Friday, February 6, 2009

Hope is a funny thing

Tonight I took myself on a movie date. Movie dates are one of my favorite treats to myself. I was excited about the newest chick flick to hit the big screen: He's Just Not That Into You

I went to this particular movie thinking that it would encourage my strength and give me more confirmation that I stick to my 'no', despite pleads that I change my mind.

The first thing I noticed while watching the movie is... damn, Scarlett Johansson is gloriously hot. Her body, her lips... holy wow! I love a woman with curves.

Hmmmm... ok where was I? Oh yeah...

I was expecting to learn some things about dating... and I did actually. I hadn't read the book so I didn't know how I would feel after the movie.

The movie was good. I enjoyed it. I did expect it to be laugh out loud funny (because I would be the one laughing the loudest) and it had its funny moments. I also enjoyed that though it seemed like dating could be very frustrating, hope is always a good thing to have.

It reminded me of that old saying, "Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs...."

Yeah, you know what I mean.

What I didn't expect, however, was that it would turn my 'hope switch' back on.

The Soldier Hope Switch.


***spoiler alert - skip to the next paragraph***

All through the movie, the main character gets her hopes up with every guy who shows the slightest interest in her. She befriends a male who offers her much needed advice about dating men. She starts to get her hopes up with him, but he doesn't reciprocate. Embarrassed, she tells him that he will be a lonely man but she will actually find someone because she still has hope. He realizes that she is right, that she is the one and he begins to get all attached and stalker-like with her. Of course, in the end, they are together.

***end of spoiler alert***


That's when it hit me: Soldier was not an emotionally unavailable man until he went off to war.

Sure, he may have been taking it slowly at first. Of course, I did too. We were just getting to know each other again.

I remember when I realized that I was beginning to fall for him. I didn't want to tell him because I knew he wasn't there yet. Instead, I created some drama over something he said and got emotional.

Instead of calling me 'dramatic' or 'emotional', he sat with me, staring into my eyes and said to me, "I am not leaving until you talk to me and tell me what's really wrong."

I told him that I needed him and I wished he would need me too. He didn't respond but held me and kissed me over and over again.

We talked during that week and only four days later, I knew he felt the same way. He was stumbling over his words as he left me a message to call him. He was excited about seeing me the next night. When we were together the following night, he was amazingly feeling, loving, open. That was one of the most wonderful evenings of my life.

That was when we knew that we were both falling in love.

I'd turned off my Soldier Hope Switch during/after his R & R leave with me. I'd given up on the man I was falling for before he went off to war. The switch was starting to flicker over these past few weeks of his persistent questioning about a trip to Chicago to meet him.

I held the switch down firm last week when I finally told him no.

But this movie, combined with his promise to "be that man again".... reminded me of who that man was.

The man who would stare at me with a smile every time we were near each other.

The man who listened intently and observed my body language with every detailed story I told.

The man who would say out loud that being with me was his "high school fantasy."

The man who would pull me close when we slept together with a gentle, "come here woman", and a nook that I fit perfectly into.

The man who would stop me, in mid conversation, just to say, "You're so pretty..." and sigh deeply as he held me close.

The man that I would talk to for hours, when we could have been having sex! Something that surprised the both of us. We talked more and connected more emotionally than we did physically.

The man who said he felt safe with me.

The man who cried tears at having to leave me.

I miss that man. And the hope that he may come back to me... is sometimes too much to bear.

I know things are different. I know he has to work on himself and his life. I know that he, like all of us, cannot love me until he loves himself again.

But a girl can hope, can't she?


  1. Yes a girl can hope - knowing it can also be a dangerous thing.

    I have been there T. Don't forget about the illusion of him that is not consistently the real him.

  2. I know Mindy. And I'm sure there will be more comments reminding me of the same thing. I agree but... as the movie asked, I wonder:

    Are we the exception or the rule?

  3. Without hope we have nothing!

    Some days I do feel hopeless but its the first thing I try get back - it drives everything else!

  4. Awww. I sure hope you guys are the exception, just like Alex and Gigi. But I, for one, am wondering how we can ever be sure. That movie kind of rocked my world a bit. Men suck. :( The book rocked my world a bit, too. That and Manslations. Cheating bastards. Bah humbug.

  5. I am not suggesting that you "hang on a lover's cross" for him, but...I think it would be a mistake to just dismiss it all out of hand. I mean just imagine what he's been through. Wouldn't true love give someone like that the time and space to process it all. I think there is a way to take care of you and your own needs/wants without totally throwing the baby out with the bath water. I mean, really, how often in a lifetime is it that we get to feel about someone the way you feel about him> How many times in a lifetime do we get to feel the way you felt with him. I don't think I'd be too quick to just throw it all away. Having said that, I also think you need to remember to not allow yourself to be taken advantage of. Does any of this make sense? Anyway...I'm rooting for you!

  6. Just back from the movie... and while I couldn't agree more with you -- Scarlett Johansson is gloriously hot!!! -- the film disappointed me.

    I felt like it was very man-centered, encouraging women to wait, be patient, bat their eyebrows... and maybe the guy will come around. It made me a bit sad.

    Yes, hope, hope, and more hope.

    But hoping for one man to change and return to his "old" self? Not so sure.

    Big hug.

  7. Oops, meant "eyelashes"... it's midnight.

  8. The guy has been to war. Why couldn't you wait and see if he changed back to who he used to be? It's not like he's a recovering alcoholic or is addicted to kicking senior citizens when they're trying to climb stairs.

    He's been through a physically and emotionally traumatizing event that nobody can ever truly understand other than those who have been through the same thing.

    You simply have to ask yourself: is he worth the wait? And while the decision may be extremely difficult, I really don't think the question is.

    If a woman I loved went through a traumatic experience and asked me to wait until she was ready, I would. If she told me that she could be the woman she used to be once she got through these tough times, I would be there for her.

    If you love this guy...or at least love what could be if he was the man he was before going to war...then you just have to ask yourself if he's worth the time and patience it may take for him to become the man he wants to be (if that's even possible). comments on the movie, though. :-/

  9. Awwww! Damn right, you can hope! T, thanks for your encouraging comments on even my most difficult to comment on posts! :) The one you wrote on my post The Divine Secrets I am going to have copied and framed, it so inspired me to speak with truth and authenticity.
    You have the same strength and it shows in your posts too- Watch out world, we are two powerful women!

  10. Oh, how I hope!
    It's the best way to Cope.

    Every day,
    Every Night,
    In the train,

    Oh, there is always Hope,
    don't forget,
    that metro-sexual kinda hope!
    With bagels & lox,
    and mocha coffee at Starbucks!

    There's a Girl for every Guy!
    There's a Girl for evrry Girl!
    There's hope, damnit!

    Wait a minute,
    that's my coffee...
    hold on a minute....

    ....where ya goin???



  11. As I always say...

    Resilient creatures, we humans are. Just when we think we cannot possibly take anymore... Just when we think there's no way we can get up and face the day. ...Just when we feel like we've hit the bottom of despair and there's no turning back....

    We find a way.

    As the old saying goes "Hope Springs Eternal". And it's so true.

    I need to watch that movie! :)

  12. Hope scares me sometimes. But I can't seem to let go of it, so I sit with that contradiction.

    It's so hard to really know another person: who are they, other than the sum of our projections, hopes, and fears?

    I am waxing philosophical here, tonight... but I just wanted you to know that I know how hard it is to let go of someone who touched you so deeply. Keep wrestling with it here, and I am hopeful for you.

  13. T, I think iusedtohavehair is right. Probably more "right" than most of us who have commented. Soldier has been, well, a soldier at war. I know the "not knowing" is one of the hardest things to deal with, but my guess is you won't really, truly know until he is back on US soil -- and has been back adjusting to civilian life for a number of months.

    That said, I am also a hopeful person. Just try to deal with what is right in front of you, rather than trying to guess what will happen.

    Hugs, T!

  14. I have experienced this from both sides. It isn't easy and anyone who says they know exactly what you are going through is an idiot.

    Alone is hard, even when you are with them.

  15. Yes a girl can hope! The key is to hope with eyes wide open and not to get caught in illusions or of memories past. It is the now that counts, not what used to be. Hope and honest communication, who knows it could work! Be clear on what you want and understand on what he is able to give and vice versa.

  16. Hope is that one thing that keeps you going. Isn't it funny how we both kinda came away with the same take-home message from the movie, even though the book "He's Just not That Into You," was all about ridding oneself of 'hope.'
    Hope lives! So glad for it.

  17. OMG Scarlett Johansson... right? *hawt* anywaayyys

    the movie: I found it not so encouraging for people ALREADY in a relationship or married even!! (urgh) - NO! NOT ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS come onnn! There is so much more symmetry between genders I don't get it... Not in the way we present things or the way we talk or think, but definitely in the facts - how much girls and guys cheat for example... and not all guys cheat or want to cheat. So yes, keep the hopes up!

    Because without hope, what are we? Not much. Not hurt maybe, but not much.

  18. Oye. Seem to be on the same wavelength (to an extent). I wonder if The Friend is wanting me to keep holding onto him, and, if so, for how long? For now, though, I have to go with what his words were...more than his actions.

    Thinking of you.

  19. I could seriously not concentrate on your post after that picture. I'll admit it, I'm a guy.

    Being emotionally connected is the cornerstone of any relationship. It's probably one of the things people miss the most when their spouse/other changes over the years.


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