Saturday, November 22, 2008

Allowing

My girls are tucked into my bed here next to me. I never allow them to do that. I'm usually wanting to stay awake and have my own private "me" time... and besides, if I allow it too many times, I get begged for it more and more. They love to snuggle. Then again, so do I.

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My FWB came by on Thursday night. My kids were well into dreamland. I met him at the door in a negligee that I last wore when posing in high heels for a photo that I'd sent to Soldier. I had to shake off the thought as I pulled it from my drawer. I didn't even have the time to tie the delicate strings around my neck before I heard the knock at the door.

I wasn't really in a mood other than sad when he called me earlier. I had just received Soldier's "Family and Friends" email that I wrote about in my last post. I couldn't stop the thoughts going through my head....

Would this be easier if Soldier had told me that he didn't love me anymore, like the ex did?

Would this be easier if Soldier had told me that our Friday night when we exchanged "I love you's" was just a sham, like the ex did?


I actually watched a little bit of porn to get me in the mood, knowing I would have a midnight visitor. I felt much better when I opened the door and felt the icy cold breeze on my nearly nude body.

"Oh wow. You look so sexy!"

He did say the right things. His hands felt good on my cool skin.

I immediately met his lips with deep, breathless kisses. I just wanted to be taken.

After round one, we lay simply in each others' arms. I like being with him this way. Almost (or maybe not almost) more than the sex. He's attentive, affectionate. He has a thing for kissing my back. God, I love that. Not many men realize what an erogenous zone the back is.

He was looking at me that way. I really hope he isn't feeling things that I'm not. He asked me about my grieving/healing process. He wanted to hear about how I was doing. Genuinely wanted to know. I began to cry as I told him about reading Soldier's email. He held me, caressing my arms, holding my hand. He likes to touch my hair and have my head on his chest while we talk to each other.

This is new for me. I've never had sex with someone and not thought, "what does this mean?!? what is he thinking?!? where is this going?!?!"

Its nice to live in this moment. He says he's enjoying it as well. He is healing from his divorce and still finding himself after being with an emotionally abusive ex. His touch is healing to me. And mine to him. It feels nice. I will enjoy it while it lasts.

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I pulled out more Christmas decorations today. I am happy to see our Christmas tree with familiar family ornaments instead of the red/white/blue decor I chose for Soldier's R&R visit.

Rose was jumping in excited familiarity at some of the Christmas items I pulled from the garage. I teared up at her recollection of Christmas decor from previous years. I can't remember if she did that last year. Perhaps? I had to smile knowing that I was creating a tradition with my girls, even if it is something as minute as her Fisher Price Little People Nativity Scene that she's had since she was 2. And now, she's sharing those memories with her little sister, explaining the characters in the scene. Telling her the whole beautiful story of Christmas.

My girls are sleeping now and I think I'll join them. Their affection is nice. I should stop and enjoy it more often.

I should at least allow myself that much love.

16 comments:

  1. It's a beautiful thing to lay next to each other after sex and heal. In those moments when you're completely open and intimate. To be accepted while the other person just wants to pull you closer.

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  2. Well it seems like you and FWB have some mutual healing, the right person, right time and place. Thats a good thing.

    Hope you slept well.

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  3. Sounds incredibly sweet... and healing. I hope you two are able to stay on the "same page" emotionally.

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  4. I hope this is new beginnings for you T ,you deserve it

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  5. Wow. What a great way to meet you; this post is fantastic.

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  6. Aw girl. :( I think it is great that you and he can be there for each other like that. Blue Eyes does that for me. Doesn't shy away from asking me about the hard stuff and actually LISTENS! Amazing. Sex is very therapeutic. Hope you can indeed enjoy it while you heal. (((HUGS)))

    Funny - the word verification for me is "docry". Hmmm...

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  7. I was so touched by this post. Thanks for sharing your most intimate thoughts and letting me in. I am still learning how to balance the "traditions" and this new life. Christmas is hard, all our ornaments are memories, everything we did. Now I am supposed to make it last, but my marriage didn't. How?

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  8. Wow, you had an FWB over with the kids in the house? I haven't gone that far. But I have half-time custody, so I can arrange for sleepovers when the kids aren't there. FWBs rock. Sounds like you are thinking about more than friends, though, eh? If you both are, go for it!

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  9. You deserve the love, you should allow ANY love. Friends, FWB, love from the children. YOU, being the fabulous sexy woman you are? Deserve that. *hugs*

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  10. I'm gonna weigh in with dadshouse... getting casually laid while your kids are in the house is a choice that many parents would be pretty cautious about making. You may be fine with your daughters knowing your sexual lifestyle though, in which case it's simply a set of moral values that differs from my own.

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  11. Damn, you men are being awfully judgmental. Leave poor T alone! She knows her girls and she knows what she is doing. She said that they were asleep. He probably left well before the woke up. Would it have been better if she'd stuck them with a sitter? It's not easy to have a decent sex life being a mostly full-time mom, guys.

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  12. Heh! You're crackin' me up PT-Law Mom. Thanks for steppin' in!

    I never once saw what I was doing as wrong. It was the middle of the night. My kids sleep all the way through the night. I have a lock on my door. My kids know to knock. He was gone WAY before they woke up. They're still small enough (and my bed is HUGE) that I could have easily hidden him in the covers and gone to my children if they needed me. He is not a stranger but a single dad himself who understands that this was something not to be taken lightly.

    I guess I can see where this looks bad if it was some random booty call with a stranger or something... but yes, you do what you have to do as a single "mostly full-time" mom. I would never put my girls in harms way. And neither would he.

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  13. Well...having been the FWB on one occasion (actually, it led her to become Ex #2 15 years later)..I can say that during the moments before, during and after, I kept one eye on her and the other on the bedroom door. But I have to say, it was memorable. Would I do it again now that I'm the custodial parent...nope...but then my pre-teen is way too curious for his own good.

    T, you know best.

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  14. T, what I hear you describing is "Don't worry; they won't find out." It sounds like you'd not want them to find out. (I agree with ya, but that isn't important.)

    So, the risk of them finding out is worth the payoff of casual sex in their home. You believe that the risk of them finding out is small, and I do validate the things you backed that with.

    And yeah, it's surely hard for a single parent to get laid without a babysitter. ;) I acknowledge that but it doesn't make it a good idea if that parent is doing something they don't want to get "caught" doing.

    It's important enough to me that I won't take the risk of having to "introduce my kids to my lover over breakfast". That's modeling something that I have no wish to model... so "they'll never catch me" loses too much of its reassurance. 'Cause eventually, they *will*... and even if they don't, I'd still be modeling deception.

    I model deception all the time; it's not like I pretend not to make bad decisions. But I do appreciate when my peeps call out, "Hey, Scott... that looks like a bad call, dude. You sure you wanna be doing that?" Reality checks are always appreciated, and frequently I learn a lot from 'em. I prefer friends who call me on perceived bad choices and I try to do the same thing for my friends.

    If that's inappropriate here I can stop, though. But I get the impression that T's good at discarding things she doesn't consider valid, so I don't feel like I'm overstepping bounds. If I am, T, please let me know. I think you're awesome and I don't wanna offend.

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  15. T, you go girl. You know what you're doing. I wish you every kind of love there is. :) And keep on healing with your FWB!

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