For our third and final theme, The Exception, Mama Llama and I are focusing on:
The Patience to Learn Deep Love Over Time…
Our initial two themes from the book Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, were:
The ability to sense and learn new things.
The tenacity to ride a rough road.
(And please check out Cathouse Teri's beautiful addition to our themes.)
I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching lately. OK, so I'm always soul searching. However lately, I have become more aware of beliefs about myself and yes, even things I gave up or put away in my year of being a Soldier's Girl.
I've realized that I was rushing through the process of moving past the hurts of my marriage's demise. Yes, I had moments when I was grateful for my ex and other moments when I felt as if I were looking at a stranger. But it wasn't until the painful deja vu of another emotionally unavailable man in the form of a soldier with PTSD, did I realize that I still had some things to process.
Another realization occurred to me on Sunday night. I put on one of my favorite cds to listen to on the drive home from my sister's house. The kids like soft music when we're driving at night so they will fall asleep. I chose Sarah McLachlan's Afterglow.
Now I haven't listened to this cd in years but I had grabbed a few random cds on the way out the door last week. I remembered how the ex and I enjoyed Sarah McLachlan so much. He was not an excitable man. Many times he came to see my band perform and he was proud. Very proud. But not excited. Forget it, when we would go to see Sarah McLachlan in concert, he was like a small child on Christmas morning. It was endearing to see him appreciate her... even if it was more than me.
I don't know... something about listening to this cd reminded me of how we were at the beginning of our relationship. I pursued him. It was love at first sight for me. We were both hired at the same time and worked together so he wouldn't ask me out. I joked with him frequently about it.
"When are you gonna ask me out?"
He'd always avoid the question. Then one day he retorted back,
"I'll pick you up at eight."
We were pretty disgustingly in love. Always calling each other pet names and lots of PDA.
Yes, that was the beginning... but it was over time that I began to truly love him.
Sure, in the beginning, there was lots of passion, fun, fights and throwing things. Then we settled into a pattern. I was ying to his yang. We each knew how to talk to the other person. How to soothe the other person... These lyrics reminded me of how he was to me:
Every time I look at you
The world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears
Dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest
But you take me as I am
When I fall you offer me a softer place to land
~Sarah McLachlan, Push
Somewhere along the way, we lost that. We got wrapped up in our own pain and sense of loss... whether it was loss of our beloved dog (who was our first baby), the loss of our freedom upon having children, the loss of our child (due to my miscarriage) or simply the loss of our youth or innocence. Somewhere along the way, we lost each other and that love that we'd built over our 17 plus years of being together. I suppose I forgot to mourn that part of it. That was the biggest loss of all.
Sure I would enjoy new love in my life again. But nothing beats the verity of deep love that has been built over time.
The very next song on the album made the tears fall even harder. I remember singing this song to my baby Rose...
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
~Sarah McLachlan, Answer
The patience to learn deep love over time creates such lasting beauty. Even if the form of that deep love changes, it is recreated every time I look into the eyes of my two little girls. Love that was created from the deep love between their father and I.
And I know this:
When the stars have all gone out, they'll still be burning so bright...