I went to this particular movie thinking that it would encourage my strength and give me more confirmation that I stick to my 'no', despite pleads that I change my mind.
The first thing I noticed while watching the movie is... damn, Scarlett Johansson is gloriously hot. Her body, her lips... holy wow! I love a woman with curves.
Hmmmm... ok where was I? Oh yeah...
I was expecting to learn some things about dating... and I did actually. I hadn't read the book so I didn't know how I would feel after the movie.
The movie was good. I enjoyed it. I did expect it to be laugh out loud funny (because I would be the one laughing the loudest) and it had its funny moments. I also enjoyed that though it seemed like dating could be very frustrating, hope is always a good thing to have.
It reminded me of that old saying, "Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs...."
Yeah, you know what I mean.
What I didn't expect, however, was that it would turn my 'hope switch' back on.
The Soldier Hope Switch.
***spoiler alert - skip to the next paragraph***
All through the movie, the main character gets her hopes up with every guy who shows the slightest interest in her. She befriends a male who offers her much needed advice about dating men. She starts to get her hopes up with him, but he doesn't reciprocate. Embarrassed, she tells him that he will be a lonely man but she will actually find someone because she still has hope. He realizes that she is right, that she is the one and he begins to get all attached and stalker-like with her. Of course, in the end, they are together.
***end of spoiler alert***
That's when it hit me: Soldier was not an emotionally unavailable man until he went off to war.
Sure, he may have been taking it slowly at first. Of course, I did too. We were just getting to know each other again.
I remember when I realized that I was beginning to fall for him. I didn't want to tell him because I knew he wasn't there yet. Instead, I created some drama over something he said and got emotional.
Instead of calling me 'dramatic' or 'emotional', he sat with me, staring into my eyes and said to me, "I am not leaving until you talk to me and tell me what's really wrong."
I told him that I needed him and I wished he would need me too. He didn't respond but held me and kissed me over and over again.
We talked during that week and only four days later, I knew he felt the same way. He was stumbling over his words as he left me a message to call him. He was excited about seeing me the next night. When we were together the following night, he was amazingly feeling, loving, open. That was one of the most wonderful evenings of my life.
That was when we knew that we were both falling in love.
I'd turned off my Soldier Hope Switch during/after his R & R leave with me. I'd given up on the man I was falling for before he went off to war. The switch was starting to flicker over these past few weeks of his persistent questioning about a trip to Chicago to meet him.
I held the switch down firm last week when I finally told him no.
But this movie, combined with his promise to "be that man again".... reminded me of who that man was.
The man who would stare at me with a smile every time we were near each other.
The man who listened intently and observed my body language with every detailed story I told.
The man who would say out loud that being with me was his "high school fantasy."
The man who would pull me close when we slept together with a gentle, "come here woman", and a nook that I fit perfectly into.
The man who would stop me, in mid conversation, just to say, "You're so pretty..." and sigh deeply as he held me close.
The man that I would talk to for hours, when we could have been having sex! Something that surprised the both of us. We talked more and connected more emotionally than we did physically.
The man who said he felt safe with me.
The man who cried tears at having to leave me.
I miss that man. And the hope that he may come back to me... is sometimes too much to bear.
I know things are different. I know he has to work on himself and his life. I know that he, like all of us, cannot love me until he loves himself again.
But a girl can hope, can't she?