and now her heart feels exposed and vulnerable. How can anything but an open heart be ready for love?
The love that you search for everywhere is already present within you. It may be evoked by any number of people or events. A mountain can evoke this love. A sunset can evoke this love. But finally, you must realize you are this love. The source of all love is within you.