Thursday, January 8, 2009

A reader asks...

A reader who wishes to remain anonymous emailed me after yesterday's post. I am happy that my openness invites questions like this one. I thought some of you might have some advice other than what I offer her.

Her question:
"Do you think someone can condition themselves to only have an "O" (orgasm) when they are masturbating? The reason I ask this is because I have pleasured myself for a long time before I ever started having sex. I have been married for 8 years and I do not think I have ever had an O when my husband and I have had sex.

I love my husband and we are starting to experiment a little. My body will only allow me to do so much being that I am overweight. I am hoping to get this extra weight off and hoping that will help me to become a better sexual partner with my husband."

I think that her goal should be to find the same comfort with her husband as she has alone.

Many of us are ashamed of our sexuality or our bodies and therefore cannot relax enough to orgasm with someone else. All of us have some sort of sexual hangup. My previous blog post was a prime example.

She mentioned wanting to lose weight and that’s a good overall plan. But I think she can still be a good sex partner with her husband now.

I think she could get into an exercise routine that helps her to feel sexy, feminine and beautiful. Belly dancing or salsa are both good for bringing out our fun, feminine side. Or anything that just feels good to her body.

I also recommended the book Nina Hartley's Guide to Total Sex. (Nina is the best!)

I think most importantly, we should all remember this:

No matter what we look like or what shape we’re in, when we are lost in pleasure, we glow in beauty and sexiness!

Don't you agree?

What do you think? Have you experienced this with your partner? Do you think masturbation desensitizes us from enjoying our partners?


  1. Personally, I don't think that masturbation desensitizes us. I never had an orgasm with any man until I learned how to pleasure myself and be comfortable with how my body feels when being pleasured. I think it can only make it better to know what we like so we can tell our partners!

  2. I've learned that all of us women are different when it comes to our O experience. Many of my girlfriends have experienced only "clitoral orgasms" and have never had a "vaginal orgasm". Women who have more intense O's during penetration as opposed to the oral sex/clitoral stimulation O's have vaginal orgasms, which are more rare than having clitoral O's. Surprisingly, many men and women dont know this. The woman who asked the question - brave girl - may be a vaginal O'er and not know it since it's more difficult to acheive this type of climax, especially if she and her partner aren't aware of how to get there.

  3. The answers are all in your post T.

    I would say that if she can get her husband to take her to orgasm 'manually', which she may not be comfortable with, but working through that could be the answer to it all.

  4. I think it's possible that you can condition yourself to only be able to O if you do it yourself. There is such a strong connection between brain and body, that if you have only had the experience in a certain circumstance, your brain may interfere from allowing it to happen with different types of stimulation. Don't know the solution though, but sounds like she and her husband will enjoy trying to discover it! : )

    T - you give fantastic advice, and hopefully, this woman's husband can help her to understand that he appreciates her beauty and sexiness now, and that he still will, should she decide to change her body by losing weight. That said, having experienced marginal sex while very overweight, after losing nearly 80 pounds, I am AMAZED at how differently my body responds to everything. While before, an O was rare, now, a warm breeze blowing through my hair can do it for me! (I'm exagerating, but just a little!)

  5. Thanks for the book tip, T, will have to check it out.

    For me, I have been overweight and had amazing sex and thin and had terrible sex. It's more about how you feel in your body and the level of intimacy with your partner. I hope your reader finds the fulfillment she deserves with her DH.

  6. I dont think masturbation desensitizes us at all! I think it can actually really help!

    If you know your own body then you know what he needs to do to help you achieve your orgasm!

    The key for me is communication - you need to let him know what works and what doesnt and he needs to be open to it!

    Also accepting yourself as a sex goddess is VITAL! I had ok sex until I realised I was sexy - since then the sex has gotten alot better ;)

  7. IMO it all depends on how far you go. Masturbation connects you with yourself and not another person. If done so much the other person can just become in the way.

  8. It's necessary to know one's own capabilities; it makes us more sensitive to so much more, far beyond intimate contact, that can be so stimulating...

    However, something I'm seeing a tendency with is deriving stimulation from porn that is consequently having those involved (mainly men, in the instances I hear about, but that could go both ways) jacking off in front of the computer and unable to finish the job with their less-than-perfect partners. Is that masturbation? Or something more?

    Just a thought. It is destroying the marriages of a few of my close friends here.

    Be well, T.

  9. I have a friend who would swear that if you masturbated too much, you wouldn't be able to really enjoy sex with someone. His theory was that you know exactly what you like and so when someone else does it, it almost feels like they are doing it incorrectly. long as we're on such subjects and what with you being the Original Porn Queen...I have another theory. And it is that all women enjoy a finger in their butt; they just may not know it yet.

    Please discuss.

    And thank you for the very kind birthday wishes. I appreciate that you took time to send them.


  10. Heh. Yep, I'd have to agree with you on that last comment, RE. Ya know, in my experience...

  11. Masturbation can help people discover their sexuality. If used to excess it becomes a block to intimacy between people, as well as creating physical & emotional barriers to orgasm.

    Most guys use a whole lot of fantasy during masturbation. Pornography is generally how this manifests, though some guys do it in their heads rather than with their eyes. Fantasizing kills interpersonal connections though it certainly amplifies eroticism. Fantasizing about someone other than a partner is obviously even more impactful.

    No partner can compete with fantasy. There are millions of images online, and there is no limit to what can be imagined in one's head. If that's the route someone's taking to eroticism, then a partner can only hope to partake if they're willing to subjugate themselves to the fantasies. Good luck in that competition. :)

    Random Esquire, I believe that everyone enjoys a finger in their butt, though each of us may not know it yet. Humans can adopt any kind of sexual practice if they work at it, and things that are taboo have an additional draw.

    Just because we might enjoy something doesn't mean that it's a good idea to break down our inhibitions about it, though. That's a path that gets steeper the further down it you get.

  12. I have found that when I have partners that primarily masterbates with a vibrator, then they have much more problem having an orgasm with me. It makes sense to me. I can't really compete with 1000's of vibrations per second. I agree with a previous post, she can have her partner simulate whatever she does to bring herself to orgasm. The next step is for her to reprogram herself to fantasize about her hubby as she is cumming!


Thank you for leaving me some comment love!