Many of my friends are trying to convince me that my life would be easier if I were. Maybe?
Last week, I suffered a relapse of grief, anger and blame. I hadn't heard from Soldier since he left my house. I know that he will throw himself full into his work in order to avoid his emotions. But I don't work that way. I was feeling hurt.
I started typing up a nasty email to Soldier and then thought the better of it. I try to think before I explode. At least with email.
After I settled down, I did send an email. And perhaps it was accusing. I wanted to let him know that I'd finally figured out some things and I was... I didn't say angry... disappointed in his actions. That my only expectation was honesty. I asked him to send back all of the videos I'd made for him and "any other appropriate items that should be sent back to me." I also said I wanted a clean break from him.
I finished the email saying that I still wished him the best that life and love have to offer and that I had no regrets.
Ten minutes later he emailed back, upset at my accusations and saying that I had a "vivid imagination". Ok, I felt hurt so I attacked and he attacked back. I get it.
He also said he had already put a box in the mail with the items I'd requested. He could tell before he left my house that I felt uncomfortable knowing that he still had lots of sexy videos of me. He also included more gifts for my kids and a thank you card for me. He said he was open to still being friends or... friends with benefits.
Seriously?!? I was pissed. Surely he's not reducing what we had down to just sex?!?
I had to let it go. Gem and several of my other girlfriends were very angry at him and told me to not respond to him. I didn't. I was angry too.
Then I had another revelation over the weekend.
I understood that he was reacting in anger to my anger.
That, of course from the hell he is in, he is not going to be understanding right now.
Yes, of course he's going to try to selfishly keep me in his life because.... he would like to have the ego (or cock) stroke that I could certainly provide (if I wanted to). We will most likely see each other at high school reunions in the future. We have many mutual friends that we've both reconnected with since our reunion. It would be easier to know that we could still feel comfortable around each other.
(Note to self: Build up a resistance to his charm, great body, deep voice, full lips, confident nature and dreamy blue eyes....)
I remembered that he had already told me that he simply couldn't be an emotional person right now. Its too difficult for him. So, of course, he's only wanting a physical relationship if I'm up for it.
(Am I? Hmmmm... most definitely not. A girl's gotta have a boundary somewhere! Note to self: see Note to self above.)
OK, yes, I might be wrong in my assumptions and accusations.
And, ultimately, it doesn't matter because both of us were just wanting to feel love.
That day, I sent him another email and I haven't told any of my girlfriends about it yet.
I told him that I was sorry for accusing him but that much of what he admitted to me, lead me to my assumption. I said I had been feeling angry and I apologized for throwing all of that anger on him. I told him how I tried to be exactly what he needed all year. How he encouraged the relationship and all that I was doing all year long. I said that my expectations were based on the potential built up in the beginning of our relationship and how he was so loving to me all year.
I told him that I now realized he knew he couldn't be the man for me much earlier than I did. And I spent the weekend with him still trying to fit him into the mold he'd carved out so beautifully in my heart. A mold he resisted because he had to go back to Iraq.
I finished the email with this:
"And you. You saw my self-worth even before I did. I was taking the crumbs you could deal out to me in the state of hell that you were living in... not even thinking that I'd never get the whole loaf. But you saw that I was worth the whole loaf. That must have been why you felt so awful upon receipt of every care package, card and love letter. You knew you couldn't possibly give me the whole loaf and you knew I was worth more than that. I now agree with you. That gift alone, David, was worth an entire year of crumbs..."
As expected, I haven't heard back from him in response to my email. I did receive his "Family and Friends" email update today. Dammit, he's so articulate!! His excellent writing style, knowledge, intellect and positive attitude in these emails makes my heart beat outside my chest.
*sigh* When does that part go away?
The package he sent hasn't arrived yet. It usually takes about two weeks.
I am letting it go. All that I thought I did that hurt him and all that I thought he did to hurt me. None of it was intentional. Nothing needs forgiving when we only do what we think is best at the time.
Yesterday, I looked at my timeline of when he's supposed to be home from Iraq. He'll be back in about 11 weeks or so. I cried when I saw the timeline dwindling. I remember looking at it and feeling so despondent for so many days and now... its almost over.
I feel like I'm still holding my breath for his safety. I want him to be back here on U.S. soil. It doesn't matter that he won't be with me. I only want to know that he's safe and on the road to recovery. Back on track to being the man I fell in love with. Even if there will be someone else who gets to hold his heart again. That's okay with me. I really do wish him the best that life and love have to offer.
I guess to my girlfriends, my "letting it go and still caring for him" appears to be weakness. I should "get mad and make him come begging back." Even as I broke down to Gem yesterday when confessing that I'd wished his deployment was over, she looked at me sympathetically and said, "Girl, you have a big heart."
As much as I try, I can't be one of those people who writes off someone else because I was hurt from the demise of a relationship. I always say that once you're in my heart, you always will be. (just ask any of my exes)
I forgive. Its just what I do.
I love. In spite of.