Wednesday, February 18, 2009

A Conversation between my ego and my Spirit

ego: *sigh*

I am SO very low right now. I want to crawl up into a ball and beg the world to go away.

Spirit: Why do you think you're so low right now?

ego: Because I am tired. I'm tired of being the one relied upon by so many.

Single mom.

Single.

So very tired of watching the rest of the world get paired up and I feel so... jealous. I don't like that feeling. I'm more "enlightened" than that. I don't get jealous. That's so very UGLY of me to not be happy for those people.

Still...

Why

isn't

it

me?

What's wrong with me?! The single guy at work has someone now. Even TNT has someone now. Well, at least he gives me credit for opening him up to someone. Yay me.

I feel so very alone. Alone and UGLY for feeling jealous.

Spirit: Child, you are NEVER alone.

I have never left you through any of this, the good or the bad. YOU are the one who judges things as good or bad. To me, they are merely nothing.

YOU are the one who is judging yourself for these feelings you call UGLY. To me, they are merely nothing.

Of course you feel something upon seeing others seemingly happily engaged in new relationships. Remember you also feel something upon seeing others in seemingly not-happy relationships. Of course you will judge these things as good or bad. To me, they are merely nothing.

These "things", these "feelings", these "fears", these are all temporary states of what you think. Your thoughts are the cause of all of this. Those thoughts are nothing. They are not Who You Are.

Now you... YOU are something.

You are already that love that you are seeking.

You are simply choosing not to see it right now. That's ok. Choosing not to see it doesn't mean that it has left you.

ego: But I remember... when I was happily engaged in a new relationship with my Soldier.

*sigh* Remember when he was "my" soldier?

When Soldier and I were first dating, I was so completely blissful. Everything was right with the world. Despite the fact that my own father was dying, Soldier was my escape. He would hold me, nurture me, compliment me, LOVE me. I've felt many moments of bliss like that over this past year too. I felt loved and supported... not like I was doing all of this on my own. He was so very kind.

And now? He's back. He's frustrated. He's overwhelmed by everything.... He's trying to get settled though he will be done with his post in just a few months. He wants to get back into shape again. He is concentrating on himself right now... as he should be!

But I miss him. I want him to get better so that we can move forward. And then I get angry at myself for wanting that. I'm so confused as to who he really is.

It was so beautiful... and now its a beautiful mess, isn't it? Oh the last line of that song makes me cry... "The wait was so worth it..."

*sigh*

He wants to take me out to dinner and what?! Woo me again? Into what? He won't even BE in Texas in a few months. Do I want a long distance relationship? Does he? Can I do this anymore?

But oh how I wish he would be "that guy" he promises to be...

I feel as if I should say no and move on... but I am so very scared. What if I lose that chance at "beautiful" again?

I don't want to be alone anymore. I thought I could be happy as a single mom of two little girls until he swept in with words of adoration and a future together... now, I can't imagine my life without that.

What if I never find that again?

I just wish I knew what was going to happen!

Spirit: So you love him?

ego: Very much so. Yes.

Spirit: And this panic right now... Is it because you love him or because you fear losing love?

ego: Hmmm...

Spirit: You can never lose love.

If you are feeling fear, it is because you are relying on your own strength and believing those thoughts. You are not relying on that Truth inside of you.

You are focused on what was and what might happen. What about Right Now? Did you ever think that you are exactly where you are supposed to be?

Do you not trust that I know what is best for you? That I know what is the most perfect form of "beautiful" for you?

That "bliss" that you speak of? That "bliss" is inside of you at this very moment.

You tend to not notice it until you are with someone who reflects it back to you. They are but a mirror. That love is always there if you would but tap into it.

It is always there.

ego: I just want to cry.

I've cried myself to sleep for over a week now. I am drained. I can't focus. I want to be left alone to cry and mourn.

No!

Not alone!

I'm tired of being ALONE!!!

I want someone to hold me, tell me that they are here for me, let me cry and feel loved again. But I won't ask anyone for that. Everyone thinks I'm stronger than that.

Everyone already has someone.

Spirit: Did you ever think that the reason you are seeing such love around you is because you have put it there?

ego: No. I never thought of that. But I do remember wishing that everyone could feel the love that I felt when I was loving Soldier all year.

Spirit: If you are going to look at those people and their new loves, maybe you could let it remind you that what you are seeing is what you choose to see. And you, my Child, have chosen to see love.

If you would but remove your judgment and allow me to show you that all of it, even what it appears that Soldier is doing, all of it is love.

And all of you believe in this lack of love, as if you could ever be such a thing. That belief in lack appears to be the truth. Of course, that belief will make you frightened!

Trust me. Breathe. Stay calm. Let me show you My Vision.

I promise what you think is happening looks much different from my point of view.

ego: Ok. I'll try.

Spirit: That's all I need to hear.




"When you can look beneath their behavior that hurt you, T, and you can see the frightened child - it becomes nearly impossible to be angry and carry a grudge."

~ Notes from the Universe 2/18/2009


"You merely ask the question. The answer is given. Seek not to answer, but merely receive the answer as it is given..... (And) to receive it, (You) must be willing not to substitute (your) own in place of it."

~ A Course in Miracles

13 comments:

  1. Yes, I have been in that place that you describe here...crying, wanting the world to just go away, not wanting to be alone anymore, knowing others think that I'm strong but tired of having to BE strong...

    And I do think that when we're in deep in wanting and loving someone, it is so hard to see outside, to get another perspective. And while God does see it, it seems to take us so much longer.

    So, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. It's okay.

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  2. Never forget that the ups surely follow the downs... (HUGS)

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  3. Hang in there, T. You don't have to be strong all the time. Everyone knows that we all stumble from time to time. Let your guard down and allow yourself to feel what you feel... without being ashamed or embarrassed. My sister, who is 13 years older than me, was in this spot not too long ago. I have seen first hand how hard it can be. Know that I am here for you and I'm praying for you. You will make it out of this!

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  4. Some days, it feels like your words came out of my own head (though you have a gift for articulating them I've not yet uncovered!) I find myself in this place too, and struggle to make the right decisions, struggle to do the right things that I think will get me where I want to be. It's only when I stop struggling, stop trying, stop analyzing, stop wondering and just LET THINGS HAPPEN that I find any peace. Your Spirit knows this, just as mine does. It is difficult to JUST BE, but at the same time, once you're there, it is the easiest thing in the world.

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  5. I think we've all been here T, at least I know I have. Thanks for your beuatiful reminder of how our ego and spirit often clash but it is still all within us. Hang in there, strong single mom.

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  6. This was a very good example of how the conversation between spirit and ego has on a daily basis. Great job. Follow your spirit, accept and allow.

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  7. Beautiful conversation, T. Thanks for sharing it with us.
    You know, you are getting quite good at this conversation. This can be a really great thing, or it can be a way to perpetuate the pain. These conversations could be you remembering, or they could be what you think you should do as a strong, single mom/teacher. (Remember the “holy should” conversation a few posts back?) Only you know their purpose, T, and thankfully, it can change in an instant.
    You have nothing to prove to any of us, you know. So, you’re scared. So, you’re lonely. Everyone here is. As you’ve so often reminded all of us, with a changed purpose, these are gifts that point you back to you.
    You couldn’t be scared, if you didn’t believe that there was something other than Love. You couldn’t see love in your relationship with Soldier when he was holding you and not see it now, if you didn’t believe there was something other than Love. Yes, it is absurd, but that’s what here is.
    T, we all want to be alone, or we wouldn’t find ourselves here. And, don’t be fooled into thinking that those of us in relationships aren’t lonely. For most, the relationship just reinforces the loneliness by seemingly assuaging it. We’re all doing the exact same thing – trying to find a substitute for Love through specialness. So? As you know, our mistake has no real effect.
    Be gentle with yourself today, T, but ask yourself what you really want. All of the little answers lie with in that big one. You are teaching exactly what you need to learn…we all are. Thank you for being our teacher.

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  8. Darlin, I just want to remind you of something ...

    My favorite all time thing. Hope.

    Because in the end, when the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try one more time”.

    Hugs and Love sweetie.

    -QT

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  9. Wow I love how you did your own Conversation with God. What a powerful process and what wisdom and beauty emerged. I hope it brought you much comfort.

    I know so much of that place. I remember walking around and feeling like all around were couples in love, unbroken families, everything seeming to emphasize what I thought I lacked.

    How challenging to love ourselves in the way we wish someone else would. I adore you, T!!!!

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  10. Oh wouldn't it be nice if EVERYONE would just be who they promise to be! :)

    I fall down under the weight of the fact that life is a constant battle. Constant. I sure get tired of fighting ... just for my little space. *sigh*

    Be well, little sister soul.

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  11. I am feeling so many of these things right now T, and reading it at this moment gave me such a feeling of calm. Thank you endlessly for that. I love how you wrote this post, it is so touching and beautiful. Hang in there.

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  12. You paint the picture of what you are going through with such beauty. Hang in there!

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  13. this is hard, but you write it beautifully and with clarity. hang in there.

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Thank you for leaving me some comment love!