Wednesday, January 7, 2009

"Click"= Risk-worthy?

Depot Dad recently wrote a post on risk where he asked:

"What are you willing to risk for love?"

Dad's House
continued the theme with his own post about vulnerability as dating single parents. Dad's House proposed that it is difficult to be vulnerable because as single parents, our children come first. He also said:

"Since I’m caring for my kids and running a household solo (the half-time they are with me), I can’t afford to be weak. I’m not going to give equal status around my house, and with my kids, to a girlfriend who may not be around next week."


However, I would be the first one to tell you that I would risk vulnerability for love. That it is worth it, even if my children have to witness the aftermath of heartbreak. I figure, if they see me feel real deep feelings and then get back up, smile and try again, wouldn't they be willing to risk it too? Because maybe they would have the faith that everything would be ok after all?

I also know that the risk wouldn't be worth it unless there was a "click".

Is is just me? Or does everyone look for a click? And then post-click, I am so blinded that I don't even notice anyone else.

Then there's the ironic part of this whole "click" nonsense. The last man I clicked with was Soldier. But even with didn't happen.

"It" being an orgasm.

Next month will be 2 years since I've experienced an actual over-the-top orgasm with a man.

I told myself that maybe he wasn't sensual enough. Maybe he was only capable of giving me tiny earthquakes.

Part of me wonders if I haven't been truly vulnerable. Maybe I did hold back instead of giving myself wholly to him? Maybe a part of me did know that it wasn't going to last? Maybe I simply haven't been with enough men in the past year?!

Then there's the part about... well... the last amazing orgasms I have experienced (with someone other than myself) were with women. (And even that was over 6 months ago.)


What the hell does that mean?

Or does it mean anything at all?

Its been over a month since I've been with a man and even then, I was in "teacher mode" and didn't allow myself to climax. God knows I tried but... just... couldn't.

Maybe with women I feel more comfortable being vulnerable because there is no penetration (well, not with an actual *ahem* organ). Every time Soldier was inside me, I would cry. It felt wonderful but I couldn't let go. I don't cry when I'm with women.

Maybe with women I feel that I am in control of the situation. With the women I've been with, I was a "teacher" but could still have very powerful, climbing the walls, shuddering orgasms. But as a "teacher" with a man, I am in control too. The intimacy with a male student was good but I still wore a mask and unfortunately, couldn't get over the top.

Perhaps I haven't been risking vulnerability after all? Or perhaps I simply haven't found the right lover?

Then there's the whole manner of safe sex.

I'm used to being married. Or with someone who just came out of a monogamous relationship. Or with someone who was already safely tested for disease.

I have only had one man wear a condom with me and that was my husband. And that was only one time.

I loathe sex with a condom but talk about RISK!!!

I haven't been with that many people. I am still new to this. Yes, I am a sexual person but I'm still trying to figure out the whole sex-as-a-single-woman thing. I've always preferred quality, experimental, long lasting sexual relationships to sex with a large quantity of people.

So now I wonder:

Am I really risking for love? Should I listen to the "click"? Will I ever truly give myself again?


Is there anywhere in particular I can check this baggage?


  1. i too am used to being in a relationship and for perhaps the first time in my life spent April to October of this past year single and trying to figure it out. I discovered really its about expectations. And having the maturity to upfront say what it is you want, how you feel and either stop or keep going. As feelings continue to change I needed to have the guts to share them. And if he rejected me, then that was just the risk I was taking. I need and deserve to be with someone who knows me always and even more then that, WANTS to know me always and shares themseleves the same way I share myself. If you arent clicking or he is taking and you are giving and it doesnt balance, take that as your sign and jump ship.
    if its just about sex, i posted today about casual sex and what i think the rules should be. id be interested in your opinion...


  2. Wow. Today's posts all around are great.

    Click does not equal orgasm. I have only orgasmed with one man out of all my (gulp) lovers. Only one...and when it happened the first time, I didn't know what had occured.

    Oh, I could write a novel but had better not. I've already deleted three comments. You know the story, and it continues. Some things just don't die--that is a spark. Greater than a click. I can click with many. I can only spark with one.

    Be well, T.

  3. All good questions, some of which I've even wondered myself. For me there is NO question as to my sexual preference - MEN! But for you, adding that confusion to the rest of it sure makes things complex! The last time I was truly vulnerable with a man I fell deeply in love. We had a very strong "click". It was the most intense and fulfilling relationship I've ever had. And it ended. Badly. The intense passion was still there but played out negatively. Makes it hard to be vulnerable again but I want to have that "click" again, and this time for good. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, right?

  4. Man or woman, I think you hit a key point when you mentioned it's about really truly opening yourself up to someone. And that's just hard to do sometimes, isn't it?

    Some days, I'd just rather fake it. :( Sad but true.

  5. I know for myself it took a while to get my sexual mojo back after divorce. Being so use to one person for so long it takes time to get use to a new person. Now that's coming from a guy, I would think it would be a lot more intense for a woman. Take your time, relax, and use protection. Only takes once to be a problem for life.

    Your word verification today is "makefear". Pretty interesting.

  6. > Maybe I simply haven't been with enough men in the past year?!

    I'd lean a lot more strongly to "maybe you're oversexed and slightly numb". Not so much physically, though that's certainly a possibility. I know that if I'm on a sexual binge it becomes noticeably harder to reach orgasm. Dunno if that might be a factor.

    Also, when I masturbate a lot, it pretty much kills my sex life with my partner for days. Pornography does the same thing; no human woman can compare with an endless parade of youth & beauty. My best lovemaking takes place when my eyes and my mind and my hand aren't focused elsewhere.

    But I'd suggest that you consider the possibilty that you're experiencing more of an emotional desensitivity. I get the impression (which isn't a character judgment but merely an impression) that you're hungering despirately for something from a relationship. You seem to spend a lot of your time focusing on it and acting upon it. In addition to these, there are some other traits that usually accompany codpendancy. This isn't a diagnosis of codependancy, it's just an observation in case you're honestly seeking ideas to ponder.

    > Or perhaps I simply haven't found the right lover?

    That's a long, long search that I've never heard of ending in believable satisfaction. Lots of people claim to find happiness here, but it's short-term and it's replaced by the same hunger when the flame goes out. Maybe there's 1-in-a-million person who can actually find "The good enough lover" and enjoy lasting benefits. But I've never encountered or heard of one, and all those I've seen follow this path (myself included) have encountered emotional trainwreck after emotional trainwreck. I'm a big fan of finding the good in my lover instead of finding the good enough lover. One relies on me (which I can directly affect) and the other relies on someone else.

    > I've always preferred quality, experimental, long lasting sexual relationships to sex with a large quantity of people.

    I don't get this impression at all from the many things you've written. Again, I offer this in case you're honestly interested in things to ponder. If yer just looking for support & encouragement, I can give that instead. It's way easier to say only easy-to-hear things. :)

    If yer looking for something powerful, try working on timing. Synchronized orgasms are one of the best experiences in the world, and experienced partners can affect their own timing as well as reading their partner's timing. Plus it's way fun to practice! There are no losers when playing the "come together" game. :)

    Keep working at it! I wish you luck in your Quest for T-O.

  7. Risk is hard because you can always see disaster around the corner. but risk becomes easier once you can see the light at the end of the tunnel (and its not union pacific). its kind of like the orgasms you speak of. You hold back and you hold back and when you finally find the right person, the right moment, you let go. your vulnerability is out there, but if you waited until the right moment, it seems to work out ok.

  8. Nice post. I agree that by not being vulnerable enough to allow myself to enter a relationship, I'm not modeling romantic coupling behavior for my kids. If I don't risk, how will they ever risk?

    That's true in theory... in practice, my kids are both interested in heading down the dating path with members of the opposite sex. Maybe because they know their mom and I were married, or because their mom is dating, or because they've met some of my girlfriends.

    So, they don't seem too adversely affected by me not having a girlfriend right now. But in our two-home situation there's a lot at play.

    As for click - I'm like you, when it's there, I go crazy for the woman! When it's not there smaking me in the head... I can still be interested.

  9. T,
    For me, the best sex ever comes when I am completely open both physically and emotionally AND there is a "click" personality and communication wise. When I can sense what the other person is feeling, when I can anticipate their movements and what they like (or they are open enough to let me know) then the sex is unbelievable for both of us. It's only happened with a couple of people. The rest were mostly good, but there just wasn't that "click".

  10. Let me just add that I'm glad I sent you home with a good supply of condoms....and you deserve a loving, loud, over-the-top "click."

  11. I applaud you T for seeking greater awareness about your sexuality like this! It is so complex, isn't it - what makes us "click" with one person and not with another?

    For me, the key to over the top O's is feeling totally safe with the person I'm with. So I've never been able to climax during a one night stand kind of situation no matter how racy or edgy or hot it might seem in theory. The only time I got close was with an old friend, but it was because we had known each other for so long.

    Also I think in a practical sense, the person needs to get to know your body and how best to please you. Personally I need to know that he really wants to do that vs. just get off himself. I'm not trying to say that sex in LTRs is the only way to have good O's, but in my experience that's been the only way. I'm open to things unfolding differently, though.

    As for the safe sex, if you are going to have sex without a condom do you get tested? Also I think I am really paranoid about herpes which condoms do not protect againt. I am just curious as to whether people do that.

    Anyway, just some random thoughts!

  12. Thank you all for your wonderful comments to my self-analysis.

    I have been tested but it has been a while. Of course, its been a while since I've had sex too! But after Soldier's comments during his leave, its time to get tested again. I would HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who is having sex with multiple partners or who suspects their partner is enjoying multiple partners.

    Rachel did send me home with a ton of condoms... and I'd already bought some on my own prior to that. I think its time I find one partner to be monogamous with. Use condoms until we're both tested and safe and then go from there.

    Sounds good in theory, doesn't it?

  13. Leah is right, condoms don't protect from Herpes despite what you may read elsewhere.

    There is a blood test for Herpes and that is about the only way to really know for sure. I know people that swore they did not have it but found out they really did.

    I think the statistics say 1 out of 4 have it. It may be higher as some may carry and shed the virus without symptoms of an outbreak. It is a crazy little virus.


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