Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Relapse

If I think of the recesses of my mind... like a large home that I've built over my lifetime and each room represents friendships and relationships and moments tucked away in drawers... then I've been stuck sorting through one room in particular these last few weeks.

The Room of David.

A.K.A. Soldier

I don't feel like giving him the honor of being called Soldier on these last few minutes of Veteran's Day.

I'm hurting.

I'm angry.

I am not a vengeful, hateful or spiteful person but I am allowed this. So, I use his real name.

My mind has this fortunate/unfortunate habit of processing and processing like a super-computer until it comes up with a qualified and much analyzed answer for a question. I'm reminded of the big machines you saw on the old TV shows that would chug along until it spit out a card.

Well today, a card was spit out.

I couldn't believe what I saw. I was enjoying going through the drawers in the dressers in the Room of David. I liked finding the sweet tokens of affection and nurturing. And a giant armoire of patience!

Here and there, I started to find things that linked together. Old words spoken, times when things started to seem different... things that he said to me because, quite simply, he couldn't help but tell me everything.

And then when he could no longer tell me everything, I began to notice dead air.

I went back and retraced steps. Forwarded to the things that he said and the way he acted when he was here.

Deja Vu.

Now I know why it all looked so familiar.

I've spent today packing up the Room of David. Locking away all of those things.

Did you hear that?

That was the sound of the door slamming shut.

No chance. Once. Twice and NO MORE.

I'm done.

I'm in a bad way but I'll get over it.

Give me a few days.

I'll have locked that door and be in the main room of the house again, cleaning away the cobwebs of the present moment. This moment that I'd long forgotten.

This is where I should be.

Now.

12 comments:

  1. I feel for you at this time if you need a sholder I have a spare one

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  2. Rough business, those cards that get spit out. But fuckin' necessary.

    I'm sorry you're feeling it so hard but I know you will make it through.

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  3. It's a grieving process sweetie, and it does take some time. I always tried to remember during my "grieving", that ...

    Time + Distance = Moving On

    You're doing well. Keep your chin up.

    *hugs*

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  4. Agree with Cathouse - its neccessary to go through this! To feel the anger!!!

    You will get through it stronger brighter and more beautiful!

    Thinking of you LOTS AND LOTS!

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  5. I don't know the whole story, but you're strong, and as cliche as it sounds--time really does help.

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  6. I admired the grieving process you're going through - you're showing, and sharing, a lot of strength, courage, and resolve. Just think how great it will be when you enter into a sizzling new relationship with someone who is available to you, physically and emotionally in time and space!

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  7. I am sorry for what your going through right now. Thanks for stopping by my blog and your very kind words. Take care!

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  8. Sometimes it takes cleaning and going through all the icky stuff to get the house ready for welcome guests! Just think about the end result... and give yourself time and space to feel.

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  9. As QTMama and Dad's House put it, bravo for having the courage to grieve -- and to share it with us.

    You know we've been there. Some of us are still there. It takes a lot of strength to feel what you're feeling. You're doing a damn good job.

    And if you want to take a vacation ... you know where to find me!

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  10. What he left were those awful dust bunnies that you need to sweep up and get rid of. Sure they were a part of your favorite animal or fuzzy sweater once, but now they're a ball of grey nothingness. Take that grey nothing and toss it out.

    Better yet, you wanna burn some stuff up in effigy this weekend? Might be fun!

    Hang in there girl. You're strong and you're a fighter. Moments like this make you stronger.

    kk

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  11. You're clearing out the old to make way for the new - and anger is a necessary part of the process. Take care of the anger, let yourself feel it, and it will pass.

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  12. Sent you a package today. Try the lavender one first. Hope you can fully feel the anger and then move into tranquility.

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Thank you for leaving me some comment love!