Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Hauntings

Saturday night, my brother and I rented some movies to watch in my sister's home theatre room. One of the movies we watched was The Number 23 - a Jim Carrey film. (I love that his movies are either light and silly or dark and twisted. This one's pretty dark.)

A cool featurette on the DVD was a section on numerology. According to the dates of my birth, my number is a 2. She said as a two, I am forgiving, loving and always wanting to help others. (true) Then she said that people who are 2's will get angry if pushed into a corner, but then subsequently feel bad for getting angry.

Oh my goodness! That is SO me!!

I wrote recently about how my friends have told me to be "strong" and blatantly cut people out of my life who've hurt me (a.k.a. Soldier) but I simply can't do it. I am too forgiving.

I suppose on a strictly human level, in the dating game, it appears as weakness. I like to think on a spiritual level, it is viewed as strength.

After watching this movie, I didn't sleep well. I was being haunted by Soldier. I had such a nagging feeling that I should contact him. I know... my friends would all be appalled that I would dare give him the time of day... but it was killing me.

Monday morning, I went to work exhausted after waking from dreams of him. I literally felt as if I was running all night long. When I was home for lunch on Monday, it finally arrived!

The package he'd sent me a month ago!

Included in the package were the sexy DVDs I'd made him, some stuffed animals for my girls and a really thoughtful thank you card for me. In the card, he was so loving and appreciative of everything I did for him during our weekend together.

I was an emotional mess.

When I returned to my office, I immediately typed him an email. I told him that I'd just received the box. I also kept it light with stories of our Thanksgiving holiday, updates on the kids and a few light anecdotes. I ended the email stating that I missed our friendship and his playfulness.

He responded today. In the email, he was his old self - silly, playful and flirtatious.

Whew!!

I don't quite understand it but to me, that is all that I needed to move forward. I only needed to know that we were OK and that our friendship was still intact.

Yes, I flirted right back. I'm certainly more guarded and light about it now. I have the clarity of these past few months to know that I need more than what he was offering me.

Still, I will play because its fun. But I will not promise him anything. I will not set myself up again. I am enjoying my time now. Besides, I've had fun in my recent explorations lately.

Ya know, come to think of it... I am usually haunted when I have any sort of falling out with friends. My body, mind and soul cannot handle it. I have to have some sort of resolution.

Now I realize, I am still haunted by someone else that I hurt badly about 10 years ago during my affair. I actually have dreams about her once a month or so. And I hear that she dreams of me too.

I guess I'm not made to cut people out of my life.

That's OK. Its easier to just be me.

14 comments:

  1. you are such a wonderfull person T you see the best in all of us I truly love reading your blog its uplifting

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  2. I am so glad to hear there's some resolution and peace beginning now between you and soldier, after everything.

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  3. It is easier to just be you, isn't it? Good for YOU!!

    I wish I could be more like that rather than so incredibly black-and-white, all-or-nothing. I invest too much emotion, so it's easiest for me to just have a clean break and never look back.

    I'm proud of you--and happy for you. Be well, T.

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  4. *hugs*

    Glad things are better for you now.

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  5. Closure is normal. I had a BFF and we had a huge falling out and for years I would dream of her. She finally contacted me and she had always dreamt of me too. Our dreams were the same. We both wanted peace between us and to know we were okay.

    Great Blog T. Was the movie good?

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  6. Here's something a former girlfriend taught me about breakups, which I've been trying out - Forgiveness encourages attachment. If you forgive someone, you are in a way judging them, but then saying it's okay. If you don't forgive them, you might feel guilt or anger. Either way, you are directing charged feelings toward that person, attaching your emotions and thoughts to them.

    If instead you feel compassion for others, you can feel that for anyone and everyone without attachment. That doesn't mean you don't care! It just means you focus on what you are sending, rather than the result. (Or something like that - I'm not being the most articulate here. I need more coffee!)

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  7. Amen! I'm in complete agreement with you Dadshouse.

    That's what I do. I try not to look at their actions but instead on the love or fear/call for love behind the actions. I try to react with love because... I think that is where TRUE FORGIVENESS lies.

    I only want to send love. That's the goal.

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  8. I need to work on what Dad's House is saying, I think.

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  9. I can be haunted as well. For me it is about finding acceptance - remembering that they are their own person. Compassion can work wonders too!

    Being yourself is awesome T ... because you are awesome!

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  10. I'm way too forgiving, because I'm always like "In the big picture, does it really matter?"

    *sigh* Some of us just aren't meant to hold grudges.

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  11. I hear you, T. It's so challenging for me to move on, too, and I often feel haunted.

    But Dad's House has been helping me, too. He has offered this nugget about forgiveness to me months ago... and it's working!

    When I keep going back to someone who has hurt me, I'm clearly opening myself up to being hurt again... Are you reading between the lines here?

    xoxo

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  12. I'm VERY much like you in this respect. Sometimes it's not easy being the "nice/seeing in shades of gray" one, but I don't know how else to be! Life's too short for negative emotion in most cases, in my opinion, and it gives me a sense of peace to forgive, wish the person well and move on -- although I HAVE had a habit of dwelling on the "I don't understand why he/she behaved that way." Learning to control that - because it doesn't matter; the end result is the same. Anyway, I think it can hurt you more than the person YOU want to hurt in retaliation or response.

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  13. What can I add to such insightful comments? I don't know as much of the history between you and soldier, only that he broke your heart and you're trying to make peace with yourself and with him. I too, cannot stand a falling out with anyone...and those unresolved conflicts still bring up sadness.

    It takes a lot of strength to be compassionate. To know when to stay in relationship with someone (as friends, lovers, etc) and when to move on. I for sure don't have any of the answers!

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  14. Oh T!!! I get this "I just needed to know we were ok"

    Its me too and I also tried to fight it but I cant!

    So follow your heart and keep listening to that little voice inside you - its never wrong!

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