I am not only on a spiritual journey for my soul but also a sexual journey for my body.
Someone said to me about my blog, "This is so interesting because I think most people think you can't be both sexual and spiritual."
I, too, have had that problem. It first occurred to me that I craved both the physical and the spiritual shortly after my 160 mile bike ride for charity back in May. Even though it was a seemingly physical feat to go 160 miles on a bike, during the ride I realized that I used my mental fortitude and spiritual strength to get me through it. I think that's when I connected the two.
I knew all about the body/mind/spirit connection from practicing yoga for many years. Still, I knew many yogis (including my best friend and yoga teacher, De) who deny their bodies because others see them as spiritual teachers. Yet, the irony is that yoga teaches us about how the mind and spirit affect the body. Even in Kundalini and Tantric yoga styles, the connection is made between the spirit and our sexual natures.
I wonder if the disconnect comes, not from spirituality, but from the shame brought about by some ancient-thinking organized religions. Somewhere along the way, we were taught that our bodies were places of evil and that we certainly couldn't embrace our natural sexual selves lest we be deemed to hell. Jesus didn't have sex so we shouldn't either.
I think we also tend to deny our spirits as well. We treat ourselves as human doings rather than human beings. We live so lost in yesterdays and tomorrows that we never stop to just see the perfection of this moment.
To me, that is the biggest shame of all.
Haven't we learned by now that to deny our bodies, to prohibit something that we, by our very nature, want, we only end up worshiping it? Or we make it something we should feel guilty about and carry around even more shame?
And when we deny the truth of who we are, we actually end up feeling more separate and alone and in the very hell we were trying to avoid?
Can we have a healthy relationship with sex?
Can we have a healthy relationship with our True Self?
(I am not purposely bashing religion. I find that we all have our own paths towards the same truth. This is simply my path and my experience.)
My heart is healing and feeling whole again. My spirit was never broken. Challenged to grow? Oh most definitely. And I am smiling and shining from such a depth of joy that I can't remember feeling in quite a while.
My body, also, is finding much health and strength again. I had to purge the experience of being submissive in the poem I wrote over the weekend called Master and Slave. I have never been submissive in the sexual sense before. Even when I was just experiencing the opening of my virginal doors, I already knew what turned me on. I wanted to take control. And the men in my life, before Soldier, allowed me just that.
Now that I've experienced that, I don't mind trying it again. However hopefully the next time there can be a balance between dominating and submitting. Both in the bedroom and outside of it.
I'm also craving sex again. I'm finding that when I do masturbate lately, I don't seem to have enough hands to touch myself in all the places that want pleasuring.
My spirit is growing. My body is learning.
The book I'm reading says that girls like me equate sex with emotional connection.
Doesn't this explain why?
Does this explain my crying orgasms?
Or does it stem from the once virginal belief that the man I would have sex with would be "the one"?
We think that a big dick or mind-blowing sex means that we're really connected and meant for each other. Maybe we are? Maybe we aren't? Maybe we just are in that very moment. In the moment of Now. Isn't that the only moment that matters?
I'm reminded of the opportunities I had for sex with other men during the year of Soldier's deployment. I would turn them down thinking that I should save myself for him...
Now I'm realizing I should save myself for me.
What a wonderful turn around! I'm not saying that I shouldn't have sex but I should be totally aware of me and what I'm doing/learning in the experience. Not planning a wedding with the guy.
Still, I wonder.... surely there's a man made just for me. A man who has some substance behind the penis. Some spirituality behind the sex.
Because that's the man that would be nearly perfect for me.
"Life must be understood backwards; but... it must be lived forward."