Sunday, August 31, 2008

Token


She runs from the car
"Mommy! Look what I have for you!"
"Its a bookmark!" she says.
Thank you! How sweet.

But the story goes on...
"I earn stars at school for being good.
After you earn 10 stars, you get to choose
Something special from the Treasure Box."

Its only been 1 week
You've earned 10 stars?
You choose a treasure
And you chose it for me?

How can I use this beaded cord
As a bookmark when
So much love was felt
When choosing it?

How can I see you
As anything but amazing
That, at age 6,
You put me first?

I will use this bookmark
As a bookmark in your life,
A token to remind me
Of your selflessness.

You, my sweet child,
Have the biggest heart
Of anyone, child or adult,
That I have ever encountered.

You are the treasure I chose
Somehow after earning the perfect amount of stars.
You are the blessing in my life.
Thank you for being sweet wonderful you.

"Oh, Mommy," she says,
"You make me feel like I could cry."
And her humility
Melts my heart even more.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Guilt-ridden Endings and Scary Beginnings

We interrupt this love story for an intermission, recess or half-time (for all you football fans out there)...

I have a very close friend who is going through hell. Most of us have been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Her husband had an affair. He says the affair is over and he says he wants to act like it never happened. He doesn't even acknowledge that anything happened more than one time (though hard evidence proves otherwise). He is insulting to her and she is extremely unforgiving to him, and always has been. Is there hope?

I know someone else whose husband just looked at her last fall and said, "I don't love you anymore."

He actually packed up his things and left her this weekend, along with their children.

An affair, perhaps? I don't know enough about them or her to comment. I do know that no one ever thought they wouldn't be together.

(People said the same thing about my marriage. It doesn't make you feel any better to hear that, by the way.)

I have a co-worker whose wife was seriously damaged during the birth of their twin daughters 7 years ago. He has been by her side and raised their children with the help of family, while she was basically bedridden and in and out of various hospitals. She is finally able to spend more time up and about. He is happy for her. However in the meantime, he has fallen out of love with her and is now having an affair. He is torn. He thinks he should divorce her but she is begging him not too, asking for another chance. He doesn't want the guilt on his hands, should he decide to leave.

The purpose of this post is not to man-bash or stir up anger or even generalize men. Or women. I promise. I am only speaking from what I've seen thus far in my life.

Ok now to the point:

In my experience, it seems that we don't want to talk about the unhappiness in our marriages. Maybe we aren't aware of our unhappiness or discontent until something seemingly better comes along? And then, do we make a decision to leave everything behind or stay? Is it too late after that?

Is it just that we do not know how to communicate to each other? Maybe, as women, we don't understand the way that men communicate their discontent to us? Maybe we think that we're doing everything we can to make them happy... why aren't they happy? Why don't they make us happy?

Are we communicating our discontent to them in any productive way other than nagging and being overly emotional?

I understand that no one can *make* you feel anything. I get that. But even still, in close relationships like marriage, we do ultimately hand over the responsibility for our happiness to our spouse.

I did it. I also had an affair. I wasn't planning on having an affair but we had been talking about trying an open marriage and we were very experimental with sex. A wonderful guy started showing me attention and I liked it. My husband traveled all the time. It felt good to be wanted. My husband only found out because I told him. His response, "Well, you weren't with anyone before me so I can understand why you'd want to try something else. Nobody's perfect, you know."

Then the guilt settled in. And I blamed him. Maybe I was unhappy? Maybe that is why I strayed? I still loved my husband very much and never once thought about leaving him. I didn't think I was unhappy. I was definitely confused. I take full responsibility for it now. I know that I wanted more attention, craved more love, and I wasn't looking in the right place for it.

We suffered no issues. Well, at least I thought we hadn't. If he was in pain, he didn't show it. We ultimately decided against the open marriage idea and decided instead to start a family.

My greatest fear was that he would have an affair too. I now know that he doesn't handle emotions very well. He kept whatever pain he did feel inside and as expected, he did have an affair as well. I offered him the same understanding as he offered me. His guilt raged into the situation much like mine did and he blamed me too. He threw the full force of his pain on me and my affair from 6 years prior.

We were blaming each other and neither of us knew what to do next. We struggled for an entire year before I realized that he couldn't recommit to me. He felt continuously judged by me. I was only focusing on myself, trying to reestablish my faith and something sturdy to stand on. My marriage was failing and there was nothing I could do. He couldn't stand to see me hurt, couldn't handle my tears, didn't know what to think of my frustration. He gave up and I asked him to leave.

This is very difficult for me to write about as it was one of the most painful times in my life.


Marriage. Is it an institution that can withstand things like affairs and loss of trust? Can you communicate your needs to each other and not blame the other person if your needs are not met? Do we all need a first marriage to figure out how to handle a second one? Or will we fall back into our same old patterns?

I've also noticed that some men won't leave a marriage unless there is another woman waiting for him. I have seen this countless times. And some women don't seem to mind ending a marriage and being alone. Of course, this isn't always the case. Some people would rather be miserable than alone.

This topic is something that I am still processing as my feelings grow stronger for my soldier. I look at my ex husband now and he is nothing like the man I was married to. Do we change that much over time?

Will there be a day when I look at my soldier and wonder: where is the man I fell in love with? Or will he ask himself that question about me first?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

My Friend, My Love, My Soldier (part 3)

My Friend...My Love

August 2007

It had been a rough year. I began the year once again dating J. We had a good time together but I was having severe trust issues. Neither of us knew what we wanted our relationship to look like. We had a huge fight and nearly lost a 20+ year friendship.

In the spring, we learned that my father had cancer. He chose not to fight the disease so it was only a matter of time that he would be gone.

I had been separated from the ex for over a year but was unable to file for divorce for financial reasons. We were awaiting the sale of our home and the housing market was on a steady decline. I felt like I was stuck in a state of limbo.

At least I was finally working full-time again, after 3 1/2 years of being home with the kids or working part time. I had attempted to date again but I hadn't found anyone that I clicked with. Or trusted. I learned quite a bit about myself while dating J and I knew I had some work to do.

I'd had it. My focus had changed. I decided to stop looking. I was going to not date, focus on my children and enjoy being a single girl. I told myself I would never marry again nor have anymore children. I would simply be the best mother I could be. And I'd look damn good too.

I bought the sexiest red dress I could find and planned on wearing it to the 20th high school reunion. The reunion was an unexpected and very pleasant surprise. I was wondering who would I see, how would everyone look... but mostly I was curious about a high school crush. You know the one that never knew I existed?

That is where my mind was when one of my classmates pulled out our old yearbook.

"What about him?!" she said, pointing to my old friend from English class. "Remember him? He was the man among boys in our high school days. Remember how built he was?!"

Hmmm, I thought. Yes, I do remember how built he was. And I remember how we liked each other. I wonder where he is now...

"Oh yeah," chimed in another classmate, "He wanted to come but he is in Hawaii right now. He was competing in a triathlon there. You know, the Ironman?"

Whoa. Ok, duly noted.

A few weeks after the reunion and a few more online dates gone bad, I decided to email my classmate from the reunion and see if he knew the contact info for my old friend from English class and most recently, Ironman competitor.

"Here's his email address," the email said, "but you might try this one too, in case he's deployed."

Deployment, huh?

The very day and nearly the hour that I emailed my friend from high school English class, he replied, "I am so excited to hear from you!!"

We were both ecstatic that the stars seemed to be aligned and we were both single. He had been married once before; ironically he married a month after my wedding. He was out of town in Army desert training and we exchanged emails over the next few days. He called the following Monday. On the phone call, he asked me if I was available for a date on September 6.

Yes... let's try this again.

It was on our second phone call that he broke the news to me. "I am deploying to Iraq in November." I was deflated and tried my best not to show it.

"That's ok," I told him in an email the next day, "I will just send love to my soldier overseas from the USA."

I had no idea...

In his haste to experience everything before deployment, he pushed a little further:

"What about the weekend of September 28? Are you free then? Would you like to spend the weekend together?"

"Yes, actually, I will put you down for that weekend."

I couldn't believe that I was making plans with him a month in advance. And we hadn't even seen each other yet.

On September 6, 2007, after 22 years, we finally went out on our first date.

I was ridden with anxiety and nerves when he arrived at my house. When I opened the door and we saw each other for the first time, I felt relief and a sense of familiarity. He stepped inside and enveloped me in a hug.

It seemed to me that hug lasted forever. I really think time stopped when I was in his arms. Neither of us would let go. It just felt like HOME. We hadn't even really said two words and that hug, well, it said everything. Then I heard his voice in my ear, "Wow. This is nice."

The details of our date are linked above but I will say this: It was an instant connection. I'm still not sure if we just needed each other as an escape to our sadness - with his impending deployment and my father's impending death. All that I knew was that it was happening and it was happening fast....

I was going to fall in love with this man.

To be continued....


part 6
part 5
part 4
part 2
part 1

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My Friend, My Love, My Soldier (part 2)

My Friend, continued...


I found out recently that my friend's brother, the perfect gentleman, has always taken the physical part of relationships slowly. Even to this day! Waiting until marriage... I'm happy for him. He is indeed a rare breed. And SO unlike his brother!!


The summer of 1986 and into our senior year, I crushed on many boys who didn't know that I existed. In the meantime, I was friends with many boys who did everything they could to prove their love for me. God only knows why we don't choose the ones right in front of us.

Again I sat next to my friend in senior year English class. We talked every day. We hung out in different crowds but that year, for some reason, many of the cliques seemed to mesh into and around each other.

I also recall that my friend and his girlfriend were a force to be reckoned with our senior year. He was the goalie on our soccer team, in ROTC, our Homecoming King. She was involved in many clubs and was our class president. Both were heavily involved in school, disciplined and successful. They were seemingly perfect for each other.

I was only interested in enjoying myself and socializing. I wanted to drink. My friend didn't.

He says: He remembers parties that we both attended and I don't even remember him there. He has also mentioned a party that he had at his house. Again, I have no recollection of that memory.

He tells me now that when he saw me at these social gatherings, he wished to be with me. "But you were dating someone else!!" I told him.

"Only because you didn't seem interested in me at all. I only wanted to be with you."


If I knew that, things might be different now. Or not. But hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? Back to the story:

After graduation, I'd heard that my friend and his girlfriend broke up. They were going off to different colleges and decided to end their high school relationship.

I didn't know what I was going to do. I wasn't going off to college. I didn't even know if I wanted to go to college. I was also still single and painfully so.

Finally, after 2 years, my friend and I decided to go on our first date.

I was excited. I knew he liked me. I liked him. Yes, he was leaving but maybe something would spark between us. Maybe I could try the long distance relationship. Maybe?

We'd arranged to go out the night before his leaving for college. Something happened, I can't remember exactly... his parents didn't want him to go out or he had more things to do before leaving. All I know is that the date fell through.

When he called to give me the sad news, we stayed on the phone until the wee hours. We had the most open and wonderful conversations. He told me that he liked that he could say anything with me. That he enjoyed that he could be himself around me. We were both very disappointed that we wouldn't see each other.

He was heading off to a big university and promised to send me a nightgown with the school name emblazoned on the front. He asked, "If I send this to you, will you wear it every Saturday night and think of me?"

"Definitely!"

At the end of our phone call, he said, "I have one more question. If we had gone out tonight, would you have kissed me goodnight?"

"Of course!"

Both of us were frustrated as we hung up the phone.

The next morning, as I slept in, he stopped by my house to say goodbye. I'm sad to say, that is another memory that I do not recall.

He says: On that morning, when my mom let him in, she directed him to my bedroom where I was still sleeping.

In my semi-consciousness, we talked. He doesn't remember much of our conversation because he was distracted by my lying in a bed, half asleep, in pajamas.

He headed off to college but he did send me the nightgown with his university logo on the front. As promised, I wore it every Saturday night for many Saturday nights.

We stayed in touch through letters and eventually lost contact. I attended college at a local university for 3 semesters. I still didn't know what I wanted to do in life so I packed up my bags and left home at age 19.

About 2 years later, my friend contacted me in my new hometown. His parents had moved here and he was in town visiting. We went to lunch together and talked. He was still very much interested in me but I was already dating and destined to marry someone else.

He says: His favorite part of that lunch date was when I told him that I'd lost my virginity and was learning all that I could about sex. I told him, "Remember how you told me that once I finally had sex, I would love it? You were right!!"

We stayed in touch sparingly over the next 17 years, contacting each other via email every few years just to say hello.

I married in 1992 and started a family 9 years later. The last correspondence with my friend was after the birth of my first child and right before a trip to Australia. He was living in Hawaii at the time, stationed at a post there with the Army. He had visited Australia the year before and wanted to share the highlights of his trip with me. Apparently, I once again let our correspondence lapse. I do recall hearing from him but as per the norm, his perception was a little more detailed than mine.

After the eventual demise of my marriage 5 years later, and after a year of recovery, I decided to hold my head up high and face the world again. I put my toe in the pool of online dating. The problem, I found, was that I was unable to open up to these men. I just didn't feel like I could trust them. So far, I'd found no one that I "clicked" with.

If only I knew of someone that gave me that feeling. If only I knew of someone that I could trust...

Needless to say, my friend was the last person on my mind as I headed into town for my 20th high school reunion.

To be continued....


part 6
part 5
part 4
part 3
part 1

Monday, August 25, 2008

My Friend, My Love, My Soldier (part 1)

My Friend

August 1985

It was the first day of my junior year in high school and I was sitting in English class, awaiting the arrival of the teacher.

I looked up to see a handsome man entering the classroom. "Wow", I thought, "is that the teacher?!"

Well, he looked like a man. My school was a purely academic school. We didn't really even have an athletic program as the school's sole purpose was academic excellence. The boys at my high school were mostly thin and small framed so it came as quite a shock to see this filled-out jock who looked very much like a college football player.

He spotted me, smiled and took the seat behind me. Or was it in front of me? Either way, I understood that this handsome guy wasn't a teacher but would soon become my friend.

I don't recall our first conversations but I certainly remember the comfort level between us. He had the best smile and could always make me laugh. He seemed to especially enjoy my cheeks - on my face and well, I found out later that he enjoyed a posterior view of me as well. He greeted me frequently by pinching my cheeks, an annoyance at times, but then again, all of my male friends enjoyed annoying me in some way. My reaction always brightened their day.

I had met and fallen for J a few months before school started. J had recently moved away but I still couldn't see myself without him. Any hopes of a romantic relationship and flirtatious advances from my new friend went unrequited. My heart belonged to someone else.

But there was something about our English class conversations that often had me nervous and shy around my friend. He was very comfortable with his sexuality which, as a pure and untouched 15 year old, both intrigued and frightened me. I remember one conversation in particular when I told him of an article I'd read about Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith. They had holed themselves away for a weekend, making love and ordering out for food, never leaving the bed or each other's arms. It sounded completely romantic to me.

He looked at me and smiled after I told him the story. "I could see you and I doing that. We could lie around in bed and make love for hours. And I'm sure we could last even longer than a weekend."

I blushed and giggled and... was a little turned on.

My friend soon began to date another mutual friend at our high school. They were a great couple but he continued to flirt with me. When he'd come to my house, my mom thought he was the hottest thing around and told him so. He laughed at her forwardness and offered compliments right back at her.

He had a confident, flirtatious nature around girls. He was that guy that the girls loved and the guys wanted to hang with. He was fun to be around and I enjoyed his company.

Many months into our junior year and with J out of the picture, my new friend was frustrated. Finally I was single and he... was not. I can't remember exactly how it happened but he soon set me up with his older, and just as handsome, brother. His brother was a perfect gentleman and we enjoyed each other as well.

One night, I was invited to join his family for dinner. On the drive to their house, a cat dashed out in front of me. I was a new driver and didn't swerve quickly enough. The *bump* sound immediately brought me to tears. I arrived at the house red faced and broken. Both my friend and his brother did what they could to calm my nerves. Over the course of the evening, his family had turned the incident into something to laugh at, picking on me and making jokes. I enjoyed that dinner and it was fun to see the both of them in their family element.

I attended my junior prom with my friend's brother, the perfect gentleman. I was thrilled about the night and wore a strapless dress that showed off my abundant 16 year old cleavage. I was excited to see if my date would finally kiss me. After a few months of dating, enjoying each other and after the sexual conversations during English class with his brother, I was more than ready. I convinced myself, "Tonight's the night!"

The evening was awesome. As my date walked me to the door, I could tell he was nervous. I knew it was coming. I'd finally get my first *real* kiss. We stood there on my porch and exchanged pleasantries and giggled a little. Then he leaned in. It was the perfect scene from a movie.... he leaned in and...

Kissed my cheek.

?!?!?!


After I closed the door behind him, I was completely frustrated. Did he not like me? Defeated and confused, I knew there was no way I could continue to date him. Besides, he was heading off to college soon anyway.

Still, how could my friend from English class generate so much sexual tension in me and his brother, the perfect gentleman, leave me hanging?

To be continued....


part 6
part 5
part 4
part 3
part 2

First Day...

I Trust You'll Treat Her Well

World, I bequeath to you today one little girl in a pink pants.. with two brown eyes...and a happy laugh that ripples all day long, and a batch of brown hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs. I Trust You'll Treat Her Well.

She's slipping out of the backyard of my heart this morning and skipping off through the doors to her first day at school.

And never again will she be completely mine...

Prim and proud, she'll wave a young and independent hand this morning, and say goodbye and walk with little-lady steps into her classroom...

Gone will be the chattering little girl who lived only for play, and gone will be my delightful little love who roamed the yard like a proud princess with nary a care in her little world.

Now, she will learn to stand in lines...and wait by the alphabet for her name to be called...

She will learn to tune her little-girl ears for the sound of school bells, and for deadlines...

She will learn to giggle and gossip... and to look at the ceiling in a disinterested way when the little boy across the aisle sticks out his tongue.

Now she will learn to be jealous...and now she will learn how it is to feel hurt inside...and now she will learn how not to cry. No longer will she have time to sit on the front porch steps on a summer day and watch while an ant scurries across a crack in the sidewalk...

Or will she have time to pop out of bed with the dawn to kiss lilac blossoms in the morning dew. Now she will worry about important things...like grades...and what dresses to wear...and whose best friend is whose. Now she will worry about the little boy who pulls her hair at recess time... and staying after school...and which little girls like which little boys...And the magic of books and knowledge will soon take the place of the magic of her blocks and dolls.

And she'll find her new heroes. For seven full years I've been her sage and Santa Claus...her pal and playmate...her parent and friend. Now, alas, she'll learn to share her worship and adoration with her teachers (which is only right).

No longer will her parents be the smartest, and greatest in the world. Today, when the first school bell rings, she'll learn how it is to be a member of the group...with all its privileges, and, of course, its disadvantages, too.

She'll learn in time that proper young ladies don't laugh out loud...or keep frogs in pickle jars in bedrooms...or watch ants scurry across the cracks in a summer sidewalk...

Today, she'll begin to learn for the first time that all who smile at her are not her friends. That "the group" can be a demanding mistress... and I'll stand in the doorway and watch her start out on the long, long journey to becoming a woman.

So WORLD, I BEQUEATH TO YOU TODAY ONE LITTLE GIRL in a pink pants, with two brown eyes, a happy laugh that ripples all day long, and a batch of brown hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs.

I TRUST YOU'LL TREAT HER WELL.

...as read on the radio this morning by Kidd Kraddick

I swear I didn't think I would cry...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Little Olympians



"If you win the gold medal, you get... A GOLD MEDAL!!" exclaimed my 3 year old as she bounced happily on the mini-trampoline.

They were entertaining themselves, thankfully, while I tried to organize closets and drawers in preparation for the first day of school.


My children are enjoying the Olympics and have been hooked since the opening ceremonies. Saturday, they turned our living room into their makeshift gym and "competed" for their medals. Handmade medals of course.



They even pretended they were on a break, got on their sweatpants (despite the 96 degrees outside) and had a healthy snack of green apples with peanut butter and honey, red pears with Laughing Cow cheese, almonds, and our favorite brown sugar ham.



*cue the USA National Anthem*

God love 'em. There's something so adorable about my girls playing well together, using their imaginations, being active, and goin' for the gold.

I love hearing their uncontrollable giggling. And whatever it is that's so funny sounds like complete gibberish to me. They make no sense to anyone but each other.. they get each other. I can imagine them as adults, cracking up at inside jokes and sharing secrets.

I am proud of my girls, for everything that they are and will become. Who knows if they'll become Olympians, doctors, accountants or stay-at-home mommies, whatever they choose, they will give it their all and I will be cheering them on.

I'd just be returning the favor.

Friday, August 22, 2008

The Princess ain't happy

Grace had her "princess crowns" put on her molars on this morning. I couldn't help but giggle as the Kool-Aid anesthesia set in. I was sitting with her and she was her normal cheerful self when suddenly, she fell off the stool she was sitting on. As I went to console my normally snuggly baby girl, she threw me a *go to hell* look, grabbed her blanket and hid behind the chair.

Hmmm... could my child be an angry drunk?

The next thing I know, she's teetering around the room and slurring words. "Wwwwwhhhheeeennnn aaaarrreeee ttthhheeeeyyy ggggooiiiinnngg tooo fixxxxxsssss mmmmyy tttteeeefffff????"

Poor baby. They pulled her from my arms and said she was going to be fine.

Ok. But what about the grouchy child I had this afternoon? The one who couldn't stop crying and saying, "Mommy, I no like my princess crowns! I no like my teef!! My teef hurt!"

It probably didn't help matters when Rose informed Grace that while she was sleeping, they actually gave her shots in her mouth before putting on the crowns.

With a look of complete shock and dismay, Grace said, "That's why it hurts?!"

Man.

Other than that, Rose was a sweet big sister today. They played Barbies and anything else they could to distract from the mouth pain. Tonight we are attending a Back to School party that one of Rose's friends is throwing. Good. Another distraction.

The ex did come to the appointment with us this morning. Its weird because we show up at these things as "Mommy" and "Daddy" and everyone assumes we're a couple. I mean, we're very pleasant with each other, have a great rapport, joke around and are really respectful towards each other. Our friends don't quite know how to act around us because we don't seem any different than we used to be as a married couple. Still, when we're somewhere together like at Rose's back to school night or Grace's dental appointment, I have to stop myself from saying, "By the way, we aren't together." Not that it matters. But its just one of those things that feels.... odd.

I had to have a talk with the ex because he frequently complains that the girls act up around him. I've seen them. They do seem very restless around him. I finally asked Rose about it.

"Daddy's always yelling at us. Even when we're playing."

Yeah, I can see that. He does seem very impatient with them when they're being silly. I'm trying to remind my kids that he won't want to spend time around them if they never mind him. I made Rose a deal that if she minded him and was a good big sister, I would tell him to be more aware of his yelling.

I told him what she said this morning and asked that he yell a little more sparingly. "Choose your battles," I told him. He didn't seem offended or upset. He also seemed a little more patient when Rose was spinning around and around the dentist's lobby. I hope he remembers. And I hope she does too.

I also informed him the other day that our divorce decree says he's supposed to have them for a month during the summer. I didn't realize this and only requested a week from him in the past month. We were both surprised at my new revelation but he seemed both shocked and a little put out. I tried not to get angry about his response. He is currently living with his older brother who is single and has no children. I think he gets a little tense with the kids around his brother's house. I think his brother gets a little annoyed, then the ex gets annoyed, he takes it out on Rose and she takes it out on Grace. Shit rolls downhill, doesn't it?

Ah well, hopefully all of this will work out soon enough. Hopefully he'll get his own place soon and they'll all have their own space. Then again, I have to let the three of them establish a relationship on their own and without my input, right?

Still, I can't help but think about the role he plays in their lives. I mean, ultimately they will define all of their relationships with men based on their relationship with their father. I know he loves them. I know he wants what's best for them. I just don't know how to help him show them all of that. And is it my job to do so?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

My Life... in 6 words

Modern Single Momma tagged me with a meme that I thought was sort of fun. I'm supposed to find 6 words that describe my life. I wonder if I can do that in just 6 words? You all know how long winded I can be....

So, here goes:
  1. Soccer Mom - Rose had her first practice tonight and absolutely loved it. I'm so proud of her.
  2. Loyal - this one I'm steadfastly proud of. Once you're in my heart, you always will be.
  3. Organic - yeah, I buy organic, use natural medicines and therapies, clean with vinegar and baking soda, compost, and generally try to be a green mama. I even used cloth diapers on the kiddos! (Which reminds me... I need to give Grace a homeopathic remedy before her dental appointment in the morning. And maybe one for me too.)
  4. Athletic - a fairly new development in my life but one that I hope to keep for the rest of my life.
  5. Zen - many of my friends say I deal with life in a zen-like manner. Heck, I'm just reaching for it. Aren't we all?
  6. Blessed - yeah, I guess if I had to describe my life in one word, I would use this one.

Well, ok, it wasn't 6 words but I tried.

The way a meme works, you're supposed to tag other people to do it. I hate to put pressure on anyone so .... TAG.... you're all "it"!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Bald guys do it for me

I took the girls to see Cirque du Soleil's Delirium at the movies tonight. I'm a Cirque fan from way back. I thought the athletes at the Olympics had me all hot and bothered but Cirque du Soleil fans know... the human body is an amazing thing.

As I'm watching the show and fantasizing about my soldier sitting next to me holding my hand, I realized that bald guys do it for me. There was a particular act (gosh I wish I could find a photo of them) with 4 bald, nearly nude, muscular men balancing on each other. I had to practically wipe the drool from my lips.

I can't remember exactly when the clean shaven head became a thing of beauty to me. I have a friend in L.A. who shaves his head. I watched him do it one day and thought it was the sexiest thing I've ever seen. I've noticed that when men are losing their hair, going full bald just turns a bad thing into something good. Of course, the eyes, lips and body definitely add to the total package.

***Let me apologize to my male readers ahead of time. I'm going there. Yes, there. Pardon the lack of maturity in this post...but I'm sincerely only appreciating the beauty of the male form.***

Well first, there is this man. I mean seriously. I could dedicate entire blogs to Seal. I love his voice, his body, his face, his words... He is heavenly.


Billy Zane... my my my....


It even worked for Joey Lawrence!


I don't even know who this guy is but his name is Royce. I'd like to roll with that Royce. (Did I just say that out loud?) I mean, good God!



Most recently, I've become a Kelly Slater fan. Nope, never been a huge surfing fan but Kelly... well, he bears a striking resemblance to my soldier. Same bald head, same eyes, same lips, same body. Mmmmm....



I was always the girl who went for the guys with the rock star hair. Then I noticed the shiny headed rock star in Chris Daughtry:



I was pleasantly surprised to see my soldier sporting a chrome dome on our first date. He actually shaves his entire body for athletic competitions. I watched him shave one morning and oh.my.goodness. Whew... anyway!

This one's for the girls! Any other sexy bald men I'm forgetting?

*Updated*
My goodness, how could I ever forget Beckham? I'd like to be bendin' me some Beckham. (Note to self: grow up or have sex soon)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Cool, quiet and thunder

Its 10:25 p.m. and its raining outside. The weather is a surprisingly cool 74 degrees - unheard of for mid-August in Texas. I am sitting in my bed, sleepy and snuggled under my blanket... my face illuminated by the light of my laptop. The house is nice and quiet; my girls are tucked comfortably into their beds. I have just bid farewell to my friend J who came over to cut my yard, have dinner and work on other random household tasks on my list.

We ran into each other today by pure accident in the hardware store. I was there to have keys made for the new hire in my office. I didn't even notice as J quietly approached me from behind and sensually slid his hand from my rear down between my legs. You would think my first reaction would be to jump and perhaps slug someone. In all actuality, it felt nice at first and then I realized I didn't know who it was. All of this happened in a matter of seconds. I turned around, quite prepared to punch someone in the stomach, when I saw his smiling face. We both laughed then and tonight at how slow my reaction was. I guess it has just been way too long.

My kids were with the ex all last week. It was good for me to do nothing some nights. One night I rode my bike to my favorite yoga studio and took a class. Saturday morning, I went on a 30 mile bike ride with a local cycling group. We were also blessed with cooler than normal temperatures. I actually had a list of things I wanted to do around the house but none of them were accomplished. I did take naps, watched what I wanted to watch on TV (Olympics), saw a few movies (Tropic Thunder is freakin' hilarious) and got lots of fun fitness in. All in all, a good week.

My older daughter Rose is about to enter first grade. Thursday afternoon we will meet her new teacher. She also has her very first soccer practice that night and she is thrilled. This surprised me after last year when she first began kicking around a ball at school... I asked her then if she liked it and she said, "Mommy, I don't like to sweat." Now, she is counting down the days. I wonder if she'll be competitive. Something that I'm not.

She asked me about her soccer coach. I only know him from one email. She asked me his name and then said, "It would be so cool if (my soldier) was my coach. Then he would be coach and we could be friends and talk after practice too!"

Of course, I shared this with my soldier during our call yesterday. He laughed out loud and I could imagine the prideful smile on his face. He is always thrilled to hear when my daughters ask about him or refer to him out of the blue. Even towards the end of the call, he asked me, "So, what did she say again? Why would she think I'd be a good coach?"

Well, he is my coach, always encouraging me through my fitness goals. And he was the goalie on our high school soccer team. He told me of a great soccer match between he and some American soldiers against some Iraqi soldiers a few months ago. I'm sure I've mentioned it to the kids. Its amazing what they'll remember.

Grace has to have "princess" crowns put on her teeth Friday morning. They actually have to sedate her to do this. They use some sort of anesthesia that she drinks, they use nitrous oxide and they give her a shot in the mouth. She has never had anything like this before. I have to take the day off to be with her during her recovery afterwards. The dentist asked me lots of questions when we set this up. We don't know why but apparently her molars didn't calcify correctly in utero or during her first year.

"Did something happen while you were pregnant with her?"

"Was she sick a lot during her first year?"

No and No.

"Bad teeth in your family?"

No.

"Hmmm, just bad luck then."

Great.

All of it makes me crazy. Would it be asking too much if Mommy could have the anesthesia and laughing gas too?

So, as the thunder rolls outside and the breeze from my ceiling fan cools my skin, I find I can barely keep my eyes open. Once again, my efforts to go to bed before 11 p.m. fail me. I should sleep well though. A good storm always sends me off to la-la land.

'Night ya'll.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Happy makes you pretty

I've been feeling absolutely wonderful lately. I think I've finally found a homeopathic remedy that agrees with me. I used to be a worrier and very anxious. I was, at times, moody and sad. I have been on anti-depressants and was on them for about 8 years before I decided to try a more natural approach.

I do believe that we have finally found the remedy that is helping me to stay more balanced emotionally. Between homeopathy, yoga, cycling and A Course in Miracles, I feel so much peace and happiness in my life. My mom even commented on it the other day in an email to me:
It was good to see you - you really look good lately. I guess HAPPY makes you pretty.

I have noticed that the happier I feel, the more people I attract. I suppose it is a natural consequence of seeing life in a positive light and my attempts to not take myself quite so seriously. I'm finding that I feel like its finally ok to "let go and let God". I don't know that I ever truly grasped that concept until recently. There is some peace in knowing that a bigger force is at work here. I've also learned to appreciate the meaning of another cliche: "This too shall pass." Acceptance of the impermanence of things or situations also offers us much freedom.


Its ironic that I'm understanding philosophical concepts better because I have my emotions in check. I would think it would take the philosophical concepts to help me get my emotions in check. I suppose it is all connected. Just as everything is.


I also learn so much from you all. I began this blog as an outlet of sorts. I've always kept journals and diaries since I was 8 years old. It has always been good for me to put things down in words. I have journals that document times in my life like my pregnancies, the demise of my marriage, my infatuation with an old friend, my frustrating relationship with my father and my struggles with the deployment of my soldier. Something about writing it down helps me to clear my head. I can see things more clearly. I can vent to my journal and save someone else the pain of listening to my hurtful words.


You, who read this blog, help me by listening. And the comments and emails I receive are even more inspiring as you point things out to me that should be obvious but aren't to me. It's much easier to see things from a different point of view.


Thank you for joining me on this quest. It feels good to know that I have friends here.


Oh and my soldier called today. He has enjoyed hearing the comments several of you have made on my posts, especially the most recent sexy post. He made an observation later in an email:

Sounds like alot of your readers want to trade places with me in October. Remind them that, while I agree that I will be lucky to be me in October, it comes along with being in Iraq from November 2007 through February 2009. Not so lucky for 14 of those 15 months.

I know you want to say "poor guy." I know I did... but he sounds so very happy on the phone with me. I think we're just happy together. Even when we're apart. And that makes me smile even brighter!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

I Believe

This afternoon, I came across the cd I made with "The Fuss", my band from 1999-2000. It was a wonderful experience for me as it was the first band where not only was I lead vocalist but songwriter as well.

This song I wrote for my husband. I was having a difficult time in my marriage and I wasn't sure what was going to happen to us.

As I listened to the song tonight, I realized that the song could actually be about the relationship between any two people. It could be about my soldier. It could be about my children.

In every relationship, we sign some sort of invisible contract of who we will be in relation to that person. A vow, if you will. And that vow is something that only the two of you will understand.

I love this song because it is still true. No matter what has happened to me and the ex, I do still believe in him. Just as I believe in all of those that I love in my life.

Enjoy.



I Believe
Oh remember
The day we vowed
I believe in you
and you believe in me

All that I am
Is all I can give
And I believe in you
And you believe in me

That's all that matters
All that matters to me

I can't tell you
What the future holds
But I believe in you
And you believe in me

That's all we need
All we need to survive

All the world sees
Is we two are one
And I believe in me
And you believe in you


To hear the song in its entirety.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I'm turned on

With the calendar ticking off the last two months until my soldier comes home on leave, I'm finding that I'm constantly turned on.

Maybe its because our emails and phone calls have gone from R rated to NC-17 and moving way past the XXX category. The anticipation and physiological responses are definitely adding to the excitement .

He kicks my sexual energy into overdrive and suddenly its all I'm thinking about.

I'm drooling over the men and women while watching the Olympics. Their strong, athletic and nearly nude bodies covered in sweat, sand or wet from swimming makes me feel a little lightheaded.

I find that I linger a little longer in the guys' offices at work, just to absorb male energy. The scent of their colognes, the deep voices, the leather of their shoes... all of it makes my pulse beat stronger than before.

Tonight in yoga class, I watched the man next to me, holding strong in his asana, and I wondered about running my hands through the hair on his chest.

I had to take a girlfriend to the airport this afternoon and I watched as she walked in front of me, her short skirt swaying from side to side and hinting of the skin at the tops of her thighs. Her breasts looked firm and yet soft beneath her blouse. I found myself breathing heavier after she hugged me goodbye.

I'm making eye-contact with the young guys who work at my grocery store. I smile at them and our gaze promises of something more. Then I have to look away. I know I could but I really shouldn't.

I am trying to reign all of this in. I cannot continue to put out all of that sexual energy because when it comes back to me, I don't know what to do with it.

I thought I was bad when I was pregnant. I had the sexual appetite of a teenage boy when I was pregnant. It was unfortunate that my husband didn't want to have sex with me then. Every inch of my body was an erogenous zone. With more than normal amounts of blood coursing through my veins, I was especially sensitive to touch.

Now I'm finding that I am more than just sensitive in the physical sense. I can sense sexual energy almost like sparks that escape every living being in the room. My girlfriends are telling me that when they and their husbands have been around me, they have amazing sex afterwards. Its like I'm affecting others because I can't control it anymore.

Maybe its just been too long since I've felt that connected intimacy with a man. I do my best to see love all around me and it stops loneliness in its tracks. Maybe when I'm doing that, I'm also feeling connected with everything around me on a deeper level.

My best friend and yoga teacher has been telling me lately that my 2nd chakra is dominant right now. Perhaps I've awakened some Kundalini energy because I've been basically fasting from men for nearly a year. I do so adore Kundalini yoga. Kriyas make me happy.

Is the Kundalini serpent rising? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm vibrating over here. And it feels good.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Goin' for it

I've noticed that when I watch the Olympic swimming competitions, I think of my soldier. I remember shortly after we stopped seeing each other and before his deployment, he was training at a local pool. He called me after his swim and said,
"At one point during my laps, I was at the wall with my back to the pool. I heard a lady with her children. In my mind's eye, I just knew it was you and your girls.... I miss you."

So I watched this race. I cheered and I screamed and...I cried. And it made me miss him even more. It'd be nice to have him here to watch it with me.



*sigh* I love the Olympics. Go USA!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Every single mom needs one... (part 2)

A friend that doesn't mind being a handy man.

My friend J is one of the nice guys in my life. He also happens to be quite handy and doesn't seem to mind coming to my rescue.

Tonight he took me to dinner because I had to pay a plumber the other night. Never mind the fact that because of J, I saved $300!! Then when we were back at my house, he worked on my fence and promised to come back out later in the week to add a light to my pantry. I'm happy that he is willing to help me so much. This is the first time I've owned a home as a single girl. Whew! To say I'm thankful to my handy man is a giant understatement.

I've actually known J since I was 15 years old. The story of how we met is quite amusing. Somehow we even have a photo of that day. (No, I can't share it. Too embarrassing!!)

I grew up in the 80's and was a HUGE Duran Duran fan. I still am actually. (Old habits die hard.) It was 1985 and I was at the local amusement park with my best friend. J was sitting on a park bench with a friend. He caught my attention because he looked just like John Taylor, the bass player from Duran Duran. Forget it, I had to meet the guy.

We've been the best of friends since then. I've known him longer than I've not known him. How many friends can you say that about?

J is practically a member of my family. He, like my father, mother and brother, is an avid fan of classic muscle cars. J could sit and talk with my dad for hours about cars. Sometimes when J and my brother get together, its almost like they're speaking another language. I don't understand but I know there's love there. That's a language I can always read. After all, my brother was only 5 when J came into our lives. J is practically a big brother to him.

I remember telling the ex when we were dating that I had lots of male friends. I hoped he would understand and not be jealous. It was a pleasant surprise to see J and the ex get along so well. They used to sit up nights drinking beer long after I had retired for the evening. J was even emotional the day I announced to him that my divorce was final. He said he just really hoped the ex and I would work things out.

My kids love him. He has known them both since birth. He is patient and funny and doesn't seem to mind the harassment they give him. Sometimes I think he enjoys it. We go out and eat together, the four of us. I'm sure everyone assumes he is the father of my children. He doesn't seem to mind.

He freaks me out sometimes he knows me so well. If you were to give him a situation and ask him, "So, how would T react to this?" He would be able to tell you what I'd say, what I'd be thinking and even my mannerisms. I jokingly accuse him of stalking me. I don't know many people that know me like he does.

He has always been good to me. Even tonight, I was telling him that I expect to see him get impatient with some of the house items he works on for me. I remember seeing my father and even the ex curse in anger while doing house repairs. I cringe when asking for help with anything; my body already responds to someone else's impending irritation. But not with J. He does every task, no matter how frustrating, and continues to have the same calm, patient demeanor. He even makes jokes with me in his frustration. It takes me off guard and brings a smile to my face. There's something sexy about a man who will work for you and still act like you're doing him the favor.

I'm sure you're all wondering, "Why aren't you dating J?"

We did that and well, God only knows the reason we didn't work out. We are good together. We get each other. We crack each other up in ways that other people wouldn't have a clue about. We were even good in bed together. He has a talent that is way beyond anything I've ever seen. (that one's for you big J!)

The most ironic thing of all is that I met J 4 months before I met my soldier in high school. I was crushing on J when my soldier was crushing on me. My soldier went on to date someone else throughout our high school days and thus we never dated.

When my soldier came back into my life last year, I had only had one other previous relationship since the split with the ex. It had ended 7 months prior. Who did I date in said previous relationship? You guessed it. It was J.

I remember one night last September when my soldier and I were up late talking. My phone rang and I knew who it was. I giggled and told my soldier, "That's J. He calls to check in around this time of night."

My soldier smiled and said, "He loves you."

He does love me. And I love him.

We were reminiscing the other night when he said, "I would've never guessed that day at the park that 23 years later you'd be a single mom and I'd be helping you fix things around your house."

Yeah, me neither. But J is more than just my handy man. He's a friend for life. 23 years and counting!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Being ok with not knowing

My soldier called this morning. The new gal I work with was laughing at me because she said my feet don't touch the ground after talking to him. Its true.

I can't help it. He's just so.... GOOD. When we don't agree on something, he tries to see my point of view. Then he'll gently help me to see his. He thought I was upset about something (I wasn't) and when he had to run to a meeting, he said he was going to call me back afterwards just to see if I was ok. Like he's in the office building next door and not a world away! He is so good to me that it takes my breath away. What do I love the most about my soldier? He's a really good man but a bad boy exactly the way I need him to be. Nuff said.

Somehow we began talking about what is going to happen in his career after this deployment. We briefly discussed this back in September when we were dating. I knew there was a possibility of him leaving Texas but he hasn't mentioned it since then. We try to stay in the present moment when we talk on the phone.

Today he said there is the distinct possibility that, after June of 2009, he could be stationed elsewhere. Or he could stay in Texas. I've read enough of the other military spouse blogs to know that with the Army, you never know anything until the 11th hour.

This begs the question: Am I ok with this? Even if he does stay in Texas, he would still be 2.5 hours away and we would most likely only see each other on the weekends that he could drive up. I am fine with that.

If he's stationed somewhere else, he did state that he has loads of vacation time. I'm sure we'd see each other as often as possible.

If we got very serious, would I consider moving? Heh. Good question. Its not just me I'd be uprooting. And I'd hate to move my girls away from their dad.

The good news is that he'd ultimately like to retire in this area. He has lots of family here. His retirement will probably be another 2 years after he returns from Iraq.

I had to blog about this because at this moment, I am ok with not knowing what is going to happen in our future. Sometimes it frustrates me. Sometimes it drives me absolutely insane. But right now, I am ok.

I've blogged about this before. Sometimes, the plans change, things happen and you realize that you are exactly where you're supposed to be. You just may not know it at the time.

I didn't plan for him to re-enter my life. I didn't plan to fall for a soldier. None of this was part of my plan.

I guess you could call it faith but we've been ok so far and I think we will continue to be, whatever happens. Sometimes you just have to get yourself out of the way and hang on for the ride.

He even said, "You never know. A miracle could happen."

Yes baby. I believe it already has.

Friday, August 8, 2008

On Silliness

The other night, the ex came out to visit the kids since he would be traveling all week. As usual, both girls get really riled up and crazy with him. They crawl on top of him on the couch and he wrestles with him. They were in the playroom being silly with him when I heard him say, "You girls make such a mess. Why don't you clean up this playroom so that you can walk through without stepping on stuff?"

They both laughed, said "No!" and continued pestering him.

I walked in and told him, "You know, sometimes they will actually come tell me that they will clean up their rooms. They'll make the playroom immaculate and make the beds in the bedroom and everything! Its pretty amazing!"

He looked at me in disbelief and said, "How come you guys never do that for me?"

Rose never even looked up from her Nintendo DS, "Because we're better with Mommy than we are with you."

Heh. What can I say to that?

I've actually made wonderful strides in lightening up around the kids. After posting about how much fun they have with their dad, a few comments had me realizing that I do tend to take this single parenting thing a bit too seriously.

I mean sure, I have always been hard on myself about any job that I take. I tend to be a perfectionist. Then I became a single mom and I had to let some things go just for the sake of sanity.

Still, I think part of it has been my inability to enjoy this. I certainly can't imagine not having those two baby girls in my life but I never thought I'd be a single parent. This job is really freakin' tough sometimes!

I went through so many phases:
  • wanting to focus on them after focusing on my declining relationship with their dad for so long.
  • resenting the fact that their dad could leave and immediately be a single person with little responsibility.
  • resenting the fact that I was completely outnumbered and couldn't possibly be in two places at the same time.
  • resenting the fact that I couldn't get a divorce until the ex and I settled our financial responsibilties. This also lead to a very emotional (but thankfully temporary) parting of ways with my soldier.
  • resenting the fact that I was finally falling in love with someone after so long but would have to wait for a normal relationship until after a 15 month deployment.

Resentment. The death of all of us as single parents.

I need to remember what I tell my children when they say, "Life is not fair!"

I need to be a Tigger.

I've done well at releasing resentment. Especially since the divorce went smoothly and I am officially on my own now. I'm enjoying this. I also decided along the way not to fight this deployment. Fighting it gives it the power. (I was going to link to that last statement but there are so many posts where I'm realizing this.)

Fighting anything gives it power. Resistance of the current "as is" is what causes pain.

I am letting it go. No more resistance. My girls are going to have me. Now.

Now we're giggling together and smiling more. We are a happy family.

Thank you all for helping me to realize that this moment, with them, without resistance and without resentment, is the most precious moment of all.

An added bonus: The kids seem to mind me even better now! Who knew?

Thursday, August 7, 2008

A busted pipe, a new friend and a simple childhood evening

Tonight, my big plan was to come home, get into pajamas, feed the kids and hit the bed. I've also learned that sometimes things don’t always turn out like you’d like them to.

Rose went to get the mail and came back inside saying, “Mommy, something bad is happening outside. Come see!”

Now, I'm used to the drama that gets served up from my girls. The "something bad" could be as simple as a bird's nest on the ground or trash in the yard. I wasn't expecting what I found.

My front yard was flooding from a steady bubbling stream of water from my front garden.

I was stunned. What to do? I tried calling my neighbors and no one was home. I called the city and they said it wasn’t their deal. Then I called a sprinkler system repair guy who told me where to turn off the water. Problem was, I didn’t have the tools for it. Ah but my friend J does! I called J and he came over to look at it for me. Have I mentioned that I love the nice guys in my life?

We turned off all the water everywhere and figured out it was a pipe that came loose under the ground. Something shifted in the heat; perhaps it was one of the trees or something. I still had to call a plumber out to work with J. Thankfully, this guy was great – let J fix the problem, supplied the parts and only charged me the emergency discharge fee. Woohoo!

You know me... I’m always trying to find the positive in situations like these. Surely I should see something good in this. My positive attitude always pays off! The kids brought out their scooters and three wheelers and rode down the sidewalk out front. They also sat on the sidewalk and watched cars go by. I remember doing that as a kid; I would stay outside til Mom said it was time to come inside and that was usually because it was getting dark. It was nice to see the girls enjoying something so simple on a warm summer evening. J even pulled out a Frisbee and they all played in the front yard.

Then, as the guys were working on the pipe, I saw a girl go by on her bike. I watched her to see where she was going. She was just a few houses down!!! I mentioned to the guys that I should go down and talk to her, just to know another cyclist in the area. Maybe she’d think I was crazy? The plumber, a cyclist himself, said, “You know she won’t think you’re crazy. She’s a cyclist!”

I actually walked down the street and knocked on the doors of 3 different houses until I found her! Isn’t that hilarious?! When she finally opened the door and I told her that I was a cyclist too, she was so excited and invited me inside! She told me that she is one of many single gals on that end of the street. There is one other girl who rides as well. We talked for a little while and totally hit it off. She has done a few triathlons and said she'd love to train with me. She said she was going to email me tomorrow to introduce me to the other girls! Hooray!!! She was just as excited as I was!

All in all, I had to pay a plumber to come out to fix a pipe but my kids were able to enjoy a simple childhood evening and I made a new friend to bike with!

Life is good!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Solving the mystery: In a man's mind

Well, I found the vibrator in the bag of other adult toys I have. Heh, I guess I got (ahem) carried away and forgot to put it back where I normally keep it. Better there hidden up in my closet than in the bath toys with Ariel!

And hey, Dad's House and any other male readers out there, is a dildo less intimidating than a vibrator?

I'm just curious because I have heard men say that they couldn't possibly compete with a vibrating machine that runs on batteries. I get that. I just wonder if a dildo freaks out guys too? Does it worry men to discover that a woman knows what she wants and how to please herself?

Sometimes I wonder what guys really think about this stuff...

Oh and I told my soldier about the Pickle Boy/booty call experience.

He said that the reason the guy didn't want to "just hang out" after I said no to the booty call is because I "shot him down" and it hurt his ego. My soldier said that PB was most likely pursuing my friendship with hopes of a romantic relationship with me. Of course he wouldn't want to see me after I said no to the sex. A man's ego is a delicate thing.

Ya know, it would be different had PB said that he was interested in me, we went out and enjoyed each other, maybe kissed a little. To me, that is how you show a woman that you'd like to go further. (Though he doesn't stand a chance next to my soldier!)

I told my soldier that I felt objectified because PB asked if he could spend the night before we even went OUT!

My soldier said, "Yes, I definitely don't agree with his technique of asking for sex before the evening even started."


Can I just say, for future reference to all the men out there, that this is NOT the best way to pursue a relationship with a woman?!


I still don't think a relationship was what Pickle Boy was after. I think my soldier just assumes that another guy would want to pursue me for a relationship because, well, he thinks I'm quite a catch.

Hee hee! I love him for that.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The Case of the Missing Vibrator

I keep a few of my grown-up toys in a drawer in my nightstand, like any normal single girl. The problem is that I have two small children. Two NOSEY small children. They have, at this point, not come across my stash but I know there will come a day when I'll have some 'splainin' to do.

The toys are not obvious. I have them buried under bras and letters and photos from my soldier. It does take some digging to get to them.

Well, this morning I was looking in my drawer for a particular bra when I noticed that my vibrator is missing. I tore through the entire drawer to no avail. Hmmmm... surely they would ask me what it was if they found it, wouldn't they?

Maybe I left it somewhere.

Ugh! MAYBE I LEFT IT SOMEWHERE?!?!

It could be buried under a stack of Barbies right now!! It, um, does look like a mermaid. Surely, I just misplaced it.

Who misplaces a vibrator?!?!

Mmmkay, I'm kind of stressed out about this. For many reasons than I care to mention.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Love...despite the circumstances

My soldier called a few days ago. I've been having a hard time lately with the deployment and missing his phone call from last week didn't help matters much.

I end up getting lost in my own ego thoughts and drama and begin to worry and make up reasons why I shouldn't wait out this deployment.

I can always tell when my ego is in the way because I notice that I'm dwelling on the past and/or the future. I'm always happier in the present moment. I know this!

Anytime I feel worried or doubtful or weak, I don't know if I should share my feelings with my soldier. He has enough in his life right now. He has a close family of men that he works with as well as other important life and death duties. My feelings of "where is this going?" or "does he really want to be with me?" or any other whiny girlfriend drama seem so small compared to the other things he has to deal with. I am generally hard on myself for even getting lost in the drama but sometimes, I just do.

Then I hear his voice and I become a flood of emotion.

I expect to hear an annoyed and impatient man on the other end of the line. Someone who says, "I don't have time for this!" or "I can't deal with this right now."

But no. He has never done that.

I don't know why I would ever expect that from him when he does things like give toys to little Iraqi girls and send a Bratz DVD and stuffed animal to my daughters from Iraq.

No, instead I hear a loving, kind-hearted, patient man who does nothing but use sweet words of reassurance and reminds me of how much he appreciates all that I do for him.

He had to let me go about 1/2 hour into the call. Then he called me back to finish our conversation.

It was a light, happy, fun conversation filled with laughter. I love his laugh. And he loves to make me laugh.

By the time we hung up the second time, I was glowing and all smiles and giggling at myself for ever having doubts in the first place. (Though I'm sure I will again.)

Later that evening, I saw that the area my soldier is stationed in was hit with several bomb blasts that day. Maybe that was the reason he had to hang up the first time? But then he called back.


He called back!

With the hell all around him, he still managed to make me a priority, reassure me and make me laugh!

*sigh*

What a man...

Yep, some things are just worth waiting for.



His leave in October can't get here fast enough!



P.S. You guys only know my part of this story. Just to get an idea of what soldiers and their families go through, check out this ABC News continuing story of several soldiers who have recently deployed on a very long tour of Iraq. So far, there is a part one and a part two. Or you could click on any of the blog links on the right sidebar under Loving the Soldiers. These are stories that will encourage you to be strong in your own story too.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Amazing

Last night, I met a single dad for a fabulous dinner and concert.

It was even better than that.

The conversation was non-stop. The comfort level was off the charts. It was like we'd known each other for years!

Perhaps as single parents, the connection starts with our story. We all have one and when you share your story, as we did last night, you feel understood in a way that other people may not understand you.

Sure, I have lots of friends with children and they see me as "amazing" because they don't think they can do what I do.

As single parents, we tell each other the same thing but there's something different about another single parent confirming your amazing-ness.

Our stories don't define us but they help us to define ourselves. We become wise in a beautiful way. Wise because we realize that we are not in charge of what will happen in our lives but we do have a choice in how it affects us.

When you meet another single parent, the bond you share is what I would imagine the bond would be between soldiers who went to war. Sure, perhaps your war was different than mine but we've both been there. We understand each other. And we both agree that the survival of that process, through grace alone, makes us the amazing people we are.

The single dad I went out with is a wonderful father, of course. But he is also handsome, kind, intelligent, loving, fun, full of faith, happy with himself, confident, sensitive, very much a gentleman and definitely amazing.

The girl who grabs him up is one lucky gal!

Thank you, Just A Man, for a great evening and for being my amazing new friend!

**Update** My "date" also wrote about our evening. And said some sweet things too!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Speaking of sex... booty calls and all

I try not to have two blog posts in one day (for no particular reason) but I had to post this.

I had a date/whatever-you-want-to-call-it planned tonight with Pickle Boy whom I met at a cycling event a few months ago. We've had some great phone conversations and have been pretty honest about life, sex, relationships, etc. He's a really nice guy. I like having nice guys in my life. We only met that first time and haven't had the chance to get together since.

Well, he sent me a text today asking if he could stay over tonight. He lives WAY outside of the metroplex but I was still surprised that he asked. (Call me naive!) I told him, "Sure, as a friend you can crash if you need to."

Then the texts got a little more uncertain... now suddenly it's too far to drive, etc. So I called him on it:

"Look man. If you're expecting a booty call, that's not what I'm interested in (though I'm sure it would be fun). I thought we could hang out. Be honest about your expectations!"

I'm all about honesty. Just freakin' tell me what you're thinking! Don't play mind games!

He texted me back and said, "Yeah, well let's hang out another time."

O.M.G.

Are you kidding me?

Anyway, although I'm disappointed that what I thought was a new friend doesn't want to hang out and enjoy my company, I am glad he was honest enough to admit it.

I guess he admitted it.

Kind of.

Once I dragged it out of him kicking and screaming.

Yes, I'll admit, its been a while for me. But I can't be like Dad's House and do the booty call thing. I’ve tried it and no. It left me with a feeling of emptiness and made me miss my soldier more.

And yes, the booty call was during the time since my soldier's been gone. We don't have any sort of exclusivity arrangement. He wants me to have fun and doesn't question who I have fun with. As I've said before, a lot of our future is still to be determined.

As much as I love sex and crave the sex life of TentCamper and Insane Mama, its just not me to have random, booty call sex. Sometimes I wish it was so I could give my toys a break. And save some cash on batteries...

But I digress.

I am all about experimentation and learning more about sex. Many of my girlfriends have had sex with many different men. Not me. But what is most surprising to my (ahem) well versed girlfriends is the amount and quality of sex that I have had. Some of the things that I've done, they've always fantasized about or are now trying to convince their husbands to try. I joke with them that I go for quality not quantity.

Honestly, it wouldn't be fair to Pickle Boy or anyone else I want to hang out with for me to put out that easily. The entire time, I would be thinking, "I wish this was my soldier."

I guess that's just how I am when my heart belongs to someone else.


Sexy stuff

One day I may write blog posts about my sex life. In the meantime, I live vicariously through Mariah at Insane Mama, and Chris at I Pee in the Wind.

Check out the goods. Oh and don't be surprised if you're feeling a bit amorous (or jealous) after reading:

Late Night Buzz

A Fine-ASS Day at the Beach

Sensual Visions....in my Head

This is me being blunt!

Also, be sure to read the comments - they leave sexy comments on each other's blogs too!!! Good stuff. And thanks to them for spicing up things around here!