I still haven't heard back from my soldier. This shouldn't be a big surprise since his email correspondence began to taper with the start of the weekend. He could very easily be out on a mission or something much more important than dealing with my neediness. Yet, because of our misunderstanding and my emotional firestorm, I feel that the lack of communication has something to do with me. Pretty self-centered, aren't I?
He called on Sunday afternoon and we had a wonderful long conversation. Even that left me feeling upset. I'm realizing that I expect him to act or not act a certain way. And this is only due to my past experience with my ex. Those expectations screw me every time! (Another darn dragon on this quest. Or perhaps just a wrong turn in the labyrinth?)
Yeah, its definitely my problem. I get it. "There's strong, and then there's Army strong". I haven't made it to that "Army Strong" status yet. What kind of basic training do they offer for Army girlfriends anyway?
I just registered for a 2-day/150 mile bike race in early May. Yikes! What the hell am I thinking? I keep telling myself that I can do this. I have lots of support and plenty of time to train. I know I can. I know I can. I know I can. Still... wow.
Then I got an offer on my house yesterday. This is good news as my house has been on the market for nearly 2 years. Once it sells and I can move into my own comfortably affordable home, divorce papers will be filed. I can finally be a free, independent woman. Woohoo!
Ok...why am I so terrified? I have to find a new place to live in the next month. I should be thrilled and excited! Instead, I was completely broken down last night on the phone with my ex. It has been 16 years since I've been on my own. He said, "You've been on your own this whole time - for 2 years now!"
But I've still depended on him financially and to help out with things around the house. Ever the supportive friend, even as an ex, he said, "I'm not going away. I'm still here to help you."
Therefore, I've decided today to stop this silly whining and look at the bright side!
How can I complain when I have:
- The sweetest, hottest and most loving man diggin' me from the other side of the world.
- A wonderful friend that I will soon legally call "ex" who is still so good to me and my girls.
- A great job with much support, love and understanding from my co-workers. And a really easy commute!
- Two beautiful, healthy and amazing little girls who want nothing more than to see me smiling and happy.
- A healthy, strong body that is getting stronger all the time. All the goals that I am setting, I am accomplishing!
- Lots of friends, new and old, who care about me, pray for me, send me love and support me throughout anything I am going through.
- A family that is close enough to help me with my children. My children benefit from this as well with their cousins as best friends.
- The opportunity to continue my spiritual quest through my A Course in Miracles study groups, my blogging and constant awareness of the lessons in my life.
Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.
~Henry Ward Beecher