He said 'please' ya'll.
I woke up this morning a little anxious about hearing from Soldier. I knew he wouldn't have received my email until this morning and I had no idea how he'd respond.
He's excited about coming home, sure, but he's also been very impatient lately.
I'd actually cried myself to sleep last night. Not because I felt that I made the wrong choice in saying no to him, but because I felt as if I was opening up a whole new world for myself. I felt as if I were taking some sort of power back... like I was finally starting the new beginning of allowing myself to be... well, ME.
I was just leaving my office for lunchtime yoga when I received Soldier's email. It was a very direct and short email asking why and inquiring what issues had suddenly arose for me to turn down the trip.
I didn't reply.
How could I? There are so many reasons and I didn't have time to type them all.
I thoroughly enjoyed my yoga class and nearly lost consciousness during savasana. I felt alive and fully present. I was opening my heart chakra in hopes that I could be kind and loving in whatever response I gave to him.
I heard a message loud and clear in my mind:
He doesn't want to be alone.
OK, I could relate to him on that level. I always try to find the sameness with someone I am in disagreement with. If I can find where we can meet, then I can connect on that level and be as loving as possible.
"You're so not a hard-ass." said the CEO where I work. He loves to analyze personalities and give relationship advice. He knew it was a big decision that I said 'no'. He was encouraging me all day in confirmation that I did what I felt was best. But he also knows that I can't cut someone out of my life. Its just not me. I always leave a door open to friendship.
After lunch I was very busy and still didn't get a chance to reply.
Later in the afternoon, Soldier called.
He said he was very surprised to receive the email from me. He was curious what had happened to make me say no.
I let it all out.
All of it. Everything I said in yesterday's post and more.
T: "How can you ask me to not have expectations when I'm not finished mourning the expectations that were dashed just a few months ago?"
T: "I am an emotional, loving, affectionate person. I'm not sure that's who you want to see in Chicago."
T: "I know you have to blow off steam. I realize you're going to indulge over the next few months or so. I don't want to get in your way. I don't want to get in the middle of that."
T: "I'm hesitant about seeing you because I can't handle being around the guy I saw back in October. That's not fair to you."
T: "People in my life who know me, friends or friends with benefits, they know I'm intimate, affectionate and nurturing. I say 'I love you' to them and they don't freak out."
He responded thoughtfully. He understood my hesitancy. He said back in October, he felt we tried to squeeze so much into such a short amount of time. He said he felt guilty because he thought I couldn't relax. He thought I worked so hard to please him that he felt bad about it.
S: "T, do you remember the guy you knew back in September, 2007? What did you think about that guy?"
T:"Oh honey... I loved that man. He was kind, loving, giving, so thoughtful..."
S:"I hoped you'd say that. I will be home within the next few weeks. I am going to be that man again. I'd really like you to reconsider meeting me in Chicago. Please."
T:"I'm just not sure. At this point, it doesn't feel right. And I'll probably get emotional and affectionate again. I'm not sure you want that. I think you only want the sexual T but not the emotional girl that you know I am."
S:"What made you think I didn’t want the parts of you that get emotional?"
I told him how disappointed I was. I told him how I felt that he was being impatient and selfish lately. I said that I didn't feel comfortable with him beyond email and phone. I felt like we need to be around each other physically to create a real relationship again. A true friendship with comfort and trust and honesty. I told him everything I'd been holding in for months.
He took it like a man.
An honest, sensitive man.
He gently responded to everything I said. He understood. He explained further. He acknowledged my hurt and my feelings. He asked again if I would meet him in June.
I asked him to let me think about it.
He said he would love to take me to dinner to discuss it further.
He has lots of plans for 2009. He has lots of decompressing to do when he returns from war. And now, somewhere in his plans, he wants to take the time to convince me to meet him on neutral ground.
S:"It'll be like the Super Bowl, honey. You're the Cardinals and I'm the Steelers (his absolute favorite team). Chicago will be our Tampa Bay."
He's always been good at making me laugh.
I'm not sure I trust his motives just yet. He'll have lots of convincing to do. But the fact that he said "please"? That's a good place to start.