Depot Dad recently wrote a post on risk where he asked:
"What are you willing to risk for love?"
Dad's House continued the theme with his own post about vulnerability as dating single parents. Dad's House proposed that it is difficult to be vulnerable because as single parents, our children come first. He also said:
"Since I’m caring for my kids and running a household solo (the half-time they are with me), I can’t afford to be weak. I’m not going to give equal status around my house, and with my kids, to a girlfriend who may not be around next week."
However, I would be the first one to tell you that I would risk vulnerability for love. That it is worth it, even if my children have to witness the aftermath of heartbreak. I figure, if they see me feel real deep feelings and then get back up, smile and try again, wouldn't they be willing to risk it too? Because maybe they would have the faith that everything would be ok after all?
I also know that the risk wouldn't be worth it unless there was a "click".
Is is just me? Or does everyone look for a click? And then post-click, I am so blinded that I don't even notice anyone else.
Then there's the ironic part of this whole "click" nonsense. The last man I clicked with was Soldier. But even with Soldier....it didn't happen.
"It" being an orgasm.
Next month will be 2 years since I've experienced an actual over-the-top orgasm with a man.
I told myself that maybe he wasn't sensual enough. Maybe he was only capable of giving me tiny earthquakes.
Part of me wonders if I haven't been truly vulnerable. Maybe I did hold back instead of giving myself wholly to him? Maybe a part of me did know that it wasn't going to last? Maybe I simply haven't been with enough men in the past year?!
Then there's the part about... well... the last amazing orgasms I have experienced (with someone other than myself) were with women. (And even that was over 6 months ago.)
What the hell does that mean?
Or does it mean anything at all?
Its been over a month since I've been with a man and even then, I was in "teacher mode" and didn't allow myself to climax. God knows I tried but... just... couldn't.
Maybe with women I feel more comfortable being vulnerable because there is no penetration (well, not with an actual *ahem* organ). Every time Soldier was inside me, I would cry. It felt wonderful but I couldn't let go. I don't cry when I'm with women.
Maybe with women I feel that I am in control of the situation. With the women I've been with, I was a "teacher" but could still have very powerful, climbing the walls, shuddering orgasms. But as a "teacher" with a man, I am in control too. The intimacy with a male student was good but I still wore a mask and unfortunately, couldn't get over the top.
Perhaps I haven't been risking vulnerability after all? Or perhaps I simply haven't found the right lover?
Then there's the whole manner of safe sex.
I'm used to being married. Or with someone who just came out of a monogamous relationship. Or with someone who was already safely tested for disease.
I have only had one man wear a condom with me and that was my husband. And that was only one time.
I loathe sex with a condom but talk about RISK!!!
I haven't been with that many people. I am still new to this. Yes, I am a sexual person but I'm still trying to figure out the whole sex-as-a-single-woman thing. I've always preferred quality, experimental, long lasting sexual relationships to sex with a large quantity of people.
So now I wonder:
Am I really risking for love? Should I listen to the "click"? Will I ever truly give myself again?
Is there anywhere in particular I can check this baggage?