I'm realizing now that I am in withdrawal. I've had two fellow bloggers mention the word addiction and I'm realizing that... I was addicted to Soldier. Or at least the way I felt about him.
Don't we all become addicted to the highs and lows of a relationship? Without even planning on it, they become habit.
Wikipedia describes withdrawal:
Withdrawal, also known as withdrawal/abstinence syndrome, refers to the characteristic signs and symptoms that appear when a drug (um... how about person or feeling?) that causes physical dependence is regularly used for a long time and then suddenly discontinued or decreased in dosage. The term can also, less formally, refer to symptoms that appear after discontinuing a drug or other substance (unable to cause true physical dependence) that one has become psychologically dependent upon.
Even with the space between us I'm glorifying the highs beyond what they probably really were. And completely ignoring the lows.
I'm realizing that I have a problem with wanting to feel needed.
I enjoy feeling like the light in the lives of people who are damaged.
Then again, aren't we all damaged in some way?
I've been told three times in the past week that I need an easy relationship with a happy-go-lucky guy. I agree. I don't want another broken man.
Then I wonder... will I feel challenged enough? Will I feel loved if he doesn't need me to fix him in some way? Why is it my job to fix everyone anyway? (A therapist once asked me this same question. I suppose I'm still looking for the answer.)
Soldier and I enjoyed nurturing each other and feeling like we needed to heal each other. I think that was the crux of our falling for each other last year. He liked to think about taking care of me and making everything ok. I enjoyed showing him that he was worth waiting for and encouraging him all year during this deployment.
But now he realizes that I don't need him to take care of me. And he doesn't need to make everything ok in my life. Its his own life that needs repair now.
I'm realizing that I can't fix him. And it wears me out to try.
I'm learning my lessons. Thank you for your continued support, patience and love.