Friday, November 28, 2008

Relationship beliefs continued...

In continuing my realizations on relationships and monogamy, I've had a few more revelations. (Pardon my random flow of thoughts...)

Based on the Mr Unavailable book that I am reading, I have learned that if I keep choosing the wrong men, I'm going to suspect that they will cheat because I will always wonder if they love me.

If I choose the right man then I'll be fine. I could actually be with a man who adores me.

I'm sure that sounds funny but it seems my choices have always been "unavailable" men. I also know that I have been afraid, in the past, to be with men who adore me. I didn't trust it. I always had the nagging question in my mind:

What if they see my flaws? The flaws I try so hard to hide?

It just didn't feel right if I didn't have to work hard for that love.

I am learning to be OK about choosing an available man who adores me. I am learning to adore me!

I don't need to be afraid for a man to see me as who I am and I don't need to hide flaws that I perceive in myself. I am my own worst critic.


Someone told me that I still have "oats to sow".


I'm really only sowing oats because I'm not in a committed relationship.

I truly believe that is what I want.

But with a really kinky guy!


I see Soldier in both of the above revelations. I think he is exactly the same. I think many of us are.


My brother and my friend Gem dated briefly. My brother doesn't live here and he's a bit of a player. Gem started to really fall for him and checked herself. She told him that she wasn't interested in pursuing anything with him.

He's acting devastated.

"She's just being a woman." he said to me today.

Hmmm... I'm reminded of Soldier's frequent comments like this. And I'm remembering his telling me, "Its every man for himself" in the dating world.

My brother is so very similar to Soldier. Both of these guys are loving, sensitive and exude sexuality. Women are drawn to them (without even trying!). And both Soldier and my brother have dated many women at once. They're both afraid of being alone so they usually have a backup plan.

Both of them have openly admitted that previous statement to me. Both of them also admit that they want to settle down... eventually. With the "right" girl.

Then there are we, of the opposite sex, who say the same things about men. And I too, have talked about backup plans.

What the hell?!?

How are we ever supposed to come together in an amazing relationship when we come from such cynicism and fear?

Gem backed off because she didn't trust my brother, she didn't want to become part of his harem and she didn't want to involve herself too deeply because he doesn't live locally.

Why are those bad reasons? Why does that give him reason to roll his eyes when I talk about her? Does he not understand her fears? Could he not respond to her fears in a loving way?

I understand that we're all afraid of being hurt again. I understand that some of us come from a place of hurt when we enter in a new relationship.

Do any of us ever take the time to heal?

Does time truly heal or does our memory simply fade until we're back in the same place again, but this time with another person?

Do any of us have faith in love after all?


My spiritual studies say that all of our actions come from one of two beliefs: Fear or Love.

A Course in Miracles says, there is no fear. Only love or a call for love. Both of which have the same response: Love


When I combine these thoughts, from my book, my brother, and my relationships, with my current spiritual studies, I need to choose men or move into a relationship based on love and not fear.

I need to choose the right voice to listen to!

There have been so many times that I will begin to crave Soldier. Absolutely crave contact from him. It feels like a sharp ache in my chest. It is then that I ask myself:

Is that ache love? Or need? Do you feel that need based on your identification as his girl for so long? Or do you feel some sort of lack? A fear of not finding anything else?

I should come from a place of wholeness when meeting a man or entering a relationship, not a belief in lack.

A belief in lack will cause me to see something that I want to see. To create something that isn't there. To cling with hope instead of realizing... this isn't the one.

I need to be present when meeting a man or entering a relationship, not wishing for a future or dwelling on the past.


Its time to let the past go. Time to be here now. And remember that love is never lacking.

"Nothing real can be threatened.
~ A Course in Miracles"

Everything else is drama, ego, a belief in lack. Completely unreal.

"Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.
~A Course in Miracles"

That my choice is to forgive.

"To forgive is merely to remember only the loving thoughts you gave in the past, and those that were given you. All the rest must be forgotten.
~ A Course in Miracles"

And then I find peace again.

Its helpful for me. I hope I can hold on to the peace even longer and longer each time. Well, that's the goal, isn't it?

For more helpful reading about Monogamy and Preventing affairs, I also recommend Peggy Vaughn's The Monogamy Myth and her book Preventing Affairs.


  1. Hmmmmmmmmmm
    I got nuttin tonight, but since I read it all I figured I'd comment!
    It seems everytime folks talk about love between non kin folks somebody ends up crying and puking and such. So I don't understand why folks seem to want it?!

    Hope your weekend is excellent.

  2. I have said it before but you are writing about my life!

    This is me T!!! And you put it into words so perfectly!!

  3. again the other side of the fence your insight is absorbing me lol

  4. because of you I started reading this book. I stumbled on the webpage baggagereclaim months ago and was shocked by the realization that I am actually unavailable . . now because of your newfound insights, I too am reading. Thanks T

  5. There's nothing better than a committed relationship where the sex is great. And there's nothing wrong with having a kinky partner!

  6. You're learning yourself really well T. And a few of us here too. *hugs*

  7. The tough part is finding someone who is honest.

    Hey, babe ~ go read my Give a Man an Inch blog and tell me what you think of my current post. :)

  8. I have been in the same boat... dealing with all the "scenarios" and wondering about choosing men constantly that are unavailable. It used to be I would fall for a guy that lived too far away knowing I couldn't move, nor could he. When I eliminated dating long distance, now it seems I fall for a "McDreamy" nearby but still on the heels of ending his marriage... so also unavailable. I do it over and over, even when I try not to! So I am debating these same thoughts and need to do my own research I guess... dive in... let me know if you come up with a solution for us. :O)

  9. I think I might've commented about sowing oats.

    > I'm really only sowing oats because I'm not in a committed relationship.

    That's a pretty good explanation! I think sowing oats between relationships isn't a terrible thing.

    Sowing oats right after a committed relationship... not so sure about that. I know that for me this has always made things harder. It's tough to pack new bags while still carrying baggage from the previous trip. At least for me it is.

    > Do any of us ever take the time to heal?

    I did! :) Almost 3 years. It wasn't much fun but it was really awesome. Part of the time was healing from the failed marriage, but most of the time was to heal from my own personal wounds that have seeped into every relationship I've ever had.

    > Does time truly heal or does our memory simply fade until we're back in the same place again, but this time with another person?

    What a scary question. I met a girl over the holiday and things are trucking along quite rapidly. I'm not sure how much impact comes from finally getting back into bed after almost 3 years of dating only my hand. I sure hope that time truly heals, and I'm in a better place with my new romance. But I'll have to wait for the luxury of hindsight.

    Until then I intend to fuck like a bunny rabbit.

    Hm, that's not accurate at all. We're not fucking. We sometimes have sex. But mostly we make love, which is really cool since I can count our nights together on the fingers of one recently-relieved-of-romance-duty hand.

    > Do any of us have faith in love after all?

    Yes! Love is so real. Surely we've all seen the wrinkled old couple that see in one another the perfect partner. Couples like that are my primary proof that romantic love is powerful and passionately real.

    I don't think it's found, though. I fully believe that love like that is made over years, painfully and with great effort and sacrifice. But I also believe that nothing is more worthy of that kind of effort.

    > My spiritual studies say that all of our actions come from one of two beliefs: Fear or Love.

    Wow, how awesome. I have pieced together the same conclusion from all kinds of different sources. It's encouraging to hear that other folks have reached the same conclusion.


Thank you for leaving me some comment love!