My girls are tucked into my bed here next to me. I never allow them to do that. I'm usually wanting to stay awake and have my own private "me" time... and besides, if I allow it too many times, I get begged for it more and more. They love to snuggle. Then again, so do I.
My FWB came by on Thursday night. My kids were well into dreamland. I met him at the door in a negligee that I last wore when posing in high heels for a photo that I'd sent to Soldier. I had to shake off the thought as I pulled it from my drawer. I didn't even have the time to tie the delicate strings around my neck before I heard the knock at the door.
I wasn't really in a mood other than sad when he called me earlier. I had just received Soldier's "Family and Friends" email that I wrote about in my last post. I couldn't stop the thoughts going through my head....
Would this be easier if Soldier had told me that he didn't love me anymore, like the ex did?
Would this be easier if Soldier had told me that our Friday night when we exchanged "I love you's" was just a sham, like the ex did?
I actually watched a little bit of porn to get me in the mood, knowing I would have a midnight visitor. I felt much better when I opened the door and felt the icy cold breeze on my nearly nude body.
"Oh wow. You look so sexy!"
He did say the right things. His hands felt good on my cool skin.
I immediately met his lips with deep, breathless kisses. I just wanted to be taken.
After round one, we lay simply in each others' arms. I like being with him this way. Almost (or maybe not almost) more than the sex. He's attentive, affectionate. He has a thing for kissing my back. God, I love that. Not many men realize what an erogenous zone the back is.
He was looking at me that way. I really hope he isn't feeling things that I'm not. He asked me about my grieving/healing process. He wanted to hear about how I was doing. Genuinely wanted to know. I began to cry as I told him about reading Soldier's email. He held me, caressing my arms, holding my hand. He likes to touch my hair and have my head on his chest while we talk to each other.
This is new for me. I've never had sex with someone and not thought, "what does this mean?!? what is he thinking?!? where is this going?!?!"
Its nice to live in this moment. He says he's enjoying it as well. He is healing from his divorce and still finding himself after being with an emotionally abusive ex. His touch is healing to me. And mine to him. It feels nice. I will enjoy it while it lasts.
I pulled out more Christmas decorations today. I am happy to see our Christmas tree with familiar family ornaments instead of the red/white/blue decor I chose for Soldier's R&R visit.
Rose was jumping in excited familiarity at some of the Christmas items I pulled from the garage. I teared up at her recollection of Christmas decor from previous years. I can't remember if she did that last year. Perhaps? I had to smile knowing that I was creating a tradition with my girls, even if it is something as minute as her Fisher Price Little People Nativity Scene that she's had since she was 2. And now, she's sharing those memories with her little sister, explaining the characters in the scene. Telling her the whole beautiful story of Christmas.
My girls are sleeping now and I think I'll join them. Their affection is nice. I should stop and enjoy it more often.
I should at least allow myself that much love.