I thought I'd post it now since I am feeling a bit lost again. Sometimes when I don't know which way to go, fear takes over. My friend D always sees me right through the fear. He recently began his own blog and I am thrilled that he is sharing his insights with more than just me.
September 4, 2008
With the reliving of my story with my soldier and worries about our future, I was finding myself in a lonely, melancholy place.
I knew that.
Focusing on the past or worrying about the future (instead of living in the present moment) usually does that to me.
I can usually see it so clearly when someone else is doing it. I can usually see the doorway out of the melancholy and help to guide them there. I tell them to accept where they are now, for only their non-judgment of themselves will allow the dark cloud to pass. I can usually tell them that they are only calling for love, as we all do, and it seems frightening because we believe that there isn't enough love to go around. This moment will pass and the days will look brighter. I have said this to friends countless times.
But when its me that's lost in that melancholy place, I wallow. I can't get out. It feels like I am chained to a cold, stone wall and there's such a fog around me that I don't even see the door to escape. I know its there but emotionally I can't wrap my head around it. Something inside of me keeps screaming,
"Its not there! You're trapped! You'll be stuck here forever!"
I get angry at myself because surely I've been here before. I know for fact that the chains are made of my own fear and if I just let go of that fear, the chains will vaporize.
The chains are only as strong as I let them be.
The fog is all the noise in my head.
If I just breathe... take a moment to watch the thoughts float by, the fog will dissipate. I know all of this and yet, I can't escape.
I know there are people out there, outside of these walls. I'm pleading,
"Please see me! Acknowledge me! Validate me! Love me!"
The voice in my head is stern,
"You know better than that! You can't depend on someone else to love you. Don't you love yourself? They most certainly aren't going to love you if you don't love yourself."
"Yes... but I'm weak. I'm struggling. I'm tired. Can't someone else do this for me?"
A voice comes through the fog - the familiar sound of my friend, D. D is also a teacher of A Course in Miracles and a long time friend. He, somehow, can always see me so clearly. He doesn't see the chains or the stone wall. He knows that I think I'm struggling, exhausting myself. He sees me as beautiful, loved and lovely. He smiles and says to me,
"Whoa there Missy! You're just calling for some love, aren't ya? Big deal. We all do it, T. All of the time. So?
Emotions are simply expressions of thoughts. Are you maybe trying too hard today? Remember that applying what you are learning really means giving up trying to apply it. You don't need to do anything. Just stop. Right here. Right now. On this breath, give up your need to apply anything, understand anything, obsess about anything. There is nothing real keeping you from it.
You are the peace that you are seeking.
You don't have to find it, look for it or snap into it. Just stop getting in its way."
And as the echoes of his voice ring in my lonely, melancholy place, I begin to feel the chains loosen around my wrists and ankles. I can hear my own voice say,
"Yes, T. Its ok that you want to feel validated and loved. Don't judge yourself for it and think that you're supposed to somehow know better. Relax. Be here now."
My breathing becomes more steady. The fog lifts. Suddenly I don't see a door; instead I realize that I was never in a room at all. I see blue skies and glorious gardens all around me. I feel the boundless love that surrounds me. The voice in my head becomes softer now. Loving. Accepting. And its then that a smile spreads across my face.
I am healed in this moment. Those that I encounter will heal with me. We are each others' teachers and together, we are Love.