Based on the Mr Unavailable book that I am reading, I have learned that if I keep choosing the wrong men, I'm going to suspect that they will cheat because I will always wonder if they love me.
If I choose the right man then I'll be fine. I could actually be with a man who adores me.
I'm sure that sounds funny but it seems my choices have always been "unavailable" men. I also know that I have been afraid, in the past, to be with men who adore me. I didn't trust it. I always had the nagging question in my mind:
What if they see my flaws? The flaws I try so hard to hide?
It just didn't feel right if I didn't have to work hard for that love.
I am learning to be OK about choosing an available man who adores me. I am learning to adore me!
I don't need to be afraid for a man to see me as who I am and I don't need to hide flaws that I perceive in myself. I am my own worst critic.
Someone told me that I still have "oats to sow".
I'm really only sowing oats because I'm not in a committed relationship.
I truly believe that is what I want.
But with a really kinky guy!
I see Soldier in both of the above revelations. I think he is exactly the same. I think many of us are.
My brother and my friend Gem dated briefly. My brother doesn't live here and he's a bit of a player. Gem started to really fall for him and checked herself. She told him that she wasn't interested in pursuing anything with him.
He's acting devastated.
"She's just being a woman." he said to me today.
Hmmm... I'm reminded of Soldier's frequent comments like this. And I'm remembering his telling me, "Its every man for himself" in the dating world.
My brother is so very similar to Soldier. Both of these guys are loving, sensitive and exude sexuality. Women are drawn to them (without even trying!). And both Soldier and my brother have dated many women at once. They're both afraid of being alone so they usually have a backup plan.
Both of them have openly admitted that previous statement to me. Both of them also admit that they want to settle down... eventually. With the "right" girl.
Then there are we, of the opposite sex, who say the same things about men. And I too, have talked about backup plans.
What the hell?!?
How are we ever supposed to come together in an amazing relationship when we come from such cynicism and fear?
Gem backed off because she didn't trust my brother, she didn't want to become part of his harem and she didn't want to involve herself too deeply because he doesn't live locally.
Why are those bad reasons? Why does that give him reason to roll his eyes when I talk about her? Does he not understand her fears? Could he not respond to her fears in a loving way?
I understand that we're all afraid of being hurt again. I understand that some of us come from a place of hurt when we enter in a new relationship.
Do any of us ever take the time to heal?
Does time truly heal or does our memory simply fade until we're back in the same place again, but this time with another person?
Do any of us have faith in love after all?
My spiritual studies say that all of our actions come from one of two beliefs: Fear or Love.
A Course in Miracles says, there is no fear. Only love or a call for love. Both of which have the same response: Love
When I combine these thoughts, from my book, my brother, and my relationships, with my current spiritual studies, I need to choose men or move into a relationship based on love and not fear.
I need to choose the right voice to listen to!
There have been so many times that I will begin to crave Soldier. Absolutely crave contact from him. It feels like a sharp ache in my chest. It is then that I ask myself:
Is that ache love? Or need? Do you feel that need based on your identification as his girl for so long? Or do you feel some sort of lack? A fear of not finding anything else?
I should come from a place of wholeness when meeting a man or entering a relationship, not a belief in lack.
A belief in lack will cause me to see something that I want to see. To create something that isn't there. To cling with hope instead of realizing... this isn't the one.
I need to be present when meeting a man or entering a relationship, not wishing for a future or dwelling on the past.
Its time to let the past go. Time to be here now. And remember that love is never lacking.
"Nothing real can be threatened.
~ A Course in Miracles"
Everything else is drama, ego, a belief in lack. Completely unreal.
"Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.
~A Course in Miracles"
That my choice is to forgive.
"To forgive is merely to remember only the loving thoughts you gave in the past, and those that were given you. All the rest must be forgotten.
~ A Course in Miracles"
And then I find peace again.
Its helpful for me. I hope I can hold on to the peace even longer and longer each time. Well, that's the goal, isn't it?
For more helpful reading about Monogamy and Preventing affairs, I also recommend Peggy Vaughn's The Monogamy Myth and her book Preventing Affairs.