This proves the point, yet again, that perception is not shared. Every single one of you saw that post differently and reacted based on your own filters, environment and judgments of the past, present and future. We ALL do that. Me too! Yes, some of you came up with the same answer but the way you chose the answer was unique to each one of you.
Thank you to each and every one of you for your outstanding response. For caring about my feelings, for emphasizing my strengths, for listening and giving your honest opinion. I truly appreciate every one of you for what you shared with me yesterday.
It was Love Coach Rinatta's comments that led me to write this post. She said:
Yes, I would go out with him again, but from now on I would let him be the guy. If there's to be a kiss, let him initiate it. If there's to be hand holding, let him initiate it. If there's to be another date, let him ask. I would not fill in any uncomfortable silences and just let him be who he is and do what he will do.
I am used to being the driver in relationships. Its funny because I've noticed this trait in Soldier. My relationship with him was different from others because I let him be the guy. I knew he wanted to know what was going to happen, to control it, if you will, because it frightens him to not know.
I should remember that sometimes it takes recognizing it in someone else before we notice it in ourselves.
Coach Rinatta is right. I was trying to drive the date because the not knowing scares the crap out of me.
I am a forward girl because much of my life I felt as if I was the wallflower. It wasn't until I first stepped into a spotlight, when I first began singing, that people began to notice me. More people began to notice when I would flirt openly and smiled more. And even more people began to notice when I carried myself as a confident woman who was comfortable with her sexuality.
I am reminded so many times in my life to just LET IT BE. But I am, as most of us are, driven by my own fear. Fear wants to know what is going to happen. Fear believes in lack. Fear thinks that I need to do something in order to make someone like me.
Fear doesn't understand being.
Even with Soldier, many times I felt as if I could handle the ambiguity of our relationship. Then as the clock ticked down to R&R, I wanted to know what was going to happen. I wanted control of our future. I was terrified. I was fighting with my own ghosts. I couldn't just let our relationship be whatever showed up at my door. I had expectations and so did he. Of course, with expectation comes disappointment.
I have been beating myself up this past week because I realize that Soldier still means so very much to me. I've almost felt haunted. I've been frustrated with myself and crying myself to sleep again.
Why, oh why, can't I let him go?
And during this past week, I have received a few emails from him. I have felt his anger and rage at the world and his situation. I can tell that he feels caged and wants to be done with this deployment. I haven't responded to any of his emails because.... I simply do not know what to say.
I let him be.
Finally today I decided to send him a friendly email, just to say hello. Just as I was clicking 'send', my mouse hovering over the button, my phone rang. It was him.
He was silly and kind, warm, friendly and even a little self-deprecating! The call was so unexpected that I was nervously shaking the entire time. He spoke of seeing me when he returns. As friends, of course. I reminded him that it may take us a while to find a comfort level again. He agreed and asked if we could see each other without expectation. He said,
"That is what I enjoyed so much about dating you prior to this deployment. You never asked anything of me."
He's never said that to me before.
I often say that acceptance creates miracles. This phone call was not a miracle, really, but a gentle reminder for me to allow life to unfold before me.
I cannot control how I feel about Soldier. I have to love myself through this, whatever happens between the two of us. I have to allow myself to continue loving him, if that is the way my heart feels. I shouldn't fight it or be angry at myself for it.
What you resist, persists.
I cannot control how others are going to view me. I have to allow them to see me through whatever perception they have. I have to love them through it, even if that means not responding to their feelings of rage at circumstance or going out on second date and letting him be the guy. I have to allow them to be whomever they are.
In allowing, I need do nothing.
Even with this post, I know that many of you are going to view my continued relationship with Soldier based on your perception of what you've read here, what you've experienced in your own lives or things I have actually said to you. Feel free to say what you must. I will listen but please remember....
This is my journey, my quest. I'm pretty stubborn too!
I cannot control the future nor can I look back and regret or question the past. I don't know what is going to happen and I have to find a way to be OK with that. With anyone I encounter. I simply have to stay present in this moment, accept what is, and remember what the Beatles sang the year that I was born:
Let it be.
There is much freedom to be found in those three words.