I've noticed a few times in the past month that there is no angel or star or ribbon on the top of my Christmas tree. I've questioned it and then forgotten about it.
Sometimes I considered it as a symbol of my busyness and would tell myself that I'd pick something up the next time I was at the store.
Other times, I realized it was a symbol of a much bigger dilemma.
It feels like something's missing in my life.
I'm still not sure either answer is correct.
I don't know. Life just seems.... weird right now. I suppose I'm feeling a bit in limbo or something. I can't exactly put my finger on it.
Maybe it's because I'm still at work.
- I look forward to simply sitting with my family, talking, laughing and enjoying each other. This is the second year in a row that I've actually worked the week of Christmas. I would normally take the entire week off.
Maybe it's the feeling of even more responsibility to please people than I normally feel.
- I tend to get overwhelmed when too many people require something of me. Part of me wonders if we could just be together for Christmas, without the expectation of giving or receiving material things, then perhaps I would feel more of a sense of peace and harmony. I still get weepy when I ponder the true meaning of Christmas. The true gift is what I'd rather be celebrating.
Maybe it's a case of the winter doldrums.
- The weather is perfect for snuggling! Its cold and dreary. I miss cycling. I have barely even been on my bike trainer or treadmill in the past few weeks, instead relying on yoga to keep my body strong. I'm eating soups when I'd much rather have a cooling salad or citrus fruits. Perhaps Ayurvedically, my body doesn't respond well to winter.
Maybe it's a sense of loneliness.
- I rely on my friends so much and presently, everyone is out of town or in deep hibernation with their families. These times seem to emphasize my 'singleness' more than others.
Maybe it's because so many of my family and friends are fighting their own battles right now.
- I feel helpless to many of those I love. So many of my friends are feeling off this holiday season. Is it the economy? I feel most especially for my mother, whose husband is recovering from major heart surgery and still withering down to nothing. Not to mention the fact that she has no insurance to pay for all of the required medical attention to keep him alive.
Maybe I'm still mourning.
- The trip back home brought back lots of memories of my father. And Soldier. I was also taken aback when one of our mutual high school friends told me that he received his Christmas card from Soldier last week. Soldier apparently said that maybe he and I would still be visiting this friend in Chicago this summer. Really? This is news to me.
What does that mean exactly?
Should I be excited that he still wants to be with me? Or assume that its just a "friends" thing?
Then I get angry that he is deciding these things without saying anything to me or asking my input. Then ultimately, I am frustrated with myself for thinking that he has the power to decide what happens between us. I know that in the end, it is up to me. It does take two. Still at this time, he is my kryptonite.
Maybe it's because I feel like a bad mother.
- The ex is taking the kids tonight and I am so thankful.
Shouldn't I want to spend this time with my children? Revel in their excitement about an impending visit from Santa?! (Who finished his Christmas shopping finally... whew!)
Instead, I look forward to having the evening to myself. To snuggle up in my warm blanket and cry. How sad is that?
I've had this feeling before during the holidays, but only after the ex and I separated. I also remember realizing that this is a time for me to trust and have faith.
One of my favorite sections in A Course in Miracles recalls the Characteristics of God's Teachers. (We are all God's teachers, according to ACIM and my personal beliefs.)
The first of these characteristics is trust or faith. I struggle sometimes with the letting go, allowing and acceptance that comes with this trust. I am aware of my struggle so clearly in this time. I know that this is a period of unsettling - a time when I realize that I know too much to look to the external to satisfy my longing but too afraid to look inside for my own peace, love and joy.
I hope to release that fear, learn to trust and walk with confidence into the new year.
Maybe after Christmas, an angel will appear to me to remind me that my life is never lacking. That angel would be perfect for the top of next year's Christmas tree.