I'm realizing now that I am in withdrawal. I've had two fellow bloggers mention the word addiction and I'm realizing that... I was addicted to Soldier. Or at least the way I felt about him.
Don't we all become addicted to the highs and lows of a relationship? Without even planning on it, they become habit.
Wikipedia describes withdrawal:
Withdrawal, also known as withdrawal/abstinence syndrome, refers to the characteristic signs and symptoms that appear when a drug (um... how about person or feeling?) that causes physical dependence is regularly used for a long time and then suddenly discontinued or decreased in dosage. The term can also, less formally, refer to symptoms that appear after discontinuing a drug or other substance (unable to cause true physical dependence) that one has become psychologically dependent upon.
Even with the space between us I'm glorifying the highs beyond what they probably really were. And completely ignoring the lows.
I'm realizing that I have a problem with wanting to feel needed.
I enjoy feeling like the light in the lives of people who are damaged.
Then again, aren't we all damaged in some way?
I've been told three times in the past week that I need an easy relationship with a happy-go-lucky guy. I agree. I don't want another broken man.
Then I wonder... will I feel challenged enough? Will I feel loved if he doesn't need me to fix him in some way? Why is it my job to fix everyone anyway? (A therapist once asked me this same question. I suppose I'm still looking for the answer.)
Soldier and I enjoyed nurturing each other and feeling like we needed to heal each other. I think that was the crux of our falling for each other last year. He liked to think about taking care of me and making everything ok. I enjoyed showing him that he was worth waiting for and encouraging him all year during this deployment.
But now he realizes that I don't need him to take care of me. And he doesn't need to make everything ok in my life. Its his own life that needs repair now.
I'm realizing that I can't fix him. And it wears me out to try.
I'm learning my lessons. Thank you for your continued support, patience and love.
I totally get this withdrawal thing, my love. Was REALLY conscious of it after spending a month straight with my Man and then being long distance again.
ReplyDeleteThats why I devoted myself to spiritual things- the stuff that nurtures me a part from his love.
You are an incredible woman. I want you to be blessed with a man that lifts you as much as you lift them.
Muah, thanks for sharing your heart witt us all.
I totally get this. Do it ALL the time, including right now. It is easy to gloss over the lows and focus on the highs because the lows hurt and the highs make you feel sooooo good. Thanks for sharing your struggle with us. Hopefully you will get through this pain sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeleteI've been there and done that. I think most of have at one time or another in our lives.
ReplyDeleteSending you some big warm hugs to help you get through this.
kitten
The writer Thomas Moore suggests that addiction is the sign of a soul crying out to be healed.
ReplyDeletewe can only make ourselves whole, as hard as that is to realize and to execute. Hang on T. I think we all go through tmes when we love feeling needed.
ReplyDeleteI don't see you as having been addicted. I see you as having trained yourself into believing you need this man as such a strong part of your sexual identity for so long that you internalized it--and now find you have to undo it. You had a trust. You can't do the things you did together with just anyone; there needs to be a connection, a trust, and you are afraid--no, terrified--that you will not have that trust with anyone else again. It takes so long, so much investment of time, energy, love, care and attention to establish and to allow this compenetration to manifest as a connection that transcends simply "amazing sex."...that reaches your soul.
ReplyDeleteYou need to retake YOU. That comes with time and practice and patience. You will go two steps and fall back three. Then it will start to get easier.
Moment by moment, T. Thanks for writing. Be well.
> Don't we all become addicted to the highs and lows of a relationship? Without even planning on it, they become habit.
ReplyDeleteNot quite. We all become comfortable and habitual with these things. But "addicted" includes negative impact, and an inability to stop despite that negative impact.
Most people I've gotten to know are codependant to some degree or another. I finally saw enough of this that when I divorced (after the obligatory no-strings fling with a new female) I went into celibacy. Now I seem to be stuck there... but that's okay. It's way better than if I'd found a new relationship to "make myself whole". I wasn't deeply addicted to Love/Relationships... but I had way more compulsive behaviors going on than I realized until I really thought about it.
I've worked through many of those, and gotten a firm handhold on working through the rest. It's awesome. :)
Unfortunately, I'm still abstaining from dating. *sigh* And I can't figure out if I support myself in that, or not.
> I'm realizing that I have a problem with wanting to feel needed.
> I enjoy feeling like the light in the lives of people who are damaged.
Awesome insights. :) These can help a lot... but we've gotta *do* something with them, not just be aware of them.
From what I've read of your relationship with Soldier, you've got some codependency going on. Well, most people do... but I see some signs in your relationship with him that it's an issue that you'd be happier if you worked through. I don't have suggestions, though... there are all kinds of resources for reduction of codependency. I found the ones that worked best for me, and I'm happier as a result. If you think that there might be something that's hampering your happiness and you see signs of codependency doing so, then I'd encourage you to learn about it some more and get hooked up with some resources on how to decrease codependency.
Otherwise... cool blog! :) Again, you did a great job of describing and narrating. Well done.