Saturday night, my brother and I rented some movies to watch in my sister's home theatre room. One of the movies we watched was The Number 23 - a Jim Carrey film. (I love that his movies are either light and silly or dark and twisted. This one's pretty dark.)
A cool featurette on the DVD was a section on numerology. According to the dates of my birth, my number is a 2. She said as a two, I am forgiving, loving and always wanting to help others. (true) Then she said that people who are 2's will get angry if pushed into a corner, but then subsequently feel bad for getting angry.
Oh my goodness! That is SO me!!
I wrote recently about how my friends have told me to be "strong" and blatantly cut people out of my life who've hurt me (a.k.a. Soldier) but I simply can't do it. I am too forgiving.
I suppose on a strictly human level, in the dating game, it appears as weakness. I like to think on a spiritual level, it is viewed as strength.
After watching this movie, I didn't sleep well. I was being haunted by Soldier. I had such a nagging feeling that I should contact him. I know... my friends would all be appalled that I would dare give him the time of day... but it was killing me.
Monday morning, I went to work exhausted after waking from dreams of him. I literally felt as if I was running all night long. When I was home for lunch on Monday, it finally arrived!
The package he'd sent me a month ago!
Included in the package were the sexy DVDs I'd made him, some stuffed animals for my girls and a really thoughtful thank you card for me. In the card, he was so loving and appreciative of everything I did for him during our weekend together.
I was an emotional mess.
When I returned to my office, I immediately typed him an email. I told him that I'd just received the box. I also kept it light with stories of our Thanksgiving holiday, updates on the kids and a few light anecdotes. I ended the email stating that I missed our friendship and his playfulness.
He responded today. In the email, he was his old self - silly, playful and flirtatious.
I don't quite understand it but to me, that is all that I needed to move forward. I only needed to know that we were OK and that our friendship was still intact.
Yes, I flirted right back. I'm certainly more guarded and light about it now. I have the clarity of these past few months to know that I need more than what he was offering me.
Still, I will play because its fun. But I will not promise him anything. I will not set myself up again. I am enjoying my time now. Besides, I've had fun in my recent explorations lately.
Ya know, come to think of it... I am usually haunted when I have any sort of falling out with friends. My body, mind and soul cannot handle it. I have to have some sort of resolution.
Now I realize, I am still haunted by someone else that I hurt badly about 10 years ago during my affair. I actually have dreams about her once a month or so. And I hear that she dreams of me too.
I guess I'm not made to cut people out of my life.
That's OK. Its easier to just be me.