I am SO very low right now. I want to crawl up into a ball and beg the world to go away.
Spirit: Why do you think you're so low right now?
ego: Because I am tired. I'm tired of being the one relied upon by so many.
So very tired of watching the rest of the world get paired up and I feel so... jealous. I don't like that feeling. I'm more "enlightened" than that. I don't get jealous. That's so very UGLY of me to not be happy for those people.
What's wrong with me?! The single guy at work has someone now. Even TNT has someone now. Well, at least he gives me credit for opening him up to someone. Yay me.
I feel so very alone. Alone and UGLY for feeling jealous.
Spirit: Child, you are NEVER alone.
I have never left you through any of this, the good or the bad. YOU are the one who judges things as good or bad. To me, they are merely nothing.
YOU are the one who is judging yourself for these feelings you call UGLY. To me, they are merely nothing.
Of course you feel something upon seeing others seemingly happily engaged in new relationships. Remember you also feel something upon seeing others in seemingly not-happy relationships. Of course you will judge these things as good or bad. To me, they are merely nothing.
These "things", these "feelings", these "fears", these are all temporary states of what you think. Your thoughts are the cause of all of this. Those thoughts are nothing. They are not Who You Are.
Now you... YOU are something.
You are already that love that you are seeking.
You are simply choosing not to see it right now. That's ok. Choosing not to see it doesn't mean that it has left you.
ego: But I remember... when I was happily engaged in a new relationship with
*sigh* Remember when he was "my" soldier?
When Soldier and I were first dating, I was so completely blissful. Everything was right with the world. Despite the fact that my own father was dying, Soldier was my escape. He would hold me, nurture me, compliment me, LOVE me. I've felt many moments of bliss like that over this past year too. I felt loved and supported... not like I was doing all of this on my own. He was so very kind.
And now? He's back. He's frustrated. He's overwhelmed by everything.... He's trying to get settled though he will be done with his post in just a few months. He wants to get back into shape again. He is concentrating on himself right now... as he should be!
But I miss him. I want him to get better so that we can move forward. And then I get angry at myself for wanting that. I'm so confused as to who he really is.
It was so beautiful... and now its a beautiful mess, isn't it? Oh the last line of that song makes me cry... "The wait was so worth it..."
He wants to take me out to dinner and what?! Woo me again? Into what? He won't even BE in Texas in a few months. Do I want a long distance relationship? Does he? Can I do this anymore?
But oh how I wish he would be "that guy" he promises to be...
I feel as if I should say no and move on... but I am so very scared. What if I lose that chance at "beautiful" again?
I don't want to be alone anymore. I thought I could be happy as a single mom of two little girls until he swept in with words of adoration and a future together... now, I can't imagine my life without that.
What if I never find that again?
I just wish I knew what was going to happen!
Spirit: So you love him?
ego: Very much so. Yes.
Spirit: And this panic right now... Is it because you love him or because you fear losing love?
Spirit: You can never lose love.
If you are feeling fear, it is because you are relying on your own strength and believing those thoughts. You are not relying on that Truth inside of you.
You are focused on what was and what might happen. What about Right Now? Did you ever think that you are exactly where you are supposed to be?
Do you not trust that I know what is best for you? That I know what is the most perfect form of "beautiful" for you?
That "bliss" that you speak of? That "bliss" is inside of you at this very moment.
You tend to not notice it until you are with someone who reflects it back to you. They are but a mirror. That love is always there if you would but tap into it.
It is always there.
ego: I just want to cry.
I've cried myself to sleep for over a week now. I am drained. I can't focus. I want to be left alone to cry and mourn.
I'm tired of being ALONE!!!
I want someone to hold me, tell me that they are here for me, let me cry and feel loved again. But I won't ask anyone for that. Everyone thinks I'm stronger than that.
Everyone already has someone.
Spirit: Did you ever think that the reason you are seeing such love around you is because you have put it there?
ego: No. I never thought of that. But I do remember wishing that everyone could feel the love that I felt when I was loving Soldier all year.
Spirit: If you are going to look at those people and their new loves, maybe you could let it remind you that what you are seeing is what you choose to see. And you, my Child, have chosen to see love.
If you would but remove your judgment and allow me to show you that all of it, even what it appears that Soldier is doing, all of it is love.
And all of you believe in this lack of love, as if you could ever be such a thing. That belief in lack appears to be the truth. Of course, that belief will make you frightened!
Trust me. Breathe. Stay calm. Let me show you My Vision.
I promise what you think is happening looks much different from my point of view.
ego: Ok. I'll try.
Spirit: That's all I need to hear.
"When you can look beneath their behavior that hurt you, T, and you can see the frightened child - it becomes nearly impossible to be angry and carry a grudge."
~ Notes from the Universe 2/18/2009
"You merely ask the question. The answer is given. Seek not to answer, but merely receive the answer as it is given..... (And) to receive it, (You) must be willing not to substitute (your) own in place of it."
~ A Course in Miracles