Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Please?

He said 'please' ya'll.

I woke up this morning a little anxious about hearing from Soldier. I knew he wouldn't have received my email until this morning and I had no idea how he'd respond.

He's excited about coming home, sure, but he's also been very impatient lately.

I'd actually cried myself to sleep last night. Not because I felt that I made the wrong choice in saying no to him, but because I felt as if I was opening up a whole new world for myself. I felt as if I were taking some sort of power back... like I was finally starting the new beginning of allowing myself to be... well, ME.

I was just leaving my office for lunchtime yoga when I received Soldier's email. It was a very direct and short email asking why and inquiring what issues had suddenly arose for me to turn down the trip.

I didn't reply.

How could I? There are so many reasons and I didn't have time to type them all.

---

I thoroughly enjoyed my yoga class and nearly lost consciousness during savasana. I felt alive and fully present. I was opening my heart chakra in hopes that I could be kind and loving in whatever response I gave to him.

I heard a message loud and clear in my mind:

He doesn't want to be alone.

OK, I could relate to him on that level. I always try to find the sameness with someone I am in disagreement with. If I can find where we can meet, then I can connect on that level and be as loving as possible.

"You're so not a hard-ass." said the CEO where I work. He loves to analyze personalities and give relationship advice. He knew it was a big decision that I said 'no'. He was encouraging me all day in confirmation that I did what I felt was best. But he also knows that I can't cut someone out of my life. Its just not me. I always leave a door open to friendship.

---

After lunch I was very busy and still didn't get a chance to reply.

Later in the afternoon, Soldier called.

He said he was very surprised to receive the email from me. He was curious what had happened to make me say no.

I let it all out.

All of it. Everything I said in yesterday's post and more.

T: "How can you ask me to not have expectations when I'm not finished mourning the expectations that were dashed just a few months ago?"

T: "I am an emotional, loving, affectionate person. I'm not sure that's who you want to see in Chicago."

T: "I know you have to blow off steam. I realize you're going to indulge over the next few months or so. I don't want to get in your way. I don't want to get in the middle of that."

T: "I'm hesitant about seeing you because I can't handle being around the guy I saw back in October. That's not fair to you."

T: "People in my life who know me, friends or friends with benefits, they know I'm intimate, affectionate and nurturing. I say 'I love you' to them and they don't freak out."


He responded thoughtfully. He understood my hesitancy. He said back in October, he felt we tried to squeeze so much into such a short amount of time. He said he felt guilty because he thought I couldn't relax. He thought I worked so hard to please him that he felt bad about it.

S: "T, do you remember the guy you knew back in September, 2007? What did you think about that guy?"

T:"Oh honey... I loved that man. He was kind, loving, giving, so thoughtful..."

S:"I hoped you'd say that. I will be home within the next few weeks. I am going to be that man again. I'd really like you to reconsider meeting me in Chicago. Please."

T:"I'm just not sure. At this point, it doesn't feel right. And I'll probably get emotional and affectionate again. I'm not sure you want that. I think you only want the sexual T but not the emotional girl that you know I am."

S:"What made you think I didn’t want the parts of you that get emotional?"

*sigh*

I told him how disappointed I was. I told him how I felt that he was being impatient and selfish lately. I said that I didn't feel comfortable with him beyond email and phone. I felt like we need to be around each other physically to create a real relationship again. A true friendship with comfort and trust and honesty. I told him everything I'd been holding in for months.

He took it like a man.

An honest, sensitive man.

He gently responded to everything I said. He understood. He explained further. He acknowledged my hurt and my feelings. He asked again if I would meet him in June.

I asked him to let me think about it.

He said he would love to take me to dinner to discuss it further.

He has lots of plans for 2009. He has lots of decompressing to do when he returns from war. And now, somewhere in his plans, he wants to take the time to convince me to meet him on neutral ground.

S:"It'll be like the Super Bowl, honey. You're the Cardinals and I'm the Steelers (his absolute favorite team). Chicago will be our Tampa Bay."

He's always been good at making me laugh.

We'll see.

I'm not sure I trust his motives just yet. He'll have lots of convincing to do. But the fact that he said "please"? That's a good place to start.

22 comments:

  1. Well T if you give him a shot and it doesn't work then you know. If you don't and hes still trying 6 months from now then you will also know.

    Tough call but he is trying damn hard for some reason

    good luck.

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  2. Oooooh! Exciting development and definitely so wonderful to hear that you were able to express all your fears and that he was able to hear them. I'm hoping that man you knew before deployment can find his way back. (I'm an unabashed romantic, what can I say?)

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  3. are you going to go to Chicago in June? I have a chore for you in Chicago. I want you to knock on the door of Carolyn Maggliocca. I have her address in Chicago and phone number. I will send a letter to hand to her personally. You owe me for this chore anyway, ....right?

    Carolyn Magliocca
    40 E Delaware Place
    40 E Delaware Pl
    Chicago, IL 60611 Map

    (312) 664-8600

    J

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  4. I wonder...is he willing to make a committment to you? Because I'm starting to realize (at least for myself) that situations like this can only find comfort and resolution when there's a committment to working on SOMETHING. It either IS, or it ISN'T. The half way in, half way out, I think I might be okay, but maybe not, kinda stuff is exhausting and not fair. Can he do that for you? Commit beyond Chicago; to making it something until there just can't be any more trying and all avenues have been exhausted?

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  5. Let me get this straight, T...he doesn't want to be alone, but continues to push anyone who wants to share Life with him away.

    Sounds like it's time for him to sleep in the bed he's making for himself. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have to continue to play the wishy-washy push and pull game that he is playing with you, and it angers me to see that occuring. He has made it crystal clear to you that he cannot handle being with anyone. He's not emotionally available...which leads him to be unavailable to you on so many different levels.

    I say, stay with your firm "no" and move on with your life. Actions speak a lot louder than words, and his actions have done nothing but negate whatever he ways, and he knows he can play you and infiltrate your insecurities through words.

    Be careful.

    Be well, T.

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  6. Ay, I'm so torn.. and this doesn't even involve me. I can't imagine how you feel. I am such a romantic, that a huge part of me wants to believe him. But, I am also very cautious.... and that part has put the walls back up. I wish I could help, but ultimately this is your decision.

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  7. What an interesting turn of events. And I don't envy your prediciment. You just got out of your funk and were sounding so strong and confidant, now this?

    The guy needs to be consistent though and remember ACTIONS speek louder than words.

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  8. T, the Cardinals lost last weekend. If you keep this up, you'll lose too. You'll lose yourself.

    Please say no to him until he's back in the States, sowed his oats and has his head back in the normal world. He keeps toying with you to keep you close, but pushes you away. Stop the push/pull cycle. You've seen it before an know what to expect. What makes you think this time will be different. It's a proven cycle with him and even he's told you that.

    YOu've taken a bold first step by saying no to him. Stay strong and continue that. Let him go.

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  9. Sage: Yeah, I agree. Its the "knowing" that I really need. There has to be some closure to the beautiful start that we had.

    Indiana Girl: I love that you're a romantic. I'm not sure if Soldier's like your Sgt. though...

    J: You're a big goofball. Leave that poor girl alone! Love you sweetie!

    MySingleMom: I'm not sure I can commit to anything with him. Maybe friendship. But even that is dependent on whether or not he treats me like a friend. A true to life, honest friend. And it is still too be determined where he'll end up after June. His post in Texas is up then.

    Mama Llama: Its called fear. If I've learned anything about attracting unavailable men, its that I'm attracting them because I'm unavailable too. Both of us are afraid we'll have to give up parts of ourselves to have a true relationship. And neither of us will budge.

    And yes, actions do speak louder than words. Especially with men. (Thanks to Jeff Mac for that one!)

    J.L.S.: You sound just like me. I would love to believe him but the trust is gone. I am cautious too. I'm not sure that I will fall for his wooing as I did before.

    Mindy: I still feel strong and confident. This didn't do anything but confirm for me that my saying 'no' was the right thing to do.

    KK: Good point and I noted the symbolism too. My 'no' is firm. He will have to show me both "normal" and "consistent" before I think I can even consider letting down my guard.

    I LOVE these comments. You guys ROCK! Keep 'em comin'!

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  10. T dont do this!

    I totally identify with the emotion and I went back! It nearly ruined me!

    Now I know every situation is different but you are an easy win for him!

    He knows what you have to offer! He knows how you feel and knows what you will do for him!

    Its EASY for him to be with you!

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  11. T, why don't you just be friends, without benefits, until that point when you feel safe with him emotionally - and if that point doesn't come, you will feel like you gave him support without giving yourself up.

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  12. Laura: I know. Thank you. I am very well aware and am moving forward with him cautiously and without him full speed. :)

    Love Coach: Thank you! That is exactly what I was thinking.

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  13. Huge huge huge hug. With every word you wrote, I felt so much. It's so much to handle and I am so happy that you were able to purge that of which you had held inside, but seeing his tenderness, seeing what you loved, does not make this easier.

    Continue to write and be strong. Big hug.

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  14. I am going to tell you something you told me that has stuck in my mind ...

    Honor yourself.

    You deserve that.

    *hugs*

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  15. I don't know him, and I only know what I'm resding here. But in my past relationship breakups, neither one of us wanted to feel rejected by the other. There was always a peace-pipe offering. For instance, when I broke up with one girlfriend, she asked that I reconsider, and said she'd show me things would be different. Once I opened up and allowed that, she dumped me. (After I had already dumped her!) People sometimes just want to be in control, and want to be the one who ends things.

    Now, I'm not saying that's what is happening with soldier, but it's possible. He had a chance last time he was with you to make things stronger, and he just took the sex and said no to the rest.

    The fact that he's referring to this trip as a super bowl - um, isn't that where two teams clash?

    I get that he doesn't want to be alone. So, show him how to make new friends, and find new girlfriends.

    That's my two cents. And like I said, I'm not really privvy to what's going on between you two, so my advice is just one opinion about relationships in general.

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  16. Hmmm. I was excited to read this and then all the commenters burst my bubble. With all my BECG2 drama, I sure do feel you, girl. And I liked your response to Mama Llama because I KNOW I do/am doing the same thing. So how do we learn to trust ourselves and how do we know when we're making a move we should be making or when we're doing it for the wrong reasons? Crap. :( Good luck with this one!

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  17. This question may come out of left field...but do soldiers go through a "psychological decompression" of sorts before coming home from war?

    I ask because, at least in your post today, it sounds like he's really making an effort to be the person that he wants to be.

    He accepted your thoughts, your criticisms, your feelings...and as you stated "took it like an honest, sensitive man".

    I don't know how the military works, but I would like to think that they don't just throw them back into civilian life without speaking to therapists about how to make the transition back to "normal life".

    I'm not suggesting that you go to Chicago or anything...I'm just thinking that he absolutely deserves more serious discussion about the situation before a final decision is made.

    It's obviously a big decision for you. I man, if you didn't care so much, this wouldn't even be an issue.

    Best luck on this. I know your readers are keeping their fingers crossed for you.

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  18. (((HUGS)))

    I pray for your peace of mind...and I know, you will find that answer in your heart just in time when you need it.

    I have to read back to relate...but the poem made me see it all, and now I understand more how hard this is for you...for him.

    Love to know he is good in making you laugh...and that he said please...I agree, they good starts!

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  19. T, you've told me this, too: "Honor yourself."

    Hon, you do deserve SO much.

    "iusedtohavehair" has such a valid question, "do soldiers go through a psychological decompression' of sorts before coming home from war?"

    Yes, yes, yes!

    I really hope that he has a support team when he lands.

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  20. Attaining Me: I am so happy to have this blog to share and purge all of this. Thank you for sharing in the feelings.

    QT: Yeah, I'm honoring me for the first time in a very long time. It feels really good.

    dads: Thank you for sharing your story with me. All relationships are different... and we're all trying to protect ourselves, unfortunately, so someone gets hurt sometimes. I can't think too much about what could happen. No sense worrying about it right now. We'll see.

    GG: I can't think about what moves I'm making right now. I have to do what brings me peace. It may look different depending on the day or the situation. We can only do what we feel is best for us at the time.

    iusedtohavehair: Yes, Soldier told me that they have many options for both physical and psychological treatment when they return. I know that he had gone through PTSD counseling after his previous deployment. He told me yesterday that it took him longer to get over his previous deployment because he knew within his first month back in the States that he would have to return to Iraq. He said he feels much lighter and knows he will have much more of a positive attitude upon his return this time. We'll see.

    Mariposa: Thank you so much for reading... It is quite the dramatic story. Heh. Makes for good blogging, I guess.

    SMS: Thank you honey. You're so kind to me. He's convinced that he'll be different now. He has lots of help available to him. I will not get in his way.

    You all are wonderfully caring and supportive. I don't know what is going to happen and I'm not worried about it too much.

    I do know that he making his way back now. And I.... can't even believe it. As he said to me before, "15 months is a very long time."

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  21. so here's my take on manners: they should be used at all times and no one should get a second chance or a free pass for doing so. just my opinion, i could be wrong..

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  22. You sound like you're in a good, healthy, as-surrendered-as-possible place with Soldier. Someone once told me that when we say "no" to something, we're really saying "yes" to something else. That was really helpful to me, as someone who's not so thrilled with using that two-letter word.

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