Thursday, November 20, 2008

Love. In spite of.

I am not a hater.

Many of my friends are trying to convince me that my life would be easier if I were. Maybe?

I.just.can't.do.it...

Last week, I suffered a relapse of grief, anger and blame. I hadn't heard from Soldier since he left my house. I know that he will throw himself full into his work in order to avoid his emotions. But I don't work that way. I was feeling hurt.

I started typing up a nasty email to Soldier and then thought the better of it. I try to think before I explode. At least with email.

After I settled down, I did send an email. And perhaps it was accusing. I wanted to let him know that I'd finally figured out some things and I was... I didn't say angry... disappointed in his actions. That my only expectation was honesty. I asked him to send back all of the videos I'd made for him and "any other appropriate items that should be sent back to me." I also said I wanted a clean break from him.

I finished the email saying that I still wished him the best that life and love have to offer and that I had no regrets.

Ten minutes later he emailed back, upset at my accusations and saying that I had a "vivid imagination". Ok, I felt hurt so I attacked and he attacked back. I get it.

He also said he had already put a box in the mail with the items I'd requested. He could tell before he left my house that I felt uncomfortable knowing that he still had lots of sexy videos of me. He also included more gifts for my kids and a thank you card for me. He said he was open to still being friends or... friends with benefits.

Seriously?!? I was pissed. Surely he's not reducing what we had down to just sex?!?

I had to let it go. Gem and several of my other girlfriends were very angry at him and told me to not respond to him. I didn't. I was angry too.

Then I had another revelation over the weekend.

I understood that he was reacting in anger to my anger.

That, of course from the hell he is in, he is not going to be understanding right now.

Yes, of course he's going to try to selfishly keep me in his life because.... he would like to have the ego (or cock) stroke that I could certainly provide (if I wanted to). We will most likely see each other at high school reunions in the future. We have many mutual friends that we've both reconnected with since our reunion. It would be easier to know that we could still feel comfortable around each other.

(Note to self: Build up a resistance to his charm, great body, deep voice, full lips, confident nature and dreamy blue eyes....)

I remembered that he had already told me that he simply couldn't be an emotional person right now. Its too difficult for him. So, of course, he's only wanting a physical relationship if I'm up for it.

(Am I? Hmmmm... most definitely not. A girl's gotta have a boundary somewhere! Note to self: see Note to self above.)

OK, yes, I might be wrong in my assumptions and accusations.

And
, ultimately, it doesn't matter because both of us were just wanting to feel love.

That day, I sent him another email and I haven't told any of my girlfriends about it yet.

I told him that I was sorry for accusing him but that much of what he admitted to me, lead me to my assumption. I said I had been feeling angry and I apologized for throwing all of that anger on him. I told him how I tried to be exactly what he needed all year. How he encouraged the relationship and all that I was doing all year long. I said that my expectations were based on the potential built up in the beginning of our relationship and how he was so loving to me all year.

I told him that I now realized he knew he couldn't be the man for me much earlier than I did. And I spent the weekend with him still trying to fit him into the mold he'd carved out so beautifully in my heart. A mold he resisted because he had to go back to Iraq.

I finished the email with this:

"And you. You saw my self-worth even before I did. I was taking the crumbs you could deal out to me in the state of hell that you were living in... not even thinking that I'd never get the whole loaf. But you saw that I was worth the whole loaf. That must have been why you felt so awful upon receipt of every care package, card and love letter. You knew you couldn't possibly give me the whole loaf and you knew I was worth more than that. I now agree with you. That gift alone, David, was worth an entire year of crumbs..."

As expected, I haven't heard back from him in response to my email. I did receive his "Family and Friends" email update today. Dammit, he's so articulate!! His excellent writing style, knowledge, intellect and positive attitude in these emails makes my heart beat outside my chest.

*sigh* When does that part go away?

The package he sent hasn't arrived yet. It usually takes about two weeks.

I am letting it go. All that I thought I did that hurt him and all that I thought he did to hurt me. None of it was intentional. Nothing needs forgiving when we only do what we think is best at the time.

Yesterday, I looked at my timeline of when he's supposed to be home from Iraq. He'll be back in about 11 weeks or so. I cried when I saw the timeline dwindling. I remember looking at it and feeling so despondent for so many days and now... its almost over.

I feel like I'm still holding my breath for his safety. I want him to be back here on U.S. soil. It doesn't matter that he won't be with me. I only want to know that he's safe and on the road to recovery. Back on track to being the man I fell in love with. Even if there will be someone else who gets to hold his heart again. That's okay with me. I really do wish him the best that life and love have to offer.

I guess to my girlfriends, my "letting it go and still caring for him" appears to be weakness. I should "get mad and make him come begging back." Even as I broke down to Gem yesterday when confessing that I'd wished his deployment was over, she looked at me sympathetically and said, "Girl, you have a big heart."

As much as I try, I can't be one of those people who writes off someone else because I was hurt from the demise of a relationship. I always say that once you're in my heart, you always will be. (just ask any of my exes)

I forgive. Its just what I do.

I love. In spite of.

11 comments:

  1. I think you do have a big heart, T. And I think it's beautiful.

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  2. You have felt anger though T - you dont need to feel hate! Its destructive to you!

    But you did feel anger - which I firmly beleive you need to when dealing with this kind of heartache!

    I identify with so much of what you are feeling right now! I would feel the same - I would want him to be back home safe now too.

    Letting go wont happen over night - its a gradual process and when you love someone like this I dont think you ever do really let go!

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  3. I love your note to self, see above note! I so relate! Sometimes I want to sit self down and give her a stern talking to, but it's self! So I end up hugging her instead.

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  4. You have a lot of processing to do. Go easy on yourself. You wrote you want a clean break, but then you wrote that you're still in contact with him, still venting, still looking at when he'll be back. Give yourself time. Clean breaks don't just happen with a snip - they are more like long deflations until you reach a point where it doesn't hold weight over you anymore.

    btw - a woman I dated two years ago contacted me last year, several months after we'd broken up, and asked if we could just be friends with benefits. It's not uncommon, and not gender specific. People like to be held, enjoy physical intimacy. But it sounds like it's WAY too early for that between you and soldier, if ever.

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  5. you write with passion and thoughtfulness I really am enjoying seeing how your life is unfolding post soldier

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  6. Even though I think you tend to over-analyze things, T, you've got one thing right and that is to love and not hate.

    Keep pushing the love agenda and everything will fall in place.

    Don't surrender to anything less.

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  7. T -
    You know as well as anyone else that you are one of the strongest women out there.
    Keep things in check and life will give you what you need.
    By the way... this is "the old" TC
    incognito :)

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  8. T,

    I have been reading along for a short time now, and have a few comments to make. They are not necessarily made about this blog entry, more of my collective thoughts.

    I think you are a unique individual, and your mother is lucky to have you as a daughter and vice versa (thought this after you wrote about how open you are with her). What resonates for me in your writing is the love and openeness...in what you say, how you say, what you experience and how you share it.

    I have had some of the the same thoughts you have written about, only I would not dare to bring them into the light.

    Heck...imagine my choking down the cauliflower at dinner the other night when the following happened:
    I was having a conversation with my almost 12 yr old son about the difference in values between his father and I (dad has many overnight women guests). Son said "Yes, but I have caught you using your vibrator!" Trying to appear that I did not miss a beat, and honestly at that same moment thinking how you may have handled it...I told him that yes, that may be true, but the difference is that the vibrator is personal and my body is mine and it involves only me...but sharing your body with another is not a decision to be entered into lightly nor frequently. At the moment, my mind was racing, wondering how he even knew such a thing, then I remembered the time he asked from outside my door "what is that noise mom?"

    Anyhow, still caring for the ex, being truly present in the moment with your daughters, allowing yourself the freedom of expression with Gia, being cordial and on good terms with ex husband....your perspective and approach is refreshing. Your ability to remain true...

    I wish you lived next door to me. We could chill and just simply be. I wish I could take some of your being present in your own life and transcend it into my own so that maybe one day soon I might find out what it's like to have a date again, to feel much of anything again. I wish I had half the courage and voice that you do...for I really wanna be me when I grow up, and I see that in you already!

    Thanks for allowing me to take the journey along with you.

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  9. That is a beautiful way to end a somewhat sad email.

    Seeing the positive in what he brought to you, which has made you stronger, is pretty powerful stuff T.

    Have a great weekend.

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  10. > He said he was open to still being friends or... friends with benefits.
    > Seriously?!? I was pissed.

    You're surprised as well as offended by this? That baffles me. From what I've read I would've guessed that you'd be open to this.

    I'm actually surprised that you haven't suggested it to him, and I'm surprised that you responded negatively to his offer. I suspect that he's surprised as well. But maybe we're both jerks. Or just both dudes... that seems more likely. *sigh*

    > Surely he's not reducing what we had down to just sex?!?

    Now I'm thunderstruck. I often have to struggle, but I can always eventually understand how you are able to do the things you do and not feel like you're reducing things to just sex. But when Soldier asked if you were down with friends with benefits, you feel like he's reducing what you had to just sex? I'm so lost!

    I have to side with him and back him up. :) I don't think he was at all inappropriate in mentioning what he mentioned, based on the things you've written about your relationship with him. And I don't think that it gave any kind of indication that he was reducing your relationship to just sex. *shrug*

    > That, of course from the hell he is in, he is not going to be understanding right now.
    > Yes, of course he's going to try to selfishly keep me in his life because.... he would like to have the ego (or cock) stroke that I could certainly provide (if I wanted to).

    From someone who frequently over-analyzes others: I think you're going too far in thinking that you realize what's going on with Soldier. I think that there are probably dozens of factors, and "he's upset so he doesn't get it" is probably a fairly minor one of those factors. It's also pretty convenient for you, and that's a red flag. I try hard to be cautious about believing what I want to believe about others.

    > OK, yes, I might be wrong in my assumptions and accusations.

    Okay, cool. You're theorizing and forming hypotheses. I'm lots more comfortable with that. :)

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  11. I am exactly the same - once someone has been a part of my life, they will always be a part of it.

    I don't think it shows a lack of boundaries - I've made it clear what is and isn't acceptable to me (and been called a man-hater when defending myself against lies from the boyfriend of a family member - I don't put up with that kind of crap). That doesn't mean that I can't still care about the other person, and eventually be friends with them again (if they're open to that as well).

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