Thursday, November 13, 2008

Crossing that bridge with lessons I've learned...

Music is so inspiring and healing to me. I was belting out this Seal song today in the car...

Crossing that bridge,
With lessons I've learned.
Playing with fire,
And not getting burned.

I may not know what you're going through.
But time is the space,
Between me and you.
Life carries on... it goes on.

~ Seal, Prayer for the Dying

Click on the link above to watch the video for the song. Seal.... simple, sexy, sensual, SSSOOOOOO good. And SO bald.

But I digress...

I've come to realize:

I have been choosing the "wrong" men based on my feelings (or lack thereof) of self-worth.

Goodness, even in that post I just linked to, from April of this year, I said,
"I've learned that I tend to be attracted to the 'unavailability' of men, and friends in general, for some reason or another. It feels like I am only comfortable in relationships in which I have to work hard. Trying and vying for someone's attention at all times."

Wow. I could seemingly type nearly that entire post here again.

The thing is, I didn't realize this about myself until this year of the Soldier.

This is yet another reason why I hold no regrets for my choices. Sure, I suppose they seemingly could have been the "wrong" men but weren't they truly exactly "right"?

I think they were exactly what I needed at the time. Each relationship has always led me to and prepared me for the next one. I hold no regrets for any of them. Not a single one.

Who am I to judge what lessons are in store for me?

"Remember how many times you thought you knew all the 'facts' you needed for judgment, and how wrong you were! Is there anyone who has not had this experience? Would you know how many times you merely thought you were right, without ever realizing you were wrong?

Wisdom is not judgment; it is the relinquishment of judgment. It is this: There is Someone with you Whose judgment is perfect. He does know all the facts; past, present, and to come. He does know all the effects of His judgment on everyone and everything involved in any way. And He is wholly fair to everyone, for there is no distortion in His perception.
~ A Course in Miracles

I am laying my judgment down... "not with regret but with a sigh of gratitude".

After all:
"Some of your greatest advances you have judged as failures, and some of your deepest retreats you have evaluated as success."
~A Course in Miracles

What the hell do I know anyway?


  1. I get this T - totally!

    We live and learn and hopefully at some point will get it right!

  2. I remember after my ex and I split. My therapist said there was no was I would go from her to a healthy relationship. There would be a lot of steps along the way and their have been. Each person is a lesson to be learned so the next person can be higher up on the ladder of dating.

  3. Unavailable people are what Ive been attracted to much of my life as well.....and it took a while to figure out that i wasnt put on this earth to fix people or to prove to myself that i could "snag" someone who belonged to someone else - or to their own demons. and even though i "think" ive figured it out, its hard sometimes not to wanna go back to that way of thinking.

  4. I am hooked on your blog because I notice so many similarities in our thought process, the way we handle our children and the way we handle our life.

    I can make a list of all the things I do but I get no further than that. I cannot make the changes I need to make to find a happy, fulfilling relationship. I tend to ignore all the warning signs and do not trust my gut.

    I have no advice for you but will give you some words of encouragement:

    "Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall."

    "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
    Albert Einstein

  5. I found your blog a few days ago and have been completely hooked. I see myself so much in some of your posts. Thank you for the insights I've been getting into myself through your words!

  6. This ties into Single Mom Seeking's comment thread the other day. Readers were telling her "I told you so!" for how things didn't work out with the single dad blogger and former ex who re-appeared in her life.

    And I asked, who are they to judge her actions? Only she has walked her shoes. Every choice she makes, every experience she has, is right for her at that time. Best for us to do is simply be there for her.

    Sounds like you are having a great deal of self awareness about your experience with the soldier. That's evolution!

    btw - how come women can talk about men's body parts, whether it's baldness or a barrel chest or strong abs or whatever, but if a man says a woman has nice tits or a great ass, other women think that man is a pig. Seems like a double standard! I love a nice ass on a woman, and have no problem with you loving a bald man - I just want women to not give me shit for me loving thoses asses! :-)

  7. Every day is learning. Every moment is living. Every second is loving. Loving and respecting yourself comes first; although I struggle with that lesson, I firmly believe that to be true. My true love aches when I do not show self-love. When I am strong and firm, our communication and sharing flourishes and strengthens. I cannot depend on him to lift me; I need to lift myself. Equally, one of the most attractive qualities he demonstrates is his self-worth; without an ego, a true love and a true desire to understand himself and others.

    Great post, T. Be well.

  8. Dad's House: Let's see your post about women's asses! You know that you might ruffle a few feathers... but you do that even if you're not talking about body parts.

    Thanks for the great observation through T's post.

    T: You know that I'm hooked here, too. When you write about trying to become more self-aware, it really helps all of us...

    Especially for those of us -- men and women -- who have been known to find wounded birds alongside the road.

    Know what I mean?

  9. Oh, T - I completely get what you're saying. That is why I do truly believe that there are no mistakes. I cringe at the bizarre collection of relationships I've been in since splitting from my ex. But every one was useful and beneficial in its own way. Thanks for sharing your beautiful thought process with us.

  10. Timing is always perfect whether we want to see it or not. We see what we want to see until we are ready to see and know and live something else.

    You are simply awesome Ms T!

    As for DH's comment... it is not that women mind being appreciated for their bodies, it is the tone of the appreciation! ;)

  11. T — I once went to a parents' conference where I heard Mike Riera (he's written lots of parenting books). In advising parents on how to talk to their kids if they've messed up, he said to ask them if they heard that little voice in their head saying, "Dude, you shouldn't do that!" and, if they did, why they didn't listen to it.

    I think that's good advice for all of us to ask ourselves, not in judgment, but as a way to understand why we do what we do, and what we want to do better. And then, you know, go on loving ourselves.


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