While in this space of "I don't know", I've been reminded that ambiguity can be a good thing!
It has certainly proved to bring out the best surprises in my life.
When I was pregnant with Rose, our initial sonogram to determine the sex was non-conclusive. So, we decided not to try again to find out our baby's gender. We would enjoy the pregnancy and be surprised at her arrival.
People were pissed.
I couldn't believe it but very few family and friends supported our decision to enjoy the surprise of the initial moments of childbirth.
"But what do we buy you?! What are you doing for the child's nursery?!"
I dunno... maybe something gender neutral like this:
At my baby shower, we received such unique gifts and clothing in all shades of green, red, yellow, turquoise, orange and purple! That "not knowing" forced everyone to use their imagination and think outside the box of pink and blue.
I've never been a pink or blue person anyway.
Once Rose was born, I added more to her jungle themed nursery and created a space inspired by the Monarch butterfly's yearly migration to Mexico. She even had a large tree in the corner with butterflies lit up in the branches and tons of jungle animals all around. It was fun and beautiful.
If it was a boy, I was planning on making it into a jungle full of dinosaurs.
Incidentally, after I moved Grace into the jungle room, I moved Rose into her own fun themed ocean room:
The seahorses were my favorite. There was also a family of dolphins, a mermaid, a huge happy blue whale and the ceiling was painted like waves from under water.
I loved those rooms in our old house. Looking at those pictures brings back lots of memories.
I am doing my best to find comfort in this surrender. I can get there sometimes, again if I am trusting and having faith that everything is as it should be.
Sometimes, I want to control it, I want to KNOW what's next.
But I also have to remember that my wanting to KNOW and my wanting to CONTROL comes from fear. I've learned this lesson, ironically, from observing Soldier and supporting him through a 15 month deployment.
I often wonder if this surrendered place appears as weakness to observers.
I could certainly understand that. I understand the frustration but I don't know what is going to happen. And any attempts to force or control are not going to make anything better in my life.
Something about that ambiguity leads us past it - makes us all think outside the box and see beyond what could be.
Maybe it is because we're not fighting that which is right in front of us. Maybe because we are living in the now. Maybe because acceptance of "what is" does actually create miracles.
And maybe somewhere in the "not knowing", I am uncovering my own greatness. I am no longer limiting myself.
Now that's a gift worth receiving.