Sunday, January 18, 2009

Would you go out on a second date with this guy?

I had a 12-hour-first date with a man we'll call Trainer.

I met this man at the gym at least 4 times before meeting him once again at a Christmas party last year. Here's a description of our meeting from that Christmas party:

Within the first 20 minutes of being there, we had run into an acquaintance from the gym. I've met this guy many times and for some reason, he never remembers me. Suddenly, we're in conversation and my girlfriend starts to hint that I'm single and he's single... So I cut to the chase and asked him out. He said yes. Wow. Not bad for the first 1/2 hour.

After this meeting, I was distracted by yet another handsome man and never followed through on my planned date. Oops!

Fast forward a year and he finds me again on a social networking site. Apparently, he remembered me after all.

So we finally went out on that first date, an entire year later, to a casual restaurant for lunch.

The lunch went well. I'd forgotten how handsome he was. He's a personal trainer at the gym, in obviously great shape and is very passionate about the science of exercise. Our topics centered around nutrition, lifestyle and my plans for a triathlon in June. The conversation flowed easily.

We decided to head outside and walk around amongst the outdoor shops. It was a particularly breezy yet sunny day. My hair was flying recklessly in my face and he, joking around already, opened his overshirt to block the wind. I could have easily tied a string to him and flew him as a kite! The wind was relentless!!

I enjoy when I can find instant comfort with someone. Trainer and I were already picking on each other and nudging shoulders the way old friends do. I thought the date was going very well so when he suggested, as we walked past the theater, that we stop to see a movie, I was thrilled.

I noticed Trainer looking at me several times during the movie. He seemed to be smiling at my consistent giggles at the funny movie. He even leaned over to me and asked if I was enjoying myself. How could I not be?!

It was during the movie that I invited him to join myself, my family and a few friends for a birthday dinner at a restaurant nearby. He accepted the invitation.

After the movie we talked more about relationships and life. He had been married once before and seemed especially irritated with his history with women. He was curious about my relationship with the ex. I didn't realize this would be such a fascinating topic to potential suitors. He seemed even more perplexed than Soldier did. He finally admitted that relationships are difficult to explain to others, as they only make sense to the people involved. Yes, exactly.

I noticed a few times during our time together that he seemed especially shy, nervous or insecure around me. I am, as if you couldn't tell, a very forward girl. I am honest and upfront even upon initially meeting me. I can't really help it and though some friends have warned me otherwise, why should I try to be anything other than myself with someone? I would rather know that they can handle me than to pretend and reveal it later. We both even joked that he would definitely need to decide whether or not he could handle my forwardness, if we were to continue dating.

Dinner with my family and friends led to drinking. I'm not sure that Trainer could handle his martinis quite the way I could. My friends remarked that Trainer was definitely into me and departed quickly after dinner, assuming we'd be heading back to my place. The two of us opted instead to see another movie.

During the movie, Trainer was especially affectionate. I melted as he massaged my arms and hands. He was concerned about my comfort, as I get a little stiff sitting in those not-quite-comfortable movie seats. He rubbed my back. He'd made comments during dinner about kissing me and I was excited, looking forward to at least a nice kiss from this really sweet guy.

After the movie, we braved the chilly, windy night and made our way back to my car. I drove him to his own car and we talked casually, trying to get warm. Then he said, "Ok, see ya later."

What the ... ?! No hug or anything?!?

So, being the forward girl I am, I said, "I thought you were going to kiss me?"

He took my face roughly in his hands, kissed me hard. Not passionately, no. But like, well, my brother would kiss me.


Perplexed, I said goodbye and drove away. I wasn't even out of the parking lot and he called me on my cell phone. I'm not sure why he called me, exactly. He made small talk with me on the phone as I drove home.

Except for a brief note on Facebook the next day, I didn't hear from him for over 2 weeks. Granted, it was the holidays and I was out of town. He did say he had been ill.

Then out of the blue, he left me a message last week and asked for a second date. When I called him back, the phone call was very awkward, much like the end of our date. He almost seemed like I was the one asking him out. There were lots of deafening silences and weird changes in the conversation. It was very frustrating trying to talk to him.

The girlfriend who introduced us last year at the Christmas party is now telling me that he might be a bit broken. Haven't I said I'm done with broken men?

So now I pose the question:

Based on this first date and our contact since then, would you go out on a second date with him?


  1. Hmmm...maybe once more to feel things out.

    But it does sound like he may have some issues. I'm curious what you meant by this: "...(he) seemed especially irritated with his history with women."

    Does he seem angry or blaming towards ex partners? Or like he hasn't processed enough or like he has women issues? Did he mention his feelings towards his mom? ;) (just kidding on that one) But that sounds like a possible red-flag.

  2. Nope. Hrmm...wait a second...


    This man is not worth your time. If he was, he would be actively pursuing you.

    word verification: MATES ;-)

  3. I think...that you are a very strong woman...and need a very strong man. And...from what you have described, he seemed perhaps a little intimidated by you. Have you ever been around a man that intimidates YOU? I think that guy would be a good second date kinda guy. :O) If you have to keep driving these 'relationships' with guys, it seems they'll always fall flat because they can't keep up. Even a broken man can be strong... can you imagine how incredible a man would be if he was broken, vulnerable, and very strong at the same time?! wow?

  4. These comments are very interesting...

    MySingleMomLife asks: "Have you ever been around a man that intimidates YOU?" and "Even a broken man can be strong... can you imagine how incredible a man would be if he was broken, vulnerable, and very strong at the same time?"

    Well... you've just described Soldier.

    Now you understand.

    He is the ONLY man who intimidates me.

  5. I'm with Mindy and Bad Mummy.... No, sweet T.

    You've given me this same advice just this week:
    You deserve to be with a man who's present, who wants to know you, who's curious about the way you tick... and a man who can communicate, for goodness sake!

    But I'm not certain these are the reasons the Soldier intimidates you. Hmmm.

  6. I don't think so either, T, and I am the quintessential "give it another chance" girl.

    He couldn't read you. When you click...I mean wouldn't have had to ask for a kiss, and he would have rocked your world.

    You and I both know that.

    Okay, my 2 cents. Be well, T.

  7. Definitely for all the reasons above and more. You know this already. Re-read your previous posts.

  8. Oops - on iPhone - forgot the most important word above - NO!

  9. If you have to ask, do you really need an answer? It wouldn't hurt to see him once more. It might mean that you are 100% sure he's not the one to spend time and energy on. Then you won't wonder. Although I think you can stop wondering now!

  10. Nope. Pass on this one for several reasons.

    1. You have to work too hard for affection on this one. It should be so much easier in the beginning.
    2. You're too strong of a woman for him. Not that this is a bad thing at all, but this one is clearly not right for you.
    3. Bad kisser. I've passed on a couple of these in my life, too. It doesn't get any better at this age, y'know? If you are a bad kisser in your early 20's, you can still be trained. In your late
    30s/40s? Forget it. Too late. I once kissed a guy whose tongue was like a hard little appendage and even his seemingly sweet pecks on the lips were tight. It was awful. Sad, huh? He seemed nice, but I couldn't get past having to kiss him again.

    You're too beautiful and sexy; and have plenty of other options.


  11. Well T what is worst case? You have a shitty time for a few hours? Whats best case? its excellent fun and all that.
    Might be worth a shot, make the date something you can get out of without a lot of investment.

    so take worst case down to 2 bad hours, with the best case being the same, if its going good then extend it or opt for a third date if its still strained or whatever then opt out of #3 and move on!

  12. No. Relationships are a game of catch. If one person tosses the ball and the other doesn't catch it you can't play. Even if they decide to toss it back 3 weeks later. Something is lacking here. Hey if just want to have sex with him try it, but even that might be a problem.

    Forward people are great. The problem you will find is that many people are not direct and will do things indirectly. I stay away from them.

  13. Its so easy to say no! But honestly I dont know!

    Reality if it was me - I would go just to be sure either way!

  14. Everyone is slightly broken. The real question to ask yourself:

    If he doesnt know he is broken, forget him being fixed. If he does know he is broken, do YOU want to fix him?

  15. Yes, go out with him again.

    Two weeks is a long time for him not to call, but a 12-hour first date is a lot to process. Plus, maybe he has a life that he can't drop on a hat. It might take some time to work your two lives together.

    I think you guys simply did way too much on the first date, and it set your expectations sky high.

    I'd give him a second date. You said being with him felt like being with an old friend. Why not give him the benefit of the doubt? You'll know soon enough when you meet him again. And don't schedule another 12 hour date. Keep it simple.

  16. T,

    Don't do it. Kisses too rough and stingy. End of story.

  17. He sounds like a remarkably nice guy. I'm astounded that "didn't try to get in my pants" means that he's broken or not into you. He should probably date a girl who isn't as eager to get poked; he may be into relationships more than rubbing glands.

    Someone commented about everyone being broken; that part's awesome! If he realizes he's broken then there's lots of hope. But you can't fix him; nobody can. We are each responsible for fixing ourselves.

    Problem is, most of us have the most difficult time admitting that we're broken, or realizing the ways we're broken. And that makes it virtually impossible to fix ourselves.

    My opinion is that this guy might need to find someone who realizes she's broken, rather than someone who views herself as the ultimate prize that dude may not be worth. :)

  18. This has been a most interesting exercise!! I enjoy hearing everyone's feedback regarding this.

    Jen - He still seems very hurt from past relationships. It is rare that I've met a man who wasn't blaming. I think most of us do blame, though I try to see things from their perspective and take responsibility where I can.

    Mindy, Anonymous and Bad Mummy - wow! You've both made it very clear!

    Mysinglemomlife - your comment took my breath away because of Soldier. I am indeed trying to move on from Soldier but he still haunts me.

    SMS - yes, those are all things that Soldier was to me last year. He's changed since being deployed.

    Mama Llama - I know all about the 'click' but I'm wondering if the click is something I should listen to anymore. The last one I clicked with was Soldier.

    A few of you mentioned giving it one more date including Amy Sue, Jen and Sage. Thank you.

    KK - I love your reasoning! Yes, I need a good kisser too!

    Mike - yeah, I can't help but be forward. I really like to know what's going on vs. game playing.

    Laura - yep, that's why I wrote the post!

    Nice Piece of Buddhy - yes, we are all broken in our own way. This whole blog is about me understanding and attempts to heal my own brokenness. I don't have the energy to try to fix someone else. They have to do that for themselves.

    DH - You are right there! A 12 hour date is a bit much! And he was ill during the two weeks. I didn't even think about why he wasn't calling because I was pretty overwhelmed during that time period myself! Thanks for your suggestion of a second date.

    Kilter - The kiss was a bit stingy. Maybe he was unprepared for it? Though he talked about it earlier? Nerves, maybe?

    Scott - I appreciate your comments from a different perspective. And, as I mentioned above, I realize that I'm broken, or I wouldn't spend so much time writing about it for you to read. As you mention, it is much easier to point it out in others than to take responsibility for ourselves. Thank you.

  19. I wouldn't go out with this guy again! I had a similar experience many years ago, during Thanksgiving.. and it left me very perplexed. And he had no clue!! --I'm in agreement with Nice Piece of Buddhy!

  20. T, I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now and finally thought here is a post I can comment on. Yes, I would go out with him again, but from now on I would let him be the guy. If there's to be a kiss, let him initiate it. If there's to be hand holding, let him initiate it. If there's to be another date, let him ask. I would not fill in any uncomfortable silences and just let him be who he is and do what he will do. If you can sit back a bit like that, you will know very clearly what to do about him after the second date.

  21. Hell no. Then again, who am I to talk? ;)

  22. Well T, you probably know what I am going to say. The whole thing about how there are no mistakes. No matter what you do, you'll learn more about yourself and how you want to be in relationships. I do think he must be nuts for not moving in for that kiss, though :)


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