Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Ambiguity leads to greatness

While in this space of "I don't know", I've been reminded that ambiguity can be a good thing!

It has certainly proved to bring out the best surprises in my life.

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When I was pregnant with Rose, our initial sonogram to determine the sex was non-conclusive. So, we decided not to try again to find out our baby's gender. We would enjoy the pregnancy and be surprised at her arrival.

People were pissed.

I couldn't believe it but very few family and friends supported our decision to enjoy the surprise of the initial moments of childbirth.

"But what do we buy you?! What are you doing for the child's nursery?!"

I dunno... maybe something gender neutral like this:


At my baby shower, we received such unique gifts and clothing in all shades of green, red, yellow, turquoise, orange and purple! That "not knowing" forced everyone to use their imagination and think outside the box of pink and blue.

I've never been a pink or blue person anyway.

Once Rose was born, I added more to her jungle themed nursery and created a space inspired by the Monarch butterfly's yearly migration to Mexico. She even had a large tree in the corner with butterflies lit up in the branches and tons of jungle animals all around. It was fun and beautiful.

If it was a boy, I was planning on making it into a jungle full of dinosaurs.




Incidentally, after I moved Grace into the jungle room, I moved Rose into her own fun themed ocean room:





The seahorses were my favorite. There was also a family of dolphins, a mermaid, a huge happy blue whale and the ceiling was painted like waves from under water.



*sigh*

I loved those rooms in our old house. Looking at those pictures brings back lots of memories.

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I am doing my best to find comfort in this surrender. I can get there sometimes, again if I am trusting and having faith that everything is as it should be.

Sometimes, I want to control it, I want to KNOW what's next.

But I also have to remember that my wanting to KNOW and my wanting to CONTROL comes from fear. I've learned this lesson, ironically, from observing Soldier and supporting him through a 15 month deployment.

I often wonder if this surrendered place appears as weakness to observers.

I could certainly understand that. I understand the frustration but I don't know what is going to happen. And any attempts to force or control are not going to make anything better in my life.

Something about that ambiguity leads us past it - makes us all think outside the box and see beyond what could be.

Maybe it is because we're not fighting that which is right in front of us. Maybe because we are living in the now. Maybe because acceptance of "what is" does actually create miracles.

And maybe somewhere in the "not knowing", I am uncovering my own greatness. I am no longer limiting myself.

Now that's a gift worth receiving.

8 comments:

  1. "I often wonder if this surrendered place appears as weakness to observers."

    Actually...surrender of any form, to me, is strength. Surrendering is not for weenies. But it also allows freedom from the burden of needing to know; relax into it and surrendering all the 'I don't know's' to a higher authority, who does know; and who has your best interest at heart, always.

    Surrendering also moves a wall out of the way to find a truth within you. If you set it aside and allow time and circumstances to unfurl as they will, you find more of who you are in the process.

    An unveiling part of this process happened to me last week. It has happened a lot, but I'm freer now that I was before. The desires are still there, but I know more about me and actually more about where my place is in my whole scenario and it brings me a great deal of peace. I've had some trouble trying to articulate it all into a blog post...but I'm working on it. :O)

    ~N

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  2. It sounds like you are in a really good place right now and I think all will resolve itself in your surrender. But that's what you just said, isn't it? ;)

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  3. These are such great pics and ideas! Thank you for sharing. I love octopi and seahorses. Oh gosh and butterflies, too. :)

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  4. I agree with the idea of surrender equalling strength. It is stepping into a feared territory, something/somewhere you have until now fought against. You are releasing your control, realizing that you, in the end, are NOT the single controlling factor in your life. There are too many other influences--your girls, Soldier, to name a few--and it is humbling to admit you can't control it all.

    Humility is scary. It takes courage. Surrender is humility and is admirable in all it can open you up to experiencing.

    Be well, T.

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  5. Sometimes, I want to control it, I want to KNOW what's next.,

    I have a magnet on my fridge that says "Want to make God laugh?"
    Tell Him you've got plans.

    I have to practice turning my will and my life over to God. He's had the plan all along. I just need to do the next right thing. I get in the way ALL THE TIME.

    Thank you for sharing so openly and from the heart. You're a doll.

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  6. I ditto what Mindy Mom says: you're doing a damn good job woman!

    Not knowing is tough, and you're staying right there. Impressive. I'm not the only one who's proud of you.

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  7. I love how you are thinking and that you are sharing these thoughts with us. You have a wonderful thought process. Yes, there is much freedom in acceptance of what is and by allowing.

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  8. I have two children, a boy and a girl, and I didn't find out the sex of either one of them.

    I can relate to the reactions from people. But at the time, I wanted to not know. I wanted to be surprised.

    And both times, I cried upon finding out. Because at the end of the day it didn't really matter. I was going to be a father and fall in love with the child regardless of their sex.

    I actually encourage people to not find out. It's just so much more fun when they're born.

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