Thursday, November 6, 2008

Lunch, Dinner and Using protection

I met my friend Marie for lunch today. Marie is another very good friend (I do have a few!) from WAY back when.

Marie is very protective of me. She, quite simply, always has been. I was only 21 when we met and she was 29. Today, her latest motherly advice came in regards to moving on after the end of my relationship with Soldier.

"Please, PLEASE tone yourself down around any T virgins..."

This was her way of asking me to play it cool and demure when meeting new guys. I am a bold girl. I tell it like it is. She's afraid it will frighten off any new suitors. I'm thinking I should know right up front whether or not they can handle me. Besides, I have NO interest in meeting new suitors right now.

This whole "being protective of T" is nothing new in my life. From as far back as I remember, friends have taken me under their protection and given me unwarranted advice. My guy friends in high school would worry about me when I was upset about the way my dad treated me or if I crushed on some boy who didn't know I existed. My first roommate was worried about my boyfriend (that I eventually married and was married to for 15 years) and offered much advice against him. Men I work with offer their advice and other people throughout my working adult life have decided to throw in their .02 into whatever situation I'm muddling through.

I suppose I look like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm even noticing some comments that seem to offer advice about what I should do in my current situation. I guess that comes with having a blog and putting it all out there. I don't mind. I, in fact, appreciate the love, caring support and the worrying about me. However, here's something you don't know about me:

I will do what I want anyway.

Just ask my dad. (Well, ok. So we can't do that.) You could ask the ex. He'll tell you. I'm hard-headed that way. I got it from my daddy.

The thing is, and I've learned this through my own spiritual studies, you can tell someone something over and over again.....you can even speak from your very own experience....but the person you are speaking with will not hear you. They may not hear anything but the wah wah wah of Charlie Brown's teacher.

We have to have the experience.

We have to find out on our own.

Its the only way for us to learn the lesson.

God help me to remember this when my children are going through their own life lessons...

Tonight I met with PT-Law Mom for dinner. She happened to be in town on business and I was thrilled when she asked if we could meet. I brought the kids along too. What a wonderful, confident, sexy lady she is! We hit it off immediately and could've talked for hours if it wasn't for Rose's soccer practice calling us away. I look forward to meeting her again.

She commented that I looked great and gave me a sympathetic look. Huh? Oh yeah! Its funny to meet a relative stranger and realize she knows all about the sad weekend with Soldier. As I told her more about what happened and how he felt as if he couldn't be the man he thought I needed, she gave me a wonderful observation.

"That's the thing with being a single mom. When you date, guys think that you need them more than you do. Like, its a natural instinct for a man to want to fix things."

Wow. She's right. Absolutely that's what he was doing. And yes, I think it is true about some men wanting to feel needed. I know Soldier wanted that. Ok, enough about that.

I had a few of you worried about me (being protective?) in response to my flirting post yesterday.

Don't worry. I am using protection.

I said, "I am available now"... which meant, I am single again. Is my heart available to love someone? I don't think so. I feel as if my heart has been anesthetized. My heart is protected under lock and key, for now.

I am SO not available for another relationship. I am happy just being T right now. Remember though, that I have been alone for an entire year. Soldier and I only saw each other for a month prior to our separation before his deployment. 9 months prior to that, I had a brief 2 month relationship with J. And 9 months prior to that, I separated from my husband. Its not like I've been bouncing from one guy to the next. Its just not what I do. My quest is to find ME... not see how many men I can get through.

I said, "I'm thinking its time to take on a lover".... which meant. I need sex. Nothing more, nothing less. So far, it seems to be working out just fine.

Thank you for your concern. I have learned quite a bit about life, love and loss and I will continue to do so. I hope that you all stick with me and watch as I learn these lessons, the ones you already see on my horizon, on my own.

I'm just hard-headed that way.

13 comments:

  1. I am JUST like this! It frustrates my friends - I listen, ask for advise even, and then do what I want!

    I made a bad decision a while ago and was moaning to my friend Angie and said it was cos she didnt answer my call so I didnt know what to do - she said "you would have done what you wanted anyway". TRUE!

    I knock my head, put a plaster on and knock it again!!!

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  2. I think we each intrinsically know what it takes to heal our own souls. Some of us just haven’t learned to quiet the outside world and hear our inner voice. I do believe you are one of those people who know how to do it very well. Things just take time.

    *hugs*
    ~vk~

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  3. Keep on your quest for you. You know how to navigate your desires, now it's time to navigate your life. Lol, wish I could take my own advice. Er

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  4. The best remedy is to talk it out, like you're doing on your blog.

    Good job.

    I just found you a few weeks ago but may stick around. You seem intriguingly complex!

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  5. T, you're a smart, strong chica and, of course, you know what you need best! I don't want to speak for others, but I'm pretty sure that they, like me, wrote words of caution only because we care. (And, yes, writing openly on a blog opens it up for discussion, if you allow it.)But in the end you need -- and should -- do what's right for you. No one will find fault with that.

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  6. It is a hard lesson to learn (there are lots of them) that people can hear you and all that you are saying but they don't really understand until they are ready. Just as in life - we each have a time and it won't sink through until the time is right for us... and then we wonder why we didn't see it before!! ;)

    Stay true to you T and have fun. I have no doubt that you will be safe in your journey in that I mean from disease etc. Have fun and keep listening to your soul! (And expressing it)

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  7. > I'm even noticing some comments that seem to offer advice about what I should do in my current situation. I guess that comes with having a blog and putting it all out there. I don't mind. I, in fact, appreciate the love, caring support and the worrying about me.

    Cool! :) I was hoping that's how you received the comments.

    > I will do what I want anyway.

    Perfect! That's the kind of person I don't have to worry about leaving comments for. I sometimes worry about people taking my advice too seriously. It's great that you will listen and then do what you decide to do!

    > but the person you are speaking with will not hear you.

    That's not been my primary experience, but it certainly sometimes happens. But once people learn to trust someone they typically become way more open to that person's input. I've held peoples' hands through tough stuff and watched my input be helpful. They heard me, and what's more, they internalized it and made better choices as a result.

    That's most rewarding when it's my kids, for sure.

    > We have to have the experience.
    > We have to find out on our own.
    > Its the only way for us to learn the lesson.

    I disagree in varying degrees with all 3 of these assertions. Hopefully I can do so in a non-offensive way.

    > We have to have the experience.

    Nobody has to get burned to learn how to be cautious with fire. Nobody has to have their heart shattered to learn how to avoid selfish partners. Etc.

    It's fine when we do choose to learn via pain & hardship. But the key is that we decide whether or not to learn anything. We can learn from avoiding misery, every bit as well as we can learn from suffering misery.

    Now, getting valuable experience is awesome! It's gonna happen whether or not we jump into poor decisions, or not.

    > We have to find out on our own.

    In some ways, yeah. In other ways, nope.

    I've watched friends struggle with alcoholism and drug dependency. I've watched friends pick lousy relationships and struggle through them. I've watched parents make terrible mistakes. I've done a bit of this on my own, as well... but the vast bulk of my learning came from not making the terrible mistakes. There's a cost for most mistakes, and that cost can outweigh the benefits of learning from the mistake.

    > Its the only way for us to learn the lesson.

    In my experience there are always many ways to learn every lesson. Suffering is the easiest way, generally... but it's rarely the best way.

    > I think it is true about some men wanting to feel needed.

    For sure. Many men (and women) want very badly to feel needed.

    > I feel as if my heart has been anesthetized. My heart is protected under lock and key, for now.

    Cool. :) But I've often felt the same way, and then discovered that I was madly in love with someone, and then discovered that I was just rebounding. Some people don't seem to do that, though.

    > I said, "I'm thinking its time to take on a lover".... which meant. I need sex. Nothing more, nothing less. So far, it seems to be working out just fine.

    Gotcha... I figured that. :)

    I have a different belief system about needs, and about sex. But I understand what you're saying and I'm not gonna offer any conflicting input.

    > I'm just hard-headed that way.

    I can tell. :)

    > It is a hard lesson to learn (there are lots of them) that people can hear you and all that you are saying but they don't really understand until they are ready. Just as in life - we each have a time and it won't sink through until the time is right for us... and then we wonder why we didn't see it before!! ;)


    Well said! I have experienced this so many times that it amazes me to think of about 'em all.

    Scott from iHeart

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  8. It's good to have a REAL friend. Some people have none.

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  9. What is frustrating is when friends who are NOT competent or socially savvy don't take your advice...had one of those conversations with a college friend yesterday. I think she is still stuck in her sorority days!

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  10. I say just put yourself out there. Don't hold anything back. If they can't handle the real you, then they're not right for you.

    Love the term "T virgin". Have a great weekend!

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  11. T! You are such a kindred spirit. I will listen to you with all earnestness and agree that wow, that is such wise advice...and 99.9% of the time will also do whatever the hell I want.

    I wish I could do NSA sex. I am too tender though and I usually either fall for the (emotionally unavailable) guys I sleep with, or get disgusted with them.

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  12. Even if I will do whatever I want in the end, I listen..and hear...I have so long been stuck in a cycle of trying to please everyone else that I forgot? never learned? how to do what is best for me.

    Hang in there, T, and listen to yourself. It's not bad to listen to others--just don't fall into the trap of acting to earn any commendations from others.

    Be well, T. Have a good weekend.

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