Wednesday, December 31, 2008

One last donation before the new year

This woman, Marie Exley, is a war veteran from New Jersey who served two tours in Iraq. She returned home in July and faced considerable challenges reintegrating to civilian life.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has had ill-effects on Soldier and changed the story of our entire relationship.

Whether you support the war, give a damn about Soldier, or not... others are affected and you could be too... without even realizing it. You, like I was, could be collateral damage to the wars these veterans continue to play out in their minds, even after they return back to the United States. Would you have been able to tell that this woman was a veteran of two tours in Iraq? Just by looking at her?

Consider donating to this cause as one last taxable donation for 2008. Or click on another link on my sidebar to send a care package to a soldier you don't even know.

Thanks to all of you for your unending love and support this year. I wish you all the best of happiness, love, joy, peace and unlimited abundance for 2009.

Happy New Year!

Monday, December 29, 2008

When I was 39, it was a very good year...

Thanks to all of you for the wonderful birthday wishes yesterday. Thanks especially to Sage who directed so many of you to my blog. Sage, you are a dreamy cowboy and I'm happy to know you!

So, yes, my age in years turned to 39 yesterday and so far, I'm thinking that life is going to keep getting better and better.


I started out the pre-birthday day with a lunch date.

A lunch date that lasted 12 hours!! I'll post more about him later, if anything becomes of it. I'm not sure he quite knows how to handle me - he seems extremely shy and I'm .... NOT.

After lunch, we decided to see a movie. During the movie, I invited him to join my family and friends out for my birthday dinner that night. He and I saw yet another movie after dinner, during which he was very affectionate. The ending of the date was a bit awkward but... well we'll see. He has followed through with texts and emails since our date. If anything, it was nice to receive some male attention.


Yesterday morning, any attempts to sleep in were thwarted by phone calls and text messages from friends and family with birthday wishes. I finally gave up, pulled my laptop into the bed with me and began reading the emailed birthday wishes.

I am very loved.

I sat there, huge smile on my face and my heart bursting from my chest when my phone rang yet again. This time it was a number I didn't recognize. I answered and, after a brief pause, heard a man say, "Happy birthday!"

I didn't recognize the voice and asked, "Who is this?"

After another pause, I heard Soldier laughing on the other end of the phone.

Wow. The man never ceases to surprise me. We did have a very pleasant 1/2 hour conversation. He does want to see me in the New Year but he never made any revelations about a relationship other than friendship. With the possibility of casual sex.

I would normally read between the lines and try to assume that a relationship is what he meant to say. Yesterday, I didn't do that.

He may not know what he wants. He may be too frightened to be in a relationship. He may not know what to say or do....

But I'm not going to do it for him anymore.

I was touched that he thought to call me on my birthday. I am touched that he wants to stay in my life, in whatever capacity. I felt happy to hear him give me the date of his return to the States.

All of it was good but something felt much better after I hung up. I can't explain it, really. It was just... better.


As mentioned by my friend Rachel, I will be leaving for San Francisco tomorrow!

I am so thrilled to finally be able to meet so many new bloggy friends. I look forward to ringing in the New Year with Jim and finally meeting David himself! I'm not sure how consistently I'll be blogging over the next week however, I know that Rachel has something up her sleeve. You may want to check her site if you're not seeing much activity here.


I've recently gone back to online dating and there have been a few promising matches. One in particular has peaked my interest. He was one of the very first matches for me. We've exchanged emails, asked and answered many questions about each other. Everything looks great... on the proverbial paper.

We decided to have our first phone conversation last night. I was tired and hoped to get to bed early since I was up late with my brother the previous night. (Have you noticed a pattern with my brother? He always seems to get me into trouble!)

I called this man last night around 9:00 p.m. 5 hours later, we finally hung up so that I could go to bed.

We're meeting for breakfast tomorrow.

One of the books I've read recently recommended keeping a 'feelings diary' to log any emotional red flags while dating a man. I thought, "Well, I already do that with my blog."

So, in order to document my feelings about this match (we'll call him Professor), I would like to sum up what I know so far in a few words..

My head is spinning.


When I drop or pickup the girls from their pre-school/after school program, there are a few other little girls who greet me with hugs. This morning, one of them ran to me and nearly knocked me over with a hug. She looked up at me, innocently, with sparkling blue eyes and said the most random thing...

"I have a jungle in my pocket."

Perplexed, I had to ask her what she said since it was such a random thing to say. Again, she repeated,

"I have a jungle in my pocket."

I looked up at the teacher and said the first thing that came to my mind,

"I don't know what she means but I have had men say that exact same thing to me."

Sunday, December 28, 2008

A dose of E for my birthday

For my birthday, my brother wanted to write a guest post for me.

I give you.... a dose of E, my brother:

Hello all! Just a quick note to the T fan club. After knowing my sister for.... eh.... all my life, I've come to know this: It's cool to have a hip and groovy chick to help raise you from birth. When I was born she was just a 10 year old hippie. Although it did cost me my eye brows whenever I didn't answer fast enough on the questions of... who are all the Monkees, Beatles, Duran Duran, and what did they play? As I lay helpless beneath her straddle while she was armed with tweezers waiting to pluck. Thankfully the hairs grew back when I was 4. But I did learn that sometimes you just have to lose a few hairs in life to gain knowledge. Was it all part of her master plan? Hmmmm... I say with an inquisitive eye brow. (which is still grown in and just trimmed from my barber) My nervous twitch has since then vanished. I'm now comfortable with people getting close to my face again.

She... has been a light in my life, no doubt. Growing up, I would listen to her sing in bands and was totally carried by her voice. I was her biggest fan. STILL AM! She has since blossomed into a beautiful mother of two. Which just happen to be my nieces by the way. I love them to death and have the joy of playing Uncle Wee Wee with all my nieces and nephew. I can definitely appreciate the blessings the Lord has bestowed upon me.

I grew up with a great all-American family that turned right around and produced ANOTHER odd little bunch. And my sister T is one. She is just a single digit in this gaggle of people I have in my family. But if you were to stack us all in a room with the light off, it would still be lit because T would be there. I love you T! HAPPY BIRTHDAY Always! Your baby bro!

And this has been....
Your dose of E!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas Tales

I woke up this morning and joined the kids in the playroom to watch Bugs Bunny cartoons. Now that's how to spend a morning! I always enjoyed my Saturday morning Warner Brothers' classics. The girls are enjoying them as much as I did. Thanks to Santa for the perfect gift for Mom and daughters to delight in together.


My girlfriend Gem couldn't make it home for Christmas this year. Her flight was canceled due to weather. Poor thing. She was pretty upset as this is her first holiday away from her family.

The ex had his family over for Christmas Eve and asked me to join. I invited Gem along too.

Santa made a visit!!!

A friend of my ex brother-in-law makes the perfect Santa and arranged where he could bring in the girls' presents from their dad. Presents delivered directly by Santa!!! They were thrilled!

I still enjoy time with the in-laws. They've accepted that the ex and I are divorced but I suppose they do still wish we'd get back together.

Gem even noted how well the ex and I get along. She's never really seen us together. He was drinking and he always gets sentimental about Christmas. We joke around a lot. He picks on me. I pick on him. We hug. We're attentive to each other. When she said something about it to the both of us, we hugged again and both said, "We still love each other."

"Yeah, we do," he continued, "But sometimes I want to do this..." and began playfully mock-punching me in the stomach.

When Gem and I left with the kids, he texted me and asked me to let him know that we'd made it home safe.

Yeah. He's a good guy. It really is too bad we can't live together.


I'd struggled on whether or not to send a Merry Christmas message to Soldier.

I finally gave in and sent an short email at approximately 12:08 a.m. Baghdad time Christmas Day.

Five minutes later I received his Family/Friends email where he admitted that many of the soldiers don't even want to know that its Christmas. They're all tired after 13 3/4 months of a 15 month deployment and don't want to be reminded that they're away from their families for Christmas.

Well, ok then.

Then yesterday, the front page cover story was about the soldiers who were deploying or returning to Iraq on Christmas.


Soldier also attached this commercial to his email. He said this is really what its like when the soldiers walk through the airport terminal upon their return from Iraq.

What a difference than what soldiers came home to 40 years ago, isn't it?

They're all just ready to come home. Keep 'em all in your prayers.


My brother couldn't make it in town for Christmas. He is helping a friend who is suffering from Lou Gehrig's disease. My brother volunteered for Christmas duty so that his other caretakers could be with their families. It is now a 24/7 job.

Every year, my mom takes a family photo of the three of us (me, brother and sister) in front of the Christmas tree on Christmas day. This year, since my brother couldn't make it, my mom insisted we do the "missing man formation."

My sister happened to have the items we needed for a wonderful Christmas family photo.


I've gone back online.

I thought I'd give online dating another go. I started with one dating site and grew frustrated with the men who weren't local or who smoked. I specifically said, "don't bother if you're not local." and "non-smokers only."

Do people even read the profiles?!

So I've moved on to another site where I'm getting some pretty promising matches. This time I've lowered my expectations from "true love" to "new friends". If anything becomes of it, so be it.


I've been very emotional the past couple of days. I had a good cry last night. I suppose either its the lowest part of my cycle or I just had to purge some stuff.

I'm feeling much better now.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Music to make you Christmas-ey

I can't let Christmas get past me without sharing my favorite Christmas songs. Wow... there are too many to mention.... starting from childhood!!

I don't have favorite version of the song, Mary Did You Know, but it brings tears to my eyes every time. Especially the line,

"When you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of God."

I can't even type that without getting teary. Whew!

I also own a Christmas cd by Burl Ives. The ex still picks on me about that one. Hey! He sang and narrated Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!!! I remember when I bought it, the ex said,

"Now at the Burl Ives factory, they're having to ramp up to make the next cd. You've bought the only one they made!"

Here are some other favorites, starting from the ones I grew up with.

Bing is so dreamy... I mean, really.

Elvis was a family tradition.

One of my absolute faves. I adore Bowie and you place him with Bing?! Forget it, I'm mush! This is the best duet ever.

John Lennon moves me in so many ways. I wish war was over, John.

This was HUGE when I was 15/16. So many of my favorites were involved with this song. God bless Bob Geldof.

When Jewel hits the high notes, oh my... Her voice is so pure. I have a video of my Rose by the Christmas tree as an infant with this song playing in the background. Whew...more tears.

I prefer Harry Connick, Jr's version of this, but you can't go wrong with Josh Groban. This is one of my favorite Christmas songs of all time.

And Harry... *dreamy sigh* I love me some Harry...

Another great one! U2 is the best!! And Bono rocks my socks!!

And for fun... Classic scene from one of my favorite Christmas movies.

What makes you feel all Christmas-ey? Music? Movies? Food?

Seasons Greetings! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas ya'll.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The top of my tree is empty

This blog post is not in any way positive... which for some reason is usually easy for me. So, if you want to skip it, have a Merry Christmas and I'll be back to normal soon. Just thought I'd warn ya...

I've noticed a few times in the past month that there is no angel or star or ribbon on the top of my Christmas tree. I've questioned it and then forgotten about it.

Sometimes I considered it as a symbol of my busyness and would tell myself that I'd pick something up the next time I was at the store.

Other times, I realized it was a symbol of a much bigger dilemma.

It feels like something's missing in my life.

I'm still not sure either answer is correct.

I don't know. Life just seems.... weird right now. I suppose I'm feeling a bit in limbo or something. I can't exactly put my finger on it.

Maybe it's because I'm still at work.
  • I look forward to simply sitting with my family, talking, laughing and enjoying each other. This is the second year in a row that I've actually worked the week of Christmas. I would normally take the entire week off.

Maybe it's the feeling of even more responsibility to please people than I normally feel.

  • I tend to get overwhelmed when too many people require something of me. Part of me wonders if we could just be together for Christmas, without the expectation of giving or receiving material things, then perhaps I would feel more of a sense of peace and harmony. I still get weepy when I ponder the true meaning of Christmas. The true gift is what I'd rather be celebrating.

Maybe it's a case of the winter doldrums.
  • The weather is perfect for snuggling! Its cold and dreary. I miss cycling. I have barely even been on my bike trainer or treadmill in the past few weeks, instead relying on yoga to keep my body strong. I'm eating soups when I'd much rather have a cooling salad or citrus fruits. Perhaps Ayurvedically, my body doesn't respond well to winter.

Maybe it's a sense of loneliness.

  • I rely on my friends so much and presently, everyone is out of town or in deep hibernation with their families. These times seem to emphasize my 'singleness' more than others.

Maybe it's because so many of my family and friends are fighting their own battles right now.

  • I feel helpless to many of those I love. So many of my friends are feeling off this holiday season. Is it the economy? I feel most especially for my mother, whose husband is recovering from major heart surgery and still withering down to nothing. Not to mention the fact that she has no insurance to pay for all of the required medical attention to keep him alive.

Maybe I'm still mourning.

  • The trip back home brought back lots of memories of my father. And Soldier. I was also taken aback when one of our mutual high school friends told me that he received his Christmas card from Soldier last week. Soldier apparently said that maybe he and I would still be visiting this friend in Chicago this summer. Really? This is news to me.


    What does that mean exactly?

    Should I be excited that he still wants to be with me? Or assume that its just a "friends" thing?

    Then I get angry that he is deciding these things without saying anything to me or asking my input. Then ultimately, I am frustrated with myself for thinking that he has the power to decide what happens between us. I know that in the end, it is up to me. It does take two. Still at this time, he is my kryptonite.

    *sigh* again.

Maybe it's because I feel like a bad mother.

  • The ex is taking the kids tonight and I am so thankful.


    Shouldn't I want to spend this time with my children? Revel in their excitement about an impending visit from Santa?! (Who finished his Christmas shopping finally... whew!)

    Instead, I look forward to having the evening to myself. To snuggle up in my warm blanket and cry. How sad is that?

I've had this feeling before during the holidays, but only after the ex and I separated. I also remember realizing that this is a time for me to trust and have faith.

One of my favorite sections in A Course in Miracles recalls the Characteristics of God's Teachers. (We are all God's teachers, according to ACIM and my personal beliefs.)

The first of these characteristics is trust or faith. I struggle sometimes with the letting go, allowing and acceptance that comes with this trust. I am aware of my struggle so clearly in this time. I know that this is a period of unsettling - a time when I realize that I know too much to look to the external to satisfy my longing but too afraid to look inside for my own peace, love and joy.

I hope to release that fear, learn to trust and walk with confidence into the new year.

Maybe after Christmas, an angel will appear to me to remind me that my life is never lacking. That angel would be perfect for the top of next year's Christmas tree.

We'll see.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Projections, Presents and Presence

Thank God for the awareness of projection.

I went back to my hometown to visit family this past weekend. I realized, while driving, that I haven't actually driven back home since my father was sick and Soldier and I were falling quickly in love with each other. When I went back for my father's memorial service - which was also the last weekend I spent with Soldier before his deployment - the ex drove me the 3.5 hours back to the town were I was born and raised.


These thoughts were like fresh wounds when the the kids and I stopped at my normal halfway point. I always have to make that stop for bathroom break and horrible fast food. I don't know why but we've always done it, since I was a small child, and it's one of the only times you'll catch me eating fast food.

(I'm paying for it today.)

Surely it was pure projection that brought in a handsome soldier, still in his uniform.

I must have imagined his sandy blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes. Those blue eyes made contact with mine, locked gazes, until my children distracted me by begging for ice cream. He walked past me again, looking my way, almost like we knew each other but had to pretend we didn't. I'm sure he dismissed me as a married mother of two. Or perhaps someone else who was too in awe to simply reach out a hand and say, "Thank you for protecting our country."

Nevertheless, he was gone. Or perhaps I made him up.


I'm certain it was my own melancholy that I noticed in the demeanor of my aging grandparents.

My grandfather, age 92, was sitting in his plastic chair on the front porch, looking for deer that might peek from the woods across the way. My grandmother, who just turned 95, can always be found by following the oxygen line from the tank in the middle of the living room. She gets upset that she's not very good at entertaining us. I tried explaining that after age 80 or so, she's excused from the chore of entertaining. We should be waiting on her... but she's hardheaded, pushing her walker around the kitchen, offering us food and drink.

They seem lost in a sort of limbo. They've lived long, full, happy/sad lives but, I suppose, realize their time is short. Surely it was my own sadness that I noticed in their still bright eyes. Their bodies frustrate them but their spirits are ever so strong.


It must have been my own loneliness that I noticed in my brother's silence this weekend.

He seemed as if the world was dragging him down and more than once used the term "caged" to describe his life.

He's always drawing in new friends and attracting more girls than I can even keep up with. Yet his apartment (cage) looked so desolate and lonely. I even took a portion of the morning, while he was out running errands, to offer a bit of a woman's touch. I scrubbed the hardened toothpaste from his bathroom sink, vacuumed around his video toys and made his bed. I'm not sure he even noticed.

My brother loves to drive. I only drove in my hometown for 3 years as opposed to the nearly 20 years I've been driving here. I don't remember much but certain things conjure up a time of my teen years, living carelessly and numerous outings with my friends. I wonder if my brother could sense the pang I felt as we drove past my old high school. It looks so different now, now that we're all grown up and not living so carelessly anymore. I wanted to get out and run on the old soccer field where, 22 years ago, Soldier used to goalie and I never watched a game, so unaware of his mad high school crush on me.

No words needed to be spoken when my brother drove the girls and I out to his "secret escape". His own private oasis was off the beaten path and near the river that runs so red and furious. He also took us on a drive out to some old plantations where the kids made friendly with a horse who was interested in the grass on the other side of his fence. The kids chatted away while my brother and I bonded silently over the escape from reality.

Was I projecting or did we both simply need to get away?


Maybe I haven't fully mourned the loss of my father.

That awareness seemed to envelope me in the arms of my dad's widow who still sleeps in the bed and house where my father died. This was my first visit since that day... that day I stood in the doorway to his bedroom and told her,

"I can't go! I know this will be the last time I see him... and I just can't go...."

I remember the struggle and I remember her words,

"T, he loves you. He knows you are with him. When you're here, he loves that you're around but even when you're not here, he still talks to you like you are."

I am still in awe of her strength. My father was in the bedroom dying and her own father was in the other room dying as well. She lost both her husband and her father within 2 weeks of each other.

It was my own sense of loss that I felt in that house, in her arms, in the quiver of her voice as she bid me goodbye. She said this year was even more difficult than last year. Christmas... was always my daddy's favorite time of year.


I'm certain of my own bitter resentment when I talked to the ex tonight.

I've learned with years of practice how to determine what and how much alcohol he has consumed via his voice on the phone. I would say tonight, he was probably in mid-second martini. He was thrilled to have his Christmas shopping completed, wrapped and ready to go.

I, on the other hand, am not so fortunate as I have two little hangers-on with me at nearly every moment of the day. Sure, I've had plenty of other free weekends I could have been shopping at the store or online. I didn't and now I'm feeling resentful that he's finished and off all next week. Yet he's only taking the girls one night before Christmas because he will have them the following week while while I travel out of town.

I was still driving home in the dark, the only grown-up in the car, while my little ones begged for their own beds and the time of our arrival home.

I have to complete more tasks at work before the end of the year.

I am a wound up ball of memories at the moment and I've yet to tell Santa what my babies want for Christmas.

(I just found out myself.)

It was 16 years ago today that we were married. I'd forgotten that until just now. Maybe a part of me remembered...

I could have easily lashed out in attack at him. Then I had to laugh at my own weariness.


I have to take a deep breath and release all of this. All of these projected memories are clouding my moments.

I need more presents for my kids. I need more Presence for myself.

Christmas is more than these things. Of this, I am painfully aware. I also remember why I've avoided going back home all year. I couldn't bear it.

I hope a good night's sleep in my own bed will help me to remember the love in all of those places and faces back home.

Home is where the heart is, right?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Is this thing on?

Ok lurkers... its time to step up to the mike.

I am amazed to see how many people visit here. Sure, the stats are waning with the insanity that is the holidays, but it still blows my mind to see comments from people I never knew were reading. As with most bloggers, I LOVE comments!

Funny, when I check the search terms in my statistics, the post that gets the most attention is the one on double penetration. Heh. Sorry to disappoint.

I was hoping you all would chime in and say hello? Maybe Merry Christmas (or whatever you're celebrating or not celebrating)? Happy Birthday or something?!? (The 28th, people. The 28th is my birthday.)

What do you enjoy reading about? Is there anything you want to see more or less of?

Strictly out of curiosity, of course, it is my blog and if you've been reading along, you know that I'll do what I want anyway.

Still, its always fun to know who's following along the quest.

The stage is all yours.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Hippos, Fake Boobs, Lights and Lollipops

Rose is singing this damn song over and over again. She heard it once - ONE TIME - and she kept asking, "Is this a kid singing this song?"

She couldn't believe it was a grown adult singing. And now, she's singing it endlessly.

Eh, it could be worse. I always get stuck on Feliz Navidad.


I mistakenly opened a can of worms with Rose last week.

We received a sports magazine in the mail and she was looking at the pictures of the cheerleaders. She does the same thing with my Victoria's Secret catalogs.

She’s just like me. I frequently would sneak peeks at my dad’s Playboy and Penthouse magazines when I was a little girl. I was endlessly fascinated with women’s bodies.

She found this one picture of a girl with WAY OBVIOUSLY fake boobs and she said,

“Mommy, her boobs are GINORMOUS!”

And I said, without thinking,

“Yep, they’re fake too.”

Her eyes were like saucers. She spent the rest of the night asking me about the how’s and why’s of fake boobs. Great. Now I’m sure her friends’ parents will be calling me with,

“Your daughter told my daughter that some women have fake boobs!”



The kids and I went out Sunday night to a neighborhood that is famous for its Christmas lights. This neighborhood actually offers horse drawn carriage rides to see the lights more closely.

One home in particular went way above and beyond what you'd expect to see in a normal neighborhood setting. They had so many lights... I mean, a TON of lights... all synchronized to music. There was a sign in the front yard with a radio station to tune to so that you could listen to the music and watch the lights dance in their front yard. We watched in complete awe!

I can't even imagine living next door to these people. I don't even think I'd bother putting up lights with that next door. On their radio station, they said that it took them 13 months to set it all up.

13 months!!

And the kids are begging me,

"Mommy, why can't we have lights like that!"


The cool thing was that the whole thing was for charity. Operation Homefront was their charity of choice, supporting the families of deployed soldiers.

We gave a few dollars and of course, I thought about you know who.


The ex has been taking the girls swimming on the weekends they're with him. He joined a recreation center that has an indoor swimming pool. They enjoy it and I'm glad they're getting in some exercise instead of sitting in front of the TV.

The other night, he was here at the house and said,

"I'm not sure I should be changing clothes in front of the girls anymore."

Rose was used to seeing her daddy naked. We were all in the same house until she was 4 years old. She knows the difference between a penis and a vagina.

Yes, I'm one of "those" moms who teaches the actual biological names for body parts. No "wee wee" or "pee pee" here.

Well, my Grace hasn't really seen such things. She was only 1 when her daddy moved out.

Apparently, while changing at the recreation center last weekend, Grace caught a glimpse of her daddy naked. Then she announced,

"Daddy, your vagina looks like a lollipop."

We were both doubled over in giggles as he told me this story. Of course, ever the big sister, Rose spoke up,

"That's not a vagina. That's a penis!"

Wow. Kids are funny.

They definitely keep me on my toes!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Pondering the Orgasm

"An orgasm is like the period at the end of the sentence. I like the verbiage."
-Jenna Jameson

Amen sister.

I watched porn star Jenna Jameson on Wiliam Shatner's Raw Nerve over the weekend.

After watching the interview, I began pondering the differences between the men I've been with sexually... and the way they made love to me.

I've noticed with some men, it seems like getting a woman to achieve orgasm is their only goal. I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm all about a man wanting to please me and help me to reach such a glorious climax. But I agree with Jenna...

Its not only the destination but the journey that I enjoy.

OK, its no secret that a woman likes foreplay. But for me, foreplay could just as easily be a stimulating conversation. A wonderful meal. (To me, food says a lot sexually.) A nice hot bath. A glass of wine will make me putty in your hands. Give me a martini and I will make you putty in my hands. A kiss on the neck. Fingers down my spine. Hands in my hair.

Or... oh my! Tell me what you want to do to me!!! Yes!

Why stop?!? Why go straight for the goods to get me to orgasm?

I can understand the tension building. The desire bubbling. Let's play with that a while.

Shedding clothes can be another wonderful form of foreplay. The anticipation may be growing but let's pause a moment.

Don't you want to savor this time?! Why have it end so quickly?

Soldier once said to me, "You're a woman. You can have multiple orgasms."

Yes, yes I can. But I still like to take things slowly. I like to stop time. Look into the eyes of the person I'm with and breathe with their breath. Feel the vibration of their skin. I will shudder in ecstasy with sensual kisses on my back, my fingers in the mouth of my lover, being on my knees and waiting. All of it... will send me into tiny earthquakes.

Now, these tiny earthquakes are good. Don't think that I'm done yet. Oh no. You'll know when I'm done.

And don't pressure me. That is the worst! You will never get me to orgasm by asking me "Did you come yet?"

Well, I was getting there but now that you mention it...

Let's start slow and let it build.

Did you know that a man can achieve multiple orgasms too?

Let's take this to a whole new level. Let me explore every inch of you and savor you like my favorite chocolate.

Did you know that I can get turned on by turning you on?

I want to enjoy you. I want to be enjoyed.

Tease me. Tantalize me.

Oral sex is good but you can work your way there. Do it because you love it. Do it because you like to see me squirming around, pulling your head into me. Do it because it tastes good to you.

Don't do it because you feel like you have to!

(And ladies, I'm sure they'd say the same thing about us.)

I love what you're doing to me but if you're paying attention, you will find that oral is only one of many ways you can bring me to orgasm. You could just as easily continue along the exploration of tiny earthquakes and find me quivering from the least expected touches and penetration.

Those tiny earthquakes can turn into an all out earth-moving experience for the both of us.

Yes, tiny earthquakes are good but when I orgasm, you'd better hold on or you will be pulling me off the ceiling. I'm loud and I'm strong.

But I still won't be done. We'll just be getting started...

Monday, December 15, 2008

A new contract

I've said this before ---

I believe that in relationships, we all initially sign this "unwritten contract" of who we will be in relation to the other person.

Hence when the form of the relationship changes, i.e. divorce, break-up, sobriety, major life change, both parties in the relationship have to find new ground and create a new normal. Subsequently, there is a new contract or else the relationship ends.

I have, for the past month, been searching out the new ground with Soldier. Sometimes it is downright painful but bear with me, it is part of my temperament to have resolution.

I am friends with every man I've ever been with, with the exception of the first one, and only because I have lost contact with him. I know it is possible, with time, to create a new contract.

However, the challenge is that I am dealing with a man who is completely different depending on which way the wind is blowing that day.

During this past year, he was supportive, loving and very thoughtful. Then, over our weekend together during his leave, he was distant, cold, then panicked and ultimately, bid me a very bittersweet goodbye.

Since he's been back in Iraq, our communication has declined dramatically, as we'd discussed. Sometimes, he responds immediately and will write paragraphs. Other times, he may not respond for days and only sends one line responses.

But his tone in the emails I have been receiving are strikingly similar to the ones he sent prior to his leave. He's almost acting as if nothing has changed!

I'm having trouble creating this new normal because I can't figure him out.

Lately, I had finally come to the realization that the new form of our relationship is going to have to wait until he's back in the United States, healthy and happy again. Perhaps then, we can talk like we used to, laugh and enjoy each others' company again. As friends.

I'd also decided that I was being over-analytical about his emails because I'm trying to create this new contract. I'm trying too hard. I have to have space away from him.

So, when I received his latest few emails over the weekend, I didn't respond. He knows the dates when his troop replacements will be moving in and he's already sending items back home. I'm so very excited for him. He will be home sooner than I can even believe.


Today, I worked from home. I'm tired from the weekend and a surprise visit from my brother... who keeps me up all night with movies or playing cards or some silliness. Its below FREEZING outside and quite frankly, I get more done from home.

The postman rang my doorbell today. I was perplexed when he handed me a big box but I recognized the handwriting immediately.

Soldier had sent me a care package for my birthday.

I was a mess. I was literally crying so hard that I was getting sick.

What the hell am I supposed to do with this?!?!?

Every time I feel strong, every time I feel that I will let him go... he does something like this. I'm reminded of a scene from the Godfather...


He sent it early, probably assuming that it would take forever with the holidays. It was nothing much, what he sent (including more gifts for my girls), but the very fact that he thought of me, early enough to send me something for my birthday… and from Iraq…


And that’s why it makes me cry. Because I have deep faith that he’s still in there, buried deep beneath the hard exterior. But I’m tired of banging my head against the hard exterior. I need him to soften… more and MORE OFTEN… because I just don’t know how to be anything else but me and I can’t take the inconsistency.

I have to let go - for me and for him. For now.

I will give enough for him to know that I do not judge him, that I still care but that I will not stand to be treated as he treated me while he was here. I think he knows that. He’s actually sent more care packages in the past month than all of last year.

I am simply taking a stand. I will keep my arms open but my heart protected. I know that I am worth more than what he is offering me right now. Whether or not anything becomes of us, and I really don’t know what that means, he is still a beautiful spirit and I cherish his presence in my life.

Yes, I did email him after I calmed down. I said thank you and told him that he was a thoughtful (albeit sneaky) friend. And I left it at that.

Oh and on another note, check out the link in my sidebar for You can foster a soldier and send a care package. Its easy! I fostered a soldier for Christmas from my home state!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

"You look like somebody famous"

Doesn't everyone hear this?

When I meet someone new for the first time, I can feel them evaluating my face. I always wonder what they're thinking and then I get my answer:

"Do you know who you look like?"

They ponder a moment and then point at me,

"Yeah! You look just like so and so on such and such movie or TV show!"

Perhaps it is a pickup line?

I've searched out photos of these famous people and... I don't know. I suppose we all look like somebody but its difficult for me to be objective about myself. My most unique feature are my eyes and I have noticed that the famous people I supposedly look like all have the same big eyes. I am learning to say thank you to such compliments anyway.

When I was a teenager, I was frequently told I look like Brooke Shields. We apparently had the same eyebrows... I'm a big fan of tweezing now.

This next one was a new one. Because she's blonde, I didn't understand it at first. Then I was all... Ooooohhhh, its the eyes! Goldie Hawn:

Then there was Charlotte Ross of NYPD Blue fame. Another blonde but damn sexy and sassy. Hey I don't mind that comparison at all!

Sarah Strange from Men in Trees... ok, maybe.

There's always somebody that I've never heard of or don't recall. Its never the same person twice either. Weird.

What do you think?

I don't know. Without all the professional photography experience, great camera and airbrushing, I think I look just like.... ME!

Well, ok, I also look just like my Mama too!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

16 Random Things (and then some)

My grandma turned 95 today. Oh my! When I called her this morning to wish her a happy birthday, I said, "95?! Mema, that's just CRAZY!"

She said, "Crazy? Nah, that's just fact!"


I've discovered a website through a few other blogs that is great for Christmas shopping. Have any of you seen or heard of

Go to the site and do a search for mature items.

I'm just sayin'. There's some fun stuff there. I mean, who couldn't use some red flannel pasties... keep 'em warm girls!


Hey, apparently more sex means less stress? So, having TNT as a friend with benefits is healing in more ways than previously thought, eh?


Someone tagged me to come up with 16 random things about me. Hmmm... haven't I come up with 3 things already? No? Those don't count? Well... OK:

  1. I drink close to a gallon of water a day. Seriously.
  2. I love to see movies by myself. Yes, even at the movie theatre.
  3. I can resist anything sweet... ANYTHING... except chocolate cake.
  4. One of the coolest things I've ever experienced in my life was scuba diving off the coast of Kauai during a whale migration. I didn't see them but I heard them, loudly, singing to each other in the depths of the ocean. Second to that dive was diving on the Great Barrier Reef of Australia. Awesome is a huge understatement.
  5. The tip of my nose is cold nearly all the time. Especially in winter.
  6. I frequently feel the need to break into song for no reason. I can't even help it. Often I wish life was like a musical so it would be accepted in normal society.
  7. When I was 8 years old and first learning to ride a bike, I lost control and fell. My father happened to be edging the lawn and I, somehow, fell on the blade. I lost so much blood that I had to stay in the hospital for nearly a month. And relearn how to walk.
  8. I actually slip into meditation while I'm washing dishes.
  9. My mom and I have a sixth sense with each other. We always know when the other one is going to call. Once, we both dialed each other at the exact same time and the phones didn't even ring. We were just... already there.
  10. I am extremely sensitive to scents. I get nauseous around flowery perfumes. The only scents I can tolerate are vanilla and some fruit smells.
  11. I LOVE hotels. I have ever since I was a child. I have no idea why. Even when I traveled extensively with work, I never grew tired of hotel rooms.
  12. I still think Bugs Bunny was the best cartoon series like ever.
  13. All of my grandparents lived to their mid-90's (and counting). I may be here a while.
  14. In this well-known video of Elvis Presley, check out the guy on stand-up bass. That's my Uncle Chuck. Yep, he played with Elvis for the first few years. Let's just say my family is HUGE on Elvis.
  15. I love baseball games on the radio.
  16. I will be turning 39 years old in 17 days... and I hint to everyone I know that I would like a surprise birthday party when I turn 40 next year. (hint hint)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Velvet AND Steel

Back in January, I wrote a post about my melancholy temperament. I was pretty amazed at how spot on the assessment of my temperament was. I also mentioned that I frequently wear a sanguine mask.

(Note: for more information on temperaments and to take a free test, go here. It's not the most comprehensive test but it will give an idea. You can also read more about the 4 temperaments in this book and this one too.)

The CEO here at work is the one who initially peaked my interest in temperaments and personalities. He reads and studies personalities like a man possessed. He helps me assess our HR needs by the tasks the new hire will be performing and their temperament. It is amazing to see how it works.

So, after much deliberation about me, he told me yesterday that he thinks that I'm 75-80% melancholy and 20-25% sanguine (with maybe a little phlegmatic). The closest explanation to what this looks like is captured here in the description of a MelSan. And here too.

Anyway, I digress.

Due to my melancholy quest for detailed knowledge, I could easily get lost in studying this stuff!

His latest project is to try and determine what sort of temperament would suit me best as a partner. His analysis?

A sanguine-choleric (SanChlor).

The ex was probably a choleric-phlegmatic (ChlorPhleg).

Soldier was a choleric-sanguine (ChlorSan). Ooooo, SO close!

Basically, I need the sanguine traits of a man who is sweet, kind, laid-back, outgoing, fun, loving and optimistic. But also the choleric traits of a man who is self-sufficient, strong-willed, practical, confident and goal-oriented.

I need the Velvet and the Steel.

I guess I'm used to being the one who takes care of things. From childhood to parenthood... its who I am. After thinking about this "perfect temperament match", I almost want to cry.

What I wouldn't give for someone that I could trust to take care of me!

It's definitely an interesting thought to ponder. Now I can see how Soldier won me over with his dominance and strength. I at least know that those traits turn me on.

I suppose we'll see who'll be the next partner in my life. And how I'll react to him. My hope is that it will be easy and a perfect fit. Those "perfect fits" have happened to me so many times in other relationships... from girlfriends to guyfriends. Surely, that'll translate into a new love in my life too.


I also saw something recently that made me smile. I've written before about the terms "falling" in love and "rising up" in love.

Falling... of course meaning that there's a bottom that you'll hit at some point and there's fear involved.

Rising up... meaning that you're both becoming better people by joining together in love.

I saw something that clarified my goal even more! It said, (I'm paraphrasing):

No one has all the power to give you love or take it from you. They only have the power to SHARE love with you. But you have to KNOW this love in you before you can share it with others.

Wow. I love that.


So, my want ad should read this way:

Wanted: Man of Steel and Velvet to share myself and my love with. Being kinky helps too! Interested?

What do you think? Should I take it online?


Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I have mentioned before that I have a new friend with benefits. Ironically, he is the same man I spoke of in this post on having a back-up plan. It was totally not an "on purpose" kind of way. The universe just works in weird ways like that.

His name starts with a "T" too. So together, we're "TNT". Dynamite, right?

We're certainly working on it!

He has only been divorced since February from an emotionally abusive and dominating wife of 10 years. He is also the youngest son of a Marine Drill Sergeant. Those things may not be a big deal to most but this guy? He's an affectionate, loving and sensitive man. He has been through quite a bit and his focus is on becoming his own man. He is on his own "Quest for T", if you will.

We started this whole thing during a simple conversation where I mentioned the disappointing weekend with Soldier. He was talking about dating and not meeting the right girls. I jokingly said something about not getting into a relationship but only having a sex friend. He laughed and said something like "yeah, great idea."

Then we both stopped laughing and looked at each other.

"Should we?"

Apparently, I have now become the teacher to a very willing student.

Unfortunately, he has been brainwashed and degraded to a point of being nearly virginal. He is comfortable with me. I am comfortable with me too. And my sexuality.

He is affectionate, caring, sensitive, SO sweet and willing to do whatever I ask.

I am open, nurturing, encouraging and willing to do whatever it takes.

Sexual healing really is a good thing!

He has actually asked me to help him become a great lover. Well, my friends, that's a challenge I'm willing to accept. Besides, when do we get the chance to groom a lover to be exactly what we want them to be?

Its been fun for me....maybe because its safe. My friends and I have joked that I should be a sex therapist. I am such a sexual person and I think our sexuality should be celebrated, not hidden away.

I am getting more confident about asking for what I want. I'm allowing the dominance to come back out, but in a gentle way. I am also learning to be in the present moment instead of thinking ahead and wondering what is going to happen next. The experience is helping me to shed some of the emotional baggage I've held around sex for so long.

This is the first relationship, casual, no-strings-attached, with benefits, that I've ever experienced. And I think I have a perfect partner!

So far, I have lit the fuse on this dynamite and the sparks are definitely flying!

Now if only we could get our custody weekends synched up!! Sheesh!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Pain revisited

One morning last week, I broke down into all out sobs about Soldier. It came unexpectedly and from way down deep.


How does that make YOU feel? Angry? Irritated? Sad?

Because in my experience,

Most people turn away from pain.

This is something I've noticed my entire life. I have always felt emotion, uncontrollable emotion, at things in life.

These can be beautiful things...

I am the one who will tear up at the end of the national anthem.

I cry when I see my daughters express complete love for each other.

Or sad things...

My dad would get angry at me every Easter when I chose to watch the Jesus movie... and I'd be a blubbering mess at the end.

Even my ex-husband would frequently get irritated at my complete comfort and openness with emotion.

Why is it a bad thing exactly?

Many of my friends and family don't want me to talk about Soldier anymore. Everyone's acting as if I should be over it.

Why? I felt the love so very deeply. What is wrong with my feeling the loss the same way?

What I've learned about myself and my emotions is that the longer I deny them, the longer they stay around. Once I decide to sit with it, accept it and allow it, then I am able to let it go.

What you resist, persists.

I actually learned that in yoga, of all places. If I fight the pose, my muscles will tense up and cause more pain. If I accept it, allow it, relax into it... then my muscles actually find comfort in the pose (albeit briefly, depending on the asana, of course).

I feel really good about my healing. Yes, it is a bit awkward trying to find a new normal as his friend... especially when he acts like nothing has changed. But I have. I am so aware of the change in me that I'm not quite sure how to react to him anymore. I will not force it or deny it. Again, I think acceptance is key. I've done this work before and with my ex-husband, I had to actually be in his physical presence and heal. I think Soldier's being far away in Iraq may be a blessing for me.

Sometimes, instead of seeing the truth of each other, we only see our own wounds. Those wounds are nothing more than a veil that needs to be lifted so we can see each other more clearly and with love. But unfortunately, the veil can only be removed after we see those wounds and feel that pain. Acknowledge it and let it go. We've put the veil there to protect ourselves but I believe it really does all of us more harm than good.

So, for the first time in such a very long time, I am allowing myself this. If I feel pain, I will post about it... because it is my pain. If it hurts you, maybe it's your pain too. Maybe you still feel the pain of loss too and that's OK. Allow yourself to feel. It's not so bad. The really good news is that it is only temporary.

"If you are going through hell, keep going."
~Winston Churchill

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Happy Ending

The room was dimly lit and the strum of a classical guitar wafted through the speakers in the ceiling. She told me what she was going to do to me...but my memory was failing in the relaxation that had taken over my body. I was already lying naked, face down and I couldn't even recall what the room looked like.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

When I listen to my breathing, I can remain present. I didn't want my mind to stray to what was going to happen. The anticipation could have easily swept me away but I wanted to enjoy the waiting.

Slow inhale. Even... slower... exhale.

I was startled as I felt the warm liquid flow over my calves. I felt her hands, strong and sure, as she smoothed the coconut milk over my legs. Her fingers instinctively found their way from my heels and slowly... deliberately... up over my calf, the back of my knee, thighs now....gliding in between my legs and back down again.

Remember to breathe.

She poured sugar over me, blending it with the milk like she was making ice cream with me as the main ingredient. She scrubbed me, revitalizing me... and the scent of it left me longing. I wanted to taste me. I wondered at her reaction should I have reached for her hand and sucked on her long delicate fingers.

Sighing now.

The steam of the hot towel calmed my burning skin. She toweled me clean, as if I'd just stepped out of a shower and not been scrubbed with such sweetness. I couldn't remember what was next.

More fluid warmth dripped sensually as she covered my legs with oil. Every muscle fiber and tendon was massaged with delicate intention. As her fingers traced from the back of my knee up the hamstring to the round tautness at the top of my thigh, I was holding my breath. Her palms slid down, softly between my thighs and back down the inside of my leg until she'd once again, found her starting point at my ankle.


She repeated the exquisite torture on the other leg. I began wishing there were two of them... four hands instead of two sliding, with the wonderful traction that only pure virgin coconut oil can provide, up, down, over and inside, fingertips grazing achingly close... teasing me without even knowing it.

She moved to my back and repeated the pattern.

Milk. Sugar. Hot Towel. Oil.

Leaning over me, I could feel the weight of her as she moved from my shoulder blades, thumbs along my spine, fingers across my ribs and lower back and up, up again over my plump bottom. I never realized the tension I held in the muscles of my ass. She found them. She found such magical points of release.

I rolled on my back at her request.

Milk. Sugar. Hot Towel. Oil.

I knew the pattern well as it was ingrained in the deepest points of my brain. I was craving every bit of this now. Once again, her fingers toyed with my senses. I could feel the moisture building with every caress of her hands along my upper thighs and down across my belly.

Breathe. Heavy breathing now.

As she finished, I wondered how I looked in the dim light, pink and slick and naked. I wanted her to lick the luster from my skin. She had won me over and I couldn't even remember her name... only the mantra in my head:

Milk. Sugar. Hot Towel. Oil.

I was wishing she would continue to work her magic but perhaps her mouth could take over where her fingertips had left me hanging? Where was my happy ending?

Ah, I suppose its up to me. As she left the room, my well-oiled hands slid down my shiny belly to finish the job....

Thursday, December 4, 2008

A few good men

I've used up much blog space talking about men.

Good men friends in my life

Friends with benefits

Future fun partners

My ex husband

My most recent heartbreak

And last but certainly not least, what I hope to find in a man.

One of my favorite things to do lately, something that makes my heart leap from my chest, is to read about lucky ladies who've already landed good men and are happy! I tear up and sigh at the love I can feel in their words.

So without further ado, I present to you...

Good men and the women who love them:

Soldier Boy ... as told by Sis B.

Tex ... as told by Vix

Staff Sergeant Indiana ... as told by Mrs. Indiana

Scott ... as told by J.L.S.

Man in Kentucky ... as told by Modern Single Momma

Mr. Man ... as told by Ms. Single Mama

Mr. Grok ... as told by Sarah

Stryker ... as told by Kiki

Go check out the blogs and feel the love!! And most importantly... revel in the fact that there are WONDERFUL men out there!!

If you are reading and have a post about the loving man in your life, please leave a link in the comment. I would LOVE to read your sappiness!! Please... GUSH away!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Gratitude with a capital G

The great Exception challenged me to a meme. I don't do memes, normally, because I have so many other thoughts I want to purge in this space. But this one is fun and she did assign me a letter I could work with. The letter "G".

(I'm not tagging anyone for the meme, by the way. Unless you want to just run with it!! It is fun.)

I thought it was about time for another gratitude list! (in no particular order)

  • My GIRLS - Of course!! My Grace and my Rose. They fill my life in so many gracious and glorious ways!
  • Being gainfully employed - always good in my book!
  • Art galleries - I am obsessed with art and back in the day, used to collect original paintings from local artists when I traveled. My home is filled with gorgeous pieces and they each have a story.
  • Gauntlets - Ah yes! I simply wouldn't be where I am today if they had never been laid before me. Don't dare me. That's all I'm sayin'.
  • Garters - Mmm hmmm. I love dressing in the sexy garters and thigh highs. There's nothing quite like wearing them under your work clothes in secret. It totally gets me going.
  • Girlfriends - My girlfriends are all goddesses in my eyes! I never really had lots of girlfriends until I became a mother. I feel completely blessed to have them in my life. (Gem, that means YOU too!)
  • Guyfriends - A favorite in my life for many years. I hope to always have them!
  • Gentlemen - Do I even need to qualify this?
  • Gestures of love - If you're one of my girlfriends, guyfriends or a gentleman in my life, you know how I adore these. It doesn't take much. I have always loved gestures from the heart and knowing I was in someone's thoughts.
  • Giving gifts - Yes, I too love giving. I am that person who will insist you open my gift first so that I can see your reaction.
  • Grocery shopping - I know that sounds like a stretch but I do so enjoy shopping alone. I am a big label reader and I tend to get lost in my shopping. I could be there for hours. I love when my house is filled with food. I don't even mind taking the kids with me because there's this....
  • Great big 300 year old pecan tree that my store built around! My kids love to greet the tree and hug it while I'm loading the groceries in the car. I don't know. It always makes me smile to see them do that.
  • Grandparents - Mema and Papa are both in their mid-90's. Mema turns 96 next week. Whew! We'll be going back home to visit them soon. I'm looking forward to the love.
  • Geeks- I love when a person is completely knowledgeable about a topic that fascinates me. I become all starry eyed while listening to them speak. I also work in Information Technology so I'm a bit of a geek myself. Geeks rule.
  • Grey's Anatomy - Uh huh. And I have it bad for the new back-from-Iraq-damaged Army surgeon. Of course.
  • Gourmet - Well... gourmet anything, really. The ex was an excellent cook who watched Food Network as much as he watched sports (and that's a LOT). I am completely won over by a man who's good in the kitchen. Gourmet chefs rock my world!
  • Good grammar - A must in my book! I am by no means perfect but there ain't nothin' worse than bad grammar. And I come from the sticks!
  • Glee - How can I not be giddy about glee?!?! I am one of those people that glow when I'm gleeful. Everyone can tell when T's in a good mood!
  • Geology - I had a rock collection growing up. I still love gems, rocks and stones and love to visit rock stores when I'm out of town. I sometimes think I could go back to school to become a geologist. It was one of the coolest subjects I studied in college.
  • Guitar - I think its so sexy when a man (or woman) can pick up a guitar and play. I've always been a singer and attempted to play guitar as a teenager. My fingers are so short... I could never get the chords down. I love this instrument. And Spanish guitar is just... yeah. Makes me melt.
  • German shepherds - I grew up with these dogs. I LOVE these dogs. I still miss my sweet baby girl that we had to put down due to cancer many years ago. One day... I'll get another one.
  • Group rides - I feel so relaxed and content after a long cycling ride with a good group. Wow. I just realized that the term "group rides" could be taken in a completely sexual way!! (I like that idea too!) Man, my mind is in the gutter. Ha! I like that too. Gutter minds... are always naughty and fun.
  • Gatherings - I love my study groups, getting together with friends, even when the guys at work gather in my office to hang out.... I just dig when people get together. The energy of a good group will always leave me buzzing!
  • Goodies that may or may not be good for you - Grapes, grapefruits, ginger tea, the new Candy Cane Oreos (Ok, so they don't start with the letter G but WOW......yummy.)
  • Growth opportunities and the guts to get through them - Yes, we all have our life lessons and sometimes they just plain suck. (how's that for good grammar?) But to face them, grow from them and keep moving forward is a beautiful gift from God.
  • And on that note, let's not forget God's Guidance, grace and guideposts (and the gratitude for them) - all of which make life a such a crazy beautiful journey.

What are you grateful for today? For fun, pick a letter and go!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Saturday night, my brother and I rented some movies to watch in my sister's home theatre room. One of the movies we watched was The Number 23 - a Jim Carrey film. (I love that his movies are either light and silly or dark and twisted. This one's pretty dark.)

A cool featurette on the DVD was a section on numerology. According to the dates of my birth, my number is a 2. She said as a two, I am forgiving, loving and always wanting to help others. (true) Then she said that people who are 2's will get angry if pushed into a corner, but then subsequently feel bad for getting angry.

Oh my goodness! That is SO me!!

I wrote recently about how my friends have told me to be "strong" and blatantly cut people out of my life who've hurt me (a.k.a. Soldier) but I simply can't do it. I am too forgiving.

I suppose on a strictly human level, in the dating game, it appears as weakness. I like to think on a spiritual level, it is viewed as strength.

After watching this movie, I didn't sleep well. I was being haunted by Soldier. I had such a nagging feeling that I should contact him. I know... my friends would all be appalled that I would dare give him the time of day... but it was killing me.

Monday morning, I went to work exhausted after waking from dreams of him. I literally felt as if I was running all night long. When I was home for lunch on Monday, it finally arrived!

The package he'd sent me a month ago!

Included in the package were the sexy DVDs I'd made him, some stuffed animals for my girls and a really thoughtful thank you card for me. In the card, he was so loving and appreciative of everything I did for him during our weekend together.

I was an emotional mess.

When I returned to my office, I immediately typed him an email. I told him that I'd just received the box. I also kept it light with stories of our Thanksgiving holiday, updates on the kids and a few light anecdotes. I ended the email stating that I missed our friendship and his playfulness.

He responded today. In the email, he was his old self - silly, playful and flirtatious.


I don't quite understand it but to me, that is all that I needed to move forward. I only needed to know that we were OK and that our friendship was still intact.

Yes, I flirted right back. I'm certainly more guarded and light about it now. I have the clarity of these past few months to know that I need more than what he was offering me.

Still, I will play because its fun. But I will not promise him anything. I will not set myself up again. I am enjoying my time now. Besides, I've had fun in my recent explorations lately.

Ya know, come to think of it... I am usually haunted when I have any sort of falling out with friends. My body, mind and soul cannot handle it. I have to have some sort of resolution.

Now I realize, I am still haunted by someone else that I hurt badly about 10 years ago during my affair. I actually have dreams about her once a month or so. And I hear that she dreams of me too.

I guess I'm not made to cut people out of my life.

That's OK. Its easier to just be me.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Pickles and Ice Cream

Pickle Boy and I have been talking on the phone to each other since we met back in June. We did have a falling out of sorts when he forwardly asked me for a booty call back in early August. After about a month or so of not speaking, I emailed him and said that I missed our conversations. We've enjoyed talking again since then.

PB is a single dad and honestly, a really nice guy. The problem, it seems, is that he lives nearly 2 hours from me and both of our lives are so busy that we're pretty sure dating each other would be difficult.

"You know that we'll probably end up in bed together, T. Why fight it?"

He tells me this nearly every phone call. He's right. I remember the day we met - I was very taken aback at the instant chemistry between us. It's nice though, that the chemistry was there but I've taken 6 months of getting to know him before moving forward with anything.

I saw PB for only the second time this past Friday night.

He didn't even recognize me. When he first/last met me, I had just come in from a very rainy bike ride. I had no makeup, my hair was drenched, my bike clothes were soaked and I was a mess! And yet, he still tells me how hot I was that day. See what chemistry does?

So Friday night, I'm in my best jeans and a turtle neck and he looks at me but it doesn't register that I'm "that girl." We both laughed in recognition less than a minute later.

We were at a really crazy busy bar with my brother and one of PB's friends. The music was loud and the bar was crowded.

And there amongst the chaos, he reached for my hand.

Then his arms were around my waist.

Then he was kissing my cheek at random moments while talking to me (in my ear over the blaring hip-hop).

His friend was embarrassingly drunk and very feisty. The guy told me over and over again how beautiful I was and that I needed to go home with PB.

My brother was bored and getting hit on by a very obnoxious blonde. She even began hitting on me! (Remember the scene in Wedding Crashers where there was a Stage 4 Clinger? Um, yeah.)

PB and I had to part ways. As we did, he pulled me to him for an all out kiss.

The next day he called to tell me that he was thinking about me. We agreed that the comfort level was instant even though we've only been around each other less than 2 hours total.

We're trying to work out a time to go out again. Just the two of us.

I wonder if he'll come through on the Chocolate Cake sex I've been craving. Or if it'll just be more ice cream. (Hopefully full-on 31 flavors!)