Relationship beliefs continued...

In continuing my realizations on relationships and monogamy, I've had a few more revelations. (Pardon my random flow of thoughts...)

Based on the Mr Unavailable book that I am reading, I have learned that if I keep choosing the wrong men, I'm going to suspect that they will cheat because I will always wonder if they love me.

If I choose the right man then I'll be fine. I could actually be with a man who adores me.

I'm sure that sounds funny but it seems my choices have always been "unavailable" men. I also know that I have been afraid, in the past, to be with men who adore me. I didn't trust it. I always had the nagging question in my mind:

What if they see my flaws? The flaws I try so hard to hide?

It just didn't feel right if I didn't have to work hard for that love.

I am learning to be OK about choosing an available man who adores me. I am learning to adore me!

I don't need to be afraid for a man to see me as who I am and I don't need to hide flaws that I perceive in myself. I am my own worst critic.

---

Someone told me that I still have "oats to sow".

*sigh*

I'm really only sowing oats because I'm not in a committed relationship.

I truly believe that is what I want.

But with a really kinky guy!

---

I see Soldier in both of the above revelations. I think he is exactly the same. I think many of us are.

---

My brother and my friend Gem dated briefly. My brother doesn't live here and he's a bit of a player. Gem started to really fall for him and checked herself. She told him that she wasn't interested in pursuing anything with him.

He's acting devastated.

"She's just being a woman." he said to me today.

Hmmm... I'm reminded of Soldier's frequent comments like this. And I'm remembering his telling me, "Its every man for himself" in the dating world.

My brother is so very similar to Soldier. Both of these guys are loving, sensitive and exude sexuality. Women are drawn to them (without even trying!). And both Soldier and my brother have dated many women at once. They're both afraid of being alone so they usually have a backup plan.

Both of them have openly admitted that previous statement to me. Both of them also admit that they want to settle down... eventually. With the "right" girl.

Then there are we, of the opposite sex, who say the same things about men. And I too, have talked about backup plans.

What the hell?!?

How are we ever supposed to come together in an amazing relationship when we come from such cynicism and fear?

Gem backed off because she didn't trust my brother, she didn't want to become part of his harem and she didn't want to involve herself too deeply because he doesn't live locally.

Why are those bad reasons? Why does that give him reason to roll his eyes when I talk about her? Does he not understand her fears? Could he not respond to her fears in a loving way?

I understand that we're all afraid of being hurt again. I understand that some of us come from a place of hurt when we enter in a new relationship.

Do any of us ever take the time to heal?

Does time truly heal or does our memory simply fade until we're back in the same place again, but this time with another person?

Do any of us have faith in love after all?

---

My spiritual studies say that all of our actions come from one of two beliefs: Fear or Love.

A Course in Miracles says, there is no fear. Only love or a call for love. Both of which have the same response: Love

---

When I combine these thoughts, from my book, my brother, and my relationships, with my current spiritual studies, I need to choose men or move into a relationship based on love and not fear.

I need to choose the right voice to listen to!

There have been so many times that I will begin to crave Soldier. Absolutely crave contact from him. It feels like a sharp ache in my chest. It is then that I ask myself:

Is that ache love? Or need? Do you feel that need based on your identification as his girl for so long? Or do you feel some sort of lack? A fear of not finding anything else?

I should come from a place of wholeness when meeting a man or entering a relationship, not a belief in lack.

A belief in lack will cause me to see something that I want to see. To create something that isn't there. To cling with hope instead of realizing... this isn't the one.

I need to be present when meeting a man or entering a relationship, not wishing for a future or dwelling on the past.

---

Its time to let the past go. Time to be here now. And remember that love is never lacking.

"Nothing real can be threatened.
~ A Course in Miracles"

Everything else is drama, ego, a belief in lack. Completely unreal.

"Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.
~A Course in Miracles"

That my choice is to forgive.

"To forgive is merely to remember only the loving thoughts you gave in the past, and those that were given you. All the rest must be forgotten.
~ A Course in Miracles"

And then I find peace again.

Its helpful for me. I hope I can hold on to the peace even longer and longer each time. Well, that's the goal, isn't it?


For more helpful reading about Monogamy and Preventing affairs, I also recommend Peggy Vaughn's The Monogamy Myth and her book Preventing Affairs.

Turkey Day Favorites

I was up early this Thanksgiving morning, warming up my body with some yoga before heading out to pick up Mom. Mom and I first ran the annual Turkey Trot last year in downtown Dallas. I had only just begun running as part of my fitness regimen again and that event was the first for me.

Running a 5K has become our favorite way to begin Thanksgiving day. Mom and I have vowed to do it every year.

On the drive to Mom's, I tried not to think about Soldier. Last year he'd sent me a very sweet email encouraging me before the event. I'm wondering how much longer things are going to make me think of him.

I always forget how crazy it is to attempt to run while surrounded by 34,000 other people, dogs, strollers, children... I spend most of the run bobbing and weaving through the crowd. I suppose it could be annoying to some but I'm always inspired by the random sights along the route.

Some of my favorites:

• A couple dressed as a pilgrim and Indian
• Various bands performing along the route
• People gathering on the roof of or outside of their fun downtown loft apartments to cheer us on
• A dog dressed as a turkey, complete with feathers
• A dog dressed as a turkey... cooked!
• One silly guy in his apartment, running on a treadmill and waving as we ran by him

By the time Mom and I met up at the finish line, we were both smiling and ready for some turkey!!

Before our departure, I was drawn to a particular band called Voodoo Blue that were playing on the plaza. They are a Stevie Ray Vaughn tribute band and man, were they good!! Stevie Ray's a Texas favorite so they drew quite a crowd.

My favorite part: dancing with a homeless guy to the music. I couldn't help myself... and his toothless grin told me that he couldn't help but let the music move his feet as well.

I checked my cell phone after we returned to my car. My FWB had texted me a Happy Thanksgiving message. That was very thoughtful!

I stopped by my ex-sister-in-law's house to pick up the girls from their dad before heading up to my sister's for dinner.

The ex was especially affectionate. Very weird. Of course, he was drinking and he always did get more emotional and affectionate when alcohol was involved. *sigh*

My favorite part of spending time with my siblings: When my sister, brother and I get together, we're always laughing and picking on each other. I'm always amazed at how we fit right in together without missing a beat.

WE HAD SO MUCH FOOD!

My goodness we are blessed.

My Thanksgiving meal time favorites:

• the cheese-potato casserole that my sister makes every holiday. A long standing holiday staple.
  
• the Puerto Rican beans and rice that my brother-in-law makes. Oh my... the spices alone make my tongue happy!
• the ham... YUM! My sister and I did a ham with Coca Cola. Wow!
• Cajun-fried turkey brought over from Louisiana by my brother. SO moist and juicy.
• Mom's cranberry salad (ala Mema's cranberry salad). It was my dad's favorite as well.
• Meat and potato dressing - again something my dad's mom used to make.

I had to laugh when looking over the table. You can tell we weren't raised with many vegetables in the house. The only green was the salad that I made. And the only thing missing were my Grandma's hot tamales. But I'm not sure I would've had more room on my plate (or in my belly)! Whew!

Now, the kids have had their relaxing bubble baths and their favorite: Mommy's winter almond oil massage.

Its bedtime for them. I'm sure I'll be right behind them.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving:

• Snuggling with my girls as they retire to their beds
• Feeling that worn-out tryptophan feeling from the turkey
• Crawling under the sheets for a long night of rest
• Warm thoughts of family and blessings
  
• Being able to sleep in the day after Thanksgiving
  
• No work tomorrow!!!

Woohoo!!

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!

We really don't have it SO bad, do we?

I have plenty to be thankful for this holiday season.

Last year around the holidays, I was 'walking in the dark forest' on my quest.... so lost and out of sorts after losing my father, falling in love and then losing my love to war. Not to mention feeling stuck in the limbo of trying to sell my home and complete my divorce.

I want to take a moment to copy some things that Soldier mentioned in his Family and Friends email from last week. This is the third Thanksgiving in a row he will spend in the Middle East, away from family and friends. He said Thanksgiving in Iraq is much like any other day. Nothing will define that day except perhaps the dinner will be a little different...

"Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we have to be thankful for in America, especially compared to what is lacking in many places in the rest of the world. Below are a few things I suspect many Americans take for granted that do not exist for the 22 million inhabitants of Iraq nor many other countries in the world. Some things for which Americans should be thankful:

• Electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week.
• Air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter.
• 94 percent employment.
• Grocery stores in every neighborhood, fully stocked with high quality produce and meat.
• Being able to drive from one end of the country to the other without having to go through military checkpoints or be concerned about road side bombs.
• Clean and safe shelter.
• Thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world.
• Ambulances, the fire department and police officers actually responding to calls in a timely manner.
• 70% home ownership.
• Being able to practice your religion of choice without worrying about being killed for it.
  

During this Thanksgiving season, I think Americans need to thank God they were born in the United States of America."

I realize that many of my friends are disappointed in the outcome of Soldier's visit with me. I, too, am disappointed. However, I do still support our soldiers and I will still be sending love and prayers to him and others who will not be able to spend the holidays with their families.

Think about what you have to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. Wrap yourself up in the warmth and comfort of your home, family and good food.

Everyone should be so fortunate.

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was 'thank you,' that would suffice.
~Meister Eckhart"

Relationship beliefs

I have an underlying belief that I need to admit to myself:

I'm convinced that all men cheat.


Actually, I'm pretty darn convinced that all women will more than likely cheat too.


My grandfather cheated on my grandmother. My mom cheated on my dad. My dad cheated on my mom. I cheated on my husband. He cheated on me.

I can even think of at least 3 married men, off the top of my head, that are have recently expressed interest in having sex with me! Sheesh.

Is monogamy even attainable or is it just one of those fantastic beliefs that I need to let go of?


The book that I am reading is asking me to reexamine my beliefs about men, love and relationships. She goes on about my relationship with my father (which I have examined for many years) and then about my expectations of relationships.

I know that if I go into another relationship with this belief, I know it is what I will find. A self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will. Hmmmm.... how to let this go?

The thing is, I am not really even surprised if it happens. It seems so obvious to me that monogamy doesn't last long.

I remember when my innocence about this topic was shattered. I was 6, maybe 7, and being quite the intuitive child like my Rose, I knew about my mother's affair with my father's best friend before she began taking me on outings with him. I can still remember how he looked at her behind my dad's back.... I knew it wasn't right.

Soldier and I had this conversation last fall. He was apologizing for being so cynical about relationships surviving a deployment.

"That's ok," I told him, "If I were to show you all of my cynicism... I would fully expect that you will cheat on me."

He looked surprised. And that's when we had the discussion about what would happen should I or he be approached during the deployment for sex. I didn't promise him I wouldn't partake. And I knew he most certainly would since he would have been denied for so long. Maybe that's why I didn't react when he admitted to me that he would be looking to have sex with many different women upon his return from Iraq.

Maybe I've convinced myself that I have to be open to it. Open to the possibility of the man I'm with not being true to me. Then there's the possibility that I may not be true either. Maybe it allows me to not fully commit. If I don't fully commit, then maybe it won't hurt so bad?

Maybe that's why I'm so intrigued with this (something the ex and I discussed as well) and this and I could totally see this and I've already delved into this. Maybe if I'm open-minded to it, maybe it won't seem so intriguing to the man I'm with. Or maybe it will and he'll be honest with me about it and share it with me, should the need arise? And I could have some extra fun too?

Maybe?

Then I'm torn because I'm also a mother to two little girls. I want them to have a healthy male role model in their lives. One who is physically present... not just one night a week and every other weekend. I think that maybe sometimes I do want to get married and have a normal husband/wife life again.

Was my married life normal? He was gone all the time and I was... lonely.


I went out with a guy once, an old friend, who openly admitted to me that he didn't believe in monogamy. I thought I agreed with him. By the end of the date, however, I admitted to myself that perhaps I should look for someone who at least believes in it. At least then, I'd know he'd give it the ol' college try. That guy I went out with? We only went on one date as he was eying up other girls right in front of me all night.

*sigh*

I don't think my grandfather, mom, dad, or my husband went out looking for another relationship or affair. I know from personal experience that I didn't. Temptation was there and... my relationship was in such a state that my resistance to it was... not strong enough. I did believe in monogamy at that point. And my husband during his affair? He couldn't handle how he felt about himself during and after his affair. So, he believed in it as well. Soldier? I think he's just damn scared of a true relationship. I don't think he trusts that he's worth it at all.

Which begs the question:

I wonder if my belief goes deeper. Maybe I have a belief in not being good enough or satisfactory enough and so... I have to try to be open to being everything instead? Could I let that go?

And would I be satisfied in a monogamous relationship if I stopped believing that the man I was with should be my everything?

Perhaps I should try to be everything to myself first.

There is more work to be done with this belief. I need to decide what it is I truly want.

I'm a kinky girl, I'll admit it. But hmmm.....Further examinations and realizations to follow, I'm sure.

Allowing

My girls are tucked into my bed here next to me. I never allow them to do that. I'm usually wanting to stay awake and have my own private "me" time... and besides, if I allow it too many times, I get begged for it more and more. They love to snuggle. Then again, so do I.

--

My FWB came by on Thursday night. My kids were well into dreamland. I met him at the door in a negligee that I last wore when posing in high heels for a photo that I'd sent to Soldier. I had to shake off the thought as I pulled it from my drawer. I didn't even have the time to tie the delicate strings around my neck before I heard the knock at the door.

I wasn't really in a mood other than sad when he called me earlier. I had just received Soldier's "Family and Friends" email that I wrote about in my last post. I couldn't stop the thoughts going through my head....

Would this be easier if Soldier had told me that he didn't love me anymore, like the ex did?

Would this be easier if Soldier had told me that our Friday night when we exchanged "I love you's" was just a sham, like the ex did?

I actually watched a little bit of porn to get me in the mood, knowing I would have a midnight visitor. I felt much better when I opened the door and felt the icy cold breeze on my nearly nude body.

"Oh wow. You look so sexy!"

He did say the right things. His hands felt good on my cool skin.

I immediately met his lips with deep, breathless kisses. I just wanted to be taken.

After round one, we lay simply in each others' arms. I like being with him this way. Almost (or maybe not almost) more than the sex. He's attentive, affectionate. He has a thing for kissing my back. God, I love that. Not many men realize what an erogenous zone the back is.

He was looking at me that way. I really hope he isn't feeling things that I'm not. He asked me about my grieving/healing process. He wanted to hear about how I was doing. Genuinely wanted to know. I began to cry as I told him about reading Soldier's email. He held me, caressing my arms, holding my hand. He likes to touch my hair and have my head on his chest while we talk to each other.

This is new for me. I've never had sex with someone and not thought, "what does this mean?!? what is he thinking?!? where is this going?!?!"

Its nice to live in this moment. He says he's enjoying it as well. He is healing from his divorce and still finding himself after being with an emotionally abusive ex. His touch is healing to me. And mine to him. It feels nice. I will enjoy it while it lasts.

--

I pulled out more Christmas decorations today. I am happy to see our Christmas tree with familiar family ornaments instead of the red/white/blue decor I chose for Soldier's R&R visit.

Rose was jumping in excited familiarity at some of the Christmas items I pulled from the garage. I teared up at her recollection of Christmas decor from previous years. I can't remember if she did that last year. Perhaps? I had to smile knowing that I was creating a tradition with my girls, even if it is something as minute as her Fisher Price Little People Nativity Scene that she's had since she was 2. And now, she's sharing those memories with her little sister, explaining the characters in the scene. Telling her the whole beautiful story of Christmas.

My girls are sleeping now and I think I'll join them. Their affection is nice. I should stop and enjoy it more often.

I should at least allow myself that much love.

Love. In spite of.

I am not a hater.

Many of my friends are trying to convince me that my life would be easier if I were. Maybe?

I.just.can't.do.it...

Last week, I suffered a relapse of grief, anger and blame. I hadn't heard from Soldier since he left my house. I know that he will throw himself full into his work in order to avoid his emotions. But I don't work that way. I was feeling hurt.

I started typing up a nasty email to Soldier and then thought the better of it. I try to think before I explode. At least with email.

After I settled down, I did send an email. And perhaps it was accusing. I wanted to let him know that I'd finally figured out some things and I was... I didn't say angry... disappointed in his actions. That my only expectation was honesty. I asked him to send back all of the videos I'd made for him and "any other appropriate items that should be sent back to me." I also said I wanted a clean break from him.

I finished the email saying that I still wished him the best that life and love have to offer and that I had no regrets.

Ten minutes later he emailed back, upset at my accusations and saying that I had a "vivid imagination". Ok, I felt hurt so I attacked and he attacked back. I get it.

He also said he had already put a box in the mail with the items I'd requested. He could tell before he left my house that I felt uncomfortable knowing that he still had lots of sexy videos of me. He also included more gifts for my kids and a thank you card for me. He said he was open to still being friends or... friends with benefits.

Seriously?!? I was pissed. Surely he's not reducing what we had down to just sex?!?

I had to let it go. Gem and several of my other girlfriends were very angry at him and told me to not respond to him. I didn't. I was angry too.

Then I had another revelation over the weekend.

I understood that he was reacting in anger to my anger.

That, of course from the hell he is in, he is not going to be understanding right now.

Yes, of course he's going to try to selfishly keep me in his life because.... he would like to have the ego (or cock) stroke that I could certainly provide (if I wanted to). We will most likely see each other at high school reunions in the future. We have many mutual friends that we've both reconnected with since our reunion. It would be easier to know that we could still feel comfortable around each other.

(Note to self: Build up a resistance to his charm, great body, deep voice, full lips, confident nature and dreamy blue eyes....)

I remembered that he had already told me that he simply couldn't be an emotional person right now. Its too difficult for him. So, of course, he's only wanting a physical relationship if I'm up for it.

(Am I? Hmmmm... most definitely not. A girl's gotta have a boundary somewhere! Note to self: see Note to self above.)

OK, yes, I might be wrong in my assumptions and accusations.

And, ultimately, it doesn't matter because both of us were just wanting to feel love.

That day, I sent him another email and I haven't told any of my girlfriends about it yet.

I told him that I was sorry for accusing him but that much of what he admitted to me, lead me to my assumption. I said I had been feeling angry and I apologized for throwing all of that anger on him. I told him how I tried to be exactly what he needed all year. How he encouraged the relationship and all that I was doing all year long. I said that my expectations were based on the potential built up in the beginning of our relationship and how he was so loving to me all year.

I told him that I now realized he knew he couldn't be the man for me much earlier than I did. And I spent the weekend with him still trying to fit him into the mold he'd carved out so beautifully in my heart. A mold he resisted because he had to go back to Iraq.

I finished the email with this:

"And you. You saw my self-worth even before I did. I was taking the crumbs you could deal out to me in the state of hell that you were living in... not even thinking that I'd never get the whole loaf. But you saw that I was worth the whole loaf. That must have been why you felt so awful upon receipt of every care package, card and love letter. You knew you couldn't possibly give me the whole loaf and you knew I was worth more than that. I now agree with you. That gift alone, David, was worth an entire year of crumbs..."

As expected, I haven't heard back from him in response to my email. I did receive his "Family and Friends" email update today. Dammit, he's so articulate!! His excellent writing style, knowledge, intellect and positive attitude in these emails makes my heart beat outside my chest.

*sigh* When does that part go away?

The package he sent hasn't arrived yet. It usually takes about two weeks.

I am letting it go. All that I thought I did that hurt him and all that I thought he did to hurt me. None of it was intentional. Nothing needs forgiving when we only do what we think is best at the time.

Yesterday, I looked at my timeline of when he's supposed to be home from Iraq. He'll be back in about 11 weeks or so. I cried when I saw the timeline dwindling. I remember looking at it and feeling so despondent for so many days and now... its almost over.

I feel like I'm still holding my breath for his safety. I want him to be back here on U.S. soil. It doesn't matter that he won't be with me. I only want to know that he's safe and on the road to recovery. Back on track to being the man I fell in love with. Even if there will be someone else who gets to hold his heart again. That's okay with me. I really do wish him the best that life and love have to offer.

I guess to my girlfriends, my "letting it go and still caring for him" appears to be weakness. I should "get mad and make him come begging back." Even as I broke down to Gem yesterday when confessing that I'd wished his deployment was over, she looked at me sympathetically and said, "Girl, you have a big heart."

As much as I try, I can't be one of those people who writes off someone else because I was hurt from the demise of a relationship. I always say that once you're in my heart, you always will be. (just ask any of my exes)

I forgive. Its just what I do.

I love. In spite of.

New friends, single parents and chocolate cake sex

Hmmm.... let's see. The latest in my life:

• Remember Gia, the stripper that I bonded with on that evening out with Soldier? I gave her my email address that night so that we could stay in touch. Soldier told me later, "She's never going to call you. They always say they'll call or email but they never do." Well, guess what? She emailed me and we're making plans to get together.
  
  So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Soldier Boy.
• I have a new friend with benefits. He's a really sweet guy who also happens to be a single dad. His daughter is Rose's new best pal at school. He's deserving of a blog post of his own so we'll have to cover that another day. In the meantime, his gentle touch is extremely healing to me.
• I met another single mom today in yoga class. This was the very first time she's taken yoga EVER and she's hooked. I'm not even sure why we started talking but somehow I knew she was a single mom too. Maybe its that exhausted look or the fact that we both agreed that just remembering to breathe seems like a blessing! She's fresh out of her divorce, still feeling raw and lonely. We've also exchanged contact info and hopefully will get together soon. She has a 4 year old daughter.
  
• I can barely concentrate at work because I need sex so badly. And I've even had sex recently!! I commented on another blog that it feels like Soldier promised me warm, rich, moist chocolate cake for a year and then showed up with vanilla ice cream. I mean, I like vanilla ice cream but when your mind's set on chocolate cake....
  
  I'm still waiting for my CHOCOLATE CAKE DAMMIT! I can have other desserts. I enjoy them but I can resist them. If you put chocolate cake in front of me, just give me a fork and get out of the way. And I mean that in every way possible. I need a fork. A good fork. Oh and definitely chocolate cake. Warm and Moist. *sigh*
  
• I heard this song today and it made me happy. I couldn't even get out of the car til it was over. I don't even know what it is about this song that makes me happy. But I was singing it the rest of the day with a smile on my face.
• I'm going on a trip to see some of my bloggy friends for New Years!! I can't wait! My birthday is the end of December so its a great birthday present for me. The ex even gave me his frequent flier miles and booked the plane ticket for me. Is he the best ex ever or what?!?!
• I found out yesterday that another online friend/acquaintance is in the middle of a divorce. Her daughters are the same ages as mine and she lives locally. I'm hoping she and I can finally meet this weekend too. Hopefully we'll be able to get together more.
  

Wow... I have lots of new friends in my life. And wonderful single parents to go through this journey with.

Isn't it great that we have each other?

Plenty

My mom was always amazed at the stuff I would come up with while I was sleeping. I wrote many a poem or song lyric after hearing the words in my sleep. I actually used to keep a notebook by my bedside to write all this stuff down. Now that I think about it, I actually problem solve while I'm sleeping too. I can remember many all-nighters of computer programming, getting frustrated and going to bed only to continue to troubleshoot and wake up with the answers. Is that weird?

"Plenty"

That was the word that I woke up with this morning.

The word plenty as defined by Webster:

a full or more than adequate amount or supply

As I pondered the word in my shower, I began to realize its significance.


I have plenty of love in my life. Plenty of blessings. Plenty of things to be thankful for.


With that word in mind, I went through my day looking for all the plentifulness in my life.

It began with the warmth of my home. I love my house. The kids have their own lovely space to play. I enjoy that I've made my bedroom into a spicy treasure that makes me feel so special. I like that we don't have a TV in the living room which means we're usually talking or coloring or jumping on the mini-trampoline. I love the two big trees in my front yard. I love that my vehicle is nice and comfy in a garage.

I love that the kids and I spent last night cuddled in their playroom watching Pinocchio on the 30 year old TV that used to belong to their grandparents. I was so present with them. I started to get sleepy after drinking my hot tea and so I snuggled up next to Grace. She was so cute, caressing my hair and face as I lay there next to her. How sweet and nurturing! I love that Rose wants to tell me all about her day right when I've tucked them in for the night. I love that she asks all sorts of questions about life and death and goes off to sleep thinking that Mommy knows everything.

I love that my girls know the drill in the mornings and get themselves ready (mostly) without me. I love when I can be patient with them and how they seem happy and so willing to do whatever will continue to please me.

I love knowing that Rose loves her school, her teacher and her friends. I love that Grace will go willingly into her classroom because she is bringing her favorite Disney Princess music to dance to with all of her friends. I love that our home, their school and my work are all within a 5 mile radius.

I love that my friend K wanted to take me out for a sushi lunch. I love that we can talk about anything and that we have always been that way - from our days as friends, to lovers and back to friends again. I love that K still gives me tingles where it counts though we've decided that we're not going to put his marriage in jeopardy again. (I love WILLPOWER!)

I love that my job is filled with wonderful people who genuinely care about me. I love that I, in effect, have about 7 or 8 husbands at work who help me to remember that I don't really need anyone else to clean up after! (Sheesh! I feel sorry for those guys' wives sometimes!) I love that the guys at work always check on me, making sure there's a smile on my face and if there isn't, will gladly offer me a hug or a word of appreciation. I love that they frequently tell me that my best feature is my smile.

I love that I can call my mom on the drive home from work and laugh with her about how sexually frustrated I am. How I can share with her that Soldier promised me quite the sexual fantasy for about 6 months and didn't come through the way I'd hoped. I love that she gets me, thinks I'm hilarious, knows that I've been with women and doesn't judge a single word that comes out of my mouth. I love that she will laugh so hard at what I say that she can barely breathe. I love knowing that she thinks I'm funny as hell and that any man who doesn't see my complete awesomeness is blind, deaf and dumb.

I love knowing, though my dad's best friend died last night, that it gives me some peace. My father was so frightened of dying because he didn't want to be alone. Its good to know that his best pal is hangin' out with him, listening to The Beach Boys, working on cars and drag racing at the track in the sky. And only a year after my dad's own death.

I love going to pick up my girls from school and seeing my best pal, Gem, the school's principal, who makes me giggle as soon as I see her. I love that my kids come running and throw their arms around me when I see them. I love that Gem, who is a beautiful, single and childless woman, wants to go bowling with me and the kids this weekend because we always have fun. I love knowing that my children adore her and that she and I will talk about random life stuff while the kids bowl. And we'll laugh with each other uncontrollably because we're silly like that.

I love taking my kids to a nice home-cooking restaurant where we munch out on homemade rolls before dinner comes. I love that Grace wants to crawl into my lap and be held like a baby while we wait for our food. (How much longer will that last, I wonder?) I love that Rose is reading everything now! (time to put away my favorite "Get the Fuck Away from me" PMS t-shirt.)

I love that my kids are well behaved and eat all their veggies before downing their Oreo dessert. I love that they always open the Oreos and lick the insides first. And that each of them did that the first time they had Oreos without prompting by me or their dad.

I love that we could walk next door and look at fun Christmas decorations and sing Christmas songs together as we walked through the aisles. I love that when I say, "We're not buying anything. We're just looking," they believe me and don't ask to buy anything.

I love that we could drive home singing our new favorite Katy Perry song (and the theme song for my weekend with Soldier) on the radio. I love that Rose suggested that we need to get back to my hometown to visit my 90+ year old grandma and grandpa. I've been thinking it and she, of all of us, suggested that we go soon. (I wonder if she knows something I don't?)

I love that their dad calls to wish them good night. I love that I could run them a bath and they would get clean, brush their teeth and get their PJs on (almost) without prompting. I love that they're all snug in their beds and its still early enough for me to get out this blog post and get on my bike trainer before bed.

I love my bed and my soft Egyptian cotton sheets.

I love my life.

I don't know what prompted me to wake up with that word in my head but I appreciate the reminder of the abundance in my life.

Spirituality behind the sex

In the About Me section of my blog, I state that sometimes I'm not sure whether to meditate or masturbate.

Its true.

I am not only on a spiritual journey for my soul but also a sexual journey for my body.

Someone said to me about my blog, "This is so interesting because I think most people think you can't be both sexual and spiritual."

I, too, have had that problem. It first occurred to me that I craved both the physical and the spiritual shortly after my 160 mile bike ride for charity back in May. Even though it was a seemingly physical feat to go 160 miles on a bike, during the ride I realized that I used my mental fortitude and spiritual strength to get me through it. I think that's when I connected the two.

I knew all about the body/mind/spirit connection from practicing yoga for many years. Still, I knew many yogis (including my best friend and yoga teacher, De) who deny their bodies because others see them as spiritual teachers. Yet, the irony is that yoga teaches us about how the mind and spirit affect the body. Even in Kundalini and Tantric yoga styles, the connection is made between the spirit and our sexual natures.

I wonder if the disconnect comes, not from spirituality, but from the shame brought about by some ancient-thinking organized religions. Somewhere along the way, we were taught that our bodies were places of evil and that we certainly couldn't embrace our natural sexual selves lest we be deemed to hell. Jesus didn't have sex so we shouldn't either.

I think we also tend to deny our spirits as well. We treat ourselves as human doings rather than human beings. We live so lost in yesterdays and tomorrows that we never stop to just see the perfection of this moment.

To me, that is the biggest shame of all.

Haven't we learned by now that to deny our bodies, to prohibit something that we, by our very nature, want, we only end up worshiping it? Or we make it something we should feel guilty about and carry around even more shame?

And when we deny the truth of who we are, we actually end up feeling more separate and alone and in the very hell we were trying to avoid?


Can we have a healthy relationship with sex?

Can we have a healthy relationship with our True Self?


(I am not purposely bashing religion. I find that we all have our own paths towards the same truth. This is simply my path and my experience.)


My heart is healing and feeling whole again. My spirit was never broken. Challenged to grow? Oh most definitely. And I am smiling and shining from such a depth of joy that I can't remember feeling in quite a while.

My body, also, is finding much health and strength again. I had to purge the experience of being submissive in the poem I wrote over the weekend called Master and Slave. I have never been submissive in the sexual sense before. Even when I was just experiencing the opening of my virginal doors, I already knew what turned me on. I wanted to take control. And the men in my life, before Soldier, allowed me just that.

Now that I've experienced that, I don't mind trying it again. However hopefully the next time there can be a balance between dominating and submitting. Both in the bedroom and outside of it.

I'm also craving sex again. I'm finding that when I do masturbate lately, I don't seem to have enough hands to touch myself in all the places that want pleasuring.

My spirit is growing. My body is learning.

The book I'm reading says that girls like me equate sex with emotional connection.

Doesn't this explain why?

Does this explain my crying orgasms?

Or does it stem from the once virginal belief that the man I would have sex with would be "the one"?

We think that a big dick or mind-blowing sex means that we're really connected and meant for each other. Maybe we are? Maybe we aren't? Maybe we just are in that very moment. In the moment of Now. Isn't that the only moment that matters?

I'm reminded of the opportunities I had for sex with other men during the year of Soldier's deployment. I would turn them down thinking that I should save myself for him...

Now I'm realizing I should save myself for me.

What a wonderful turn around! I'm not saying that I shouldn't have sex but I should be totally aware of me and what I'm doing/learning in the experience. Not planning a wedding with the guy.

Still, I wonder.... surely there's a man made just for me. A man who has some substance behind the penis. Some spirituality behind the sex.

Because that's the man that would be nearly perfect for me.

"Life must be understood backwards; but... it must be lived forward."
~Soren Kierkegaard

Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

I am reading a book that is helping me to understand my motivations and attraction to Soldier.

It is completely blowing my mind.

I wanted to finish the book before I posted a review but I am literally absorbing every word ever.so.slowly. I simply had to get this post going so that others could check it out.

The book is called: Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue (aka NML).

The book describes the "Mr. Unavailables" of the world - how they're usually emotionally unavailable due to their current circumstances (*cough* war, maybe?), past relationships (boy did I ever hear about those), and the way they were raised. I liked this part:

"Most Mr Unavailable’s have at least one tale of woe about a woman from their past who screwed them up and left him the way he is. The first few times he told the story, it was heart wrenching and cute, but over time you realise that it’s just a story and he is so disconnected from himself that he is giving you the watered down version where he has no responsibility and he gets to pretend that he was this totally emotionally available person. You then make it your life’s mission to heal his wounded heart."

She points out that women are supposed to present themselves as happy, sexy, have-it-all-together, well-adjusted, independent people. But men frequently get women to fall for them by playing this "poor me" role. They would never fall for us like that. Why do we fall for them?

Why are we attracted to broken men?

Mr. Unavailable is unable to be available due to fear and that "fear transcends relationships".

They're frightened of being alone but also have a fear of commitment. They are frightened of actually having to face what pain they have. They have to shut it down and see themselves as "Mr. Wonderful". And they need Fallback Girls to remind them that they are Mr. Wonderful. If a girl gets too close, she might see him as who he really is.

The Fallback Girl is also emotionally unavailable and has a feeling of low self-worth. She most likely had a strained relationship with her father (me!) or perhaps had a mother who had problems with her father and/or other men (um... me too!). She has negative beliefs about herself, love and relationships that she seeks out men who will reaffirm those beliefs. She also tends to be attracted to the drama of being in such a relationship because she's addicted to the highs and lows.

She will be attracted to Mr. Unavailable because she wants to feel needed and worthy. What better way to feel worthy than to find your worth in someone else. So, she keeps trying and trying to heal him so that she'll feel like the queen but he's never going to let her in. We'll always put his needs above our own.

It really hit home when she said,

"You need to believe in yourself more than you believe in them."

We equate our trying to heal (a.k.a. change) this man as unconditional love.

(Do you remember me saying, "I enjoy feeling like the light in the lives of people who are damaged."??)

Unconditional love can only come from a place of unconditional love of yourself. We (Fallback Girls and Mr. Unavailable) can't expect to give or receive unconditional love from someone else if we don't unconditionally love ourselves.

I was unavailable too. I had my own pain to deal with... my father's death, the demise of my marriage, my resentment of being a single mom... He was unavailable due to his impending deployment. Its no wonder we were seemingly falling in love. Like attracts like.

NML says about Mr. Unavailable and Fallback Girls:

"Until you grieve or face your trauma so that you can move forward, you will be emotionally unavailable."

I was getting quite a few comments about my possible co-dependence with Soldier. The Insanity of Organized Chaos also wrote a post about co-dependency that struck a chord with me.

The thing is, I now realize I was putting all of my value in what I was doing for Soldier. I was also taking whatever crumbs he could offer me from his broken state. I was content with those crumbs and letting his actions determine how I felt about myself.

I was clinging to the potential established at the beginning of our relationship.

During our weekend together, he told me that I was worth more than crumbs. I am now realizing, thanks to this book, that I now agree with him. What a gift!!

I'm also realizing that I always had a good sense of self-worth but chose to ignore some of the red flags and warning signs. There were many times I felt like something was off. That these Soldier's girl clothes didn't fit. Not that he was being hateful or anything but just your normal signs that perhaps we wouldn't be good together. I imagine that eventually, our relationship would have imploded. Or I would have gotten very resentful for giving up so much of myself under the guise of "unconditional love" and nurturing him.

I really need to trust my instincts. I already knew from my marriage that even landing the guy for a long term commitment didn't heal him.

I was keeping him at arm's length too. I was so comfortable with him being away because subconsciously, I knew I couldn't tolerate some of his behavior here. I could still lead my own life and still be independent whereas if he was here, I think he may have been too possessive, too controlling. I'm pretty headstrong and dominant and so is he. I now wonder how much of a healthy relationship we could have had, if at all.

Still, I ignored all of that because, like all Fallback Girls, I wanted him to be "the one". I wanted to be "the one" for him... the one who could heal his broken faith. Even when I knew, it was only he that could heal himself and me that could truly know my own value.

I don't think he was "preying" on me or even conscious of pulling me in and pushing me away. He did tell me many times that he was emotionally unavailable but I chose to ignore it. I chose instead to hold on to every golden crumb that fell from his heart. I chose to do this. I chose to force this to be what I needed. Just as he did.

I was thinking yesterday that neither he nor I are guiltless in this situation. Both of us were selfish.

But then today it hit me:

Both of us ARE guiltless because we only wanted LOVE.

There is nothing "wrong" with that. What is there to forgive?

I guess we were both looking in the wrong place for that love. Or else we both felt such lack inside that we simply didn't recognize it when it was right in front of us.

I am not even to page 100 yet of this 329 page book but I highly recommend it. It is very empowering even if she does use the term "assclown" to describe some of these men. I tend to try to be a bit more compassionate because... that's just what I do. Ironically, this book has helped me to be more compassionate, both with myself and Soldier.

The author also has a blog called Baggage Reclaim that I have linked to on my "Single Parent" sidebar. I'd definitely check her out.

Here's to the healing the Mr. Unavailable's and Fallback Girls of the world!

I had to post this song from Fiction Plane. This song and the lyrics... should be Mr. Unavailable's theme song. If the voice and face look familiar, its Joe Sumner, Sting's oldest son. And a heck of a nice guy:

Master and Slave

You were the master
I was the slave

You drove
I held on for the ride

You called
I answered

You pulled me in
I couldn't resist

You pushed me away
I stepped back and waited

You wanted to see more
I showed you all of me

You wanted me to go further
I kept going and going

You said stop
I stopped and waited

You wanted my touch
I gave you my hands

You wanted to be held
I gave you my arms

You wanted to come
I gave you my throat

You wanted space
I looked the other way

You tested me
I passed with flying colors

You suffocated me
I enjoyed it

You wanted me to trust you
I could have died while doing it

You wanted to penetrate
I offered up every orifice

You wanted me to beg
I was on my knees

You squeezed me hard
My body caved for you

You needed to grip
I offered my hair

You wanted to explore
I went willingly

You were right
I was wrong

What you didn't know was
I chose to do this

You never had the control
It was me, all along

And I knew it, even as I obeyed your every command
I cursed your name in my head
I laughed out loud at the experience of it
Every bit of the pleasure pain
And how it was expanding my horizons
For the next one.

I did it
For you
For me
And it was GLORIOUS

I offered you my body to do with whatever you wished
because I knew, way down deep....

You didn't have Me.
Not the Real Me.

I am not my body.

I am.

Crossing that bridge with lessons I've learned...

Music is so inspiring and healing to me. I was belting out this Seal song today in the car...

Crossing that bridge,
With lessons I've learned.
Playing with fire,
And not getting burned.

I may not know what you're going through.
But time is the space,
Between me and you.
Life carries on... it goes on.
~ Seal, Prayer for the Dying

Click on the link above to watch the video for the song. Seal.... simple, sexy, sensual, SSSOOOOOO good. And SO bald.

But I digress...


I've come to realize:

I have been choosing the "wrong" men based on my feelings (or lack thereof) of self-worth.

Goodness, even in that post I just linked to, from April of this year, I said,

"I've learned that I tend to be attracted to the 'unavailability' of men, and friends in general, for some reason or another. It feels like I am only comfortable in relationships in which I have to work hard. Trying and vying for someone's attention at all times."

Wow. I could seemingly type nearly that entire post here again.

The thing is, I didn't realize this about myself until this year of the Soldier.

This is yet another reason why I hold no regrets for my choices. Sure, I suppose they seemingly could have been the "wrong" men but weren't they truly exactly "right"?

I think they were exactly what I needed at the time. Each relationship has always led me to and prepared me for the next one. I hold no regrets for any of them. Not a single one.

Who am I to judge what lessons are in store for me?

"Remember how many times you thought you knew all the 'facts' you needed for judgment, and how wrong you were! Is there anyone who has not had this experience? Would you know how many times you merely thought you were right, without ever realizing you were wrong?

Wisdom is not judgment; it is the relinquishment of judgment. It is this: There is Someone with you Whose judgment is perfect. He does know all the facts; past, present, and to come. He does know all the effects of His judgment on everyone and everything involved in any way. And He is wholly fair to everyone, for there is no distortion in His perception."
~ A Course in Miracles

I am laying my judgment down... "not with regret but with a sigh of gratitude".

After all:

"Some of your greatest advances you have judged as failures, and some of your deepest retreats you have evaluated as success."
~A Course in Miracles

What the hell do I know anyway?

Music to empower you

Ironically, this was the song that my friend Joe and I danced to last year at our high school reunion. Joe was the friend who gave me Soldier's email address so that we could reconnect. I guess I've come full circle with this song.

Beyoncé - New Music - More Music Videos

Without sounding like a woman scorned (because I'm not), I am looking for songs of empowerment, songs of moving forward...

Since you all did so well when I needed music to help me feel sexy, help me out here. I'm looking to groove my way past all this.

Suggestions?

Relapse

If I think of the recesses of my mind... like a large home that I've built over my lifetime and each room represents friendships and relationships and moments tucked away in drawers... then I've been stuck sorting through one room in particular these last few weeks.

The Room of David.

A.K.A. Soldier

I don't feel like giving him the honor of being called Soldier on these last few minutes of Veteran's Day.

I'm hurting.

I'm angry.

I am not a vengeful, hateful or spiteful person but I am allowed this. So, I use his real name.

My mind has this fortunate/unfortunate habit of processing and processing like a super-computer until it comes up with a qualified and much analyzed answer for a question. I'm reminded of the big machines you saw on the old TV shows that would chug along until it spit out a card.

Well today, a card was spit out.

I couldn't believe what I saw. I was enjoying going through the drawers in the dressers in the Room of David. I liked finding the sweet tokens of affection and nurturing. And a giant armoire of patience!

Here and there, I started to find things that linked together. Old words spoken, times when things started to seem different... things that he said to me because, quite simply, he couldn't help but tell me everything.

And then when he could no longer tell me everything, I began to notice dead air.

I went back and retraced steps. Forwarded to the things that he said and the way he acted when he was here.

Deja Vu.

Now I know why it all looked so familiar.

I've spent today packing up the Room of David. Locking away all of those things.

Did you hear that?

That was the sound of the door slamming shut.

No chance. Once. Twice and NO MORE.

I'm done.

I'm in a bad way but I'll get over it.

Give me a few days.

I'll have locked that door and be in the main room of the house again, cleaning away the cobwebs of the present moment. This moment that I'd long forgotten.

This is where I should be.

Now.

Burning so bright

For our third and final theme, The Exception, Mama Llama and I are focusing on:

The Patience to Learn Deep Love Over Time…

Our initial two themes from the book Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, were:

The ability to sense and learn new things.

and

The tenacity to ride a rough road.

(And please check out Cathouse Teri's beautiful addition to our themes.)

I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching lately. OK, so I'm always soul searching. However lately, I have become more aware of beliefs about myself and yes, even things I gave up or put away in my year of being a Soldier's Girl.

I've realized that I was rushing through the process of moving past the hurts of my marriage's demise. Yes, I had moments when I was grateful for my ex and other moments when I felt as if I were looking at a stranger. But it wasn't until the painful deja vu of another emotionally unavailable man in the form of a soldier with PTSD, did I realize that I still had some things to process.

Another realization occurred to me on Sunday night. I put on one of my favorite cds to listen to on the drive home from my sister's house. The kids like soft music when we're driving at night so they will fall asleep. I chose Sarah McLachlan's Afterglow.

Now I haven't listened to this cd in years but I had grabbed a few random cds on the way out the door last week. I remembered how the ex and I enjoyed Sarah McLachlan so much. He was not an excitable man. Many times he came to see my band perform and he was proud. Very proud. But not excited. Forget it, when we would go to see Sarah McLachlan in concert, he was like a small child on Christmas morning. It was endearing to see him appreciate her... even if it was more than me.

I don't know... something about listening to this cd reminded me of how we were at the beginning of our relationship. I pursued him. It was love at first sight for me. We were both hired at the same time and worked together so he wouldn't ask me out. I joked with him frequently about it.

"When are you gonna ask me out?"

He'd always avoid the question. Then one day he retorted back,

"I'll pick you up at eight."

We were pretty disgustingly in love. Always calling each other pet names and lots of PDA.

Yes, that was the beginning... but it was over time that I began to truly love him.

Sure, in the beginning, there was lots of passion, fun, fights and throwing things. Then we settled into a pattern. I was ying to his yang. We each knew how to talk to the other person. How to soothe the other person... These lyrics reminded me of how he was to me:

Every time I look at you
The world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears
Dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest
But you take me as I am
When I fall you offer me a softer place to land

~Sarah McLachlan, Push

Somewhere along the way, we lost that. We got wrapped up in our own pain and sense of loss... whether it was loss of our beloved dog (who was our first baby), the loss of our freedom upon having children, the loss of our child (due to my miscarriage) or simply the loss of our youth or innocence. Somewhere along the way, we lost each other and that love that we'd built over our 17 plus years of being together. I suppose I forgot to mourn that part of it. That was the biggest loss of all.

Sure I would enjoy new love in my life again. But nothing beats the verity of deep love that has been built over time.

The very next song on the album made the tears fall even harder. I remember singing this song to my baby Rose...

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

~Sarah McLachlan, Answer

The patience to learn deep love over time creates such lasting beauty. Even if the form of that deep love changes, it is recreated every time I look into the eyes of my two little girls. Love that was created from the deep love between their father and I.

And I know this:
When the stars have all gone out, they'll still be burning so bright...

Monogamous but kinky; Confident but humble

I don't know who you are, the man in my dream last night, but I couldn't take my eyes off of you. I could actually feel your vibration from across the room. I can see the width of your shoulders and your strong back. I can remember the deep tone of your skin and the darkness of your thick hair. Your brown eyes searched my soul and you didn't even have to say a word. Please come back to me in my dreams again. It felt good just to be in proximity of your energy...

I have learned much about myself from the various relationships I've been in. I have also learned what I desire in a partner. I know what attracts me physically, as the traits of the man in my dreams, however, I also know that beyond those attributes is where the true attraction lies.

I actually started this list last fall and have added more to it recently. I am not giving out the whole list but I thought I'd share some of it here. Of course, these are all things I would like to think that I offer to a partner as well.

Here it is, my list of attributes in the perfect partner, and in no particular order... (Maybe it will inspire you to make your own lists):

• Happy - First and foremost, I have realized that the only way for someone to truly see me, is to have found his own happiness and true sense of self. After all, you can't love anyone else unless you love yourself. (I'm working on this too!)
  
• Someone who loves like I do - Yes, I choose a man who loves me without fear and wants to shout it from the highest mountains!!! (and that I love him like that too!)
• Kindness/Selflessness - Kind-hearted towards all people, life, animals, the planet, the universe, God.
  
• Affectionate - I choose a partner who is just as comfortable holding hands and holding me as they are being together in the bedroom.
• Positive - I love someone who has an optimistic view of life and love. Obviously I try to always see things, no matter how ugly, in a positive way. I would like to be with someone who inspires me to continue to smile in the face of negativity.
  
• A Good kisser - I choose a partner that loves to kiss.… Long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last 3 days.
• Romantic - Yes, I still long for the romance of candlelight, slow dancing and staring into each others' eyes. I enjoy talking with pure silence. The sensual touch of skin to skin and truly appreciating the moment with the other person.
  
• Availability - Physical availability, emotional availability, mental availability, spiritual availability. Strong and independent and yet willing to be there for me as I will be for him. Allows me the space that I need - I do love my alone time - and enjoys his own company as well.
• Athletic - Athletic meaning that he runs, swims, bikes or does yoga or something regularly to take care of his physique and not a body builder. I'm totally digging a man who can pick me up, has stamina enough to grind into me even when I'm on top, wants to be healthy and looks good.
• Financially stable - I choose a partner who has a great job and retirement plan. I choose someone who works healthy hours and has a good healthy attitude about work. Loves his job and is good at it, because he is fully present in all that he does. He works hard and leaves his job at work. I choose for him to have a healthy attitude with money; how to spend it; how to save it. Financially secure and with debt paid off.
  
• Good family values - I would like to feel completely at ease with this partner in allowing them around my children. I would love to fall even more in love with someone who wants to spend time and enjoys spending time with me and the girls. Understands the strong father-daughter bond and would like to be a good fatherly role model for my girls. I also choose for someone to have a healthy and loving relationship with his own family/mother and a good respect for women. Someone who has had an at least moderately happy childhood and good relationship with his siblings and parents.
• Forgiving and accepting - It would be perfect for someone to comprehend my relationship with the ex and understand that he will always play a role in the lives of my girls. Forgiving and accepting is a good trait to have anyway… about everyone.
• Honesty - I love a person who is honest with me. No game playing just "this is who I am". Someone who will honestly share his thoughts, feelings and opinions in a gentle way so that I feel love when he speaks. I choose honesty in discussing our pasts and future as well.
• A good empathetic listener - I love a man that can listen to me with every intention of feeling what I'm saying. Someone who enjoys that I can't tell a short story... I have to give you every feeling and description so you will feel what I felt. I feel like you get me, if you listen to me like that.
  
• Confident but humble - Confidence is so sexy to me..... Nothing gets me going like a man who's a bad-ass at work, in the kitchen, in bed... But even sexier is a man who is confident and secure but humble. Like, he's good and he can't even help it! Oh my goodness! This trait alone is extremely irresistible to me.
  
• Trustworthiness - I love just knowing that I can trust a man. Feeling that I can relax and let someone else do something for me. Knowing that this person loves me and wants only for me to be happy.
  
• Communication - I do love a man who is good with words. Someone who can communicate clearly, intelligently and openly makes for great conversations!
• Sense of Humor - I choose someone who is good at making me laugh or giggle. Someone that can be a bit silly and goofy with me because it's fun. I love being with someone who encourages me not to take myself and life so seriously. And a man who appreciates my sense of humor too!
  
• Patience - I think its so sexy to see a man be patient with a child or another person who is struggling with something. I melt to see a man be loving and non-judgmental around those who don't necessarily do things as he would do them (i.e. drive or cook).
  
• Respectful - To me, my family, my children, my friends, his family, his friends, women, men, complete strangers!
• Good hair (or not) - I do love a man with good hair or who looks good bald as well.
• Strong healthy sexy body - Uh… nuff said. I want to get wet thinking about the body that I'm going to be with later. I choose a partner who is very healthy, disease free and eats right.
• Monogamous but kinky - ok, its no secret that I like to explore all things sexual. I would like a partner with an open mind and confidence in his sexuality as well. But it'd be nice if he would share that exploration with me only. I choose a partner who loves sex like I love sex, will take time exploring my body and is concerned about my pleasure. I choose a partner who enjoys experimenting. One who enjoys long deep passionate soul sex. Someone who is so comfortable with themselves sexually that they can talk to me about it and find out what we like, don't like, etc. We can talk about it because we are as comfortable sharing our sex together as sharing a conversation.
• Faith - I choose a partner who has a deep love for God. Spiritual, not religious but open to exploring more and learning how to feel more connected to God. Understands that we can feel that connection through each other.
• Intelligence - I choose a partner who does love to read and research and learn new things all the time. Nothing turns me on more than a man who says, "Ya know I was reading something the other day about…" Wow. I love that. Especially when the topic is about being a better person, healthier, better parent, better spouse, whatever!
• Loves being active - I love a man that enjoys doing something other than watching TV. A little TV is ok though. I choose a partner who inspires me and the girls to get out of the house and do something active or fun. I choose a partner who enjoys doing things with me and my children.

I can actually picture myself with this big-hearted and loving man. Encouraging me to be the best 'T' I can be. Adoring me. Happy in his own life but wants to add to mine. Feels that I bring so much beauty and love to his life... and truly appreciates me. And someone compatible with me and the stage of life I am in. (Thanks to Dad's House for this wonderful recommendation!)

I choose a relationship where we choose each other, again and again, for the entire length of our time together. I know it is possible.

I can feel him. He's out there. Until then, I am going to be this list. We only get what we give away...

P.S. If you have a list already or are going to make one, leave a comment with the link to your list! This is a fun, empowering exercise!

Some of my favorite lists:

Literature and Love - Dear World
Single Mom Seeking - The man I hope to love
Attaining Me - What I Want in a Man
Bad Mummy - The Non-Negotiables
Ramblings of a Harassed Single Mom - The man I want to hold my hand
Going Sane in a Crazy World - Date Worthy in Mike's Book

A whole year...

It was a year ago today that I first began this blog. I almost said it was a year ago that I began this quest but that began nearly 39 years ago...

My first post was nothing more than an innocent introduction. I copied over the few posts I had written on myspace... I had no idea I would delve into my life here as deeply as I have.

I began this blog one day after Soldier left for his deployment. Yes, it was a year ago yesterday that he left for Iraq. I was having a difficult time with it yesterday because I was remembering that I was the last phone call he made before boarding that plane.

A big part of me wants to send him a card. I have sent him cards all year encouraging him... comparing this deployment to an Ironman competition.... reminding him of all the training and dedication of this "athlon" as he'd put into a triathlon. It helped him. I was already writing the card out in my head...

Hey there Ironman,

Its the last 10 miles of the marathon portion of this long "athlon". I know your legs are cramping and tight. I realize that your hands are probably numb from pumping you along. You're almost there. Keep your focus. Know that its almost over and you've done amazingly so far. The finish line is just ahead and you can coast now. You are the strength that feels as if its left you. Its still there... you just have to believe in it...."

The thing is, I won't do it. He needs space and so do I. I have to cut the cord between us. Its difficult and goes completely against the way I normally handle relationships but it has to be done. For both of our sakes but MY SAKE especially.

He needs to feel the space between us. He needs to know what he left behind.

I am happy that I began this blog, even if it was meant to be nothing more than an outlet during his deployment. I have made so many friends and I'm completely addicted now!!

Thank you for following along on my quest. Thank you for so much support, love and encouragement. Thank you for your patience as I treaded through waters that many of you have already been through. Sometimes, I didn't think I was going to make it and then I would see you all, standing along the coast cheering me on. I honestly think that this blog has been one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

Thank you. Here's to many more years!!

*clink clink*

Lunch, Dinner and Using protection

I met my friend Marie for lunch today. Marie is another very good friend (I do have a few!) from WAY back when.

Marie is very protective of me. She, quite simply, always has been. I was only 21 when we met and she was 29. Today, her latest motherly advice came in regards to moving on after the end of my relationship with Soldier.

"Please, PLEASE tone yourself down around any T virgins..."

This was her way of asking me to play it cool and demure when meeting new guys. I am a bold girl. I tell it like it is. She's afraid it will frighten off any new suitors. I'm thinking I should know right up front whether or not they can handle me. Besides, I have NO interest in meeting new suitors right now.

This whole "being protective of T" is nothing new in my life. From as far back as I remember, friends have taken me under their protection and given me unwarranted advice. My guy friends in high school would worry about me when I was upset about the way my dad treated me or if I crushed on some boy who didn't know I existed. My first roommate was worried about my boyfriend (that I eventually married and was married to for 15 years) and offered much advice against him. Men I work with offer their advice and other people throughout my working adult life have decided to throw in their .02 into whatever situation I'm muddling through.

I suppose I look like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm even noticing some comments that seem to offer advice about what I should do in my current situation. I guess that comes with having a blog and putting it all out there. I don't mind. I, in fact, appreciate the love, caring support and the worrying about me. However, here's something you don't know about me:

I will do what I want anyway.

Just ask my dad. (Well, ok. So we can't do that.) You could ask the ex. He'll tell you. I'm hard-headed that way. I got it from my daddy.

The thing is, and I've learned this through my own spiritual studies, you can tell someone something over and over again.....you can even speak from your very own experience....but the person you are speaking with will not hear you. They may not hear anything but the wah wah wah of Charlie Brown's teacher.

We have to have the experience.

We have to find out on our own.

Its the only way for us to learn the lesson.

God help me to remember this when my children are going through their own life lessons...

Tonight I met with PT-Law Mom for dinner. She happened to be in town on business and I was thrilled when she asked if we could meet. I brought the kids along too. What a wonderful, confident, sexy lady she is! We hit it off immediately and could've talked for hours if it wasn't for Rose's soccer practice calling us away. I look forward to meeting her again.

She commented that I looked great and gave me a sympathetic look. Huh? Oh yeah! Its funny to meet a relative stranger and realize she knows all about the sad weekend with Soldier. As I told her more about what happened and how he felt as if he couldn't be the man he thought I needed, she gave me a wonderful observation.

"That's the thing with being a single mom. When you date, guys think that you need them more than you do. Like, its a natural instinct for a man to want to fix things."

Wow. She's right. Absolutely that's what he was doing. And yes, I think it is true about some men wanting to feel needed. I know Soldier wanted that. Ok, enough about that.

I had a few of you worried about me (being protective?) in response to my flirting post yesterday.

Don't worry. I am using protection.

I said, "I am available now"... which meant, I am single again. Is my heart available to love someone? I don't think so. I feel as if my heart has been anesthetized. My heart is protected under lock and key, for now.

I am SO not available for another relationship. I am happy just being T right now. Remember though, that I have been alone for an entire year. Soldier and I only saw each other for a month prior to our separation before his deployment. 9 months prior to that, I had a brief 2 month relationship with J. And 9 months prior to that, I separated from my husband. Its not like I've been bouncing from one guy to the next. Its just not what I do. My quest is to find ME... not see how many men I can get through.

I said, "I'm thinking its time to take on a lover".... which meant. I need sex. Nothing more, nothing less. So far, it seems to be working out just fine.

Thank you for your concern. I have learned quite a bit about life, love and loss and I will continue to do so. I hope that you all stick with me and watch as I learn these lessons, the ones you already see on my horizon, on my own.

I'm just hard-headed that way.