Thursday, October 30, 2008

Fork in the Blog

You decide what you want to read:

A night in the life of a single parent

or

One Hot Night (part 3)

Reality slaps me back

Tonight was one of those crazy nights in the life of a single parent. You know the one...

-where you should really stay home and finish laundry but then there's soccer practice and shopping to be done.

-Oh and did I mention that you're down to next to nothing in your bank account because your employer is supposed to pay you on the 15th and 30th but decided this month to make it on the 31st?

"But Mommy! I need a costume! What am I going to be for Halloween?!"

"Mommy, I need you to buy chips for my Halloween party at school!"

"Oh and can you bring food to the party tomorrow night?"

That's ok. Mommy has her Handy Dandy Credit Card just for times like this! Only used in case of dire emergencies and delayed paychecks!

We shopped for an hour gathering costumes, accessories, food items and absolute necessities for meal preparation at our house. We made our way to the register where the cashier rang us up. I pulled out my Handy Dandy Emergency Credit Card... which was promptly denied.

Huh?

She tried it again. And again at another register. My plan B was a complete failure. (Note to self: call Handy Dandy Credit Card company to see what the hell the problem is.)

"I can hold all of this for you", the cashier offered.

Wow. That's a new one. I left my name and number and promised that I would pick it all up in the morning after my paycheck has been deposited.

All the way out the door, I was being questioned by my children.

"What happened Mommy? Where's all our stuff? What about my costume?!?!"

Please lets just make it to the car first.

My poor Rose. She always wants to make it better for me. As I explained that I couldn't pay for the items tonight but will be able to tomorrow, she was immediately apologizing about it and telling me how I'm the greatest mommy in the world. Hugging me. Loving me.

I couldn't speak. On the drive home, I felt the end of the rope begin to wrap around my neck and then I realized...

I am so grateful to have a job!!!

Rose made sure that the night ran even smoother for me. Getting herself and Grace ready for bed. Hugging me more. I finally took Rose's face in my hands and said,

"Baby, you don't have to make everything all right with me. I promise everything is fine. Yes that was upsetting but I am fine and it is not your fault at all. I am very lucky to have a job and I know that I will have money tomorrow. That is such a blessing to me and to us! You don't have to worry. Everything is wonderfully fine."

She hugged me and said, "I love you Mommy."

I am so blessed. I was actually more present with my girls after this experience than I have been in some time. Its time to turn this ship around.

I could actually hear the thoughts in my head on the drive home:

See? You're a complete victim. Nothing goes right for you! First the man you love rejects you and now this! And doesn't it suck to be a single parent too! No one else to take care of things. Nobody else's paycheck to lean on. You're stuck in hell. No promising future! Look at those girls! You're gonna be raising them alone and you'll grow old and no one will ever love you....

But I was hearing another voice saying:

You know you're not a victim. I hear those thoughts but none of them are true. You have so much love in your life. What you learned from loving Soldier is preparing you for something even better! You are so fortunate to have a wonderful job where they love you and take care of you. They'd even offer you money in advance if you needed it! Your children adore you and would do anything to make you happy. Show them how lucky they are! Show them the blessings in their lives! You can do this! Be grateful!

I am grateful. That is my focus. Gratitude will pull me through. It always does.

One Hot Night (part 3)

"Are you going to dance for me?" Marishka was excited as I knelt before her.

She was in Soldier's lap facing me and I leaned into her. I kissed her neck and ran my hair down her chest and stomach. I stroked the insides of her thighs with my fingertips.

"Oh my goodness. You are turning me on. You're so sensual!" She breathed heavily and touched my face softly. She was running her hands through my hair and moving her fingertips inside my schoolgirl blouse.

"They're absolutely real." Soldier told her as she squeezed my breasts together. "Isn't she sexy that she totally dressed the part?"

"You should marry her!" She said it innocently enough but I still thought, Oh Marishka. Why did you have to say that to him?

"I should." He answered her as his eyes met mine. "I know I'd never be bored."

I stood and gently pushed Marishka closer to Soldier. Her head was back, her dirty blonde hair soft on his bald head. I straddled the both of them and kissed him hard on the mouth. My lips left his mouth and I kissed her neck, inches away. She was panting. I teased her nipples with my fingers. I went back to his mouth, licking his lips with my tongue. Then I licked Marishka on the ear, sighing into her.

She said she loved what I was doing to her. I slid my thigh between her legs and let her ride me as her hands dug into my shirt. Soldier and I were one, locked completely in each others' eyes.

"Next up! Marishka to the stage."

A voice announced that our time with Marishka had to end. She sat up and looked at me. "Are you sure you don't want to work here? You would make so much money!"

Her accent and enthusiasm were endearing. She was playing with my hair and hugging me. "I love her!!" she told Soldier before she made her way to the stage. "You have to come back here! Don't leave yet! I want to spend more time with you!"

We were ready to go. We were both so worked up by this point that I knew we couldn't stay any longer. I was ready to have him all to myself.

I went to the ladies room through the calls of "School girl!" from various horny men along the way. I had to laugh. I felt sexy and confident.

On our way out the door, we stopped at the stage to say goodbye to Marishka. I gave her the dollar bill that was slipped into my thong earlier. She hugged me and begged me to come back. I reached around her and squeezed her ass as she reached under my skirt and did the same to me.

As we walked from the stage to the exit, Soldier said, "Ok that's something I have never seen before."

Yeah, I thought to myself excitedly, I wonder what's going to happen next?

There were no clues that we'd go home and decide to call the whole thing off.


One Hot Night (part 1)

One Hot Night (part 2)

Withdrawal

I'm realizing now that I am in withdrawal. I've had two fellow bloggers mention the word addiction and I'm realizing that... I was addicted to Soldier. Or at least the way I felt about him.

Don't we all become addicted to the highs and lows of a relationship? Without even planning on it, they become habit.

Wikipedia describes withdrawal:

Withdrawal, also known as withdrawal/abstinence syndrome, refers to the characteristic signs and symptoms that appear when a drug (um... how about person or feeling?) that causes physical dependence is regularly used for a long time and then suddenly discontinued or decreased in dosage. The term can also, less formally, refer to symptoms that appear after discontinuing a drug or other substance (unable to cause true physical dependence) that one has become psychologically dependent upon.

Even with the space between us I'm glorifying the highs beyond what they probably really were. And completely ignoring the lows.

I'm realizing that I have a problem with wanting to feel needed.

I enjoy feeling like the light in the lives of people who are damaged.

Then again, aren't we all damaged in some way?

I've been told three times in the past week that I need an easy relationship with a happy-go-lucky guy. I agree. I don't want another broken man.

Then I wonder... will I feel challenged enough? Will I feel loved if he doesn't need me to fix him in some way? Why is it my job to fix everyone anyway? (A therapist once asked me this same question. I suppose I'm still looking for the answer.)

Soldier and I enjoyed nurturing each other and feeling like we needed to heal each other. I think that was the crux of our falling for each other last year. He liked to think about taking care of me and making everything ok. I enjoyed showing him that he was worth waiting for and encouraging him all year during this deployment.

But now he realizes that I don't need him to take care of me. And he doesn't need to make everything ok in my life. Its his own life that needs repair now.

I'm realizing that I can't fix him. And it wears me out to try.

I'm learning my lessons. Thank you for your continued support, patience and love.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

One Hot Night (part 2)

Gia was wearing nothing but a g-string. I couldn't stop caressing her arms and the smooth skin on her stomach.

"What's up with him?" she asked me about Soldier while he was away. "Are you guys together?"

"Well, I thought we were." I didn't want to ruin the moment by telling her about the wall he'd decided to keep between us. She didn't even know that he'd been to Iraq. "I'm not sure what he wants from me."

"That's ok," she hugged me tighter, "I get you. You're with me now."

A 50-ish man walked by our booth and did a double take. "Whoa! Two girls!"

"Keep moving buddy." Gia said, "She's my customer."

"You don't work here?"

She and I laughed. I'd already been asked that question at least 10 times. "No, I don't work here."

"You look fantastic!" He got down on his knees in front of us. He wanted to put some cash in my panties. Gia took the money and did it herself.

"Move along. Her boyfriend's coming back soon and he won't be happy to see you staring under her skirt."

Soldier returned with another girl and both of us benefited from more dancing. I wasn't even concerned with him and the blonde on his lap. (Though she did have a fun tattoo on her lower back that said "Lucky You". Ha!)

I was beginning to check out of things emotionally with him already. I'd been feeling ignored all day. Gia was sweet and sensual with me. I was going to enjoy her.

His girl left after a dance or two and Gia stayed with me. Mostly we simply sat, talked and held each other. She said she felt protective of me. Ironic since I was the one who was fully clothed.

Soldier asked me to sit on her lap.

She held me close as he lifted my skirt and showed her what was underneath the red thong I was wearing. She started to breathe a little heavier as his fingers plunged deep inside me. She watched my face as I moaned and fell back further into her arms. She seemed shocked as he and I stared deep into each others' eyes. If he was trying to freak her out, it was working.

"Whew! I should let you guys get at it!" Gia had to go. She hugged me over and over again and said she was so glad we were the ones to spend time with her that evening. She wanted me to come back. Without him.

He and I were ready to go. We were very near tearing clothes off of each other. He left me in the booth for one last trip to the restroom before we were to leave. He came back with another girl.

"This is Marishka. She's Hungarian. I recognized her from being here last year."

Ok. Hello Marishka.

She instantly greeted me with a hug, as if we were long lost friends. "Oh! She is beautiful!" she exclaimed to Soldier, "What a sexy lady!! I love your clothes and your shoes! You should work here!!!"

I was bored and ready to go. I watched as Marishka offered him one last dance before our exit. As I watched the sensuality of her performance, however, I was intrigued.

I decided to join them.

To be continued...

One Hot Night (part 1)

One Hot Night (part 3)

Dysfunctional




Did any of you see this movie or read the book 9 1/2 Weeks?









If you recall the ending (actually the movie and the book each ended differently)... then you have some idea of how I'm feeling right now.

I thought I'd keep the blog fun by sharing an experience I had last weekend with Soldier. Maybe its too much for some readers but its me. And trust me, its a lot lighter than the real feelings I am facing right now.

I feel so completely messed up like Elizabeth felt in the movie/book. He crawled completely under my skin. He's still inside me and I can't shake him...

How do I feel normal again after the complete mind-fuck of being with such a powerful sexual personality??? I mean, I'M sexual but he brought out even more of that in me. I too feel that I don't truly know what his life was like. He didn't want to share any of the Army stuff with me...

I feel like a mistress.

I have had an affair with a married man. I've admitted it before. I remember the longing... the wanting to be together. The difference was that I was married too. I had no plans to leave my husband and he had no plans to leave his wife. We were VERY honest about expectations. It didn't make it hurt any less.

Soldier's wife is the Army.


Again, I had no expectations about him leaving his "wife". She has made him who he is today. But she has also made him into a very angry man. Or at least, that is how he reacts to her. He resents how much she pulls the very life from him. He resents how he has always longed for a true love, healing relationship but she won't let him go and... he doesn't seem to know how to leave. So he continually denies himself what he truly wants for fear that he doesn't deserve it. Besides, no woman has stayed as true and as long as the Army has.

As per the norm, I am suffering a post-heartbreak sinus infection and I've been in bed all day. My head hurts. I can't think straight. I am not me in this skin right now. I just ache and I feel like I want a good hard fuck. But not from anyone but him. I just want to cry and fuck.

Obviously, I can't make any decisions, be a good friend or especially be present with my children (thankfully their dad will have them tonight). My girls sense it. They always feel what I'm feeling. They've been overly emotional too lately. It feels like divorce all over again.

So, you guys decide....

Do you want to continue this AGONY with me or do you want me to continue the story about the fun, sexy time I had at a strip club last weekend?

I'm letting you drive.

Help me.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

One Hot Night (part 1)

We'd talked about it for months. I knew he wanted to see girls. I too enjoy looking at beautiful women and knew that I'd have a good sexy time as well. He chose the club because he had visited it on other occasions previous to his deployment. I hadn't been to a club like this since going with the ex many years ago. I knew the evening would be a great adventure for the both of us.

I thought it would be fun to dress the part. I deliberated on the outfit and thought I'd go with the usual fantasy: a naughty school girl (guess what I'm going to be for Halloween). I even shopped where the strippers shop to find the perfect pair of shoes to go with my virginal white knee socks.

As I exited his SUV, I was already being watched. He laughed, "Everyone thinks you work here." He seemed proud to hold my hand and escort me into the club. Right inside the door, I was greeted into the sisterhood when two of the girls who worked there each exclaimed, 'Girl!! You are HOT!"

It was going to be a good night.

"Choose a girl. Any girl you want, " he told me, a year's worth of combat pay burning a hole in his pocket. I looked around. They all seemed bored. There was a car show in the parking lot and the DJ was handing out awards. The dancers all sat slumped over on their stages. This wasn't earning them any money.

He nudged my arm. "What about that one?"

She was perfect. Shapely. Olive skin and strawberry blonde curly locks that hung a little messy over her shoulders. She wasn't dancing. She was waiting for the right man to pay for her time. Little did she know, the right man would be a woman.

"Why don't you sit with us?" I asked her.

Her name was Gia and to me, she was simply stunning. Immediately we were comfortable talking to each other. She loved my outfit and we giggled that we'd purchased our shoes at the same place. She worked at the club while going to school to become an entertainment lawyer. She'd traveled to many of the same cities I'd been to. I liked her. The three of us left the crowd and escaped to a private booth.

"Dance for her."

She did as he asked. I have never had a girl dance for me before. I had to be briefed on the "rules"... what could I touch? what shouldn't I do?

Her skin was flawless and soft. Her breasts were a perfect perky B. I loved how her waist was so small and curved into round voluptuous hips. He was getting turned on, watching me watch her.

She sat on my lap and I noticed a tattoo on her shoulder.

"Wait!" I said. "Is that Sanskrit?"

"Yes, it says Om Mani Padme Hum. You wanna see the Om on my ankle?"

It turns out, she was studying to become a Buddhist. She was half-African American and raised with traditional Christian and Muslim teachings. She also did yoga. We instantly had more to talk about.

He pouted, "I'm feeling very left out. "

"Go get your own girl," I told him, "I'm not sharing this one."

He ventured from the booth as Gia and I sat snuggled in each others' arms.

To be continued...

One Hot Night (part 2)

One Hot Night (part 3)

Monday, October 27, 2008

Stages

I'm doing my best to process all that happened last weekend. I think I'm getting through the bargaining stage and settling comfortably into depression.

I'm very aware of thoughts like...

...maybe I should have dressed down when he arrived on Friday night?


...maybe I was acting like a big baby when he seemed distant. Perhaps if I wouldn't have acted that way, maybe we would be ok?

...maybe now that he's had some space to think, he will be "that guy" again.

...I just knew I shouldn't have seen him when he was on leave. I had bad feelings about it a long time ago.

I know better. We are not right for each other right now. I have to remind myself of how I felt when he was here. There is no way I could be in a relationship with the stranger that was here last weekend.

Sunday night I didn't sleep well at all. Monday I decided to work from home and perhaps sit with my feelings. I wanted to lie around in bed and cry instead of work. I am actually looking forward to this weekend without the kids. Saturday morning I may go for another long bike ride and afterwards, perhaps have a good long cry.

That's the thing about being a single mom. I don't have a chance to sit with my feelings; I have to be a functioning adult and hold my crap together.

My friend Alex came over tonight. Her daughter and Rose grew up together and are the best of friends. Alex and I encourage this, of course, because we are the best of friends too.

Alex is a crazy girl. She tells it like it is and has the most warped, sick and twisted sense of humor. I love her for that. She has been a huge support to me over this past year. Her husband is ex-Army so she always had great ideas about care packages. She was even included in some silly email exchanges with me and Soldier.

Tonight I told her about what happened. She was stunned. She was looking at me in shock and kept saying, "Oh my gosh, T. That makes my head hurt!"

"Doesn't he know by now that you are just a giving person?" she asked me. "Doesn't he understand that your support of him felt good to you because that is who you are?!? It doesn't make any sense, T. He's right. You do deserve better. You are one of those people who, when you're at an event and someone says 'clap along', you clap along! You love people and you love life. You need someone else like that. You need a happy-go-lucky man who will love life with you!"

She's right. I do. But from my vantage point in this moment, I couldn't see him if he was standing right in front of me.

Sensing and Learning

The Exception contacted me this week about joining with her and Mama Llama to focus on a theme. Mama Llama kicked off the theme for this week with her post this morning. The themes selected come from three lines that peaked The Exception's interest in a book called Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I feel at a loss since I haven't read the book but the theme seemed interesting enough for a good solid diversion from the visits to Soldier-ville.

I read a little about this book on Amazon.com and on several other websites. The foreward of the book has definitely garnered my attention:
"Within every woman there is a wild and natural creature, a powerful force, filled with good instincts, passionate creativity, and ageless knowing. Her name is Wild Woman, but she is an endangered species. Though the gifts of the wildish nature come to us at birth, society's attempt to "civilize" us into rigid roles has plundered this treasure, and muffled the deep, life-giving messages of our own souls. Without Wild Woman, we become over-domesticated, fearful, uncreative, trapped."

I was reminded of this, one of my favorite quotes:
“Well-behaved women rarely make history.”
~Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


Today's topic is "The ability to sense and learn new things..."

Its no secret that I am a sensual person. I am also very open-minded and willing to try new things. Unfortunately, there have been times and people in my life that attempted to squash that part of me. The first, of course, was my father.

My father, I now realize, had his spirit broken as a young child. I only found out, shortly before his diagnosis with cancer, that he was adopted by my grandparents. His mother was actually my Great-Aunt Rose who took in a boarder in the years after WWII. I still don't know the whole story... if she was raped or had an affair with this man, but she was soon pregnant and devastated. She called up her sister-in-law, who was to become my grandmother, and threatened suicide. My grandmother and grandfather offered to take the child and raise him as their own.

My dad didn't know the history of his birth until his real mother died. It was on the way to the funeral that my grandmother finally admitted it to him. She had held the story, at the request of my Aunt Rose, until Rose passed away. My dad felt angry and justified in the hatred he directed at my grandparents. He always felt that Papa was hard on him, never satisfied and never proud of a single accomplishment. Now, he felt he knew the reason why.

The thing is, he continued to treat me, his oldest child, the same way. Unless it was done his way, it was plain wrong. I can't explain why God would put me, a girl who always did things just a little differently, with a father who couldn't stand that about me. I never felt I could do anything right. I never felt his pride in me until, thankfully, as he lay dying. I now realize that it wasn't about me but nevertheless, it was a constant struggle throughout my childhood.

Then I married a traditionalist. The ex was one of those men who firmly lived by the addage, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." One of the biggest struggles towards the end of our marriage was because I was laid off from my IT job and was home with the kids. My interests had changed. I wanted to study Homeopathy via a distance learning course and someday open my own practice. He was furious. "Why not go back into IT? You were good at it! Why change now?"

Why the hell not?!

I am constantly growing and learning. Life is about LIVING! Why not sense every moment of it, allow it to shape you like the wind shapes the sands of the desert or the waves on the ocean? Why not be malleable to life instead of miserable because you feel as if you have no choice in the matter? I saw this with my father, the ex and with Soldier too. I have always been that girl who loves to be held loosely, allowed to bloom where I am planted but to grow upwards and around to what feels good to me. Yes, I require security but I lean on my faith for that. I don't have to deaden my sensuality or lose that ability to always see things just a little bit differently than I saw it the moment before.

Its one of the things I love about me.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Hopeless or Hopeful?

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Hell, this entire year has been. Today, I'm feeling peaceful and a little melancholy.

When I talk about last weekend with Soldier, and I've been telling the story over and over, I notice a feeling deep inside of me that I wasn't aware of before. I actually put the feeling into words today. These words may sound harsh but...here goes:

My life is good. I am blessed with so much love and joy. If I'm going to welcome a man into my life, he should add to my life.

I love Soldier and I know me, I always will. That is the only way I know how to love. Once you're in my heart, you always will be. I told him that last September and I don't think he quite understood.

Remember the crying orgasm? They always happened with Soldier. He always took my breath away. The first time we had sex last weekend, I cried. He held me and was very gentle to me.

The last time we had sex last weekend, I cried as well. On the outside, it probably looked no different than my usual crying orgasm but I think we both knew it was different. This time I was truly in pain, not physically but emotionally. That time, he held me tighter and said, "I don't want to hurt you anymore."

I digress... these scenes replay themselves in my head. I know he loved me. I'm sorry that our timing is always off. I hate that he's battling horrible demons. I will be his friend and I will send him love.

But its time to move forward.

I can't do anything more for him. He has to fight his own war. I couldn't do anything for the ex and his battles either. I don't need to fight anyone else's battles or war. I can love them unconditionally. I can keep them in my heart. I can listen. I can be a friend. I can do this without fear because that is how I love. Loving like this makes my heart even bigger and allows even more room for the next love in my life. I learned this lesson when I became a mother of two.

I love the line in the Jason Mraz (who puts on a damn good show by the way) song I'm Yours when he says, "I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some..."

That's what I'm doing. I can't regret anything I've done. Maybe I didn't "win" the guy but I didn't "lose" either. I learned SO MUCH about who I am. I just know I did everything I was supposed to do. Without question and without regret.

Yes, I still have some healing to do. I know that I am still processing.

I also know that more love is available to me right now. It is perfect, effortless and amazing. It is exactly what I need. I have complete faith in this. I feel it as sure as I feel my heart beating inside my chest. I feel it as sure as the feel of the keyboard under my fingertips. I have no idea how I know.

The love I shared with Soldier was true. It was perfect, effortless and amazing. The same could be said of my ex. Then, the purpose was served. The lesson was learned. The growth happened. Now I will honor those loves, be aware of the love in my present moment and know with complete faith that there is more to come.

I suppose some people would say that makes me a hopeless romantic.

I believe it makes me hopeful.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Truffle Theory

Soldier was an animal in bed. I mean, I expected him to be after a year of no sex. The thing is.... he's always been that way.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all about crazy, wild, all-over-the-world, upside down, porno monkey sex. But I also require balance.

I'm a sensual girl. I get turned on if the wind blows through my hair and the clouds are nothing more than a thin veil hiding the moon in her naked glory. I wrote a song once comparing the earth to a woman's body. If a man smells just right, my skin will tingle. A good seafood bisque will have me moaning in pleasure. I've always been this way.

I've decided...the next man I get sexy with should be a sensual man as well. I've decided to put into practice a theory I have. I'm calling it: The Truffle Theory.

Have you ever tried these Lindt Lindor Chocolate truffles? Lindt actually has an entire section of their website dedicated to using all of your senses to eat their chocolate.

I seem to recall standing in my pantry with Soldier last fall and pulling out a bag of these truffles.

"These are my favorites," I told him as I handed him one. "See? What you do is unwrap it slowly and observe the scent.... inside is a wonderful creamy..."

Before I could even finish he had already unwrapped the thing and swallowed it whole. What the...?!?

I watched as he dove through everything in my pantry to satiate his hummingbird metabolism. He had to try a little bit of everything - barely stopping to truly savor what was in his mouth. He even said to me, "I eat like I fuck."

Isn't it true? Don't we all look at food and sex the same way?

It was fun for me to be with someone that insane in bed. I had never experienced that before. A little of this, a little of that... We were literally all over the place.

He was an amazing kisser too. Usually a girl gets a sense what a man is like by how he kisses. Soldier totally swept me off my feet with his kisses but once the clothes were off, he was dominant, strong, aggressively powerful and damn sexy. I loved it. I craved it. Something was missing though.

He was not sensual at all.

I like the slow build-up. Remember the old days of kissing and longing before losing your pants? I prefer a man to explore my entire body. I have so many erogenous zones that could be explored. I can nearly orgasm from light finger touches along my back or just the right amount of nipple pleasure with a tongue.

Can we not simply savor what is happening right now, slowly and with intention, before moving on to the next thing?

Use your senses with me. Look at me. Feel me. Smell me. Taste me. Listen to my moans and the rhythm of my breath. That is exactly what I am doing with you.

Once I've been taken to the point of near-ecstasy, I will get aggressive. I will get crazy on you. And it'll be worth it. Trust me.

Enjoy your chocolate guys. You never know what a girl learns from watching you.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Healing over

3 a.m. rolled around this morning and panic struck me awake. This time, instead of being sad, I was angry. I must be getting stronger after actually eating meals again yesterday. I know this is part of the healing process but it surprised me.

I am fucking pissed off.

I keep replaying the whole year. Things he said. Things I knew he meant. Then things I should've noticed or questioned. Sunday night I'd asked him, "Why, if my supporting you made you feel so guilty, why not tell me sooner?"

"Your positive attitude. You were always so upbeat on the phone. I need that so badly when I'm over there."

Is he going to miss me or what? I'll just keep sending positive energy. It'll get there somehow.

See how I am? I'm pissed that he's still in town and doesn't call me. I know... we need distance but it still hurts. But then again, I'm quietly praying that he can feel my love from here.

I sucked and deep-throated that man all weekend and yet I'm the one who feels like I've been sucked dry and swallowed whole. And I'm mad as hell about it.

Then I'm glad that I'm angry. This is good. I've moved past the denial stage in the stages of grief and now onto anger. I'm doing very well. I am not fighting this.

Some great quotes in a few emails I've received for the past few days from wonderful friends (forgive me for not crediting you. I am simply inspired by these words.):

"....in his deeper recesses, he yearns to allow himself the freedom to just 'feel what he feels.'"

"....men who love hard, who are sensitive, feel this more than those who are not like this....

"It sounds like he loves you. I mean really loves you....I can't imagine what life is like there, but I think it is very sad that he feels the need to remove love from his life in order to survive."


And this... there are no words for this beautiful eulogy of surrendering completely to love.

Thank you all for continuing to see him with love. Anger and blame is easy. Continuing to see the perceived 'victimizer' with love... that is a beautiful thing.

I've decided that his frustration was not because of me, but because he is not the man he wants to be.

My friend De sent me this song. I love love LOVE this song and lyrics. I feel nothing but warm arms around me when I hear it.



"Heal Over"

It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady

Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

300th post: Lessons and Aches

For the past few days, I am frequently waking at 3 a.m. in a complete panic. I feel as if there are 500 extra lbs of weight on my chest. I feel as if the top few layers of skin have been torn from my body. My hands are shaky. My knees are weak. My stomach is nauseous. (I have lost 6 lbs since Friday.) I can't breathe. I feel lightheaded. My vision is cloudy. It's like I've woken from a nightmare and I cannot seem to shake its terrifying reality.

Witnesses, this is T in pain.

Still I am grateful for this pain. At least I can feel.... unlike Soldier. At least I'm ok with these feelings of pain, love or loss. I am thankful for this experience. I am grateful for the entire year's worth of it.

What I've learned:



  • More than I ever wanted to know about the war in Iraq and military life.

  • How to feel loved every day. I learned to see love all around me.

  • How to talk dirty over the phone, over email and how to make some awesome sexy videos and photos.

  • I began to search for the positive in every situation around me.

  • I started to realize how much we, as Americans, take for granted in this country.

  • I began to take an interest in politics. (That's a new one!)

  • I feel sexier than I have in years.

  • My self-confidence grew.

  • That laser hair removal is a beautiful thing!

  • I began to love my body and challenged my physical self to be stronger and more fit.

  • I took up cycling and running.

  • I began to trust that God has a plan for me. My faith and trust are the only guides that I can truly lean on.

  • I was finally able to let go of some relationships that were causing much stress in my life.

  • I finalized my divorce with complete confidence that I'd be ok.

  • I've now done many sexual things that I'd never done before. Let's just say my horizons have been WAY expanded!

What I loved:



  • Hearing his voice and big bold laugh as I told him all about the silliness in my life.

  • His daily emails and sexy nicknames for me.

  • The fact that one of his muscular thighs was the size of both of mine put together. And the feel of the weight of his thighs on mine.

  • His beautiful blue eyes.

  • His olive skinned hands and long fingers.

  • His perfect luscious lips. I wanted to kiss him every time he spoke to me.

  • His slow dances.

  • The butterflies in my stomach.

  • Having him to talk to... about him.

  • Our great conversations filled with laughter and longing.

  • Planning with him about how our relationship was going to be different and better than any past relationships either of us had been in.

  • Looking forward to 2009 and him being back on American soil.

  • Massaging his bald head.

  • His amazing hugs that lasted forever.

  • The feeling of complete comfort and trust in an old friend.

  • The security of a future with a good man with great morals, financial sense and nurturing personality.

  • His big heart and sensitivity.

  • His advice on child-rearing that he picked up while watching Nanny 911 on Armed Forces Network.

  • His calm and patient demeanor with me when I was feeling overly emotional. He could always soothe me.

Now when I think about the post from the day before he arrived, I wonder if maybe I did make him up. Maybe he was my imaginary friend. I only saw brief signs of that guy in my home over this past weekend.

Even now, when I think back on the weekend, it seems like a dream. On those mornings that I was blogging and he was still sleeping, I did feel alone in the house. He's been away from me for much longer than he's ever been with me.

Maybe I had projected what I wanted him to be and that's who I've been writing about this whole time. Maybe that's not who he was after all. Maybe he was, as my friends all acted like, just a figment of my imagination.

*sigh*

I hope he's ok.

And then he drove away...

Yesterday morning after I typed my blog post, I sat in my favorite chair with a cup of Chai and A Course in Miracles.

Soldier was still sleeping in my bed and I was alone, crying as I read the outpouring of love and support from all of you. I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. Then I cried even harder, breaking into all out laughter. I realized that I was grateful for this pain.

This pain means that I loved harder than I ever thought I could after the demise of my marriage. This pain means my heart is opening wider and wider!

I'm still capable of an amazing amount of complete crazy love. Someone told me shortly after the ex moved out that it was sad to think that I'd never allow myself to love like that again. We harden our hearts from it. I didn't want to do that. Now I know that I can love with reckless abandon again. My friend De agrees, "you won't love the same but you'll love better." Yes, that's it. I loved him better.

I heard him stirring and getting into the shower so I put on some music to sing to. Singing is so cathartic to me. It felt good to belt out my Ride the Tides song. I began feeling a little better.

He came in the room, dressed and ready to go. He reached for my hand and began slow dancing with me in the living room.... much like he did on our first date. He stopped dancing and pulled me close to him. He held me for a very long time and I could hear him swallowing back emotion. I was strong. I was simply enjoying his arms around me.

He took my face in his hands and said, "Honey, I am so sorry for messing up this weekend. Everything you did was wonderful and.... I'm just sorry for all the stuff and expectations and all of it."

I apologized too. He said there was no need but I wanted him to know that I never meant for him to feel guilt or pressure.

He held me again and again I heard him trying not to cry.

He sat on the armrest of the couch and I told him that I knew that none of what happened was done intentionally. I didn't think he was a bad person... I told him that I chose this. I chose these expectations and to be here for him. I looked into his big beautiful blue eyes and said, "I think you are an amazing man." He rolled his eyes. "Wait," I continued, "You are and I'm sorry that you are hurting and enduring all that you are. Know that I'm always sending you love."

He kissed me. This goodbye was strikingly similar to the last goodbye we had. We kissed slowly and with much tenderness. He looked sad and we kissed more. He stood with his arms around me and lifted me off the ground. I wrapped my legs around him and he again held me for many moments.

He said that he would email me when he was back in Baghdad. He said, "I'll stay in touch with you until you ask me not to. You know, until you meet someone who prefers that I don't contact you anymore."

I smiled and said, "You know me better than that. I would never allow a man to choose my friends."

As he walked to the door, I said, "Be safe. God speed. I love you."

He put his arms around me again and kissed me more. He kissed me more during our goodbye than he did the entire weekend. I really don't think he wanted to let go. That, in itself, was exactly what I needed.

He took his bag and walked to his car, waving as he sat in the driver's seat. I closed the door and glanced out the window. He took one last look at the closed door and then he drove away.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Death

I am hurting so badly that I can't sleep.

My hands are shaking so I'm having trouble typing but I need to get this out of me.

We did go to a sports bar to watch his favorite football team yesterday. I dressed in my best jeans and a turtle neck sweater. Several guys at the sports bar were tripping over themselves to get introduced to me. I had to acknowledge them because to Soldier, I was practically invisible. He used to say that he didn't want to hear about me with other men. Now here men were flirting and he barely noticed.

I was tired. I don't sleep well when he's in my bed. I didn't last year either. I can see bags under my eyes. He was nice to me... but like a stranger would be nice to me, you know? He did buy us a sandwich to share and drank freely from my cup as if it were his own. He did open the doors for me. He did what he could to make me feel comfortable. I tried to do the same.

On the drive home, I was struggling. I wanted him to be where he wanted to be and not feel like he should be with me out of obligation. I kept begging God to help me say that but I was afraid it would sound like I didn't want him with me. So, I didn't say anything but constant prayer under my breath.

I am aware that we are both calling for love. Help me to know how to answer his call. And help him to know how to answer mine.


What happened to the guy that I could talk to so freely? We've had great conversations every time we talked.... for nearly 24 years! Now, he's silent. I'm babbling to fill in dead air because when I'm quiet, he asks me if I'm ok.

He immediately went back to my bed and turned on more football.

Deja vu.

The ex used to lie in that same spot and do the same thing. That's it. This wall that he's built is strangely familiar. Its the same wall I felt the last year of my marriage. Ah! There it is. Be aware, T. Try not to project your past pain on to this situation.

He asked me to snuggle with him. I lay down in the crook of his arm and began to rub his chest. He immediately relaxed and said that I was soothing him. There he is. There's the guy I knew. He loves to be touched.

He turned on his side so that I could rub his back. I did and made my way to his bald head. I rubbed his head for a few minutes until I heard him snoring. I spooned him and kept rubbing. His body was twitching and jumping. I've noticed this when he sleeps. He has very vivid dreams.

Every time I tried to leave him, he would hold me tighter. We stayed like this for a long time. I finally pulled away and he turned over, throwing his body weight on me. He didn't want me to leave and so, we lay together, all wrapped up like we used to.

We went out for a quick dinner and again, I was invisible. He was girl watching... I was doing it too early in the weekend. I knew he was enjoying seeing women again. But last night, I found I couldn't take it.

As we were lying in bed last night, I asked him if he was still going to stay in touch with me once he is back in Iraq. He said, "Of course. But not at the level we were. It would not help while trying to divest emotions."

I was a mess.

"This hurts me baby." I told him.

"Yeah, well in the Army, divorce happens. Its part of the deal."

Wow. He was expecting this all along.

We talked more about what I was feeling and what he was feeling. I told him that I'd almost asked him to leave earlier. He said that he was having a good time and enjoyed the day. He went into a whole thing about feeling guilty for not being as supportive with me during this deployment as I've been to him. Every care package and card was somehow filled with guilt instead of the love that I packaged so carefully.

He said, "I tried to be strong and push you away a year ago but you would have none of it."

"Remember," I said, "That I didn't contact you after that. You contacted me."

"Ok. You're right. I was weak. I feel weak when I'm over there. What you were doing felt good. But this has to be the right thing to do now. We just aren't going to work out."

"You have to understand," he continued after I pointed out that I knew who he really was, versus what I was seeing now, "When there's a car wreck here and one person dies, its front page news. In Iraq, one person's death is a non-event. You just have to shut down your feelings and emotions. I won't be the same for a very long time after I return. The man you met last year had been home from Iraq for 10 months already."

He went into a tangent about his training calendar for more marathons and Ironman competitions. His schedule, upon return from Iraq, wouldn't have time for me. He'd feel bad about that. He said, "I know me. When I get back I will want nothing but physical relationships from women. I am already planning my schedule for next summer and I already have in my mind where to go to meet women. That's not fair to you T. You deserve better than that. You need someone to be what you need."

I agreed with him. I am happy he was honest with me. Our discussion never turned angry or accusing. As usual, we are always able to be adults when we have an issue. Both of us admitting our feelings and our wrongs. Neither of us pointing fingers at the other one. I can respect him for treating me with respect.

He touched my hair as we talked, stroking me gently. His hand was on my knee most of the night as he twitched and jumped in his sleep, dreaming of God only knows.

He's leaving today though he still sleeps in my bed at the moment. Maybe I'll go spoon with him one last time. The next time I see him, whenever that will be, he will be only an old high school friend again. It is the right thing to do.

Still, I am in pain. I am mourning because I feel like, though Soldier will soldier on, my love has died. My love died in Iraq.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

He's still here

But he's gone.

My love is gone. It surprised both of us, quite frankly, but the man that was here last fall and the man that has been so wonderful all year.... has completely gone M.I.A.

I knew it was time to let go of expectations early in this. The kids and I had planned on greeting him outside, I would rush into his arms and Rose would take our photo. Well, somehow I missed him pulling up outside; the kids were eating dinner and he rang the doorbell. When Rose excitedly left the table and Grace tried to rush right behind her, Grace fell out of the chair and busted her lip on the floor.

I was trying to get to the door myself and had to send Rose in my place. Grace was lying on the floor on her face and screaming. This is how he was greeted. Me, all dressed up carrying my baby girl to the bathroom to clean up her lip.

He didn't even touch me. His initial efforts were with my children, greeting them and talking to them. He wanted them to get used to him again. At one point, I leaned into a hug with him and he kissed me. I melted into butter trying to catch my breath.

For two hours I watched him reconnect with my girls. Both girls showed off their new talents: Grace writing her name and Rose with reading him a book. He picked them up and swung them around. They tackled him on the couch. He picked me up and tried to hang me upside down too! Finally I got everyone settled down and he asked if we could all sit together on the couch. He was quiet but smiling, saying he enjoyed sitting with 3 pretty girls.

The ex came and got them. The meeting between these two men was very uneventful. Both of them enjoying the girls, smiling, talking and laughing. I was relieved. Even after the ex left, my soldier said that he was happy to see the girls so comfortable with their father.

**I just typed that phrase "my soldier" and it doesn't feel right anymore. Let's just call him Soldier from now on. OK?**

We proceeded with the most primal and insane sex I've ever had. I'm not even sure how long we were at it but it had to be at least two hours. I enjoyed it immensely but somewhere in the middle of all of it, I realized that he had still not kissed me.

We munched out in the kitchen and watched a movie in bed. It felt good to have him near me. He looked so wonderful. He has got to be one of the hottest men I have ever seen. All during the night, he would reach for me. He always had a hand on my arm or leg or in my hand. I was smiling all night.

Yesterday morning, we were up for a bike ride. He was very quiet and only concerned with getting his bike ready. I am used to riding with other men who were very attentive to me - usually pumping up my tires at the same time as pumping up their own. I finally guessed that he was nervous. It has been an entire year since he'd been on a bike. He wasn't sure who we'd be riding with and how he'd do.

We had a great ride. It was a flawless day. I did notice that when I was with him, I would have to physically take his hands and put his arms around me. I began to feel a little irritated with this. It was about mid-day back at my house when I pointed it out to him.

"Remember what I told you before I left for Iraq," he began, "When I said I wouldn't be able to be here for you emotionally. Well, I still can't. It surprised me, quite frankly, I thought I'd be ok until I saw you last night. I don't like when you're making me hold you or making me kiss you. I'm feeling forced and I've been told what to do for the past year."

It stung. I walked away and sorted through it. Ok, he's still got up his wall. This is normal. I will allow him his space. And I did.

We went out for the day and had a great time. We were completely enjoying ourselves and returned back to my house last night.

We were standing in my kitchen eating when I leaned on him and said, "Its so good to have you here. I'm really enjoying taking care of you. Are you enjoying it too?" I had my head on his shoulder.

He backed away from me, "I can't do this. I need you to stop. Every time you do something for me, I'm feeling pressure. I can't be what you need right now. I can't give you affection and intimacy. I thought I could but I can't. Now I just feel like I can't do anything but disappoint you. Maybe I should go."

I was completely taken aback. We talked for an hour. He admitted he felt pressure from me at times saying "I love you" while he's been deployed. He went on and on saying that I had all of these expectations that we were going to be together, that he would retire and be with me, that he would marry me. He was frustrated and didn't want to be near me.

I stood there and listened. And then I said, "Do you know that I didn't have any of these expectations? These are all things that you said to me. These are all things that you told me you wanted last fall. These are things you've implied to me all year. I didn't know what to expect from you. I thought you liked affection. I thought you wanted nurturing. I wasn't pressuring you. I was giving you what you want... what you've always told me you wanted. I think you're frustrated because you did want those things. I think you're disappointed in yourself because now you don't know. I think you're frightened to open yourself up to it again. I think being with me makes you feel that."

He told me that I was right. But that man is gone. That man is buried underneath the weight of a soldier who didn't want to be touched. He said he felt as if he was wasting my time because I deserved better. He said he probably wouldn't be that man again until long after the deployment ends and he will have moved somewhere else. He said he felt like he was only disappointing me because he couldn't be intimate with me. He said he takes it very seriously that I have children and that maybe we shouldn't do this anymore. He didn't even think it was fair to have sex with me anymore.

I calmed him down and we did spend more time together last night. I gave him a relaxing massage and we again had very animalistic sex. He wanted to snuggle as we both fell asleep. I, as normal when my heart is breaking, woke up in a panic at 3 a.m. and again this morning.

He is still in my bed right now. After he fell asleep, he stayed on his side of the bed all night. My heart feels heavy in my chest. I feel like I can't breathe.

I'm going to be his friend today as we go watch a football game together. Then, I will most likely ask him to leave. I think I'm done with this. This may be our final chapter.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Today

Today's the day!

I leave you with a much requested recipe for my favorite Chai Tea. I've also included some random and some favorite blog posts from the past. Some about me. Some about my soldier. Some about my kids.

Enjoy and have a great weekend! I know I will!


Chai for two

(Thanks Lila-girl)

5 green cardamom pods - (if you are not a fan of cardamom, reduce or eliminate. But then why drink chai?)
5 clove buds
1 stick cinnamon

1 1/2 cups water
2-3 teaspoons black tea
3/4 cup 2% milk - (these are rough ratios, if you like your chai a little more "latte", then up the milk)
Sprinkle of black pepper (optional)

  1. Crush cardamom and cloves with mortar & pestle.
  2. Combine water and milk in saucepan, I like to throw in the cloves, cardamom and cinnamon stick so the flavor really gets in there while it's heating.
  3. Reduce heat and add tea, stir frequently until desired color/strength.
  4. For a little more zing, throw in a sprinkle or two of black pepper.
  5. Pour through strainer into mugs.
  6. Add sugar to taste. (I personally prefer honey.)
  7. Finish your chai, then get naked! (planning on it!)

My Soldier's Hands
F-Bombs!
Five X 5
Is tree-hugging genetic?
Little girls and stuffed animals
Never say Never
Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend
Pickle Power in Climax
Independence as a Single.Mom.
Can you say penis?
On Silliness

Thursday, October 16, 2008

One

I will see my soldier tomorrow!

I'm ok. I really am.

It all seems surreal to me. For a few days, it seemed like I was dreaming everyone except my soldier. I found myself really tortured through all of my mundane daily duties. I did not want to communicate with or be around anyone. I only wanted to live in my head where I kept imagining being with him.

Then I went through a few days where it seemed like he was the one that wasn't real. I even remarked to a friend that I feel almost like he's my "imaginary friend"... after all, none of my friends know him or have met him. Well, except for the old high school friends who aren't in my daily life. Its been an entire year. Maybe I've made him up after all?

Finally I was just exhausted even thinking about it anymore. "Its like planning an overseas trip", my friend J remarked, "when you keep worrying whether you have everything: passport, money, flight information, itinerary... Eventually, you just want to get it over with so you don't have to think about it anymore!"

Exactly like that.

I mean, my goodness, I've been planning this homecoming since he first told me about it in May! I feel like I've just about gone completely mad. Like seriously, bring out the straight jackets.

The kids and I will be greeting him at my house tomorrow evening. I hope that I can get Rose to capture a photo or two of the moment he is in my arms again. We may have to work on her aim with the camera first.

And the most interesting thing of all is that a few of my co-workers (remember I work with 99% men) are telling me not to have sex with my soldier during our time together?!?!

WTF?

They are all telling me that I'm too emotionally involved and that I will be a complete mess when he has to leave again.

Why oh why do people insist on getting in my business? This isn't the first time this has happened. Is it because I put it all out there?

*T covers her ears at the resounding YES! from the crowd*

Dare I even ask what you think? You, who have read my every emotion about this whole thing? You, who have read our amazing love story?

*sigh*

How about this? I'm just going to listen to my own advice and let each moment with him unfold as it will. Why put pressure on myself to go one way or the other?

Then again, I know me and even if I am broken down upon my soldier's departure I will hide it from these guys who are telling me to avoid sex at all costs. Hiding my pain is what I do best. I've got a mask of steel that I keep hidden away for occasions just like this.

**Updated: I guess this is really bothering me. I just had another of my co-workers try to talk to me about it and I broke down. I'm realizing that I have indeed always hid my pain...from as far back as I can remember. I have always felt like I had to hide my emotions. I suppose that's yet another dragon on this quest that I have yet to slay.**


Today's tasks:
  • Do more yoga
  • Get a massage
  • Decide what to wear tomorrow
  • Make sure house is clean
  • Put yellow ribbon on my tree
  • Allow myself to feel

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Two

Ok yes, two more days. Now that I've got that piece of business out of the way....

I read this post about an ex reestablishing contact with Rachel at Single Mom Seeking and the comments that followed were filled with fear and anger.

I wonder if perhaps that is the reason why relationships are so difficult... because of that basic fear and/or mistrust from the get go. I mean, how can we possibly learn to love each other when we're so frightened of being hurt? Again.

Its not like women are the only ones who do this. My soldier and I have also talked about past relationships and how, to men, it seems like women can be so flighty and difficult to read. I too have noticed this in friendships and in sexual relationships with women. Sometimes you think you understand what they're thinking or what they're wanting and then you're left wondering, "What the hell happened?!"

To which my soldier replies, "Welcome to the world of dating women."

No, I'm not dating women but yes, I have taken some friendships further this past year. And all the drama still happens.

"This is why," my soldier continued, "its every man for himself, you know?"

Hmmm... so this is what happens when relationship after relationship has failed? This is what we do when we're so hurt and confused? We project all of that fear and mis-trust out on to the opposite sex and they can't win for losing, can they?

Do we not notice that all we're doing is projecting our past fears on to a future that has not yet happened?

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
~A Course in Miracles

Believe me, this is a lesson I have to remember myself. After all, we teach what we need to learn. So, in all of the fear that I have projected this week, this lesson is timely.

I have also had to keep this in mind when my soldier projects his fear. He has been hurt in many more relationships than I have. When I realize that he is making an assumption based on his past with other women, I am less likely to take his words or actions personally. Thankfully, thus far, he is able to realize the same with me.

Two people from the Course in Miracles study group that I facilitate are falling madly in love with each other. He seems very comfortable with the idea and she is terrified.

This girl was blissfully happy before. She was perfectly content with being alone and drama-free. Now, she's out-of-her-mind and paralyzed with worry about becoming vulnerable in a possibly beautiful relationship. Are we really that content when our hearts are closed? Or do we just convince ourselves that we are?

I have learned that the best way to grow and learn about yourself is in relation to another person.


Love does not conquer all things, but it does set all things right.... As you come closer to a brother you approach me, and as you withdraw from him I become distant to you.... That is because the function of love is One.
~A Course in Miracles

How else will we be challenged to grow? I mean, I've learned more about myself over this past year, even with my soldier being away, than I did the year prior. I've opened myself to the unfolding of an amazing relationship and have grown exponentially because of it.

I've learned eons more since the ex and I split than I did in many years of our marriage when we'd both slipped into complacency. I had to look at myself in relation to him differently than before. We both had to see each other differently in order to create the beautiful co-parenting relationship we have now.

No, sometimes its not comfortable. Sometimes, we don't even realize we're projecting our fear until we see where we've projected it. Maybe then we'll have an enlightened moment. Or maybe then we will have justification to close our hearts, yet again.

I wonder... if we always go into interactions with a potential partner (or friend) with a planned result of being hurt again, why would we get any other result?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
~Albert Einstein

We all need to open our hearts to each other and let each moment unfold. Erase the past. Every day and in each moment, let go of your expectations. Even with those people you've known for years - allow them to reveal themselves to you. Be malleable to the moment.

You may be pleasantly surprised. Rachel found something unexpected and now her heart feels exposed and vulnerable. How can anything but an open heart be ready for love?

The love that you search for everywhere is already present within you. It may be evoked by any number of people or events. A mountain can evoke this love. A sunset can evoke this love. But finally, you must realize you are this love. The source of all love is within you.
~ Gangaji

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Three

Today is the ex's 44th birthday. I've been so busy with life and ya know, planning my soldier's return that well... maybe the kids can make him something? Maybe an ecard? Did he remember my birthday? Oh yeah, guess he did.


Top 10 signs I'm nuts about a soldier boy man (thanks Teri!) who needs to be home soon:


10.
My body aches from holding my breath for a whole year.

9. Last night I had a glass of wine instead of dinner, just to stop my brain from thinking.

8. My vibrator is gathering dust. I'm ready for the real thing!

7. Every hot bald man makes my heart skip a beat. Especially if they're wearing camo!

6. My house is fully decorated for 3 holidays... and it isn't even Halloween yet.

5. Every time I turn on the radio, I hear the same song. One that always reminds me of him.

4. I am now counting by hours instead of days or months.

3. I start to cry at the opening credits to Army Wives.

2. Once thought-provoking blog posts are now a countdown of a mushy top 10 and task lists.

And the number 1 sign that I'm nuts about a soldier man who needs to be home soon:

1. Even I'm tired of hearing myself talk about him!!!

Today's tasks:

  • Get a facial
A girlfriend of mine who owns a spa wants to help me "look as fabulous as possible" before he gets home.

  • Work on the laundry
This way, it won't be one more thing to do on Thursday night....

Almost there.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Four

Today's the day that the kids are out of school early. I have parent teacher conferences with both teachers. I am also taking the afternoon off.

Trying to remember to breathe. My body feels tired from too much anxiety.

The high school classmate that re-connected me with my soldier has a layover this afternoon at the airport. I had planned to drop by for a little while to have a drink with him. Now I hear that his flight is rescheduled.

We had a great conversation just now anyway. It was good to talk to Joe but I was nervous about how much to gush over my soldier. These boys do talk to each other. Of course, I see parts of my soldier that Joe doesn't (both physically and emotionally) so I have to remember to allow my soldier to keep his man card, ya know?

Joe is very reassuring to me. It felt good to talk to someone who knows my soldier. He loves both of us and has high hopes that we'll all be able to hang out as couples one day. We'll see, Joe. I've gotta take it one step at a time...

It would probably be good for me to go to my A Course in Miracles study group tonight. I have to see if the logistics work in my favor.

I'm going to let God drive this week. I will make plans and see if they pan out. Otherwise, I'm going to take each moment as it comes and keep on smiling!

Today's tasks:
  • Try to complete the final pairings for our company golf tournament this Friday (so there's one less thing to worry about at work)
  • Breathe

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Five

I woke up this morning wondering how to plan out the last of the preparations before my soldier is here. I'm going to break it down and take it day by day.

Today's tasks:
  • Find the blue Christmas ornaments to complete the red, white and blue theme on the tree
  • Find Thanksgiving decor
He will be back in Iraq over the holidays so I've decided to decorate early. I am also decorating for Halloween and Thanksgiving too. We'll call it a Happy Hallow-Turkey-Christma-giving-ween or something like that.

  • Plan the menu
  • Make a grocery list
The boy doesn't want to leave the house much over the weekend (yay me!) so I will have to make sure the fridge and cupboards are stocked!

  • Make sure the sexy little nothings are freshly laundered
Yep, I bought a few fun items. I am still amazed at the amount of cash I will dole out for something that is certainly not going to stay on my body very long. The most fun (and least expensive) item I've purchased?




I watched a bit of the Ironman over the Internet yesterday. Holy moly! The man in first during the cycling portion was going 40 miles per hour! Sheesh! And this after swimming 2.5 miles in open ocean and trying to save legs for a full marathon to complete the race. Amazing!

I know my soldier is busily and happily enjoying himself. It looked like quite an event and very much like the Olympics all week long. Still he took the time to drop me an email Friday night.

*sigh*

Its so nice to know that he's still thinking of me while in one of his favorite places in the world working at an event that means so much to him....

Off topic:

Mom and I really enjoyed the major league soccer game last night. Oh my... there was eye candy and then there was GOD'S BEAUTIFUL HANDIWORK!

The kids had a blast too. It was less expensive than going to a major league baseball game, we had great seats 4 rows up from the field and parking was readily available steps from the entrance. We'll definitely be doing more of that!

Oh and Rose is on the A Honor Roll!! Woohoo!

I have a great week ahead of me. I feel happy, excited and calm. Stay with me, my friends.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Random Friday Thoughts

  • First of all, you guys totally ROCKED on the song suggestions yesterday. I look forward to making my sexy T cd!! Thank you for all the great music!

  • It has been a busy week, thankfully, to keep my mind off of things. Dare I say it? Only 1 more week til I get my hands on my soldier! I can barely stand it.
  • Rose scored her first goal in soccer last night. Our team is hopelessly bad. The girls, bless their hearts, just don't seem as focused as the other teams that are consistently kicking our butts. But that one and only goal last night infused something in my daughter I hadn't seen before - determination. She even got into it with one of the more aggressive players from the other team - the other player, by the way, was being coached by her teammates to push, shove and kick. So... my daughter pushed back. I'm still not sure whether to be proud or embarrassed.
  • I'm feeling much more productive at work. I've noticed I'm able to focus better knowing that my man's on American soil instead of in harm's way in Baghdad. I've been a multi-tasking fool!
  • My kids are so dang cute. Grace was trying to tell me something this morning and she's so expressive while she speaks that I just crack up. She thinks I'm not listening and I am, but oh my goodness she's freakin' adorable.
  • All of Rose's teachers are bugging me about pursuing a singing career... not for me, but for Rose. The girl can sing, I'll admit it. Everyone has commented on it since she was 3. She even makes up her own songs with mature lyrics about relationships. The kid continues to blow my mind. Yesterday, she busted into her latest song from Camp Rock and had her entire class captivated. She hits every note, has this seductive Britney Spears growl and belts it out. They are literally begging me to sign her up for America's Got Talent. Maybe I need to put her on YouTube?
  • We're taking my mom with us tomorrow night to our first pro-soccer game. I'm still learning the sport, myself, but I think its going to be fun for all of us. Its Fan Appreciation night and there will be food, music and fun for all the families. Mom and I are excited that the soccer players will be out mingling with the crowd and signing autographs. We both agree that some eye candy always makes the evening all that more enjoyable!
  • My sister is already asking me what I want for Christmas. I told her last year that I would be getting into cycling and would like gift cards to bike or athletic stores. She said, "That's no fun!" and continued to buy me something that I really didn't need. I have plans to do one or more triathlons next year so I'd again like gift cards. I wonder if she really wants to get me what I want or what she wants me to want.
  • I haven't even thought about Christmas yet. Well, I say that... I am decorating for Christmas before my soldier comes home. I thought he'd enjoy it since he will be back in Baghdad over the holidays. It felt a little weird when the ex was over the other night and commented about the Christmas tree in my living room. Rose chimed in, "Oh, she's doing that for her soldier." Um... yeah, I am. Should I feel awkward that he's seeing me go above and beyond for someone new? More on the reunion preparations next week.
  • Grace can write her name now!! And she's practically a sponge at school. Her teacher can't say enough about what a great little learner and helper she is. They had firefighters visit the school last week (ahem.. more eye candy!) and when I picked Grace up that afternoon, she was babbling away about fire safety. I still think of Dick Van Dyke every time she says, "Stop, Drop and Roll." Is it just me?
  • My brother did very well in the cross-country race last week. He had a blast and made lots of friends along the way. They may even be making a movie about it!
  • I've been making my own Chai tea lattes at home in the evenings. I think the spices are so perfect for autumn. I love to curl up in my bed with hot tea or cider during this time of year. By Christmas, I'll be drinking hot chocolate with amaretto and whipped cream... YUM!
  • I suppose I'd better get to work. I'm feeling like I want to be outside. Its a beautiful fall day and the kids want to go to the pumpkin patch. Maybe I can pull that off sometime soon. Looking forward to a great weekend!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Music to make you feel sexy

There are certain songs that just get me goin'.

Yes, I'm the girl you pull up next to at the red light. You know? The one who's dancing her fool head off, seducing the steering wheel and singing out loud like she's making her own music video? Yep, that's me!

I've been considering making a mix cd for myself to keep my spirits up and the juices flowing during those moments of trepidation about my soldier's return. I have a few songs in mind and I'm open to suggestions. I can't put my finger on what turns me on about these songs...

Is it the beat of it?

With the first few beats of Let's Get It Started by the Black Eyed Peas, my head starts bopping. Forget it, you can't go wrong with some Fergie and Will.I.Am.

I discovered a band called She Wants Revenge earlier this year. The hypnotic rhythms and sexy lyrics of their song Tear You Apart make me want to tear someone else's clothes off and hip-grind right into them. The song reminds me of doing whippets in high school and listening to The Cure.

The way the music wraps around your hips and gets them moving just so? (maybe its my Latina heritage?)

In These Shoes by Kirsty MacColl does that to me.

I also can't help but attempt to pull from my past belly dancing classes when I hear Hips Don't Lie by Shakira. (and she's just so damn hot anyway)

I do seem to respond to sultry voices too.

Seal's singing Waiting for You and I close my eyes and run my hands through my hair.

When I hear Sting's song Sister Moon I want to take all of my clothes off ever.....so.....slowly.

Maybe its the lyrics?

These lyrics from Jason Mraz's song Butterfly seem to do the trick:

I'm taking a moment just imaginin' that I'm dancin' with you
I'm your pole and all you're wearing is your shoes
You got soul, you know what to do to turn me on until I write a song about you
And you have your own engaging style
And you've got the knack to vivify
And you make my slacks a little tight, you may unfasten them if you like
That's if you crash and spend the night

But you don't fold, you don't fade
You've got everything you need, especially me
Sister you've got it all
You make the call to make my day
In your message say my name
Your talk is all the talk, sister you've got it all

Curl your upper lip up and let me look around
Ride your tongue along your bottom lip and bite down
And bend your back and ask those hips if I can touch
Because they're the perfect jumping off point of getting closer to your

Butterfly
Well you float on by
Oh kiss me with your eyelashes tonight
Or Eskimo your nose real close to mine
And let's mood the lights and finally make it right

But you don't fold, you don't fade, you've got everything you need
Especially me
Sister you've got it all

Doll I need to see you pull your knee socks up
Let me feel you up side, down slide, in slide, out slide, over here
Climb in my mouth now child

Butterfly, well you landed on my mind
Dammit you landed on my ear and then you crawled inside
Now I see you perfectly behind closed eyes
I wanna fly with you and I don't wanna lie to you
Cause I, cause I can't recall a better days
I'm coming to shine on the occasion

You're an open minded lady
You've got it all
And I never forget a face
If I'm making my own
I have my days
Let's face the fact here, it's you that's got it all

You know that fortune favors the brave
Well let me get paid while I make you breakfast
The rest is up to you, you make the call

You make the call to make my day
In your message say my name
Your talk is all the talk, sister you've got it all

Cause I can't recall a better day
I'm coming to shine on the occasion
You're a sophisticated lady, oh you've got it all

Oh my... I love a man who's good with words....

Forget it, after these songs, I am nearly panting with anticipation. Damn that boy can't get here fast enough.

I need some help! What songs make you feel sexy?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Receiving the love

After reading the post at Dad's House about needing a hug and Cathouse Teri's thoughts on the same topic, it occurred to me that I too have been stuck obsessing on the form of love I'd prefer to receive.

I think we're all guilty of it. That's why DVDs and books like The Secret are so popular.

If you stay positive and focus on exactly what it is you want in your life, it will come to you.

I believe this. I believe it will come to you. I have seen it happen. I also have seen it not happen. And when it doesn't happen in the form we'd prefer, we're let down and even more discouraged than before.

The first time I heard about the Law of Attraction and watched The Secret was about 6 months after the ex and I separated. I felt completely helpless and was convinced that life was going to let me down. I felt victimized, depressed and angry at what cards I had been dealt.

I was working part time at a chiropractor's office and one of the other doctors kept telling me to watch The Secret over the Internet. I blew him off every time he mentioned it. I didn't know what it was about and I had no interest in any woo-woo stuff. He persisted though. I'll give him that.

Well, this particular day, I was pretty fed up and as I signed into my gmail account, I saw an advertisement pop up about The Secret.

"OK!" I shouted to the sky, "I get it. I'll watch the damn thing!"

By the middle of the movie, I was in tears. Up to that point, nothing had ever left me feeling so completely empowered and in control of my as-yet-to-be-determined future.

I immediately went to my checkbook, pulled out a deposit slip and wrote out a future date and amount of money I wanted to appear magically in my account. Day after day, I stared at that deposit slip hanging in my medicine cabinet. I visualized it. I knew it was mine.

The date came and went.

I kept the deposit slip taped in my medicine cabinet and soon began to resent the damn thing. The money simply wasn't coming to me. Every time I looked at it, I became angrier.

It was about a week later that I began attending a friend's study group on A Course in Miracles. With ACIM, you are still responsible for your thoughts however, the goal is not materialistic wealth. You can certainly manifest wealth but it may or may not give you a feeling of joy or peace. The goal of ACIM is to bring you that peace.

After about a month of ACIM study groups, I went home and pulled down that deposit slip. On the back of it I wrote:

I choose to have happiness and peace in my life.

From that point forward, when I looked at that note in my cabinet, I smiled because I knew that my goal was achievable. It was my choice. And it was the content of happiness and peace that I chose, no matter what form they took.


I choose love.

That has been my goal this past year with my soldier's deployment. I have to remind myself that love may come in many forms. I have to be open to it, however it looks, in order to receive it. And I am happy to say that it has come in myriad forms, from my family and old friends to new friends who were once strangers.... all leaving me grateful for the abundance of love in my life. (That is my "secret", by the way, to surviving a deployment.)

I woke up this morning feeling more ready to receive it. I'm feeling that sense of calm again. It is a choice, I realize, that I have to make in every moment.

At the grocery store today, a complete stranger (and very handsome, fit bald man) passed me in the produce section. We made eye contact and I smiled. A few minutes later, he was standing beside me.

"Excuse me," he said, "I just moved here a month ago from Oklahoma. I've noticed that women here in Texas are so much more beautiful than where I come from. I don't know why I felt like I wanted to tell you that. "

Wow. I giggled like a school girl and told him thank you.

It made my day, receiving love from a complete stranger who asked for nothing in return.

That, my friends, is something to be grateful for.

Oh, and the money did come to me, by the way, and continues to come to me exactly when I need it. I try not to fight the timing or form. Everything is as it should be.