I have an underlying belief that I need to admit to myself:
I'm convinced that all men cheat.
Actually, I'm pretty darn convinced that all women will more than likely cheat too.
My grandfather cheated on my grandmother. My mom cheated on my dad. My dad cheated on my mom. I cheated on my husband. He cheated on me.
I can even think of at least 3 married men, off the top of my head, that are have recently expressed interest in having sex with me! Sheesh.
Is monogamy even attainable or is it just one of those fantastic beliefs that I need to let go of?
The book that I am reading is asking me to reexamine my beliefs about men, love and relationships. She goes on about my relationship with my father (which I have examined for many years) and then about my expectations of relationships.
I know that if I go into another relationship with this belief, I know it is what I will find. A self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will. Hmmmm.... how to let this go?
The thing is, I am not really even surprised if it happens. It seems so obvious to me that monogamy doesn't last long.
I remember when my innocence about this topic was shattered. I was 6, maybe 7, and being quite the intuitive child like my Rose, I knew about my mother's affair with my father's best friend before she began taking me on outings with him. I can still remember how he looked at her behind my dad's back.... I knew it wasn't right.
Soldier and I had this conversation last fall. He was apologizing for being so cynical about relationships surviving a deployment.
"That's ok," I told him, "If I were to show you all of my cynicism... I would fully expect that you will cheat on me."
He looked surprised. And that's when we had the discussion about what would happen should I or he be approached during the deployment for sex. I didn't promise him I wouldn't partake. And I knew he most certainly would since he would have been denied for so long. Maybe that's why I didn't react when he admitted to me that he would be looking to have sex with many different women upon his return from Iraq.
Maybe I've convinced myself that I have to be open to it. Open to the possibility of the man I'm with not being true to me. Then there's the possibility that I may not be true either. Maybe it allows me to not fully commit. If I don't fully commit, then maybe it won't hurt so bad?
Maybe that's why I'm so intrigued with this (something the ex and I discussed as well) and this and I could totally see this and I've already delved into this. Maybe if I'm open-minded to it, maybe it won't seem so intriguing to the man I'm with. Or maybe it will and he'll be honest with me about it and share it with me, should the need arise? And I could have some extra fun too?
Then I'm torn because I'm also a mother to two little girls. I want them to have a healthy male role model in their lives. One who is physically present... not just one night a week and every other weekend. I think that maybe sometimes I do want to get married and have a normal husband/wife life again.
Was my married life normal? He was gone all the time and I was... lonely.
I went out with a guy once, an old friend, who openly admitted to me that he didn't believe in monogamy. I thought I agreed with him. By the end of the date, however, I admitted to myself that perhaps I should look for someone who at least believes in it. At least then, I'd know he'd give it the ol' college try. That guy I went out with? We only went on one date as he was eying up other girls right in front of me all night.
I don't think my grandfather, mom, dad, or my husband went out looking for another relationship or affair. I know from personal experience that I didn't. Temptation was there and... my relationship was in such a state that my resistance to it was... not strong enough. I did believe in monogamy at that point. And my husband during his affair? He couldn't handle how he felt about himself during and after his affair. So, he believed in it as well. Soldier? I think he's just damn scared of a true relationship. I don't think he trusts that he's worth it at all.
Which begs the question:
I wonder if my belief goes deeper. Maybe I have a belief in not being good enough or satisfactory enough and so... I have to try to be open to being everything instead? Could I let that go?
And would I be satisfied in a monogamous relationship if I stopped believing that the man I was with should be my everything?
Perhaps I should try to be everything to myself first.
There is more work to be done with this belief. I need to decide what it is I truly want.
I'm a kinky girl, I'll admit it. But hmmm.....Further examinations and realizations to follow, I'm sure.