One morning last week, I broke down into all out sobs about Soldier. It came unexpectedly and from way down deep.
How does that make YOU feel? Angry? Irritated? Sad?
Because in my experience,
Most people turn away from pain.
This is something I've noticed my entire life. I have always felt emotion, uncontrollable emotion, at things in life.
These can be beautiful things...
I am the one who will tear up at the end of the national anthem.
I cry when I see my daughters express complete love for each other.
Or sad things...
My dad would get angry at me every Easter when I chose to watch the Jesus movie... and I'd be a blubbering mess at the end.
Even my ex-husband would frequently get irritated at my complete comfort and openness with emotion.
Why is it a bad thing exactly?
Many of my friends and family don't want me to talk about Soldier anymore. Everyone's acting as if I should be over it.
Why? I felt the love so very deeply. What is wrong with my feeling the loss the same way?
What I've learned about myself and my emotions is that the longer I deny them, the longer they stay around. Once I decide to sit with it, accept it and allow it, then I am able to let it go.
What you resist, persists.
I actually learned that in yoga, of all places. If I fight the pose, my muscles will tense up and cause more pain. If I accept it, allow it, relax into it... then my muscles actually find comfort in the pose (albeit briefly, depending on the asana, of course).
I feel really good about my healing. Yes, it is a bit awkward trying to find a new normal as his friend... especially when he acts like nothing has changed. But I have. I am so aware of the change in me that I'm not quite sure how to react to him anymore. I will not force it or deny it. Again, I think acceptance is key. I've done this work before and with my ex-husband, I had to actually be in his physical presence and heal. I think Soldier's being far away in Iraq may be a blessing for me.
Sometimes, instead of seeing the truth of each other, we only see our own wounds. Those wounds are nothing more than a veil that needs to be lifted so we can see each other more clearly and with love. But unfortunately, the veil can only be removed after we see those wounds and feel that pain. Acknowledge it and let it go. We've put the veil there to protect ourselves but I believe it really does all of us more harm than good.
So, for the first time in such a very long time, I am allowing myself this. If I feel pain, I will post about it... because it is my pain. If it hurts you, maybe it's your pain too. Maybe you still feel the pain of loss too and that's OK. Allow yourself to feel. It's not so bad. The really good news is that it is only temporary.
"If you are going through hell, keep going."