Monday, January 12, 2009

Feast or famine

After being out with the single moms Saturday evening, I was feeling very lonely by the end of the night.

It was the pastor's fault.

There were nine of us. 9 single women at a bar watching a band and one man was hanging around us. He was a cute man... so each of us began talking to him. We soon found out that he is a new pastor at a local church and he's married with 4 kids. His wife and kids hadn't yet moved to the area so he was enjoying all the female company.

Somehow, during the night, and after I'd had a few drinks, he began asking about men in my life. Of course the subject matter led to a discussion about Soldier. I was trying to avoid the conversation but he insisted on hearing all about it.

I loathe talking about it. Especially after alcohol has taken over any positive ions in my brain.

Then the pastor looked into my eyes and said,

"You do know that there is a man out there who will love you and treat you the way you're meant to be treated."

Yeah. I know.

The "knowing that" didn't help matters though and on my drive home I was in tears and feeling very sorry for myself.

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I've noticed during the past few years or so, that my loneliness waxes and wanes much like the phases of the moon. I wonder sometimes if it has something to do with the moon cycles. Or my cycle perhaps?

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Because the next evening, I had every intention of getting in a good bike workout on my trainer. Instead, I received an unexpected but very pleasant phone call with a man I've been communicating with via email. We'd connected over the online dating site I'm on. He's very sweet, honest, open and completely intrigued with my spirituality. We had a great conversation that ended with him saying,

"T, I really enjoy talking to you. I can't wait to meet you now!"

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After talking with the online guy, I decided to check email. Soldier was being a naughty boy. In the past, when he'd emailed that late at night, it meant that he was waiting my response. We'd end up emailing 20 messages back and forth, much like a chat, both of us horny and looking forward to the others' sexy talk.

This time, I logged off the computer and went to bed.

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Tonight on the drive to my A Course in Miracles study group (led by my friend D), I was again very honored and surprised to hear from my sweet Rachel.

Oh Rachel... hearing your voice brings a smile to my lips and butterflies to my stomach.

I'm dying to get you here. I do want so badly to spend more time with you. You are, quite simply, an incredible addition to my life. Thank you for stealing away a few moments to bless me with your attention.

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While I was in my study group tonight, my phone interrupted with another call... this time from the 12 hour lunch date guy!

Our last date ended so awkwardly that I didn't expect to hear from him again. I still think we don't have much of a future other than friends but it was nice to hear from him.

He wants to take me to dinner this weekend. Huh? Who knew?

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As I was saying goodbye to my babysitter tonight, my phone rang again. This time it was a number I did not recognize so I didn't answer it.

After she left I listened to the message. It was another guy from online that I haven't talked to yet. We've been emailing but...

I'll have to call him back tomorrow.

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So, now its getting really late and I should be getting ready for bed but I decide to check email one more time. This time I see a message from TNT.

Aw! I haven't talked to him in so long between the holidays, his travel with work, our custody weekends being off and other busyness. He misses me.

I called him and we talked for an hour. He's such a great guy.

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It seems like feast or famine sometimes but is my "seeming" real?

Is all of this love there, even when the phone is silent, my inbox is dead and it seems like I'm the only person on the planet?


Maybe sometimes, I simply choose not to notice that love that is all around me, all the time.

Or maybe sometimes, it can be found in the silence that I'm not fully appreciating.

11 comments:

  1. What a nice boost to "feel the love" from so many in such a short period of time. It does seem to come in cycles though doesn't it? All or nothing, even when we do find "the one".

    So what was a married pastor and father of four doing in a bar chatting up 9 single women?

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  2. I think we have to realize what's around us all the time and appreciate it. Not always easy. When I'm feeling low I log back onto a dating site...sometimes pleasantly surprised, mostly not. I believe in a way that it's just not that time for me...my focus is kids and career the rest sometimes seems like a bother.

    Except when I want a date.

    I only have single mom friends online - otherwise I'm drowning in matrimonial bliss (and hell) all around me.

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  3. (((HUGS))) I am really feeling you today. Actually I just blogged about this last night. People say that there is love out there, that we will find it, that it is true and real and available. A large part of me doesn't really believe it's true. That part is back to the therapist's today. Keep slogging through it.

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  4. Oh, to have that kind of a feast! :O) Usually for me it's famine or ... famine. It forces me to take a good hard look at how to be happy in spite of the giant gaping void that I feel in my heart. 'Was just pondering that this morning, actually. How to be happy in spite of it all... hm...

    Hugs

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  5. I've not seen the famine portion... what are you using as a basis for comparison? You're the most romantically active single mother I know. It's pretty much feast after feast separated by a few days or maybe a week of no current lover/heartthrob. I can't figure out what I'm missing that explains the "famine" part.

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  6. What's a pastor doing in a bar? Checking out women? Lol.

    Yes, love is all around. And it's not always sexual.

    Have fun on your dates!

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  7. Some other people have already commented on this, but I agree, What WAS that pastor doing at a bar?

    It sounds like love is all around you. Even when there isn't a current guy in your life, you still have the love of your daughters.

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  8. Well, *I* Love You T! I know that counts for SOMETHING right? ;)

    Sweetie, being lonely just sort of comes with being single, methinks. Some days are worse than others.

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  9. T, what impresses me so much about you is how you honor all the "weather" in your life - loneliness, abundance, and everything in between. It's clear that you love yourself through it all and accept yourself. Perhaps this is what people are picking up on in their attraction to you.

    May you always feel how much you are loved and adored, regardless of the state of your inbox or voice mail!!!!

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  10. Thank you sweet T.

    If only you could take a month off and go on a cross-country tour to visit all of "your" moms and dads around the country. They would be blessed to have you!

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  11. How funny that you all were hanging out with the pastor at the bar.. I love how you feel and accept all that is going on in your life

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